November 17, 2001 - Saturday
There are feelings that not even words could mend.
We went to the wake last night with my cousin, Kuya Pajing, his wife Ate Aileen and their son, Gio. During the trip, we felt rather comfortable. I had a sense of foreboding but did not feel the need to share it so I kept quiet the entire way.
When we arrived, Kuya Jun, Tito Erning’s oldest son was the first to say hello to us and after settling down, he dropped the bomb. Turning to my mom, he said rather amusedly, “Tita, dadating si Tito ah.”
Mom looked at him with the barest hint of interest and asked, “Kailan?”
“Ngayon. Sinundo na nga nina Ean eh.”
Funny, after that she looked at me. I told her I knew. She asked me how come I didn’t tell her. I told her I didn’t know technically but I had a feeling something was up and that when we arrive at the wake, he’d be present. After a few moments, Kuya Eric and Kuya Carlo (my cousins, Tita Vicky’s sons) arrived. Shortly after that, Tita Vicky, Kuya Ean, Lola and Ellaisa arrived with Dad.
I didn’t think his visit was ominous. I’ve long forgiven him and forgotten our past misunderstanding. But there was one thing that pained me very much. My relatives withheld information about my father. If not for Kuya Jun, we wouldn’t have known. We deserved to know at least to be prepared for what was coming.
After several hours, Kuya Ean (Tita Vicky’s youngest son) sat in front of me and I gave him dagger looks and hints. Sad to say, I wasn’t able to keep the tears from falling. He thought I was crying because Dad wasn’t spending time with me and because I was feeling out of place within my own family.
He talked to me and told me that the situation was chaotic and therefore things are a bit hard for Dad. He reckoned I should give him space to breathe because, according to him, if Tito Erning had died a natural death, it would’ve been easier for Dad to accept. He added (though I’m not quite sure if he used the same words), that in the kind of gathering we were in, one shouldn’t feel left out. One is responsible for one’s space and if he wants to belong, he has to compose his own group.
Actually, his rationalization was in vain because I didn’t feel any of the things he thought I was feeling. I was hurt, yes, but not by the reasons he assumed.
He was pertaining about the family’s unnatural way of making me feel singled out. I’ve felt out of place ever since I was young because I was barely informed about family gatherings, so I kind of grew up ignorant of relatives’ names and ranks. But I learned to cope with it as I was growing up so it didn’t bother me now.
Kuya explained that under the circumstances, Dad needs his space and cannot be expected to provide me the attention that I wanted. Here is where he’s very wrong. I’ve always tried to be an understanding person and last night only proved that I understood what Dad needed, thus explains my being distant from him. I know when to place another person’s needs before mine.
What Kuya failed to discern was the fact that the family failed to inform me about my own father’s homecoming. My mother is a very understanding woman and had we been informed about my father’s arrival, the awkward situation last night could’ve been avoided. The situation last night was exhausting. I had to go from one parent to another parent and be the same child without making the other feel more or less loved.
Kuya Ean pointed out that I wasn’t the only one having a dilemma. Kuya Pangga (my cousin) was there, smack-dab in the middle of Tita Julie (his mom) and Ellaisa (his 6-year-old half sister). He said that, in order to be comfortable, Kuya Pangga created his own space with his own group.
I could do the same thing, of course.
But I didn’t want to. Because in doing so, I wouldn’t be ignoring one of them. I’d be ignoring both of them. I have a tendency to strive for the happiness and comfort of the people dear to me. I have not the mind to abandon any of them…yet I have not the heart to ignore my own pain. Certain family members knew of his coming home. If they, at least, informed me about his arrival, Mom could’ve decided to pass. But since they did not tell me, I was torn apart last night. What if Dad came with Tita Beth. I would’ve been ripped threefold.
There was no need for tears last night. Yet they blossomed from my depth. It had been quite a task, pleasing both of them without making the other feel less tended. Still, I understand, accept and only hope that next time at least one family member would care enough to consider the tiny but existing me.
November 19, 2001 - Monday
The Leonid Storm was splendid! I’ve never seen anything quite like it. It even bears my zodiac sign.
*Smile*
I’ve finished reading The Fellowship of the Ring and Two Towers. I want to start reading the last book The Return of the King but Mom told me to rest my eyes for a bit. I guess I’m not really resting them since I’m typing right now.Tolkien has sucked me into his books and I’m breathless with anticipation. Masterful work!
November 21, 2001 - Wednesday
We went to the wake last night. Things were okay. Dad wasn’t there. But today, he visited me here at Tenement. I guess it’s because Tito Albert’s come home from Canada. He brought my printer, and we tried installing the scanner but it didn’t work because we didn’t have a printer cable.
I miss my friends…
November 22, 2001 - Thursday
I feel silly. Last night, I finally finished journeying with Tolkien’s characters in their quest. I can’t find words to describe how I feel. There’s a part of me that longs for the story’s continuation. Similar to what Master Samwise had said, the fellowship has finally gone where I can’t follow.
*Sigh*
I’m already beginning to miss Frodo…
But…Frodo lives…
November 23, 2001 - Friday
It’s Mama’s birthday today. Ate Odette texted me, asking me to greet Mama a happy birthday for her.
More
I can no longer hide my private thoughts from those who pursue, only because they want to know me effortlessly…
November 21, 2001 - Wednesday
We went to the wake last night. Things were okay. Dad wasn’t there. But today, he visited me here at Tenement. I guess it’s because Tito Albert’s come home from Canada. He brought my printer, and we tried installing the scanner but it didn’t work because we didn’t have a printer cable.
I miss my friends…
November 22, 2001 - Thursday
I feel silly. Last night, I finally finished journeying with Tolkien’s characters in their quest. I can’t find words to describe how I feel. There’s a part of me that longs for the story’s continuation. Similar to what Master Samwise had said, the fellowship has finally gone where I can’t follow.
*Sigh*
I’m already beginning to miss Frodo…
But…Frodo lives…
November 23, 2001 - Friday
It’s Mama’s birthday today. Ate Odette texted me, asking me to greet Mama a happy birthday for her.
More
I can no longer hide my private thoughts from those who pursue, only because they want to know me effortlessly…
November 24, 2001 - Saturday
Yesterday was the last day of Tito’s wake. After Dad installed the printer, he went on his way. We also prepared to go to Santa Ana. There were so many people when we arrived. Ate Abbie accompanied us by the way (my cousin/mother side). We settled ourselves outside the hall because it was too hot inside. Soon our group grew. After a few minutes, Dad arrived with Lola, Tita Beth, Alirez and Maan (Ms. Beth’s daughters). I was unchanged. I always know what Dad seems to be thinking that I had expected them to come. Mom however had those glassy eyes again. I greeted them.
The funny thing was when Lola twisted my pinkie finger. It was while I was absent-mindedly looking around. She got hold of my pinkie finger and clandestinely started trying to dislocate it, trying to force me without words to kiss Tita Beth and her children. The twisting actually hurt but what hurt most was the extent of the action an old woman was willing to do to force her granddaughter in a very amiable but uncomfortable position. But I was, at that moment, not equipped to fight the current of the river that travels the byways of the world.
I kissed the air beside Tita’s cheek and greeted her daughter. I thought Maan was alone.
Anyway it makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Treat others the same way you want to be treated. Still, that doesn’t always happen. We can’t please everybody. Sometimes, it even feels like we can’t please anybody.
Kuya Ean settled himself on the seat beside mine (he’s like John but more brooding. Hmm…Jean and John…Same names, the other one’s French though) We talked about certain things like…Ate Nine. Ate Abbie and I enjoyed teasing him to his utmost discomfort. Anyhow, I noticed this person with blond hair ever since we arrived because he strangely reminds me of Lestat. Kuya Ean and I were talking when he came over and said he wanted to be introduced. So Kuya acquainted us with each other. He’s ok. I’m not really good with names so unfortunately I forgot his. He kept saying he knew a lot about me and mentioned something about my eighteenth birthday. I nodded, silently wondering how he came to know those things about me. He also mentioned La Salle and a few other things. Anyway, I finally understood when he said he was Maan’s uncle. Dad probably told him about me. Anyway, what happened next was the low for the night.
At the exact same time, Maan approached him and whispered something in his ear. He looked at her and then he introduced her to my mom. She looked at my mom (according to Ate Abbie who was in full view of everything) and raised an eyebrow.
Mom changed after that. I think her point is one good turn deserves another. I guess if it happened to other people, they would seize the opportunity to speak out.
But me…
…I cannot say words that are not meant for me to speak. Who am I to cause pain upon others? I used to be reckless. But now I know that the only one who has utmost authority is Him up there. Worry does not exist in me if worry pertains to reputation. Let the world see that I try my best to make ends meet even if some people think I shouldn’t make an effort at all and refuse to consider the ridicule as part of real life. Who am I to defy the fate I’ve been created to take…?
I will stand by her, revealing to the world how she is the entire universe in my life. The Lord is my light. My heart is at ease with obstacles as long as He is with me. We are human, creating our own space on earth, dissatisfied by merely living. Our need for change is great.
Greater still would the change be if it made us the best of who we can be. When my brief visit is over, I will face Him, alone. I have nothing to be proud of. I am streaked by human follies. How beautiful the brave who wears his poverty with pride, his poverty of body and soul.
He is not ashamed of being a small man in a big universe.
Someday, I’ll change the world. I only pray I will not die before my time…and I pray to have humble wisdom. Whatever glory I will earn, it is not for me. It is because and for God.
Random Thoughts
I am an only child yet I am everyone’s sibling.
If all the sufferings persevered by a mortal count as good deeds in heaven…the place would be packed.
‘…But in the end, it doesn’t even matter…’
My mind is running wild with so many thoughts. And my heart is frenzied from feeling so many emotions. How is it possible to disguise love when love itself is as bare as truth? I believe I’m living an ephemeral life…
…How then can I make moments eternal with my remaining time?
My friends reckon I deserve to be loved…therefore I shouldn’t think lowly of myself. I’m one of the many battered souls, true, but love lights up my face like newly born hope. Still, I can’t help but think…
…We love those who cannot love us back…
…And we cannot love back those who love us well…
Must everything exist in a cycle…?
Reckon I start a philosophy.
About life being more like a horizontal line.
That’s as perfect as a car with square wheels.
The heart must always be forgiven for its bursts of passion. It is reckless. It does not see who gets hurt in the way. That’s why our eyes are on our heads, to see above our self-beating hearts. Imagine man, having eyes as many as the pineapple’s…I reckon nobody will get run over in any way ever.
November 27, 2001 - Tuesday
I thought my pc wouldn’t work anymore. Something happened to it yesterday. So I had to open the CPU and do what Tito Ronald told me. He told me to take out the battery and wait for five seconds before putting it back again. It worked except that I was so distracted that one of the pins of the monitor cord got a dent. I straightened it out and it worked, thank God. I cut my finger. I used to be afraid of seeing blood but curiously, I merely wiped it off and forgot all about it.
Um…yesterday, a friend called it quits (about our friendship). It started like this. We went to ATC for the Harry Potter movie. He was among the few people who turned up.
Being in the same group as he, I didn’t feel comfortable but I didn’t feel too awkward either. When we decided that we weren’t going to watch because Calai won’t be able to go home early (the next showing was around 6PM) we decided to eat first and then just spend the day roaming around. When we got to a beauty store, he didn’t come in with us. So we went in and after a few minutes, went out to accompany him…only to find him gone. Calai tried texting him but he wasn’t replying. I knew I was the reason why he left. So after our group parted ways, I texted him. I asked him why he left without saying goodbye.
He told me if he didn’t say goodbye then what the hell did he say when we talked at Magic Wand. I remember that he did say goodbye to me there, but I really never considered it as a serious matter because we would still be friends despite my family and I moving to another place.
Anyway, I tried to convince him that it wasn’t really goodbye. But he refused to listen. He told me over text that it was his last message. Then he said “Goodbye my tragic poet” (I remember telling him during our high school days that I wanted to be one of the tragic poets). The fact that he still remembers that moment was…quite touching.
Today I sent him a quote, telling him that although he has his own life I would still care about him. Then he sent me a message I’ve heard before, on a foggy February night.
‘I love you.’
Actually, cute yung pic message. But I know I’m causing him pain…
…The same pain I’ve felt once.
November 30, 2001 - Friday
I spent the day with my friends. Actually, I spent most of the day with Calai. We watched HP. Wicked.
Met with John, but we both needed to hurry to other places so we didn’t get to talk very long. I gave him the Odes to Common Things. I’m glad I was able to see him.
I’m moved by Der’s letter…utterly touched.
Even if I don’t mention her name often here, it doesn’t mean that I’m not thinking about her. I remember her always, especially when I feel down. I recall her words and feel instantly a new surge of strength reviving me. I’m just very grateful for everything and for everyone.
December 1, 2001 - Saturday
How wonderful! It’s the first day of December. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. Anyway, John sent me so many messages last night because of the book I gave him. His mirth is already more than enough happiness for me. Knowing I was able to touch him in a way…it was very overwhelming. I was also overwhelmed with Der’s letter. I reached out and she took me in her arms, comforting me. Once more, I’m moved more than words can explain.
I tried to text my special friend.
The first message I sent him was ‘helo. am I disturbing you?’
To my surprise he tried calling me. But I didn’t answer his calls. I told him I’m not good in conversing. Then he left a message in my voice mailbox. I told him it’s no good either. I can’t retrieve the messages because I’ve forgotten my security code (pathetic, no?) Finally, he texted back…
‘I want 2 say Im sori & I want u 2 hear me say it. U always disturb me. U always visit me in my dreams. U always occupy my thoughts evrydy. Do u disturb me? Yes. But I wont have it any other way!’
*Stunned* I told him I know I’m causing him some unexplainable pain. And I don’t want it to be that way. Again, he replied.
‘If u r pain, strike me again. I wld rather have pain than sweet comfort.’
*…* I told him I’d rather be sweet comfort than pain. But I can’t offer him that comfort. I tried explaining my position. Then to my messages, he answered.
‘Im not forcing u 2 anythn. Dis is my choice. I’ve always knwn ur a star I cnt reach. I prmsd myself if I snt dat msg I wld mean it. I jst want u 2 know 1 thng: There’s a guy called ……. dat loves u no mater wat.’
…
All I know is that what he feels for me overwhelms me. How can I prevent myself from hurting him? His feelings are all too familiar…what really saddens me is the fact that as much as I want to be the help he needs to forget his feelings, I’m not the one that can help him.
December 2, 2001 - Sunday
It’s Aunt Del’s birthday today (we live under the same roof). I made her a card from the PC and I’m very pleased to know that she liked it. The only down side of her birthday was the big fight she had with my cousin, Kaye. It’s because Kaye was on the ground floor with her friends. She told Aunt Del that she’s going to buy something and Aunt Del told her to be quick. So when she saw how slow Kaye was walking, she started yelling at her from the fourth floor. Kaye, being humiliated, shouted at Aunt Del as soon as she entered the flat. They argued for minutes, and I heard occasional slaps here and there from the other room. I didn’t want to butt in because I know it’ll only make matters worse. But when I heard what Kaye was saying after Aunt Del went out of the flat…*Heartbreak*
She said she didn’t care if it was her mom’s birthday, she’ll ram her horns against anybody she wants to. Then talking to her 2-month-old baby, she was muttering about how someday she’ll get a rich man and leave her mom alone.
…Everything changes…
Later
Our flat is packed with so many delightful people that Mama is having a hard time sleeping. Kaye and Aunt Del made up.
…Everything changes…
The next reflection is something I made as I sat in the kitchen, away from the gathering crowd outside.
Random Thoughts
‘Sometimes I feel like the whole universe dwells in me. Every occurring thought moves at the same pace but all in different directions. This is the reason why there is either a subtle description or an absence of expression.
My emotions meddle in the affairs of my mind, complicating my life. And before I know it, I am standing on the tip of my finger, gawking at the world spinning rapidly around me. Closing my eyes, the event makes me smile. Because in me, there is a soft humming sound, whispering blurred images of thought and feeling…
It is not the world that spins, after all.
I am half-beaten by a short-lived bliss and the countless memories contributed by charming smiles. My mind kept all of these, not to cause worse torment and ache, but to forestall me from realizing that there is life after love. And sure enough, I remembered and survived.
How am I liken to Aragorn? I am not half elven-blooded king or noble healer. Yet we are of the same kin.
`It is better…far better to be known so well by few than to be known so vaguely by many.
I continue to stare at the horizon...not to search for signs of salvation but to look deep into the eye of He who hardly rests. I see his eye as soon as morning comes, peeping through clouds of fading gray. And as I watch the death-cold stars, I see his eye again…His eye that seems to seek the dark corners of alleyways and graveyards...
…For any sign of a servant who remains faithful.
My placid grins try to pierce His eye, aiming to convince Him of this worthless search. I was there, standing right below the evening sky. But because of the dirt stains upon my shirt, there is no recognition for the soul who pleaded to experience the world.
My heart beats ever faster every day…shortening the years to minutes…lengthening the dreams to sighs.’
December 5, 2001 - Wednesday
‘May sikreto akong sasabihin sayo.
Mayroong nangyaring hindi mo alam. Ito’y isang lihim, itinagong kay tagal…
…Muntik na kitang minahal.
Noo’y hindi nakayang ipadama sayo…ang nararamdaman ng pusong ito.
At hanggang ngayon ay naaalala ka…
…Muntik na kitang minahal.
Ngayon ay aaminin ko na…na sana nga ay tayong dalawa.
Mga tanong mo’y iniwasan ko. Akala ang pag-ibig mo’y di totoo.
Di ko alam kung ano ang nangyari…
…Damdamin ko sayo’y hindi ko nasabi…
Hanggang ang puso mo’y napagod sa paghihintay kay tagal…
Hanggang ang puso mo’y napagod sa paghihintay kay tagal…
…Saka ko lang naisip…
…Muntik na kitang minahal.’
I can relate to this song…
I can’t give him (or anyone for that matter) a chance because…I simply can’t. There are so many things I have to take care of and to bear another thing; I am completely confused and tired. I hope he understands that it is utmost necessary for my survival to focus on one direction. I know it’s difficult for him. But it’s also difficult for me. In short, we’re both having a hard time; and knowing that he won’t try to move on, my heart is terribly burdened with the thought that I’m hurting somebody without intending to. We’re good friends and that’s the way I want us to be. I hope he respects what I feel, the same way I respect how he feels. If I didn’t care about him, I would’ve just recklessly said yes.
Can love grow in days or weeks?
Can love dwell in one reason alone?
Calai told me that if she was in my place, she’d be scared, too but I’m braver than her so I should take my chances.
God knows it takes a higher degree of bravery to tell someone that there’s little chance in order to save that person from experiencing more pain.
I’m giving my priorities the attention I’ve never given them. This is who I’ve never been. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I can take on anything.
He hardly knows who I am and where my heart has been.
Right now, my relationship with the Lord gives me the most inspiration and will to go on. I’ve never been this close to Him except when I was still a child.
I hope he understands and respects what I need right now.
...Sadly enough, he doesn’t know what I need that’s why he doesn’t understand me.
And the most irritating thing about this is he belittles himself and tells me how he’ll wait in a corner and come only when I need him.
He makes me feel as if I have been cruel to him.
…Makes me feel like I’ve done him a great wrong…
It’s making matters worse…
December 6, 2001 - Thursday
I’ve finally finished writing my letter for him. I hoped he would understand and respect also what I feel. I’ve gone through what he’s going through and indeed, it‘s not a pleasant place. But I am not the one who can take him out of there. He has to make an effort to move on. I don’t want him to stay there.
I don’t know if I should give him the letter.
Mom had a glimpse of my journal. And as expected, she cried by the truth of my words. They were not tears of sadness but of relief. I am glad because in some way, I have comforted her.
December 8, 2001 - Saturday
We went to Fortmax Resort in Merville. It was okay except for the fact that as soon as we arrived, over thirty men turned up. There were only five women in the resort, Me, Ate Abbie, Kaye and two other.
*Shudder*
Just when we were getting spooked, Mom arrived with guess-who?
Kuya Marc Anthony! Kuya Marc is Mama Fely’s nephew and we grew up together in the old house at Gloria Diaz. I’ve really missed him!
Mama’s family is warning her that she should stay away from Mom and me because according to them, we wasted all of her money. What hurts me the most is she can’t bring herself to tell them the truth.
Mom and I are taking the blame. Is that fair…? Or shall we speak out and break our silence…? The shadow reaches all parts of the world.
December 9, 2001 - Sunday
I am feeling no better. My old world creeps up to me and threatens to make me cold and vulnerable once more. The Lord above controls my spirit. Where I am now is where He has intended me to be. Man has brought me my ailments, not the Lord. Even if He let them come to me to serve as a challenge, I accept them as blessings. The Lord only gives blessings. Man makes his own sufferings.
If only I am void of feeling, I might survive the brimming teardrops such men and women cause. If only in my dreams, I could escape the bruises they inflict upon my spirit, I would wake every day wearing a brighter smile. They listen to lies and judge upon their fellowmen using such lies to summarize a person. They use vile words that discourage the innocent from finding true happiness. They label the blameless, names such as ‘plague’ and not only insult the innocent, but also insult the God who made them.
Lord, how cruel and unfaithful Your children have become...
My hands are endlessly bleeding for they cease to acknowledge that reaching for them causes me agony. I am no better than a piece of wood rotting in the rain or a dead leaf newly fallen from a dying tree or an old woman withering from polluted love. I am no better than the lowest scum in the universe for I am a sinner. My love for You is all that matters. You are the father who never left my side. You are the tree of which shade gave me rest. You are the food of which I ate after years of famine. You are the peace that settled in me after my exhausting battles.
A man, who has been corrupted by many things, in this similar situation might say, ‘Why must I give praise to the Lord’s name? He drowns me in many sufferings!’
Why, Lord, loving You is the greatest privilege anyone can imagine. I do not love You just because I want to grasp salvation. I love You because You alone are my life…my king…my friend…my teacher…my brother…my healer. The being that suffered for me, who laughed with me, who traveled with me, and most of all, the one who died for me when I became corrupted myself. All of who I am and all of what belongs to me summarize only to one thing…one matter…You.
…And You have made me the richest person in the world with Your love!
You are the greatest, the commandant of the future, the timeless songs of the past, the perfect fruit of the present…and I adore You for You are my friend.
You alone have seen who I am. You have gazed at the whole of my spirit. Men spoke of how You will judge the entire universe. But when I asked forgiveness, You forgave…and the scales tipped over. Your love and understanding for me won over the much pain I’ve caused You. I asked for Your heart once and gave it a beating, and when I returned to give it back, You cried when You saw it battered. And yet as my hand held it out, You didn’t take it. You entrusted it to me once more, giving me a second chance.
You raised and embraced me like a brother…a father…a mother…a teacher…
…A loving king to his treacherous servant…
All my filth was washed away by Your undying love and forgiveness.
From there, I more than understood what is love…I felt real love for the first time.
You have already done so many wonderful things for me. You never, not even once, inflicted pain upon me.
I am Your faithful servant. I want to show You how much I love You. I want You to feel the same love You made me feel. With these dreams, I plan to help the people find their way to You.
You did not ask me to do anything for You. You did not command me to preach…or judge…or foretell…or perform miracles.
But I am moved by Your love for me that I long to show You how much I love You as well.
Until my visit is over, I will strain to reunite them with You, so that I might once again be able to see the smile upon Your face upon reconciling with Your long-lost children.
…This entry is for you.
December 11, 2001 - Tuesday
I was too tired to write what happened yesterday. We went to Cavite yesterday to visit Lola and to give my letters to Tita Vicky. When we got there, it was okay. I was playing with the kids for a while (Tito Boy’s) and then it started.
Lola asked me to buy a 300-peso credit for my cell so I did. When I got back, Mom asked me to text Dad. Lola asked me to mention her bill to Dad. Dad texted back, telling me that he’s a little short on cash but he’s going to send something next week. Mom told me to text him, “How ‘bout my Merry Christmas?”
So I did. His reply was, “555 na muna tayo. Sanay naman tayo dyan.” I replied, “Oo nga, pandesal, mantikilya at asukal. Take care of yourself. Don’t overwork. Too much stress is bad for you.”
Then, I told Lola and Mom about it. They started chatting while I kept my eyes glued to the T.V. because I was trying to understand the Animé over their loud voices. Then Mom suddenly said, “O, nakasimangot ka na. Wag ka nang magtampo kay Papa mo.”
I looked at her sideways. My stare meant to tell her “What are you talking about?”
But she teased me all the more. I got pissed. If I was my old self, I would have just ignored her and get back to watching. But I’ve changed. I can’t stand someone talking about me in a way that leads others to believe that I’m feeling something that’s not true.
That moment scarred me and I cried. Because Mom emphasized how hurt I am when he’s not sending anything. She used to do that a lot before, when Dad came home and we went to visit him in Cavite (he stays with Lola every time he comes home).
During that time, she kept saying that I shouldn’t be sad because Dad has finally come home and that I should wipe off the frown on my face. I stared at her, trying to ask her with my eyes to stop. But she didn’t.
I cried and cried while I was watching the TV, my face unmoved by emotions. I want them to know that in some way, I am my own person.
Gone are the days of childhood plays.
Gone are the hours of timeless keeping.
Gone are the minutes of spirited rays.
Gone are the years of soulless weeping.
December 12, 2001 - Wednesday
I watched several movies. Hmm…The Perfect Storm…Bedazzled…Training Day…Here on Earth…The Thirteenth Warrior.
The last movie was fascinating. Two years ago, on my birthday, Ate Vaebz (my cousin’s wife) gave me a present. It was Michael Crichton’s Eaters of the Dead.
At first, I thought I wouldn’t be interested in it because the cover didn’t look appealing but soon, I was swept off my feet. It was the kind of adventure I wanted to be part of.
Other Thoughts
I have a weird feeling that I would be having a tough year next year in school. One year is such a long rest that I feel I am about to get myself into something difficult. Whatever it is, I only hope I would be strong enough to handle it. May the Lord keep watch over me.
Later
I had a weird dream (see Dec 12, My Slumber).
December 14, 2001 - Friday
I woke up around 1:30 AM from a dream. When I looked at the TV (it was off), I saw a man dressed in white in it. He was smiling. When I turned around, nobody was there.
I told Aunt Del and my cousin, Kaye about it and they said, “Meron talagang nagpaparamdam.”
A ghost or an angel? Hmm.
December 15, 2001 - Saturday
Rented a couple of movies for the whole family. The One…Original Sin…Trip…Dracula 2001.
So far, I’ve watched Original Sin. It was a predictable story.
Later
I have just watched Dracula 2001.
My mother and I are offering my relatives (father side) a business that makes earning money easy. I have just received a message from them.
I cannot fully remember it because as soon as I had read it, I erased it. It was, in a certain way, an unpleasant message because it lacked consideration and courtesy…
Clearly enough, someone, who hardly cared if his/her lack of manners offends other people, made the message.
I think it goes like this. ‘Chai, sabi ni Kuya Erick kay Lola, di daw cla interesado sa inaalok ninyo. Kaya wag na kayong mag-abala. Lola Feding!’
I was barely affected by the message because I didn’t know who owned the number. Tito Dan (from my mother side) was the one who started the chain of the business and Mom was supposed to accompany him tomorrow to visit my relatives’ house (father side). Mom just called him to inform him but she didn’t mention the exact message. She said Tito Dan told her he was already looking forward to going to their place tomorrow. She said he sounded disappointed.
I am terribly…lost.
I can’t help but think that every family has their Sackville-Bagginses.
Random Thoughts
Our eyes are made of glass. They crack at witnessing every moment of truth. And finally they break. Soon the blood gushes from our eyes as we blink them away, refusing to believe that we feel the pain inside. We are rebels against our own hearts…for to hear the bells that so beautifully ring, the downfall is graceful and endless.
Rave against feeling and sight. Eat all that is offered; refuse not a single ounce of spineless love and malignant lie. Remember that the world is beautiful beneath man’s feet. Life is like a river of gold, glinting of promises, cleansing and revitalizing.
Defeat is shame upon my cheek…and I am a fool to wear it hidden behind an unseen cloak.
December 16, 2001 - Sunday
Aunt Linda sent Book 1 and 2 of the Harry Potter series! I’m at a loss for words. To think, we’re not close and already…I feel like she’s one of the few relatives I have whom I can have a special bond with. Thanks.
December 19, 2001 - Wednesday
We went to BF yesterday to get my yearbook. I went to National Bookstore and Powerbooks to get Tin a little something and me a little something and to glimpse the preview of The Lord of the Rings. I bought The Hobbit.
If only I could open a black hole to visit Middle-Earth, I would. The only time I’ve visited such a place was in dreams that didn’t last very long. I am overwhelmed with desire to have a quest like Bilbo’s or Frodo’s.
I’ve begun to understand why Mama is the way that she is and why during her birthday, she was the one who gave gifts (very much like a good-natured hobbit). I’ve only begun to understand that this is because she’s never been wholly happy in her entire life and perhaps making other people happy gives her her share of happiness. I reckon that’s the only time she feels most complete.
There’s a part of me that pities her. But more than half of me exude with love for her. Because her attempts to disguise herself are anything but successful.
I want to take her pain away. I want to heal her of the wounds that had never closed. I want to shower her with gifts money can never buy. But I can’t do much except love her and hope in a way my love for her would compensate for all the tribulations she’s gone through.
Random Thoughts
I have never felt this way for such a long time that I am surprised at how I feel. I feel a great dislike for the world today. ‘I want adventure in the great wide somewhere.’ I want to be on a quest to overthrow a force of evil and even though not quite sure if my abilities would qualify me as a worthy person, my heart beats ever faster at the prospect of daring a new place…a new life. I want to live many years and look back seeing that I lived it to the fullest. I want to draw a mighty sword and give a thundering battle cry. I want to feel the meadows and streams and rocks beneath my feet. I want to feel the sun and the stars and the moon and the clouds above me.
Basically it’s Tolkien’s work that started in me this maddening thrive for adventure. I want to be an elf-lord or a lost princess or a river nymph or a giant tree or an elf-queen or a worthy servant or a gallant horse.
I can’t sleep tonight…
…For even the faeries at night need light.
The yearbook brings fond memories. Yet the pang grows a little more every day.
There is a great moment stirring in me. I am one of a lost kind, bearing an endless song.
I am a person of immeasurable dreams. And I am not ashamed of it.
For these dreams madden me with desire to make them come true.
I am afflicted with despair yet I am overflowing with hope.
There is no surrender.
As long as the faces around me remain long, the eyes remain hopeful, the voices remain cheerless and the laughter remains empty, I will be on an endless quest to bring back the treasure of my people they lost long ago…
…Faith.
December 20, 2001 - Thursday
I slept round 3AM and woke up around 7AM. Mama left early, telling me that she’d only make a phone call and soon come back. When she returned, she woke Mom up bearing news. She said she called Ate and she was welcomed warmly. She said that Ate had invited her over for Christmas Eve until Christmas. Mom and I rejoiced because, at long last, they would finally reconcile with one another.
May the Lord bless them and help them work things out for the better.
I had a haircut at the parlor my cousin works at. The place was nice and cozy.
December 22, 2001 - Saturday
Kuya Pangga and Ate Abbie accompanied me to BF, to Tin’s party. I can’t help but feel extremely happy, seeing my friends again. They gave me Christmas gifts. Er…I wasn’t able to get them anything because of certain reasons. But it was extremely sweet of them.
We went to Coco’s place afterwards. John was a bit down. He seemed present, living the moment but…floating in a remote level of feeling and thought.
Karen and I exchanged a few words and I felt glad because we were able to talk as well as any good friends. We used to have a gap because of Brady etc. but it’s nice to know we’re over that. She reminds me of John because she’s very nice to talk to.
When majority of our friends went home, John and Coco started doing comic stunts like singing er…’songs’ with interpretations. The place was flying with Denise’s gifts for the boys.
It got very cold soon so I borrowed Pat’s polo for a while.
After the Simbang Gabi (er…which we didn’t finish), we had a chat during breakfast. After several odd observations of the Filipino/English translation of things, we were soon laughing and finally a bit over our sleepiness. When food once more occupied our attention, Coco’s dog howled in the background. John, staring into nothingness, spoke his thought aloud, “Ang asong Nauulol…Sa umaga.” We were all stunned and soon laughing again when Karen remarked, “Parang pelikula ah.”
I’m still thinking about how Coco feels. Men aren’t the only ones breaking and trampling hearts pitilessly. Some women break hearts, too. But let’s not blame a person for hurting another. There are many reasons why these things happen and I still strongly believe (like Keng) that if things don’t turn out the way we want them to, it’s because something better is heading our way.
Random Thoughts
I remember something someone once said. ‘I am a fraud and a liar.’ Perhaps I should be more honest with myself. Maybe through honesty, I’ll be able to recuperate (successfully) from the past.
Seeing Ivan there was a stabbing reminder. He went to Coco’s place after Tin’s party. And we exchanged a ‘Hey’ and ‘How are you’. Curious…hmm. I saw him standing by his car, cigarette stick in hand, talking with some of our friends. Not that I’m ‘anybody’ in his life to have any say on what he wants to do. It just…caught me off guard. Let’s just say he’s not exactly in my list of likely people getting the hang of cigarettes.
Soon, he was leaving. He was about to walk towards his car when he stopped in front of me and asked me with his familiar smile regarding how I would commute. I told him somebody would pick me up early in the morning. Still smiling, he nodded in comprehension. Then we hugged our good-byes.
It was normal for the whole family (Embryo). Everyone kissed the air beside everyone’s cheeks and hugged when they’ve just arrived and when they’re about to leave. There was nothing different about the way he kissed and hugged Dawn (Ahem…I like for you to be still) or Denise.
Except that when it was our turn to say goodbye to one another…
…There was a sudden spark of great pain in me.
We backed off, returning to our places.
…
Even now, as I wander around in our flat, unconscious of what is occurring…his presence continues to linger in my arms…his breath upon my cheek…the echo of his farewell in my ear.
I am maddened with hatred for this feeling.
…The most difficult thing about loving him is…
…I cannot lose someone who was never mine.
Fool…
...A fool graced by the evanescent shadow of affection…
Later
Mom is saying all sorts of things about how I don’t love her and how I may be thinking she’s not a good mother because of her lack of education. I grow tired of this repetitive pain she inflicts. She kidded me about someone with a simple word, “Breakup?”, conveying the message that he and I broke up or something similar. I became silent for quite some time because it was a touchy subject. When she asked why I seemed like in a bad mood, I told her with a sad smile, “Because of the word “Breakup”.
I didn’t mean it as a personal grudge against her. I loathe the word…the word and the word alone. But it seemed that my answer wasn’t enough to convince her that I love her and I despise the word. It’s a touchy subject for me because breaking up means parting ways. And just thinking of our parted ways…Ivan’s and mine…without so much as goodbye…I become numb. When I was telling her about my friends…I was actually giving her an idea about how I was feeling the same way they were. I was actually telling her that I am heart-broken because stupid as it sounds and stubborn as I am, I still love Ivan even if he doesn’t love me in return.
Then she started talking about how she’s never done anything right in her entire life. There are no words fit to describe how hurt I am because it’s untrue. I am enraged with pain from her sharp words. I love her truly and will never dare to fight back or hurt her unintentionally or intentionally. And for her to think so many things…for her to dislike my friends who have loved her from afar as a mother…for me to hear words that would bruise any soul and make me remember Kitkat’s “Don’t make mountains out of molehills.”
I am enveloped in teardrops. Because she is my mother and she is being honest and she loves me and she thinks all sorts of stuff about me that I wouldn’t even dream about…because my heart loves her ten times greater with every teardrop she sheds.
It is better to be silent…while this vision of myself keeps repeating in my mind. I am falling, falling from a great height.
Later
Mom said she had a nightmare. That Mama walked in the flat, panicked, telling her I was missing. So Mom started yelling out my name. But she didn’t find me.
The night calls out my name.
December 23, 2001 - Sunday
We’re on speaking terms again. I can’t help but realize that mom is a true person…a real woman…as unpredictable as the weather. But I love her more because there’s no one else like her. Mom, you mean everything to me. I love you.
Random Thoughts
Aladdin’s line in a particular song in the third sequel made my heart swell with familiarity:
‘You don’t understand. There is so much that you don’t see.
Just think if you can what growing up had to be like for me.
Your father’s a man who taught you who you are…
…Mine was never there.
So how can you say…I don’t come out of thin air?’
More
Mama’s leaving tomorrow because she’s going to spend the holiday with Ate Odette. I’m very happy for her. I hope God blesses them all.
December 24, 2001 - Monday
The night is so beautiful. I just came home from Cavite with Mom.
We visited Lola and picked up what Dad sent me.
Loneliness…a cry from the wells of my soul.
December 25, 2001 - Tuesday
Almost everybody in the family (mother side) is persecuting us because of vehement lies. But no matter what they say, I won’t retaliate. Because I know better that I’m not the person they think I am.
I’m going to apply for a job in January. I hope I get accepted. If I don’t, well, tough.
My heart is fluttering.
I want to seek the cause of my half-emptiness…
Sublime voices are lifting me up to the light…
But I am falling.
December 27, 2001 - Thursday
It’s 7:30 AM and I just woke up. I don’t usually wake up this early but I did and it’s because of Mom’s near bursting out of hurt and pain from what her sibling had done.
Based on what I’ve heard, she was able to pit everyone against everyone…
*Sigh*
The Lord is our sole judge and He will not let his people become oppressed.
December 28, 2001 - Friday
I’m about to go to Glorietta to check out some books and other things.
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