Over the last few years, I have lost a numberof things in my life.
Treasured possessions. People. Books. Memories. Aspirations.
Some I regret not having saved. Some I feel proud for letting go.
But I think one of the best things I have ever saved is my journal.
I've started putting entries in it since 2000. Feeling hopeful that something new and exciting was coming my way that year, I just scribbbled thoughts and events in it. It was difficult to maintain. Especially when there are days nothing of interest really happened. But then there's always something to write. A reflection. A thought. Something observed by a distressed heart and a starved body.
I don't know why but after compiling the entries, I distributed it to some of my friends. I guess I needed to be reassured that these things I wrote really happened, that I really existed and they happened to me. They said they were immersed in every idea, in every feeling, and felt entranced by the soul behind the pen. Some said it was poignant writing. Some compared it to Neruda's. I think it's impossible to even be of the same degree as he. Nevertheless, I was flattered that they read the entries at all.
After all, I am nobody significant. I'm just a storyteller.
Undoubtedly as I start putting them here, names of people and places would have been changed. Anonymity is a wonderful cloak in revealing times. Unless someone reacts negatively to the next few entries, everything should be in order.
It seems like the entries are life-coaching. And probably so. Who better to coach than someone who's been to hell and back?
So indulge me. My stark raving mad ideas. My disillusions and fascinations. My unrequited and unreciprocated love. Love not the writer, but the One Hand that allowed the following things to happen to her, that she may share the message you need to hear to accomplish what you need to do to be fulfilled.
Here, I start:
2000...
<:AtomicElement>
June 1, 2000 - Thursday
*Sigh*
I’m supposed to be writing about my life but all I can think about right now is Michael Jackson.
*Sigh*
I’m supposed to be writing about my life but all I can think about right now is Michael Jackson.
<:AtomicElement>
It’s because I’ve just finished reading a book by J. Randy Taraborelli, which I bought a few months ago but for some reason, I was inspired to read it only now. The title’s Michael Jackson: The Magic and the Madness. The author had so many sources. As for the credibility of those sources, all I can say is that I’ll believe what I think sounds reasonable. Some of them seemed very farfetched.
I have admired Michael ever since I was eight years old. It was the first time I heard of him. During that time, all I knew about him was his music. I didn’t know anything about his childhood or how he came to be the ‘King of Pop’.
My relatives were also big fans of Michael. But Mom was the luckiest of all. She told me a story once, about how she met Michael when she was younger. Of course, I didn’t believe her. But then she went inside our bedroom and came out moments later, with a picture in her hand. It was an autographed picture of her and Michael. I was stunned.
Yup. Everyone in the family was a Michael Jackson fan. We once watched a video of my cousin's birthday party. Almost everyone in the family performed song and dance numbers (except me, being too young that all I could do was wiggle and make the "bad smell" face). One of my aunts performed a Hawaiian dance with my cousin. Some of my cousins danced Cheek To Cheek. Another sang "Lift Up Your Hands" by Basil Valdez while Mom played the guitar in the background. One of my cousins performed Billie Jean while the other performed Thriller (and Beat It, I think).
From then on, I knew that my family had an unexplainable passion for music that I, too, soon developed. I discovered that music has a soul that reaches out to everyone. But apart from this discovery, I grew to like Michael and somehow, realized that my soul connects with his at some deep level of subconscious understanding.
My relatives were also big fans of Michael. But Mom was the luckiest of all. She told me a story once, about how she met Michael when she was younger. Of course, I didn’t believe her. But then she went inside our bedroom and came out moments later, with a picture in her hand. It was an autographed picture of her and Michael. I was stunned.
Yup. Everyone in the family was a Michael Jackson fan. We once watched a video of my cousin's birthday party. Almost everyone in the family performed song and dance numbers (except me, being too young that all I could do was wiggle and make the "bad smell" face). One of my aunts performed a Hawaiian dance with my cousin. Some of my cousins danced Cheek To Cheek. Another sang "Lift Up Your Hands" by Basil Valdez while Mom played the guitar in the background. One of my cousins performed Billie Jean while the other performed Thriller (and Beat It, I think).
From then on, I knew that my family had an unexplainable passion for music that I, too, soon developed. I discovered that music has a soul that reaches out to everyone. But apart from this discovery, I grew to like Michael and somehow, realized that my soul connects with his at some deep level of subconscious understanding.
June 9, 2000 – Friday
I’ve decided to keep a journal this year because I feel like it’s going to be a different year. A great year. There’s this persistent feeling of enthusiasm that I can’t explain. But it’s difficult to write every single detail everyday. Anyway, I’m now part of Medics, a group of people during CAT that's exempted from the rigorous exercises. We were assigned to give medical attention to those who might be injured or hurt in any way during the training.
I’ve decided to keep a journal this year because I feel like it’s going to be a different year. A great year. There’s this persistent feeling of enthusiasm that I can’t explain. But it’s difficult to write every single detail everyday. Anyway, I’m now part of Medics, a group of people during CAT that's exempted from the rigorous exercises. We were assigned to give medical attention to those who might be injured or hurt in any way during the training.
Regarding my best friend, he won’t be joining CAT because he’s an alien (from Mars, hahaha). He's a US citizen thus the exemption. He has basketball practice tomorrow. I hope he’ll have a good time. As for me, I’d rather stay home, be a nerd and finish all my homework. I don’t want to fall behind in class, since it's made up of the smartest people I’ve ever met. My best friend and I will just meet up on Sunday.
<:AtomicElement>
June 20, 2000 - Tuesday
This morning, I went to school vigorously. I felt inspired. I was sitting in class, lost in happy thoughts when I heard a familiar laugh. Mary was chatting animatedly with Morton. That’s when I realized how much I’ve missed her. We used to be close when we were in second year. But it’s been a long time since we’ve talked. She’s been a great influence in my life and wondering whether I’ve ever told her, I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper, racked my brain for appropriate words and wrote. She replied after a few minutes. In a way I had already expected what she would write back. She’s a good friend. And I can’t imagine living my life without having met her.
Morton is such a talented artist. His very personality is abstract art. The way he expresses himself makes me feel as if we have special things in common. I wish I’d have the privilege to know him better.
This morning, I went to school vigorously. I felt inspired. I was sitting in class, lost in happy thoughts when I heard a familiar laugh. Mary was chatting animatedly with Morton. That’s when I realized how much I’ve missed her. We used to be close when we were in second year. But it’s been a long time since we’ve talked. She’s been a great influence in my life and wondering whether I’ve ever told her, I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper, racked my brain for appropriate words and wrote. She replied after a few minutes. In a way I had already expected what she would write back. She’s a good friend. And I can’t imagine living my life without having met her.
Morton is such a talented artist. His very personality is abstract art. The way he expresses himself makes me feel as if we have special things in common. I wish I’d have the privilege to know him better.
June 23, 2000 - Friday
A lot has happened today. I tried to comfort my cousin from her heartaches. I only wish I was able to help her in some way. During our computer period up to CAT, I was clowning around the class. I wanted to brighten up the people around me…because I felt so dim deep within.
June 26, 2000 - Monday
I’ve been wondering a lot lately…about how much pain we can truly bear. God’s will is my path. I don’t know myself very well. But I know what kind of friend I am. I’m not sorry I became best friends with him. I’m sorry I fell in love with him. Because I’ve become human enough to feel extremely jealous…something a best friend shouldn’t feel. Something Lois might feel for Clark when Superman goes off saving the world in the ironic beauty of untimely absences. Not that I think I’m Lois. Actually I would much rather be Selena Kyle. *Sigh*
I’ve been wondering a lot lately…about how much pain we can truly bear. God’s will is my path. I don’t know myself very well. But I know what kind of friend I am. I’m not sorry I became best friends with him. I’m sorry I fell in love with him. Because I’ve become human enough to feel extremely jealous…something a best friend shouldn’t feel. Something Lois might feel for Clark when Superman goes off saving the world in the ironic beauty of untimely absences. Not that I think I’m Lois. Actually I would much rather be Selena Kyle. *Sigh*
June 30, 2000 - Friday
People change. Nothing and nobody stays permanent in the world. God knows my pain. But even if the pain is difficult to bear, I just ask Him to never leave my side. Then I know I would be all right. I just want to be set free from my failures in the past.
Forgive me for all my imperfections. Lead me into the light. And I will not be afraid. You are by my side. I am Your creation.
PASSION is not a crime.
People change. Nothing and nobody stays permanent in the world. God knows my pain. But even if the pain is difficult to bear, I just ask Him to never leave my side. Then I know I would be all right. I just want to be set free from my failures in the past.
Forgive me for all my imperfections. Lead me into the light. And I will not be afraid. You are by my side. I am Your creation.
PASSION is not a crime.
July 2, 2000 - Sunday
Only God Knows Why /Kid Rock
I’ve been sitting here
Trying to find myself
I get behind myself.
I need to rewind myself.
Looking for the payback.
Listen for the playback.
They said that every man bleeds just like me.
And I feel like number one
Yet I’m last in line
I watch my youngest son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills
It helps to ease the pain
I made a couple dollar bills
But I still feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it when I’m out
A lot of folks f*ck with me
It’s hard to hang out in a crowd
I guess that’s the price you pay
To be some b*tch like I am
Our first dance
One nightstand
Still I can’t find love
And when you’re down down coming down
I will always be around
I said…and when the dogs are coming down
I will always be around
People don’t know about the things I see them do
They don’t understand about the sh*t that I’ve been through
Sins done since I’ve been home
I’ve been gone
I’ve been gone from way too long
Maybe I forgot all the things I miss
Oh, somehow, I know there’s more to life than this
I said it too many times and I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve
Still I ain’t seen mine
No I ain’t seen mine
I’ve been givin’ just ain’t been givin’
I’ve been walkin’ back their line
So I think I’ll keep walkin’
With my head held high
I keep moving on
And ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY…
There are lines in this song that really hit home. The seventh line from the beginning and the last four lines.
Only God Knows Why /Kid Rock
I’ve been sitting here
Trying to find myself
I get behind myself.
I need to rewind myself.
Looking for the payback.
Listen for the playback.
They said that every man bleeds just like me.
And I feel like number one
Yet I’m last in line
I watch my youngest son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills
It helps to ease the pain
I made a couple dollar bills
But I still feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it when I’m out
A lot of folks f*ck with me
It’s hard to hang out in a crowd
I guess that’s the price you pay
To be some b*tch like I am
Our first dance
One nightstand
Still I can’t find love
And when you’re down down coming down
I will always be around
I said…and when the dogs are coming down
I will always be around
People don’t know about the things I see them do
They don’t understand about the sh*t that I’ve been through
Sins done since I’ve been home
I’ve been gone
I’ve been gone from way too long
Maybe I forgot all the things I miss
Oh, somehow, I know there’s more to life than this
I said it too many times and I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve
Still I ain’t seen mine
No I ain’t seen mine
I’ve been givin’ just ain’t been givin’
I’ve been walkin’ back their line
So I think I’ll keep walkin’
With my head held high
I keep moving on
And ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY…
There are lines in this song that really hit home. The seventh line from the beginning and the last four lines.
July 4, 2000 - Tuesday
Classes were suspended. I want to be the fifth tragic poet. Poetess. So far, according to our English teacher, there are only four tragic poets and one of them, of course, is Shakespeare. I want to leave a legacy. The only sad thing is I’m still alive but people are already treating me as if I’m dead.
July 8, 2000 - Saturday
I want to fly. Far away from here. Far away from his reaches. Far away from anyone that might hurt me.
I want to fly. Far away from here. Far away from his reaches. Far away from anyone that might hurt me.
July 11, 2000 - Tuesday
As long as I do my best, I am my own achiever.
