God determines various ways on how to respond to prayers through events and people. His methods never cease to amaze me. May the people who help us continue through hardships be blessed tenfold.
Back to journeying in the past...
October 11, 2001 - Thursday
I just went out to see the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen in my entire life. Its beauty is beyond words. I couldn't stop sighing. Then as I was going back into the dark corner of our little flat, I realized that the people of Tenement were gazing at the same vibrant sky...
For the helpless people who reside here...driven to early death by poverty...for the children who witness all worldly evils...for the parents of these children who suffer twice as much...over the pain of not being able to provide the best for them...there was something to look up at today. Everyday is a day for new trials and sacrifices. But at the end of this day...the splendor of the heavenly bridge was more than enough consolation.
Later
I love the idea of darkness. Darkness is beautiful when adorned by light.
October 12, 2001 - Friday
We've been worried about our relatives in the US. It's been two weeks and Aunt Linda and my cousin, Maria, have not ceased crying. They said images of decapitated bodies of children have been all over their TV. No words... What is the world coming to...?
October 13, 2001 - Saturday
My friends met up awhile ago at Caffé. I have drifted away from them. Over the years, the distance between us grew and I did nothing to stop it. They're my friends...but I don't want to pass my burden on their shoulders...
More
Music is serenade to the soul. Honesty of beautifully-sewn words, I love music.
October 14, 2001 -Sunday
Nothing really happened today. I wrote Aunt Linda a letter as soon as I woke up. Mom’s kidney’s been acting up so I told her to just rest but she wouldn’t listen. When afternoon came, she finally rested on our shared sleeping bag, clutching her tummy.
I was watching TV and made some remark about Paulo Bediones when she lost her temper, snapped at me and stormed outside, carrying her pack of cigarettes.
I don't even know where that came from...
October 15, 2001 - Monday
Things are better now. We’re talking again. Mom used to openly declare that I’m an unpredictable child. But now, I’ve realized, that she’s as unpredictable as I am. When she went in after smoking yesterday, she was in such a good mood as if she never snapped at me before she went out.
I can’t put my finger on it. Is it about women or is it about getting old? Or...is it both?
*Shudder*
Lately I've been finding it hard to sleep at night. Only when the sun's bright in the sky can I truly sleep for a considerable time.
My friends texted me. I was really moved by their messages. But there’s really nothing I can do to cross the distance. And besides, college is different. It’s both a nice and lousy change.
The papers for the educational benefits are almost ready. All we need is a certification from NSO. Now, here's the conflict. Mom hasn’t had time lately that’s why they’re somewhat frozen for now. Now if they can’t be processed in time, I really won’t be able to enroll. I used the funds Dad sent me in paying bills and providing food and water. I couldn’t stand around, doing nothing while my family (including Aunt D. and my pregnant cousin) slowly starve. Mom says we’ll find a way to raise the money again. I hope the Lord will help us, too, because even if we try our best, nothing will bear fruit without His blessing, right?
Things seem considerably more tolerable if I live one day at a time.
Anyway, Sir A. texted me last night and we talked about what he's been up to lately. He told me about the treatment he’s been getting because of the chorale performance. I told him that there was nothing to worry about in the first place because the chorale’s got him. He said, ‘Thanks for the vote of confidence. There’s a theatre group that’s looking for a female lead. Interested?’
As I was racking my brain because I wanted to say yes right away...I remembered my limitations. So I just told him I’d try but I wasn’t sure...
October 16, 2001 - Tuesday
I saw this article in the newspaper about the ‘Indigo Children’ or ‘The Children of the Light’ (see Silvering of Mirrors). It’s interesting. Although I know that, like everyone else in the world, I have to serve my purpose...I can’t help but think who the real Children of the Light are.
Tomorrow, my friends and I are watching RENT. I had trouble gathering information about certain things but things eventually worked out. I’m also having lunch with Ate tomorrow at Cecille’s. We’ll finally see each other after such a long time.
He won't be watching RENT. Sigh...
October 18, 2001 - Thursday
I woke up knowing that the letter wouldn’t be successful if the Lord didn’t bless it to touch hearts.
I went to Festival Mall to meet my two Ate's. Things went well. Lunch was nice. They gave me birthday presents. Two Parker pens and a birthday card.
I was feeling okay. We parted ways after I handed my letter. Then Mama and I bought Nicholas Sparks’s The Rescue. After that I went to Signorina’s house. Choco was standing right outside and after waiting for a few seconds, we went in. But I didn’t mind waiting outside. I would have preferred standing outside. I guess it’s because I feel like a stranger. Not because I don't join the email thread...
It’s because I’ve become someone else...someone different from them.
We watched RENT. I loved it. It was everything I hoped it would be. I was even singing along when they started doing Seasons of Love. It was great! It was such an inspiration, Jonathan Larson is such a brilliant man.
Before going to RENT, I mentioned one of us and how she had been feeling somewhat out of place. Signorina explained that she made herself out of place by not coming when we have meet-ups and gatherings.
In my core, I suddenly wondered if it was my fault that I feel so different from them. Throughout the show, I kept wondering and as we said our goodbyes, I walked away knowing in my heart the answer was yes. I’m letting the distance between us make me feel unwanted. I wanted to cry when I saw them...because of a piercing longing for a family I love so much. But I wasn’t brave enough to show I was hurting.
I’m drifting away. As time goes by, the steps my feet are treading no longer follow the road they're taking. Only God knows where the steps lead.
I just feel like we’re at the opposite curves of a circle. We’ll travel till we find each other again. But as I suffer now from this misery of missing forty people, I will let the memories kindle the dying flame in my heart.
The stars in their majestic beauty and serene light have not noticed Gaia, their one true admirer endlessly feeding upon their sparkle to keep herself warm from the cold.
As I watched RENT, I risked my life again. I’m sitting here, listening to my thoughts and melodies that play them. If there's something good that comes of seclusion, it's the fact that it makes oneself even more open-minded.
I can’t always be around the people I love...
...But the love I have for them will always be with me.
5th REALIZATION
Excess
Thank you all for such a wonderful day.
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