...
...
April 7, 2001 - Saturday
I’ve just finished having my friends’ films developed. I have about a hundred photos of Embryo. Can’t wait to make the scrapbook. I'm reminiscing February 14, 2001. I remember everyone was stressed that day. We were all nervous because we all wanted to make a difference... But as everything slowly fell into place, we knew we were really doing something worth our sweat, blood and tears. I miss everyone...
I’ve just finished having my friends’ films developed. I have about a hundred photos of Embryo. Can’t wait to make the scrapbook. I'm reminiscing February 14, 2001. I remember everyone was stressed that day. We were all nervous because we all wanted to make a difference... But as everything slowly fell into place, we knew we were really doing something worth our sweat, blood and tears. I miss everyone...
April 10, 2001 - Tuesday
I haven’t been myself lately. I honestly admit that the last few days of writing in my journal, my mind was wandering elsewhere. The moon’s been eerie lately. It’s more red than yellow. Empty sky. Devoid of both stars and clouds. Reckon it’s also one of the reasons why I’ve been feeling empty as well. I went to the Seton Notes office because we had a meeting. A friend called him. He’s been there all this time, saying he’s going to Burma next week. Hmmm.
Random Thoughts
I wasn't feeling anything awhile ago. But now, familiar pain is stabbing my heart. I want to escape from the stress. Confusion. To ponder on seclusion... What is it about me that's so difficult to love? I’m embracing the pain because when I’ve absorbed all of it, I’d be too numb to feel the hurting.
Loneliness. Darkness. Numbing pain. Tears. Silence. Candle. Zephyr. Night. Eyes that speak. Broken. Tattered Soul. Passion. Love. Searching. Lost. Fire. Death. Immortality.
Sometimes I think it’s better to love you from afar. Then I would be able to protect you from the pain that I’m capable of inflicting.
April 11, 2001 - Wednesday
We went to Lola’s place today at Cavite. I love the No Me Ames video.
April 13, 2001 - Friday
I am here with Mom and Mama at Tito Doc's place. Everything is well except that I have colds. I watched some movies like They Nest, Rush Hour, Gorgeous, Hollow Man, etc.
My Ex texted me yesterday and it made me feel worse. I sent him this text message.
Random Thoughts
I wasn't feeling anything awhile ago. But now, familiar pain is stabbing my heart. I want to escape from the stress. Confusion. To ponder on seclusion... What is it about me that's so difficult to love? I’m embracing the pain because when I’ve absorbed all of it, I’d be too numb to feel the hurting.
Loneliness. Darkness. Numbing pain. Tears. Silence. Candle. Zephyr. Night. Eyes that speak. Broken. Tattered Soul. Passion. Love. Searching. Lost. Fire. Death. Immortality.
Sometimes I think it’s better to love you from afar. Then I would be able to protect you from the pain that I’m capable of inflicting.
April 11, 2001 - Wednesday
We went to Lola’s place today at Cavite. I love the No Me Ames video.
April 13, 2001 - Friday
I am here with Mom and Mama at Tito Doc's place. Everything is well except that I have colds. I watched some movies like They Nest, Rush Hour, Gorgeous, Hollow Man, etc.
My Ex texted me yesterday and it made me feel worse. I sent him this text message.
‘If you’re wondering why I’m grouchy, it’s because I’m going through the hardest time of my life right now. And I just came to realize that friends are not real friends until they prove they are friends when it really counts.’ I asked Choco if it was too harsh and she said that it was just right, at least he’s aware of how I feel. Then she sent me this text message.
‘Don’t worry, we love you and let that be enuf.’
Her message was short but it really hit home. I don’t know if I can ever thank them, Embryology, enough for their loyalty and friendship. I was lost and now, am found.
April 14, 2001 - Saturday
Today was a particularly freaky day. I woke up around 8:30 AM, feeling better than I had been feeling for the past few days. The medicine did its job. My mom is still in agony. Her kidney has been bothering her a lot lately. And she’s been freaking me out by saying all kinds of last wishes like she wants to be cremated, no 40 days, no 9 days. She said she doesn’t want large wreaths or whatever adorning her. She said she wouldn’t be able to appreciate them anymore. She told me to be strong and to handle things with an iron heart and that she puts everything in my hands. It was very unnerving. I don’t think she should say things like that because I know she’s going to be fine. She doesn’t want me to wear black and doesn’t want me to cry. She said I should be happy when she passes away because by then her woes are all over. Sigh.
April 15, 2001 - Sunday
We’ve just returned from Tito Doc's place at Sta. Mesa and now at Kuya's place at Las Piñas. I’m feeling a lot better. I've just received Choco's e-mail. JM’s left for the States. I’ve also finished plotting the layout for the scrapbook. Watching Jesus Christ Superstar. Great music! Powerful story!
Someday, I’d be able to collect all the Jackie Chan movies. And all the Broadway soundtracks. And all the books I’ve been longing to read.
April 17, 2001 - Tuesday
I’ve received the worst news last night. I'm on a waiting list for Communication Arts since all the slots have been taken up. So I had to shift to Behavioral Science, which I don’t have any interest in. Does this mean that I’ll stop for a while and resume when the right time comes? What is God’s plan...?
April 18, 2001 - Wednesday
I went to SM today with Choco. We watched Sweet November. The movie was good and so were Keanu’s lines but his facial expression wasn't able to convince me about how the character felt. I’m very confused. I have to make the right choice at this crucial time in my life. It’s going to be very difficult because I’m choosing between taking a course I’m not fit for or waiting around for the next opportunity to take the course I know I can be good at. I wish I could attend special classes in the meantime.
What makes choosing difficult is the fact that we don’t really know what the end will be like. I don’t want to live these years of my life and finally in the future, look back and realize that I’ve made a wrong turn somewhere. I don’t want to live my life in regret. I do hope that God will see me through. I hope He’ll give some sign as to where I can better serve my purpose in accordance with His plan.
April 19, 2001 - Thursday
10:12 PM
I’m alone in the room, thinking of inspiring words to write in the scrapbook. But my mind’s become blank. Like I never studied. Because I can’t think of a single bloody word. I think it’s because I feel empty inside.
April 25, 2001 - Wednesday
I went to Caffé to meet with Embryo because Mom and I would soon be moving to Taguig so it was sort of like a Farewell Party. It felt more like bonding than goodbye. Poet made me feel whole. We talked the entire night. Not even a goodbye from him.
April 26, 2001 - Thursday
Practice of the Wedding Singers. I can’t seem to stop thinking. Cussing Nurse enrolled today (so did some of our other friends etc.). Cussing Nurse said she saw him. He said he’s been busy, has no load and wasn’t aware that I was moving.
April 27, 2001 - Friday
Practice of the Wedding Singers. I was late. We’re starting to sound good. I had goose bumps when we were singing Ikaw. Buffy flattered me by saying I was good. In dancing, singing and acting. The music filled an empty space inside me.
May 1, 2001 - Tuesday
It’s Labor Day today. But it’s also a sad day. It was heartbreaking, seeing people fight against one another. Man is law unto himself. He will strive to do what he thinks is just even if he comes across the most difficult of obstacles to obtain it...
Lord. Save your people...
May 3, 2001 - Thursday
We were moving our things yesterday. But we weren’t allowed to leave the village. Because we weren’t aware of the policy of getting a signature from the president of the homeowners and the head of the security office when you're bringing your OWN things outside. We went through the trouble of loading everything into a 12-seater passenger jeep only to remove everything again. Geez.
‘Don’t worry, we love you and let that be enuf.’
Her message was short but it really hit home. I don’t know if I can ever thank them, Embryology, enough for their loyalty and friendship. I was lost and now, am found.
April 14, 2001 - Saturday
Today was a particularly freaky day. I woke up around 8:30 AM, feeling better than I had been feeling for the past few days. The medicine did its job. My mom is still in agony. Her kidney has been bothering her a lot lately. And she’s been freaking me out by saying all kinds of last wishes like she wants to be cremated, no 40 days, no 9 days. She said she doesn’t want large wreaths or whatever adorning her. She said she wouldn’t be able to appreciate them anymore. She told me to be strong and to handle things with an iron heart and that she puts everything in my hands. It was very unnerving. I don’t think she should say things like that because I know she’s going to be fine. She doesn’t want me to wear black and doesn’t want me to cry. She said I should be happy when she passes away because by then her woes are all over. Sigh.
April 15, 2001 - Sunday
We’ve just returned from Tito Doc's place at Sta. Mesa and now at Kuya's place at Las Piñas. I’m feeling a lot better. I've just received Choco's e-mail. JM’s left for the States. I’ve also finished plotting the layout for the scrapbook. Watching Jesus Christ Superstar. Great music! Powerful story!
Someday, I’d be able to collect all the Jackie Chan movies. And all the Broadway soundtracks. And all the books I’ve been longing to read.
April 17, 2001 - Tuesday
I’ve received the worst news last night. I'm on a waiting list for Communication Arts since all the slots have been taken up. So I had to shift to Behavioral Science, which I don’t have any interest in. Does this mean that I’ll stop for a while and resume when the right time comes? What is God’s plan...?
April 18, 2001 - Wednesday
I went to SM today with Choco. We watched Sweet November. The movie was good and so were Keanu’s lines but his facial expression wasn't able to convince me about how the character felt. I’m very confused. I have to make the right choice at this crucial time in my life. It’s going to be very difficult because I’m choosing between taking a course I’m not fit for or waiting around for the next opportunity to take the course I know I can be good at. I wish I could attend special classes in the meantime.
What makes choosing difficult is the fact that we don’t really know what the end will be like. I don’t want to live these years of my life and finally in the future, look back and realize that I’ve made a wrong turn somewhere. I don’t want to live my life in regret. I do hope that God will see me through. I hope He’ll give some sign as to where I can better serve my purpose in accordance with His plan.
April 19, 2001 - Thursday
10:12 PM
I’m alone in the room, thinking of inspiring words to write in the scrapbook. But my mind’s become blank. Like I never studied. Because I can’t think of a single bloody word. I think it’s because I feel empty inside.
April 25, 2001 - Wednesday
I went to Caffé to meet with Embryo because Mom and I would soon be moving to Taguig so it was sort of like a Farewell Party. It felt more like bonding than goodbye. Poet made me feel whole. We talked the entire night. Not even a goodbye from him.
April 26, 2001 - Thursday
Practice of the Wedding Singers. I can’t seem to stop thinking. Cussing Nurse enrolled today (so did some of our other friends etc.). Cussing Nurse said she saw him. He said he’s been busy, has no load and wasn’t aware that I was moving.
April 27, 2001 - Friday
Practice of the Wedding Singers. I was late. We’re starting to sound good. I had goose bumps when we were singing Ikaw. Buffy flattered me by saying I was good. In dancing, singing and acting. The music filled an empty space inside me.
May 1, 2001 - Tuesday
It’s Labor Day today. But it’s also a sad day. It was heartbreaking, seeing people fight against one another. Man is law unto himself. He will strive to do what he thinks is just even if he comes across the most difficult of obstacles to obtain it...
Lord. Save your people...
May 3, 2001 - Thursday
We were moving our things yesterday. But we weren’t allowed to leave the village. Because we weren’t aware of the policy of getting a signature from the president of the homeowners and the head of the security office when you're bringing your OWN things outside. We went through the trouble of loading everything into a 12-seater passenger jeep only to remove everything again. Geez.
We arrived at Taguig with only a few clothes and saw Aunt D scolding Ate A. Ate A had been crying. She locked herself in the CR. Aunt D seems cold to us but it doesn’t matter. I don’t know how else we can progress from this kind of life when we have the wrong attitude. Things are very confusing. I wish I could take a vacation. And read as much as I want. And play as much as I want.
I wish I could talk to Michael Jackson for inspiration.
May 4, 2001 - Friday
I spent the entire afternoon playing tong-its with my relatives. I tried writing a letter to her. Somehow everything I wanted to say disappeared because of the sudden demise of my brain cells. Like I have so much to say but nothing to tell.I’m getting very frustrated. I have to keep busy, keep doing something. Otherwise when I let a second fleet without doing anything, thoughts of him linger in my mind. Causing a discomforting ache in my heart...which I’m dying inwardly from.
May 5, 2001 - Saturday
Reflection. What do I normally see when I look into the mirror...? I see thousands of images. But I can’t find my own. Perhaps it’s because I’ve always struggled to be an eye’s delight for many years. Striving to be what they want. But not satisying what they want. Therefore, in the process of finding companions, I’ve worn so many masks. ‘People don’t trust what they can’t explain...’ I grew up as a teacher to my own soul. My spirit has a life of its own. I’ve searched for the happiness complexity lacks. I’m happy with my dog, Mico, whom I left at Las Piñas under the care of the owner of the house we used to rent. I’m happy with beautiful mornings, breathtaking nights and still dawns. I’m happy with the fulfillment that overcomes my solitude, fulfillment brought by the simplest symphony. I’m happy with the artistic, passionate words strung together to make a story that befalls an aching heart. I’m facing this trial even though I took no part of its beginning. I don’t look back because I won’t see anything good. I haven’t lived my life yet. I’m living theirs. Because I’m being their child, the child of my beloved parents and the child of my estranged relatives. Poet, being in a similar situation, and I, have a choice to leave and start our individual lives, making our own decisions, dealing with our own problems. Problems we can make for ourselves because of the desire to feel satisfied in making the right solutions. I’m standing by because I need to. Because I want to.
I wish I could talk to Michael Jackson for inspiration.
May 4, 2001 - Friday
I spent the entire afternoon playing tong-its with my relatives. I tried writing a letter to her. Somehow everything I wanted to say disappeared because of the sudden demise of my brain cells. Like I have so much to say but nothing to tell.I’m getting very frustrated. I have to keep busy, keep doing something. Otherwise when I let a second fleet without doing anything, thoughts of him linger in my mind. Causing a discomforting ache in my heart...which I’m dying inwardly from.
May 5, 2001 - Saturday
Reflection. What do I normally see when I look into the mirror...? I see thousands of images. But I can’t find my own. Perhaps it’s because I’ve always struggled to be an eye’s delight for many years. Striving to be what they want. But not satisying what they want. Therefore, in the process of finding companions, I’ve worn so many masks. ‘People don’t trust what they can’t explain...’ I grew up as a teacher to my own soul. My spirit has a life of its own. I’ve searched for the happiness complexity lacks. I’m happy with my dog, Mico, whom I left at Las Piñas under the care of the owner of the house we used to rent. I’m happy with beautiful mornings, breathtaking nights and still dawns. I’m happy with the fulfillment that overcomes my solitude, fulfillment brought by the simplest symphony. I’m happy with the artistic, passionate words strung together to make a story that befalls an aching heart. I’m facing this trial even though I took no part of its beginning. I don’t look back because I won’t see anything good. I haven’t lived my life yet. I’m living theirs. Because I’m being their child, the child of my beloved parents and the child of my estranged relatives. Poet, being in a similar situation, and I, have a choice to leave and start our individual lives, making our own decisions, dealing with our own problems. Problems we can make for ourselves because of the desire to feel satisfied in making the right solutions. I’m standing by because I need to. Because I want to.
No comments:
Post a Comment