God created a miracle today. It's a day of not expecting, but finding miracles hidden in niches of prayers and of cloth.
More from the past...
October 19, 2001 - Friday
I woke up today hardly feeling my legs at all. They felt sore and were so stiff that I couldn’t even wiggle my toes without wincing. It's because Mom and I walked for almost an hour before we were finally able to hail a cab.
Anyway, I can barely remember what happened last night. It all seems like a distant and foggy dream. I still can’t believe I’ve already watched RENT. I thought I’d finally be able to determine what future I’d want to have by watching it. And I thought if the show’s bad and the audience won’t be amazed, then I’d change my mind about theatre. But now, more than ever, I want so much to be a performer. I’m not really a good singer.
I'm an okay dancer. Even if I’m not up on the stage, I just want to be the one that breathes life to the characters. I guess if I really set my mind to it, I can make a decent story. I still want to get better at writing though. There's always room for for improvement.
Even if I don’t make it, it’s okay. I’m really just playing out God’s plans as I live.
I liked JM Rodriguez' performance last night. It’s funny because I see him on TV but never realized he has that much talent in him.
John texted me. I was really surprised because from what I remember he has already sold his phone. So when I saw his name in my inbox, I almost jumped out of sheer joy. He told me about the meet-up today and asked me if I was attending. I was surprised. I told him I didn't know about any meet-ups. I was with them last night and not one of them mentioned it. I felt bad at first. It bugged me for a while so I popped RENT in the player and now, I’m feeling better.
My situation’s making things difficult. So it’s only right that I shouldn’t wonder if this happens again.
And again. And again. I’ve been alone before because I haven’t found them yet. Now I’m alone again but I know I never really lost them. I miss John and our conversations. There’s something magical about being able to talk to him. His depth enchants me. I love him dearly.
October 20, 2001 - Saturday
I’ve just finished reading The Rescue. It’s beautiful although I was reading with just half-hearted attention. The electric bill was what really occupied my mind. So I finally decided that I wouldn’t be using my PC for a while. It’s back to the notebooks for me.
But as soon as I have enough funds to indulge in hours of writing in the PC, I’ll follow up. Anyway, that’s it for now.
Written:
It’s back to writing in the notebook for me. The electric bill’s been driving me nuts and I want to be responsible for my actions so aside from shouldering the bill, I’ve shut down the pc with a sad goodbye. It’s not for good, of course.
I have finished texting Kitkat about how I had problems, too. And I’ve been drifting apart because I’m letting the distance push me away from them. But I won’t be able survive without them. Further on, I apologized to her if I led her to believe that I was angry or hurt.
I wasn’t. I’m just sad. Because I'm powerless and can't be with them again. Sad as it is, I can’t keep up anymore. I don’t want to say goodbye but I have to stop for a while. Whenever they talk about college and things, I feel different. But I know it’s for the best.
I only wish they’d understand that this does not mean that our friendship is over. It’s rude, unethical and simply pointless. But I’m planning to give out this diskette during Papu’s birthday. I know, I know. But I won’t be a jerk and ruin the occasion. Still, there’s nothing else.
I don’t know what to do. It seems like the right thing to do. God bless their hearts and help them understand.
RENT occupies my mind. Fills me like void. Washes over me like guilt. Embraces me like ice. And loves me like misery. I’m grateful enough that I was able to rent time for love. The friendship will last longer than it's supposed due. The home I found in the group will stay the same. Only, a person has momentarily walked out the door to meet the rain. Not because it’s better to be cold but because it’s only right to face it alone with the warmth ignited by an unforgettable flame. I love you guys. And someday, I’ll make you proud of me.
Random Thoughts
I always wonder about clothes. There’s something about dressing up. It isn’t just putting on garments anymore. It’s about wearing what you feel inside. I like being a human shadow. Seeing everything but not being seen. I think it’s because I like fictional characters that are like that. Heroes...but nonetheless, a still shadow against the light. Hmmm. Sort of like Spawn or Blade. A character with a dark past but a hero with a good soul. I want to make a story like theirs. But I can’t seem to think straight. I keep seeing my emotions everywhere.
And Ivan’s face.
It hurts to remember someone not quite forgotten.
October 21, 2001 - Sunday
I finally told John what I’ve been thinking about. I told him that I was planning to give myself some time to think. At first, it was hard to explain. But I told him, Embryo is a class of friends. I’ll never let go of the friends. But I can’t keep up with the title right now. I’m not saying goodbye to the friendship. I’m merely saying I can’t always be there at every occasion. And then I told him the truth that’s been destroying me these past weeks. Mama has been showing symptoms of a dreadful illness.
We don’t have the money to consult a doctor.
The Lord is my strength. My friends are my inspiration. Without them, I don’t know if I’d still be as hopeful as I am today. I swore before that I’d never leave them. And I’m keeping my promise till the end. Only I can’t be expected to be present at every meeting, every birthday. He understood.
I knew I could count on Kitkat to be open-minded. I hope the others would be just as well.
November 9, 2001 - Friday
...He’s gone...
October 23, 2001 - Tuesday
What is the true measure of a man’s love for God? Where do I belong? Who decides what is right and what is wrong? Our conscience? But does our conscience really always tell us the right thing to do?
The undersides of my eyeballs have turned a strange shade of yellow and because of this, I’ve decided to make an extra effort to overcome my insomnia.
I am humbled by the much truth I know. Every time I laugh I can feel a growing emptiness inside me. The happiness doesn't reach my soul. But when I met Embryo, things changed. Suddenly there was hope for me to be really happy. They lifted me up. And life began to have a different meaning.
I gave Mom all the comfort I could give when we were talking, not once shedding a tear...because if I tremble, she will fall. And if I fall, we would both fail. Weakness is not an option for our survival. But I’m only human.
I’ve managed to ease my mind from dwelling in the past. But when the past itself creeps up to me, I can’t help but look for comfort time cannot provide.
Random Thoughts
I’ve been texting Der and Ten. I gathered the strength to tell Der how I’ve noticed that she’s changed a little. I guess I’m just missing the Der that I know. Kitkat texted me...and I’m glad that she’s feeling better. I was getting worried because for the past few days I didn’t know how to break through her sadness and give her comfort. But I’m glad that she’s a bit ok. I only wish I can do something to help besides pray.
October 24, 2001 - Wednesday
I am currently clueless. I have no idea how to tell Dianne that I would go with them tomorrow to ATC. I have no idea how to tell Der that I missed her calls because my phone was in silent mode since I was editing my novel. I have no idea how to tell Ten and Der that it’s okay if they want to re-schedule our Animé trip.
Just a while ago I was texting Calai. We were talking about HP the movie. And then all of a sudden, the annoying message pops up.
Check Operator Services.
Geez.
Anyway, the opportunity presented itself so instead of waiting for Saturday to arrive (I’d be dropping this diskette at Kitkat’s house); I’ll just ask them if they could give this to Kitkat. Hopefully, the gimik’s still on. Otherwise...
As I begin to ponder what I should do, if I should go out and enjoy tomorrow with my friends...I thought maybe I do deserve a pinch of happiness.
November 2, 2001 - Friday
Later: I feel compelled to write here every time I don’t have anyone to talk to. When I’m finished writing my thoughts and emotions, it helps that I'm able to reflect on life as a whole. But right now...I'm clueless. I wish I could sleep during the night, free from badgering, worthless thoughts. I saw something on TV the other day about gothic lifestyle. Hmm. I guess I’m a semi-gothic person.
Now I understand why Carla used to think there’s something gothic about me. Ten texted me a while ago to tell me that our CCS bonding has been postponed. Later, she texted me again, telling me that our rendezvous is still on. It made me smile.
I haven’t bought a gift for Papu yet. Sad to say, I haven’t bought John a gift either. I plan to surprise him with a hardbound copy of Odes to Common Things by Pablo Neruda. I’ve even planned on how to wrap it and stuff. I hope he’ll like it.
Rica just sent me a simple message but it really brightened up my night.
‘Sumipot ka bukas ha!’
My friends are real treasures…
November 3, 2001 - Saturday
I’m going to Ten’s house today, then we’re going to Papu’s house *Sigh* I can’t wait...
God knows I need a break from my conscience.
Later
I had fun with Ten and Der during our CCS bonding. We enjoyed laughing at Touya and Yukito’s weird relationship and giggling at Sakura and Shaoran’s cute one. But we didn’t watch Movie 2 anymore because if we did, we would be late for Papu’s party. The party was incredible. Almost everyone was present. We enjoyed teasing Papu. Our strolls outside were wonderful. Calai was there...and Rica was there! (Er…I’m beginning to sound like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz...)
I enjoyed talking to Calai. She has become wholly immersed in Tolkien’s world and has left me far behind but our talks were comforting and soon, I felt like I had grazed the lands myself. I also talked to Rica and Apple...and everyone! I especially enjoyed teasing Rica about the changes she’s gone through. Seems to me she’s become different...hmm...more lady-like. But when I heard her curse...I was more than happy to know that she’s still her normal self. Hehe.
Keng was there (I felt shy when I saw her because I wasn’t able to attend the rendezvous at her place but it was sweet of her to understand). Dawn was there (the last time I saw her was when we had our Grad Ball) and Eloi, of course, was a dear. Dianne was also there. And Chantz!
Ivan, as usual, wasn’t there. I’d be surprised if he even appears at one of the parties someday. John arrived with Nanette.
Ever since I wasn’t able to enroll at UST, I felt like my life suddenly lost direction. I forgot where I started and couldn’t remember what I’ve planned for the end.
November 7, 2001 - Wednesday
Dad told me over my cell phone that he’s the businessman of the month. Good job! I think he deserves it. I’m happy for him. Things are okay here. I’m working on another novel. I hope it’s okay. It’s the nearest imitation of a life lived.
I’m restless...
Reading Book 3, HP.
November 8, 2001 - Thursday
I had this sort of premonition last night that I’d have a nightmare. Sure enough, I had one. The worst nightmare I’ve ever had. Geez.
I’ve been watching the news. They still haven’t figured out who killed Nida Blanca. The conscience gives a worse trial compared to justice in this empty life.
I also learned that Michael Jackson’s latest album, Invincible, is at the top of the US charts. Too bad it isn’t out here yet. Or, is it?
Raining pretty hard here *Shiver*
Later
Kitkat just informed me that she has finished reading my files. I’m extremely grateful for the time she took to read. My life’s not any different from the life others live. The primary reason why I’ve decided to keep a record of it is because I feel like there would come a time wherein I would forget everything.
When I read this in the future, I wouldn’t be the only one who will remember...they’d remember, too. When my soul dies out like a candle, tears would be unwanted.
I’ve already been made immortal in their souls.
Kitkat’s message was simply moving…
“I jst fnishd reading EVERYTHING! Word 4 word, immersed in evry idea… nd here’s wat I’v 2 say…
f d world dd nt poses a soul dt hs ur depth nd ur wisdm, lyf wud unquestnbly b dull. dnt think of urslf unworthy of luv 4 u r 1 of d rarest hu dservs it d most”
I’m truly, utterly gratified...If the Lord gave me this talent of expression, I would say I am not rare just because of this talent. I am rare because I have the most beautiful people in the world as friends and family.
I knew I could count on Kitkat to be open-minded. I hope the others would be just as well.
November 9, 2001 - Friday
Papu’s text message:
“2 happy lovers make one bread, a single moondrop n d grass. walkng, they cast 2 shadows dt flow 2gedr. waking, they leave 1 sun empty in their bed.” –neruda
Der just called about the journal. I think she’s been trying to call me since last night. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to answer my phone because I set it in silent mode, something I always do whenever I write.
Anyway, I’m very glad that we were able to talk today. But she sounded like...
*Sigh* I just don’t want her to be sad...
I want everyone to know that although hope seems bleak, the end’s always worth every pain. I’m a living proof of what extreme optimism can do...my faith in God has kept me alive. He works through my family and friends...
November 12, 2001 - Monday
Mama and I went to Powerbooks to buy The Lord of the Rings. The three books were costly but as I held them in my hands, I softly said to myself, “Merry Christmas.” It made me feel better.
Powerbooks is simply fascinating. If ever the time comes when I’ll have my own house, I’d want it to look like an extremely cozy library.
God knows every single centavo I spend on every book is as precious as a drop of blood. That’s why every book I have has a sentimental value.
I made plans for HP the movie. It’s supposed to be on Saturday, Nov 24, 1:30-2:00PM at ATC.
November 13, 2001 - Tuesday
Dad’s eldest brother, Tito Erning, just passed away...
He got run over by a passenger jeep...
November 14, 2001 - Wednesday
We went to Sta. Ana last night. I just didn’t know what to do. I kept thinking the same thought over and over again. He didn’t deserve to die this way. I didn’t look at his face.
It’s because my last memory of him was when we were visiting my Grandfather’s grave at Libingan ng mga Bayani. It was an endearing memory of him actually because he fell asleep and his hands were poised above his chest somewhat creating an impression like he was playing the piano in his dreams. I didn’t want to look at his body because it’s not him anymore...
If I look, I won’t be seeing my uncle’s face. I wouldn’t glimpse a familiar smile... It simply wouldn’t be him...
...He’s gone...
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