Here I am again. I'm blogging and realizing at the same time how steadily I am growing into a bigger fool each day. Oh well. Only two things left to do when the present doesn't make sense. Look inwardly into the past or project oneself to the future.
October 2, 2001 - Tuesday
Later
I’m scared for Mama. We don’t have any money for her check-up so I tried looking up the symptoms. She’s been suffering from a pain in her breasts. Lord, heal her.
October 6, 2 001 - Saturday
Last night, I prayed passionately for Mama, asking for Mama Mary to forgive her. It's because she's been a little loose on her words about her faith. I prayed foolishly, as if the higher powers don't know yet, that she's been like that only because she's merely lost in the many problems that she has now.
This morning, she left early. She went to Baclaran where she used to pray often before. I was barely awake when I heard her say goodbye. When she returned, she explained why she went there. She said she dreamt of Mama Mary, leading her to a beautiful place. The way she described it, the place seemed like the Elysian Fields. I’m happy her dream gave her hope. Now she knows somebody up there hasn’t given up on her. So there’s no reason for her to give up on herself.
It’s his birthday today. I greeted him. And he said thanks. Funny. It’s only now did I realize that I feel empty.
Anyway, Ex texted me his number…just when I dreamt of him and his current girlfriend. I’m glad because a part of me has been missing the friend in him. Anyway, at least he remembered me some time in his life. Choco won’t let me take her to RENT. I’m depressed today because of so many things. Aunt came and Mama cried because she remembered Aunt's the one harboring her child.
God…I’m hurting inside. No one knows. But I couldn’t care less. I love a young man who admitted he loves me but now has forgotten me completely. I’m trying as hard as I can to let go.
Note to Michael the Guardian
Note to Michael the Guardian
No matter how hard I try to change, I fail the tests. Temptation finds its way through me and into my core. You have been the only one I let see the real me. Only your eyes have gazed what I’ve been keeping from everyone else. You’ve seen my only flaw. The skies are torn apart by my deed, the lightning and thunder protest in the sky. I feel I've created to make mistakes and suffer severely for knowing I could not be better than who I am. Pray for my soul, I ask you. So that upon my last breath, God would grant me happiness and reprieve. Strike me dead now if there is no room for better things. But if there’s still hope for a fruitful change, let me gaze a beautiful morning tomorrow.
October 7, 2001 - Sunday
Today was a great day. I woke up, feeling hopeful.
We went to BF to pay for the tickets and then the mall to buy a couple of things. I bought some Cardcaptor Sakura stuff, a book called Through A Glass, Darkly by Jostein Gaarder, a nice accessory and a pair of shoes, my first since Sixth Grade. I thought I deserved a break. But afterwards, I felt regret for having used money. I don’t feel like I’m worthy of all those stuff that I bought. Because it hit me that the past is long gone.
I used to buy five to six books every month. Now, I feel guilty for having bought a single book, my first after almost a year. I didn’t care about shoes then but I had three pairs, ready in case one pair gets extremely damaged or something. Now, I bought a pair but I feel like I shouldn’t have. I really don’t think I deserve anything. Look at life and those who live its true meaning. They would be very lucky to get through a day eating three square meals. Look at me. Do you see how big and stupid I am? I saved the rest of the money Dad sent me.
Right now, I’ve just finished watching Cardcaptor Sakura. It was a really good movie…and Shaoran and Sakura really looked cute together. I liked Keruberos. I think I like Shaoran for the simple reason that he’s unlike a real boy. He likes Sakura…and he’s not afraid to say it. Aside from this, it’s nice to see someone sincere about his feelings. I like his personality. And Sakura's. She’s such a darling with her outlook on life. Hmm. I can’t help but wish I lived in their world.
I’ve been thinking about what Mom’s been telling me. She said it would be wise for me to get a course that’s in demand than to settle for something that doesn’t promise…a stable future.
I can do what she said. I can go with the flow of the race. But the one thing I can’t do is restrain myself from trying to inspire. Every person who’s employed works hard to give the best service in order to receive the best reward, be it a personal fulfillment, a financial raise or a spiritual enlightenment. I’m no different. Because I inspire better when I do what I love doing best. But it doesn’t stop me from worrying. What if I’m not good at my craft? What if this conflict becomes the only reason for the worsening of problems? What if I won’t be able to save my family from financial crisis? I can only be the best I can be for them. Everything else is up to Him.
Why does forgetting seem so hard…? Is it because the feelings remain? Why do I feel empty when I love so much? Where is my worth in the heart that has forgotten?
I’d love to think that wishes were floating on soft blue lakes as leaves gently sway to touch the clear surface. I’d love to dream about the wind answering every teardrop with a kiss that silences the soul’s hunger. I’d love to praise life for her beauty that is sweet and innocent yet scheming and treacherous.
October 8, 2001 - Monday
I’ve started reading Through A Glass, Darkly. And I can’t anymore look at a thing or recognize a feeling the same way.
The biggest challenge right now for me is finding something worth fighting for. I will draw my strength from people who are depending on my success, because only they inspire me to go on. I’m yearning to find something worth striving for. That’s probably half the reason why I always get ahead of things…why I always try to guess the outcome. Have you ever heard of a person seeing the effect before living the cause? It sounds ridiculous. I’m always having ridiculous thoughts. Or maybe my thoughts make sense for people like me…
But I wonder sometimes. If there are really people like me out there.
The Angel Ariel says that we are living here for a brief visit but some people live like they think they will last. And the Spirit in The Famished Road said death was too perfect. But like every visit, there comes a time when we get tired and find our way back home right? Looking at the many things I have and all the people I consider as friends, I have been very blessed. Yet in the midst of the happiness these blessings make me feel like there’s a depth in me that cannot be filled.
The whole idea of living and dying has a universal definition. Dead living. Living dead. Hmm...
I honestly don’t know which is better. And another thing, it’s not that I have no ambitions or anything…but I feel like I don’t want to take my place in society. I just want to live each day as it comes. This philosophy might destroy me but then if it does, it only means my visit in the world has ended. And it’s time for a rest. I just don’t understand why I’ve already started living eighteen years of my life looking at the world from a book. I want to go out and experience exhilaration firsthand. I don’t understand why I have to comprehend the reasons for every event in life. Maybe it’s because our teachers thought we would have a lot of questions and they’ve merely given us the most available answers. Answers man had already figured out. They succeeded in filling this thirst but no school or teacher can answer a question that hasn’t been answered by man. So basically, I can master the knowledge I’ve learned all these years from a book in the summary of five or eight years…but who will fill my thirst for deeper questions? People always say that children ask a lot of whys. Don’t adults ask as much too? Adults can always speculate when unanswered and soon, they become satisfied with their guesses. But who can answer questions like… Why was I made? How does a person know when he has fallen in love? Where does a person get his strength after a broken heart? Where do dreams go after we wake up?’ Is a person’s soul really immortal?
My mind is a jumble of thoughts, questions, songs, and memories. And regret. For not having lived the other years of my life the way I wanted to.
Later
I’ve just finished reading Through A Glass, Darkly. I think it’s beautiful…and I’m not only criticizing. The book has become a part of me.
If I was full of questions before…my soul has become calm. Some of the questions are now answered. Not by definite explanations but by comfort.
I won’t deny that when I asked earlier, I felt so empty and hopeless. It was a big question whether I’d find the answers, so in a way; I was taking a journey without deciding a destination. Now, I’m still traveling and I’m not afraid of not knowing the destination because there’s relief in the knowledge that I will end up where I choose to be. It’s like taking a dusty route and deciding along the way whether to visit the Niagara Falls or the bookstore down the street. It’s enough to make me smile. Because I know there’s a place that waits just for me.
Maybe this is why I love to dream as well. So that in some way, my thoughts are free to explore and create what it knows won’t happen.
We went to BF to pay for the tickets and then the mall to buy a couple of things. I bought some Cardcaptor Sakura stuff, a book called Through A Glass, Darkly by Jostein Gaarder, a nice accessory and a pair of shoes, my first since Sixth Grade. I thought I deserved a break. But afterwards, I felt regret for having used money. I don’t feel like I’m worthy of all those stuff that I bought. Because it hit me that the past is long gone.
I used to buy five to six books every month. Now, I feel guilty for having bought a single book, my first after almost a year. I didn’t care about shoes then but I had three pairs, ready in case one pair gets extremely damaged or something. Now, I bought a pair but I feel like I shouldn’t have. I really don’t think I deserve anything. Look at life and those who live its true meaning. They would be very lucky to get through a day eating three square meals. Look at me. Do you see how big and stupid I am? I saved the rest of the money Dad sent me.
Right now, I’ve just finished watching Cardcaptor Sakura. It was a really good movie…and Shaoran and Sakura really looked cute together. I liked Keruberos. I think I like Shaoran for the simple reason that he’s unlike a real boy. He likes Sakura…and he’s not afraid to say it. Aside from this, it’s nice to see someone sincere about his feelings. I like his personality. And Sakura's. She’s such a darling with her outlook on life. Hmm. I can’t help but wish I lived in their world.
I’ve been thinking about what Mom’s been telling me. She said it would be wise for me to get a course that’s in demand than to settle for something that doesn’t promise…a stable future.
I can do what she said. I can go with the flow of the race. But the one thing I can’t do is restrain myself from trying to inspire. Every person who’s employed works hard to give the best service in order to receive the best reward, be it a personal fulfillment, a financial raise or a spiritual enlightenment. I’m no different. Because I inspire better when I do what I love doing best. But it doesn’t stop me from worrying. What if I’m not good at my craft? What if this conflict becomes the only reason for the worsening of problems? What if I won’t be able to save my family from financial crisis? I can only be the best I can be for them. Everything else is up to Him.
Why does forgetting seem so hard…? Is it because the feelings remain? Why do I feel empty when I love so much? Where is my worth in the heart that has forgotten?
I’d love to think that wishes were floating on soft blue lakes as leaves gently sway to touch the clear surface. I’d love to dream about the wind answering every teardrop with a kiss that silences the soul’s hunger. I’d love to praise life for her beauty that is sweet and innocent yet scheming and treacherous.
October 8, 2001 - Monday
I’ve started reading Through A Glass, Darkly. And I can’t anymore look at a thing or recognize a feeling the same way.
The biggest challenge right now for me is finding something worth fighting for. I will draw my strength from people who are depending on my success, because only they inspire me to go on. I’m yearning to find something worth striving for. That’s probably half the reason why I always get ahead of things…why I always try to guess the outcome. Have you ever heard of a person seeing the effect before living the cause? It sounds ridiculous. I’m always having ridiculous thoughts. Or maybe my thoughts make sense for people like me…
But I wonder sometimes. If there are really people like me out there.
The Angel Ariel says that we are living here for a brief visit but some people live like they think they will last. And the Spirit in The Famished Road said death was too perfect. But like every visit, there comes a time when we get tired and find our way back home right? Looking at the many things I have and all the people I consider as friends, I have been very blessed. Yet in the midst of the happiness these blessings make me feel like there’s a depth in me that cannot be filled.
The whole idea of living and dying has a universal definition. Dead living. Living dead. Hmm...
I honestly don’t know which is better. And another thing, it’s not that I have no ambitions or anything…but I feel like I don’t want to take my place in society. I just want to live each day as it comes. This philosophy might destroy me but then if it does, it only means my visit in the world has ended. And it’s time for a rest. I just don’t understand why I’ve already started living eighteen years of my life looking at the world from a book. I want to go out and experience exhilaration firsthand. I don’t understand why I have to comprehend the reasons for every event in life. Maybe it’s because our teachers thought we would have a lot of questions and they’ve merely given us the most available answers. Answers man had already figured out. They succeeded in filling this thirst but no school or teacher can answer a question that hasn’t been answered by man. So basically, I can master the knowledge I’ve learned all these years from a book in the summary of five or eight years…but who will fill my thirst for deeper questions? People always say that children ask a lot of whys. Don’t adults ask as much too? Adults can always speculate when unanswered and soon, they become satisfied with their guesses. But who can answer questions like… Why was I made? How does a person know when he has fallen in love? Where does a person get his strength after a broken heart? Where do dreams go after we wake up?’ Is a person’s soul really immortal?
My mind is a jumble of thoughts, questions, songs, and memories. And regret. For not having lived the other years of my life the way I wanted to.
Later
I’ve just finished reading Through A Glass, Darkly. I think it’s beautiful…and I’m not only criticizing. The book has become a part of me.
If I was full of questions before…my soul has become calm. Some of the questions are now answered. Not by definite explanations but by comfort.
I won’t deny that when I asked earlier, I felt so empty and hopeless. It was a big question whether I’d find the answers, so in a way; I was taking a journey without deciding a destination. Now, I’m still traveling and I’m not afraid of not knowing the destination because there’s relief in the knowledge that I will end up where I choose to be. It’s like taking a dusty route and deciding along the way whether to visit the Niagara Falls or the bookstore down the street. It’s enough to make me smile. Because I know there’s a place that waits just for me.
Maybe this is why I love to dream as well. So that in some way, my thoughts are free to explore and create what it knows won’t happen.
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