It's six in the evening. I'm counting nineteen working days until the office calls for me to come in. Six days from now I have to go back to the clinic and finish my pre-employment. Three days after that, there's a stint at the US Embassy. Another three days after, it's Valentine's Day.
Life is made up of numbers. Days one has left until one finally meets the One Hand that writes all. A few months ago I was off to a losing start in a battle with an unseen enemy...an unseen enemy that ultimately turned out to be my own reflection. The months rolled by and people around me nursed me back to health...friends who have always been by my side, regardless of how ugly my perspective on life had become.
Life and Death are just numbers. Diseases come and go. And in light of this challenge, an obstacle that has appeared yet again, I am back to my writing self.
Life is made up of numbers. Days one has left until one finally meets the One Hand that writes all. A few months ago I was off to a losing start in a battle with an unseen enemy...an unseen enemy that ultimately turned out to be my own reflection. The months rolled by and people around me nursed me back to health...friends who have always been by my side, regardless of how ugly my perspective on life had become.
Life and Death are just numbers. Diseases come and go. And in light of this challenge, an obstacle that has appeared yet again, I am back to my writing self.
September 26, 2001 - Wednesday
Am I nothing but a dreamer? Dreams actually hurt. I think it's because no matter how long the dream is, reality always catches up. When I dream and begin to feel good, I am constantly aware that it isn't real.
I once lived freely. When I was in Fifth Grade, I couldn't envision having a future. Therefore I only worried about today. I spent long afternoons in our backyard with our dogs. Letting the pups sleep beside me on the wooden bench while I pondered, enjoying the picturesque clouds floating lazily up in the sky.
But now I've become one of the many...those who've stopped dreaming and started living. One who's started seeing what life is really all about. One who's started seeing what life really is all about. Prioritizing things in order to have a convenient life. I guess that's what it all comes down to. Planning for our futures. Funny...
I feel incomplete. No matter how happy I become for the many blessings God sends, I feel like I'm missing a part of me. I used to dream about starry nights in open fields, the wind rustling the soft green grass. A big house stands near. It is mine. I go in and start to walk up to the second floor. I lie on the cold marble floor, enjoying the transparent ceiling, lazily counting the stars and being mesmerized by the black vastness blanketing the sky. How beautiful it looks, the meteors, stars and moon adorning it. Although I am alone, I really am not. There's a presence with me. An angel. Michael.
Through the cold night, I do not feel fear. I have security and comfort from knowing that I am not alone. There's always someone looking after me. Someone who's willing to fight my battles with me.
Sigh. Dreams.
Surely there's more to life than existing to earn money.
I once lived freely. When I was in Fifth Grade, I couldn't envision having a future. Therefore I only worried about today. I spent long afternoons in our backyard with our dogs. Letting the pups sleep beside me on the wooden bench while I pondered, enjoying the picturesque clouds floating lazily up in the sky.
But now I've become one of the many...those who've stopped dreaming and started living. One who's started seeing what life is really all about. One who's started seeing what life really is all about. Prioritizing things in order to have a convenient life. I guess that's what it all comes down to. Planning for our futures. Funny...
I feel incomplete. No matter how happy I become for the many blessings God sends, I feel like I'm missing a part of me. I used to dream about starry nights in open fields, the wind rustling the soft green grass. A big house stands near. It is mine. I go in and start to walk up to the second floor. I lie on the cold marble floor, enjoying the transparent ceiling, lazily counting the stars and being mesmerized by the black vastness blanketing the sky. How beautiful it looks, the meteors, stars and moon adorning it. Although I am alone, I really am not. There's a presence with me. An angel. Michael.
Through the cold night, I do not feel fear. I have security and comfort from knowing that I am not alone. There's always someone looking after me. Someone who's willing to fight my battles with me.
Sigh. Dreams.
Surely there's more to life than existing to earn money.
September 27, 2001 – Thursday
Another lifeless day. I’m still creating my second novel. I don’t know if it’s any good but I hope it is.
I love watching Cardcaptor Sakura.
I enjoy kid stuff. Goofing around, playing all day, watching TV. I like being engrossed with Anime, pretending I’m part of the show. Because at least there, my life has direction.
Right now, I don’t know what I want to do…what I need to do…
Another lifeless day. I’m still creating my second novel. I don’t know if it’s any good but I hope it is.
I love watching Cardcaptor Sakura.
I enjoy kid stuff. Goofing around, playing all day, watching TV. I like being engrossed with Anime, pretending I’m part of the show. Because at least there, my life has direction.
Right now, I don’t know what I want to do…what I need to do…
September 29, 2001 – Sunday
I just woke up from an afternoon nap. I had another nightmare. The same face of an old woman. The first time I dreamt of her, half her body was sticking out of the wall beside me. A man was slowly creeping towards me. She was telling the man to get on with it. The man slowly closed his hands around my neck, choking me with such force that I started seeing spots exploding in my eyes. I heard the faint voice of the woman, croaking, urging him on. I struggled because I knew I was dreaming and I thought to myself I would wake up soon. I did. Only this time, she was still there beside me.
You shouldn’t be here…I’m awake now… I thought, fear slicing through me. Then she smiled a devilish grin and said, “Are you sure?”
That’s when I tried to toss around hard, to wake my body up from the world of dreams.
When I woke up, this time for real, it was little after midnight.
Then a few minutes ago, I had another dream. I was holding my phone, looking at Squall’s face. Then it suddenly turned into the face of the old woman. But this time, she didn’t try to kill me. Opening her cracked her lips, she said the following… “Rise and bring havoc to the world!” I felt a cloud descend upon me. Then I woke up, horrified.
I just woke up from an afternoon nap. I had another nightmare. The same face of an old woman. The first time I dreamt of her, half her body was sticking out of the wall beside me. A man was slowly creeping towards me. She was telling the man to get on with it. The man slowly closed his hands around my neck, choking me with such force that I started seeing spots exploding in my eyes. I heard the faint voice of the woman, croaking, urging him on. I struggled because I knew I was dreaming and I thought to myself I would wake up soon. I did. Only this time, she was still there beside me.
You shouldn’t be here…I’m awake now… I thought, fear slicing through me. Then she smiled a devilish grin and said, “Are you sure?”
That’s when I tried to toss around hard, to wake my body up from the world of dreams.
When I woke up, this time for real, it was little after midnight.
Then a few minutes ago, I had another dream. I was holding my phone, looking at Squall’s face. Then it suddenly turned into the face of the old woman. But this time, she didn’t try to kill me. Opening her cracked her lips, she said the following… “Rise and bring havoc to the world!” I felt a cloud descend upon me. Then I woke up, horrified.
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