Last Sunday I went to Victory Church with Lei and Bey. The lecture was great. It was about prosperity, about the true meaning of 2 Corinthians 9:11. I’ve always prayed before for God to let me be a blessing to others just as He has always blessed me. And now more than ever, I see His hand having worked through every person in my life. To all those who have so kindly opened their hearts in helping me, thank you so much. And to the rest whom I am lending help to and trying to be a good factor in their lives, I hope I would be able to serve God’s purpose better and show each one of you how truly great God’s heart is.
God’s love is my light through the dark clouds… I hope to always have His face shining down on me… ABC… I welcome His blessing and prosperity in my life.
August 20, 2001 – Monday
Birthday.
Dad gave me this computer for my birthday. Thanks po. He also sent me eighteen red roses. Thanks very much.
My family on the father’s side and some on the mother side surprised me with tokens of kindness, food, etc. I felt their sincerity and was overwhelmed with gratitude. But I was not happy. I couldn’t feel happiness. I’ve succeeded in turning myself into an unfeeling entity. Now there’s nothing to feel. A gust of dust. A poignant speck.
Dad called and greeted me. I was…grateful.
I was talking to one of my cousins. He asked me if I was happy. I said I was. Then I averted my eyes. I shielded myself from being so easily read from the Achilles’ heel of my being. I guess life batters a spirit.
Weak, but soon the soul feeds on the pain. Of every trial that comes to meet its way. From pain, it grows. I told him that pain was just a state of mind. He paused and then slowly nodded.
‘He’ didn’t greet me. What I’ve lost is knowledge. Awareness. I think I’ve forgotten that when pain is inflicted, it should hurt. I am not merry by choice or by chance. I am devoid and complete at the same time. There is a future so ripe, ready to be taken by the reins. I see a fruitful future. A successful heirloom in the mind.
Life is life. It is always the same. To experience pain and delight in the truth that feeling is essential in distinguishing what is an illusion from what is real. But now, I still cannot feel.
August 23, 2001 – Thursday
It’s the usual night. I want more than what I’ve planned.
What is the truth in Nephilim?
September 3, 2001 – Monday
I’ve been busy lately, writing a story about a prophecy. It isn’t a vision although it seems like one. And it’s most absolutely not heresy because I do not bring dishonor on God’s name. There is a great ending to it. I think I can enlighten a lot of people through this work.
I was inspired by many brilliant works, one being The Famished Road. And lately, I’ve been reading the Bible. In just one night, I’ve become a changed person. I’ve read the most beautiful proverbs. The words touched my heart that I’ve gone straight into writing. I’ve found my way. The way to the Lord is the path I’ve been missing. I’m not a messenger. I do not have the conviction that I am a chosen instrument in His plans.
But in my heart, I know how much I love Him. And as human as I am, inevitably going through so many trials and making many mistakes in confusion, I’m still rewarded. Because He gave me life...
The most wonderful friends to make me feel complete…
The most agonizing pain to better appreciate my healing…
The most unpredictable family to make me feel welcomed in the most comfortable place in the world.
Now I see in the dark with eyes that were not blinded but merely closed by a long time of being distant.
Poet texted me the other day. He was really sweet and I’ve been missing him so much. I miss Enigma, too.
He has forgotten who I used to be in his life…
…Just when I remembered who I am.
September 9, 2001 – Sunday
How does it feel to work so hard and so long for something and suddenly lose it?
I’m wallowing in the guilt of my sin. I thought I’ve already built a foundation with my faith. But with on stupid decision, I’ve fallen into the pits. My heaving heart!
I’m weeping because I know I’ve disappointed Him. I’ve failed to do what is right. I deserve to be condemned. Why can I not let go of my past self, the past which I abhor so much. It is like acid to the stomach. I’ve seen the world and I’ve realized it is such a beautiful place. A place made more stunning by the people who live in it. Because of one root. One cause. God.
I’ve gazed at the earth and seen its life, its philosophy. The poetry that makes it graceful in solemnity. I’ve looked in the mirror and seen the person in it.
A person who has what he’s looking for but is a fool for continuing his search for it.
A person who does not deserve to be respected and honored because he disrespects the Lord and dishonors his faith.
A person who does not do what is right because he dwells in the pain of his wrong.
A person with no beauty because he does not see the beauty that follows sadness.
A person who wishes to fly but has always grazed his knees, falling because of failure to learn from mistakes.
A person who tells the most wonderful stories because his life has become too real to believe.
A person who belittle himself because he cannot see the great heart God gifted him with.
A person who has mourned about isolation because he cannot feel the others, isolated but coping, around him.
A person who does not deserve to live because he is too stupid to make life worthwhile.
How many more words shall I string together to summarize how undeserving I am of love and compassion, of truth and justice, of family and friends…? How long shall I roam the earth on calloused heels and battered hands to live for the cause of such wounds?
I grow weary of myself…of the hard work in making myself a better person. How many more spaces in the Lord’s heart shall I ask for since I’ve wasted all the chance to live in His core? How many more wrongs will it take to savor the fulfillment of one right? There are so many questions in my mind. All answered justly by my conscience.
But hope dies a little each day. And with each time, my heart dies the same way.
What is my worth?
How do I redeem myself?
September 12, 2001 – Wednesday
September 11 Entry:
Today is a sad day, not only for the Americans, but also for all those who are aware of the unjust and horrifying change in the human nature. Someone once said that man was naturally good. This is true until we cite our beliefs and discover disagreements. I’ve been watching the news today. And my heart felt as if it could not any more bleed enough for the innocent people who’ve lost their lives. The world was alarmed at the sight of the most powerful country being successfully penetrated by those who have ambitious dreams/misdirected beliefs. I’ve prayed, not only for those who’ve passed away, but for the safety of those still battling their way against death, for the brave who’ve sworn to make an endless effort in rescuing (be it specially-trained men or the kindly people who’ve helped so much by volunteering to be blood donors), for the world leaders to finally crush the most influential and destructive form of plague, for the people to take this tragedy as the beginning of awakening and unity. I believe the people who were behind the terrorists and the terrorists themselves have a worse plan and this is only the beginning. And I hope everyone would vow to stand up unyielding in the face of future fatalities and only become stronger and wiser until the end. There is no assurance that we would win unless we pray for the Lord to fight with us in eliminating a growing worldwide nuisance. For all of us who wish for world peace, we will stand firm until this battle is over. Only until then can we truly live again.
More
I was supposed to go with my Grandmother to my Grandfather’s grave but unfortunately I couldn’t leave Mom in her condition. I asked Lola to excuse me and she readily agreed but word reached me that she felt bad about us having postponed, especially me being absent.
Later
As I texted Dad for advice, he was supportive at first because he replied for the first few times. But suddenly, he texted me “Kayo nalang ng Lola mo mag-usap. Can I rest now?”
Sigh…One day I’ll fly away…Leave my world to yesterday.
September 16, 2001 – Sunday
It’s a nice day. I’ve finished my novel. I don’t think it’s a good novel but I think it’s a good try. Anyway, I think I’ll let Choco be the first to read it. She’ll be my critic.
September 17, 2001 – Sunday
K got through her labor! It’s a healthy baby boy! His name is Gian Clarke Raphael. Aunt D thought of the name Gian while I contributed Clarke (variation of Clark which of course is Superman) and Raphael (one of the Archangels).
September 18, 2001 – Tuesday
I feel empty again. Once more I have broken my promise. I do not feel anything… I just feel barren. I feel alone. The Lord hasn’t left me. My sin has made me so shameful that I have turned my back against Him. And after so many familiar times, I’ve regretted afterwards. I wish I were a better person. One who knows how to keep promises and perform what’s been vowed to be done. But I’m not as strong as I thought I would be. I am weak…a coward…instead of the lionheart I’ve promised I’d try to be. Man has become very understanding. To the point that he excuses the smallest faults as something that simply passes by. As something that could easily be forgotten and vowed to be never done again.
But it isn’t the same when it happens again. And again. And again. And again. Until finally, he realizes he’s become part of the sin and the sin has become the person in him.
I’m not obsessed in religion. I just want to know the right path to follow so that I would serve my purpose in being born. I want to make the Lord proud of having created me.
Like a father proud of his daughter. But I was wrong. The only thing I’ve made Him feel for me is shame.
I wish I could ask for forgiveness and be forgiven. But I am not made of a very strong spirit. I am still in the process of honing my spirit so that when an opportunity to do wrong comes, I’d be able to laugh in its face and turn away. If I for reprieve now, it will happen again sooner or later. I want to make this promise an everlasting vow. An unbreakable reminder that some men might do things that please the Lord for the purpose of the salvation He brings…
But my main reason is to simply make my Father proud with my love for Him.
How do I love? If I am a person who will always strive to be right, why do I have so many questions?
Is it right to ask many questions? Or right to have many conclusions?
Someday, the world will understand that I’m not crazy. I’m just being real. Only God knows.
September 23, 2001 – Sunday
I just realized that God is everywhere and IS in everyone. I think it’s time that I change. Sometimes I’ve stopped believing and trusting people…because they always turn out to be fooling me all the time. But I guess there’s a reason for everything; same as there’s a reason for every dark cloud and enlightenment. I was texting Beautiful Clouds awhile ago. And she said that WB has already reserved tickets for herself, ‘him’ and Signorina. What I’m afraid of showing is the fact that I’m not over him. I don’t know if she knows. I don’t see my future. I only see what’s for today and for the next day. But I can’t see as far as weeks, months, years.
Maybe I really don’t have a future. That’s why I’m doing all I can to leave a legacy.
So that even if I die early, people won’t forget me easily.
My only wish is not to die a violent death.
God’s love is my light through the dark clouds… I hope to always have His face shining down on me… ABC… I welcome His blessing and prosperity in my life.
August 20, 2001 – Monday
Birthday.
Dad gave me this computer for my birthday. Thanks po. He also sent me eighteen red roses. Thanks very much.
My family on the father’s side and some on the mother side surprised me with tokens of kindness, food, etc. I felt their sincerity and was overwhelmed with gratitude. But I was not happy. I couldn’t feel happiness. I’ve succeeded in turning myself into an unfeeling entity. Now there’s nothing to feel. A gust of dust. A poignant speck.
Dad called and greeted me. I was…grateful.
I was talking to one of my cousins. He asked me if I was happy. I said I was. Then I averted my eyes. I shielded myself from being so easily read from the Achilles’ heel of my being. I guess life batters a spirit.
Weak, but soon the soul feeds on the pain. Of every trial that comes to meet its way. From pain, it grows. I told him that pain was just a state of mind. He paused and then slowly nodded.
‘He’ didn’t greet me. What I’ve lost is knowledge. Awareness. I think I’ve forgotten that when pain is inflicted, it should hurt. I am not merry by choice or by chance. I am devoid and complete at the same time. There is a future so ripe, ready to be taken by the reins. I see a fruitful future. A successful heirloom in the mind.
Life is life. It is always the same. To experience pain and delight in the truth that feeling is essential in distinguishing what is an illusion from what is real. But now, I still cannot feel.
August 23, 2001 – Thursday
It’s the usual night. I want more than what I’ve planned.
What is the truth in Nephilim?
September 3, 2001 – Monday
I’ve been busy lately, writing a story about a prophecy. It isn’t a vision although it seems like one. And it’s most absolutely not heresy because I do not bring dishonor on God’s name. There is a great ending to it. I think I can enlighten a lot of people through this work.
I was inspired by many brilliant works, one being The Famished Road. And lately, I’ve been reading the Bible. In just one night, I’ve become a changed person. I’ve read the most beautiful proverbs. The words touched my heart that I’ve gone straight into writing. I’ve found my way. The way to the Lord is the path I’ve been missing. I’m not a messenger. I do not have the conviction that I am a chosen instrument in His plans.
But in my heart, I know how much I love Him. And as human as I am, inevitably going through so many trials and making many mistakes in confusion, I’m still rewarded. Because He gave me life...
The most wonderful friends to make me feel complete…
The most agonizing pain to better appreciate my healing…
The most unpredictable family to make me feel welcomed in the most comfortable place in the world.
Now I see in the dark with eyes that were not blinded but merely closed by a long time of being distant.
Poet texted me the other day. He was really sweet and I’ve been missing him so much. I miss Enigma, too.
He has forgotten who I used to be in his life…
…Just when I remembered who I am.
September 9, 2001 – Sunday
How does it feel to work so hard and so long for something and suddenly lose it?
I’m wallowing in the guilt of my sin. I thought I’ve already built a foundation with my faith. But with on stupid decision, I’ve fallen into the pits. My heaving heart!
I’m weeping because I know I’ve disappointed Him. I’ve failed to do what is right. I deserve to be condemned. Why can I not let go of my past self, the past which I abhor so much. It is like acid to the stomach. I’ve seen the world and I’ve realized it is such a beautiful place. A place made more stunning by the people who live in it. Because of one root. One cause. God.
I’ve gazed at the earth and seen its life, its philosophy. The poetry that makes it graceful in solemnity. I’ve looked in the mirror and seen the person in it.
A person who has what he’s looking for but is a fool for continuing his search for it.
A person who does not deserve to be respected and honored because he disrespects the Lord and dishonors his faith.
A person who does not do what is right because he dwells in the pain of his wrong.
A person with no beauty because he does not see the beauty that follows sadness.
A person who wishes to fly but has always grazed his knees, falling because of failure to learn from mistakes.
A person who tells the most wonderful stories because his life has become too real to believe.
A person who belittle himself because he cannot see the great heart God gifted him with.
A person who has mourned about isolation because he cannot feel the others, isolated but coping, around him.
A person who does not deserve to live because he is too stupid to make life worthwhile.
How many more words shall I string together to summarize how undeserving I am of love and compassion, of truth and justice, of family and friends…? How long shall I roam the earth on calloused heels and battered hands to live for the cause of such wounds?
I grow weary of myself…of the hard work in making myself a better person. How many more spaces in the Lord’s heart shall I ask for since I’ve wasted all the chance to live in His core? How many more wrongs will it take to savor the fulfillment of one right? There are so many questions in my mind. All answered justly by my conscience.
But hope dies a little each day. And with each time, my heart dies the same way.
What is my worth?
How do I redeem myself?
September 12, 2001 – Wednesday
September 11 Entry:
Today is a sad day, not only for the Americans, but also for all those who are aware of the unjust and horrifying change in the human nature. Someone once said that man was naturally good. This is true until we cite our beliefs and discover disagreements. I’ve been watching the news today. And my heart felt as if it could not any more bleed enough for the innocent people who’ve lost their lives. The world was alarmed at the sight of the most powerful country being successfully penetrated by those who have ambitious dreams/misdirected beliefs. I’ve prayed, not only for those who’ve passed away, but for the safety of those still battling their way against death, for the brave who’ve sworn to make an endless effort in rescuing (be it specially-trained men or the kindly people who’ve helped so much by volunteering to be blood donors), for the world leaders to finally crush the most influential and destructive form of plague, for the people to take this tragedy as the beginning of awakening and unity. I believe the people who were behind the terrorists and the terrorists themselves have a worse plan and this is only the beginning. And I hope everyone would vow to stand up unyielding in the face of future fatalities and only become stronger and wiser until the end. There is no assurance that we would win unless we pray for the Lord to fight with us in eliminating a growing worldwide nuisance. For all of us who wish for world peace, we will stand firm until this battle is over. Only until then can we truly live again.
More
I was supposed to go with my Grandmother to my Grandfather’s grave but unfortunately I couldn’t leave Mom in her condition. I asked Lola to excuse me and she readily agreed but word reached me that she felt bad about us having postponed, especially me being absent.
Later
As I texted Dad for advice, he was supportive at first because he replied for the first few times. But suddenly, he texted me “Kayo nalang ng Lola mo mag-usap. Can I rest now?”
Sigh…One day I’ll fly away…Leave my world to yesterday.
September 16, 2001 – Sunday
It’s a nice day. I’ve finished my novel. I don’t think it’s a good novel but I think it’s a good try. Anyway, I think I’ll let Choco be the first to read it. She’ll be my critic.
September 17, 2001 – Sunday
K got through her labor! It’s a healthy baby boy! His name is Gian Clarke Raphael. Aunt D thought of the name Gian while I contributed Clarke (variation of Clark which of course is Superman) and Raphael (one of the Archangels).
September 18, 2001 – Tuesday
I feel empty again. Once more I have broken my promise. I do not feel anything… I just feel barren. I feel alone. The Lord hasn’t left me. My sin has made me so shameful that I have turned my back against Him. And after so many familiar times, I’ve regretted afterwards. I wish I were a better person. One who knows how to keep promises and perform what’s been vowed to be done. But I’m not as strong as I thought I would be. I am weak…a coward…instead of the lionheart I’ve promised I’d try to be. Man has become very understanding. To the point that he excuses the smallest faults as something that simply passes by. As something that could easily be forgotten and vowed to be never done again.
But it isn’t the same when it happens again. And again. And again. And again. Until finally, he realizes he’s become part of the sin and the sin has become the person in him.
I’m not obsessed in religion. I just want to know the right path to follow so that I would serve my purpose in being born. I want to make the Lord proud of having created me.
Like a father proud of his daughter. But I was wrong. The only thing I’ve made Him feel for me is shame.
I wish I could ask for forgiveness and be forgiven. But I am not made of a very strong spirit. I am still in the process of honing my spirit so that when an opportunity to do wrong comes, I’d be able to laugh in its face and turn away. If I for reprieve now, it will happen again sooner or later. I want to make this promise an everlasting vow. An unbreakable reminder that some men might do things that please the Lord for the purpose of the salvation He brings…
But my main reason is to simply make my Father proud with my love for Him.
How do I love? If I am a person who will always strive to be right, why do I have so many questions?
Is it right to ask many questions? Or right to have many conclusions?
Someday, the world will understand that I’m not crazy. I’m just being real. Only God knows.
September 23, 2001 – Sunday
I just realized that God is everywhere and IS in everyone. I think it’s time that I change. Sometimes I’ve stopped believing and trusting people…because they always turn out to be fooling me all the time. But I guess there’s a reason for everything; same as there’s a reason for every dark cloud and enlightenment. I was texting Beautiful Clouds awhile ago. And she said that WB has already reserved tickets for herself, ‘him’ and Signorina. What I’m afraid of showing is the fact that I’m not over him. I don’t know if she knows. I don’t see my future. I only see what’s for today and for the next day. But I can’t see as far as weeks, months, years.
Maybe I really don’t have a future. That’s why I’m doing all I can to leave a legacy.
So that even if I die early, people won’t forget me easily.
My only wish is not to die a violent death.
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