Two years ago, I met a boy. One who laughed, but whose eyes seemed eternally sad. One who was popular, but never really had anybody who knew him well. One who always had a lover, but was never really truly loved. I felt great sadness for this boy. And yet I knew in my heart I was strong with love to give.
One night, we faced each other. And he told me how he loved this girl who was out of his reach. I told him he should tell her. Because he, I told him, deserved all the love in the world to erase the eternal loneliness in his eyes.
And soon, love sprung between us. Hatred sprung in everyone who saw us together. Yet my will never faltered. My heart never grew tired. Lies multiplied. Painful words ensured. And yet my spirit only grew strong to love this person all the more. After all, isn't it God's own voice that tells us, "We should love most, those who deserve love the least."? And so I did. I taught him that the world is backward fantasy. A demented, cruel reality. He was taught the everyone who loves lies. And I was trying to teach him that deep love fosters deep understanding, and people have a choice. To lie or to tell the truth. He showed he understood. But in truth, I knew he continued to live in the world he believed was fair and normal and just.
And so here I am.
I have become he. I am a person that deserves love the least. A person who laughs but whose eyes are eternally in despair. As if a single moment of silence would rip my soul to shreds with the truth that he's taught. It is in the period of hard struggles that he's left. And I am laughing to myself with tears in my eyes.
For having tried so hard to prove that love is something ideal.
But he has closed his heart tight. The boy I wanted to make happy two years ago told me two weeks ago I was not making him happy and that I should set him free.
As if there is some universal grand conspiracy to prove that my idea of love is truly the one that's demented. A love so pure; openness and truth and all the goodness made to last. My soul is weeping. And the dark elements of the universe laugh mockingly.
Because I tried to prove love is eternal, all-encompassing, moving, forgiving to wrong, patient, persevering, happy in truth, bold and daring.
I must be tired. But I am not. Yet I feel responsible for the soul I gave birth to this world. This is not the family I pictured providing my son with. And yet who am I to judge? The Lord strikes those He bears anger with. Those who know right and yet take a bite of the fruit.
In this generation, where there are many single parents, I never anticipated I would be a single mother. Yet all the more, I never anticipated my child would become a fruit of a broken home. Repeatedly I asked for the home we built to be repaired. But he plainly refused.
And now my soul aches everyday for my son. The fruit of love for the boy who had eternal loneliness in his eyes...the boy who left the closest thing he had to a home in search of happiness.
Perhaps this is the destiny God had ordained. I cry myself silly, wondering how many more broken homes have to be, before man in his very basic nature realizes that happiness is a capacity of the self. Whether you are alone or with someone, whether you are loved or feigning love with lust, whether poor and broken, or rich and more broken still, happiness is a gift of God's peace of mind. We can look for people who make us smile, who have things in common with us, who tell us again that we deserve something better, people better, yet happy we can still never be.
The world changes. He is searching for happiness. I wished him luck in his adventure. But until he realizes, that God has given this family to him as a blessing, that hardships should bring the family closer not apart, the man is an empty shell of which I can never fully save for his own sorrow. Time will come and love will come in different forms. But love that defeats time, love that endures all sorrow, and love that vows to stay despite and inspite will be something for him to be given by God. And perhaps, this was the family he chose to give up in search of his happiness.
