I'm still up though, blogging, when I'm supposed to be creating 20 paragraphs, each with its own set of answers on what the main idea/topic of each paragraph is. I'm still up, blogging, when I should be resting for an early day tomorrow. Am I gypsy? A Bohemian? I feel restless... I just want to keep writing...
...
May 7, 2001 - Monday
There are so many things I’ve realized. Ever noticed how the personalities of cars can be read through their headlights? Not the brightness of the beam but by the position of the lights. That’s why some cars look stupid, others sexy, others smart and others cute. Then when you look at their rear lights during heavy traffic at night, they look like they all share a wicked conspiracy...like they exist in a twilight zone of their own.
Because their lights all look like red gleaming eyes. Be they smart, sexy, funny...they all look like they’re plain mad.
Or maybe I’m mad.
I’ve been noticing the slightest thing of no importance.
Just the other day, I've given Signorina the interpretation about a certain dream she had. I'm grateful that she trusted me. Someone once quoted Jock for saying I give good dream interpretations. It marvels me to find out they recognize me as being good at something.
We’re still here in 402, at Aunt D’s place sharing it with her two daughters. And already, we're not welcome. Imagine. We didn’t even last a week. I don’t care if we end up on the streets. What’s important is we find some peace of mind. I need space for venting. I need to find some kind of sanctuary within the walls of my imagination. Probably the lack of it is the reason why I’m completely out of coordination. In music, I find solace.
‘Send someone to love me. I need to rest in arms. Keep me safe from harm in the pouring rain. Give me endless summer. Lord, I feel the cold. Feel I’m getting old...before my time. Coz my soul...feels the shame. I will grow through this pain. Lord, I’m doing all I can...to be a better man.’
May 9, 2001 - Wednesday
Confirmation day today at UST. I didn’t get Communication Arts. Sir Aldryn hired Ex's GF for soprano in our ‘Wedding-Singers’ group. The world changes every minute. It rained while I was in a cab with Mom awhile ago. We came from Ate N’s and Kuya J’s place. They invited us over. Aunt J accompanied us. The lampposts were towering over us, as their light seemed a skyway for aircrafts. Glowing in the rain, there was something serene about them. And when the rain started pouring harder...the shadow the drops caused was like a gentle flowing waterfall upon the cab’s windows. Truly captivating.
Smoky-colored streets with filthy spit-covered pavements. The pungent odor of urine upon the walls of the corridor. Bits of wrappers and plastic littered all over the once-clean crossway. But to others, they are the dignified design of ages past. They are proof that plastic does not decompose. A reminder of the careless mistakes of their origin.
This is Tenement.
What’s the purpose of sacrifice? Is its cause always selfless? Love grows over time if the will is overpowered by feeling. True, sometimes we have to really let go of all feeling and take matters objectively. But when fiery passion gets ahold of us and a persistent force keeps pounding us what we feel is the right thing to do, the conscience cannot bear the weight of the burden. And we leap, oblivious of the fall.
Expression is not wit. It’s ventilation. The story goes on...
Oh. I almost forgot. I called him up. And for one flitting moment, nothing else in the whole world mattered.
May 10, 2001 - Thursday
Ate A, K and I went to a nearby mall. Sunshine Mall. It seemed okay. I’ve just finished watching Jackie Chan’s movie. The stunts were really good.
Lord knows I’m lonely. And when I tell someone that I am, their initial reaction would be to give me advices. It’s really not what I need...
I just need someone willing to share the truth with me...willing to share the truth that loneliness brings a person to the point that he forgets he’s alive and that there’s supposed to be a certain direction that he should be following in life.
From there I already gain comfort. At least I know someone has a vague idea of what I’m going through.
May 12, 2001 - Saturday
Last night was a very overwhelming one. Everyone was so nice and they were all happy...And I spent the night wondering. As choking gasping noises merge with the swirling mist and fog, one man’s mind floats through miles of endless longing. Only to find arms embracing no one. Doe-eyed texted him and asked him where he was. He said he was in Batangas. Realizations.
One man’s misery is another man’s joke. Alcohol can take you to a time travel. The soft ringing laughter caresses your battered soul. The more we disregard simplicity, the more logical it becomes. Sometimes I feel as though I’m being robbed of my personality. When good friends have things in common, things that bring them together, they should also have differences that set them apart.
It’s unfair to die before the end. It’s unfair to feel the spirit deteriorate before the body decays.
Wisps of woven windstrings caress the back of my mind where perception lies still. The rest is in a coma.
May 13, 2001 - Sunday
Everything around me is different. Like the world I was born in suddenly vanished and all that’s left is a big pile of dump. I’m slowly returning to my cold self. Like Voldemort. Empty. Not really evil...Just cold.
They complain about mistreatment. Mistrust brings havoc. This is preliminary hell. Sure enough, I don’t feel any lighter. Nobody owns me. I was made without the assurance that I could be owned, mind, soul and heart. Possession is the one thing that is impossible. The only thing that can really bind is devotion.
My heart is alive. Beating. But encased in a thick layer of ice, unyielding to the warmth normality brings. Because such normality...in this place...does not exist.
May 19, 2001 - Saturday
Days have passed. I haven’t had the strength to write what happened. Something very uncanny happened the other day. I was strumming LET IT BE on my guitar as I tried to recall the things I’ve done lately. I glanced at the clock and realized it was 2PM. Today was May 17. And then it struck me! I was supposed to enroll around 11AM!
When I asked my Mom, she sort of had this look, which translated simply to, good thing you forgot because unfortunately, we don’t have enough money for your enrollment, dear.
Mom suggested I attend Theatre School while I wait. And enroll in that with what? Sigh.
I didn’t panic. God meant for it to happen. Now I have time to make poems, novels, etc.
May 23, 2001 - Wednesday
I just woke up, ignorant of the time. I’ve made up my mind to wake up late. But I know it’s still early. The cold is slicing my bones and I’m aching all over.
Yesterday, we went to Camp Crame to process the educational benefit I could use from my Grandfather’s benefits from the war. I’m finally going to school through the use of benefits. I just don’t know when I will start. But all the same, I’ll continue to learn from the best and wisest teacher.
Experience.
Random Thoughts:
You Must Love Me Tim Rice/Andrew Lloyd Webber
Where do we go from here?
This isn’t where we intend it to be
We had it all...you believed in me...I believed in you.
Certainties disappear...
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive as we used to do?
Deep in my heart, I’m concealing things that I’m longing to say...
Scared to confess what I’m feeling...
Frightened you’d slip away...
You must love me...you must love me...
Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I’ll let you see how...
...Nothing has changed.
Deep in my heart, I’m concealing things that I’m longing to say...
Scared to confess what I’m feeling...
Frightened you’d slip away...
You must love me...you must love me...
You must...love me.
Oh, and we were robbed of 3 boxes. It was piled outside the flat when we noticed the pile was kind of lopsided. It paved the way for Aunt D and her kids to make up with Mom.
God works in mysterious ways.
May 24, 2001 - Thursday
I write better during the evening. Something in the stillness motivates me. Kisses empty but real, serenading the sweet moonlight into hiding. Swirling haze unveils the secrets only the ground holds, the blood that gushed through it told. Love comes as a mystery to all. Prevents one from conquer. Life is the sun’s overpowering beauty no one can behold. No one can see but the blind. Friend to all but never to yield for love. Never to be happy with
love. It is travesty so sweet and passion so pure. Raw hatred runs through the mind of one who’s been brave, but in finding the one, failed. Leaving the dancer alone with the enchantment of the night...the music of the twilight...the soft weeping of the moon with two faces. No wonder dreaming is a popular pastime. Because each is a king of his own realm, the ruler of his destiny. Change the world.
May 25, 2001 - Friday
Aunt D and Mom have really made up. Everything is okay again. Hopefully, it stays this way for the longest possible time before Mom gets picked on by the family again.
Random Thoughts
Depth. They said I had so much depth. Sometimes I even wonder if I do exist. In some twisted way, people like me exist. Someday, I’ll prove through expression...I not only exist. I am alive in my existence.
May 26, 2001 - Saturday
We sang at the San Agustin Church. It was a pretty good. And we earned some stash for it. So I bought food for Mom and the family. And I bought a book on how to speak Chinese.
May 27, 2001 - Sunday
This is the real world we’re living in. On the way to Intramuros, a street child tapped the window of the cab we were riding in. Leaning on the glass, I noticed that he was only around five or six years old. He was pleading. A
thousand thoughts occurred through my mind as I thought of what I would’ve done if only I had a little more than the cab fare.
“Sige na, te…palimos po. Pangkain lang po…”
There was a growing lump in my throat as I had the urge to get him off the street and help him live his life that way he’s supposed to be living. Playing. Eating. Studying. Living.
Someday I will have the chance to get all the children off the streets.
By the way, she's now in Egypt. Mom’s been devastated.
May 28, 2001 - Monday
I once read somewhere by the road I always travel on...
‘Ambition never comes to an end.’
May 29, 2001 - Tuesday
I said farewell to Embryo. For the time being. It just gets more and more difficult everyday to hear all those joyous stories and never being able to tell one of my own.
There are so many things I’ve realized. Ever noticed how the personalities of cars can be read through their headlights? Not the brightness of the beam but by the position of the lights. That’s why some cars look stupid, others sexy, others smart and others cute. Then when you look at their rear lights during heavy traffic at night, they look like they all share a wicked conspiracy...like they exist in a twilight zone of their own.
Because their lights all look like red gleaming eyes. Be they smart, sexy, funny...they all look like they’re plain mad.
Or maybe I’m mad.
I’ve been noticing the slightest thing of no importance.
Just the other day, I've given Signorina the interpretation about a certain dream she had. I'm grateful that she trusted me. Someone once quoted Jock for saying I give good dream interpretations. It marvels me to find out they recognize me as being good at something.
We’re still here in 402, at Aunt D’s place sharing it with her two daughters. And already, we're not welcome. Imagine. We didn’t even last a week. I don’t care if we end up on the streets. What’s important is we find some peace of mind. I need space for venting. I need to find some kind of sanctuary within the walls of my imagination. Probably the lack of it is the reason why I’m completely out of coordination. In music, I find solace.
‘Send someone to love me. I need to rest in arms. Keep me safe from harm in the pouring rain. Give me endless summer. Lord, I feel the cold. Feel I’m getting old...before my time. Coz my soul...feels the shame. I will grow through this pain. Lord, I’m doing all I can...to be a better man.’
May 9, 2001 - Wednesday
Confirmation day today at UST. I didn’t get Communication Arts. Sir Aldryn hired Ex's GF for soprano in our ‘Wedding-Singers’ group. The world changes every minute. It rained while I was in a cab with Mom awhile ago. We came from Ate N’s and Kuya J’s place. They invited us over. Aunt J accompanied us. The lampposts were towering over us, as their light seemed a skyway for aircrafts. Glowing in the rain, there was something serene about them. And when the rain started pouring harder...the shadow the drops caused was like a gentle flowing waterfall upon the cab’s windows. Truly captivating.
Smoky-colored streets with filthy spit-covered pavements. The pungent odor of urine upon the walls of the corridor. Bits of wrappers and plastic littered all over the once-clean crossway. But to others, they are the dignified design of ages past. They are proof that plastic does not decompose. A reminder of the careless mistakes of their origin.
This is Tenement.
What’s the purpose of sacrifice? Is its cause always selfless? Love grows over time if the will is overpowered by feeling. True, sometimes we have to really let go of all feeling and take matters objectively. But when fiery passion gets ahold of us and a persistent force keeps pounding us what we feel is the right thing to do, the conscience cannot bear the weight of the burden. And we leap, oblivious of the fall.
Expression is not wit. It’s ventilation. The story goes on...
Oh. I almost forgot. I called him up. And for one flitting moment, nothing else in the whole world mattered.
May 10, 2001 - Thursday
Ate A, K and I went to a nearby mall. Sunshine Mall. It seemed okay. I’ve just finished watching Jackie Chan’s movie. The stunts were really good.
Lord knows I’m lonely. And when I tell someone that I am, their initial reaction would be to give me advices. It’s really not what I need...
I just need someone willing to share the truth with me...willing to share the truth that loneliness brings a person to the point that he forgets he’s alive and that there’s supposed to be a certain direction that he should be following in life.
From there I already gain comfort. At least I know someone has a vague idea of what I’m going through.
May 12, 2001 - Saturday
Last night was a very overwhelming one. Everyone was so nice and they were all happy...And I spent the night wondering. As choking gasping noises merge with the swirling mist and fog, one man’s mind floats through miles of endless longing. Only to find arms embracing no one. Doe-eyed texted him and asked him where he was. He said he was in Batangas. Realizations.
One man’s misery is another man’s joke. Alcohol can take you to a time travel. The soft ringing laughter caresses your battered soul. The more we disregard simplicity, the more logical it becomes. Sometimes I feel as though I’m being robbed of my personality. When good friends have things in common, things that bring them together, they should also have differences that set them apart.
It’s unfair to die before the end. It’s unfair to feel the spirit deteriorate before the body decays.
Wisps of woven windstrings caress the back of my mind where perception lies still. The rest is in a coma.
May 13, 2001 - Sunday
Everything around me is different. Like the world I was born in suddenly vanished and all that’s left is a big pile of dump. I’m slowly returning to my cold self. Like Voldemort. Empty. Not really evil...Just cold.
They complain about mistreatment. Mistrust brings havoc. This is preliminary hell. Sure enough, I don’t feel any lighter. Nobody owns me. I was made without the assurance that I could be owned, mind, soul and heart. Possession is the one thing that is impossible. The only thing that can really bind is devotion.
My heart is alive. Beating. But encased in a thick layer of ice, unyielding to the warmth normality brings. Because such normality...in this place...does not exist.
May 19, 2001 - Saturday
Days have passed. I haven’t had the strength to write what happened. Something very uncanny happened the other day. I was strumming LET IT BE on my guitar as I tried to recall the things I’ve done lately. I glanced at the clock and realized it was 2PM. Today was May 17. And then it struck me! I was supposed to enroll around 11AM!
When I asked my Mom, she sort of had this look, which translated simply to, good thing you forgot because unfortunately, we don’t have enough money for your enrollment, dear.
Mom suggested I attend Theatre School while I wait. And enroll in that with what? Sigh.
I didn’t panic. God meant for it to happen. Now I have time to make poems, novels, etc.
May 23, 2001 - Wednesday
I just woke up, ignorant of the time. I’ve made up my mind to wake up late. But I know it’s still early. The cold is slicing my bones and I’m aching all over.
Yesterday, we went to Camp Crame to process the educational benefit I could use from my Grandfather’s benefits from the war. I’m finally going to school through the use of benefits. I just don’t know when I will start. But all the same, I’ll continue to learn from the best and wisest teacher.
Experience.
Random Thoughts:
You Must Love Me Tim Rice/Andrew Lloyd Webber
Where do we go from here?
This isn’t where we intend it to be
We had it all...you believed in me...I believed in you.
Certainties disappear...
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive as we used to do?
Deep in my heart, I’m concealing things that I’m longing to say...
Scared to confess what I’m feeling...
Frightened you’d slip away...
You must love me...you must love me...
Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I’ll let you see how...
...Nothing has changed.
Deep in my heart, I’m concealing things that I’m longing to say...
Scared to confess what I’m feeling...
Frightened you’d slip away...
You must love me...you must love me...
You must...love me.
Oh, and we were robbed of 3 boxes. It was piled outside the flat when we noticed the pile was kind of lopsided. It paved the way for Aunt D and her kids to make up with Mom.
God works in mysterious ways.
May 24, 2001 - Thursday
I write better during the evening. Something in the stillness motivates me. Kisses empty but real, serenading the sweet moonlight into hiding. Swirling haze unveils the secrets only the ground holds, the blood that gushed through it told. Love comes as a mystery to all. Prevents one from conquer. Life is the sun’s overpowering beauty no one can behold. No one can see but the blind. Friend to all but never to yield for love. Never to be happy with
love. It is travesty so sweet and passion so pure. Raw hatred runs through the mind of one who’s been brave, but in finding the one, failed. Leaving the dancer alone with the enchantment of the night...the music of the twilight...the soft weeping of the moon with two faces. No wonder dreaming is a popular pastime. Because each is a king of his own realm, the ruler of his destiny. Change the world.
May 25, 2001 - Friday
Aunt D and Mom have really made up. Everything is okay again. Hopefully, it stays this way for the longest possible time before Mom gets picked on by the family again.
Random Thoughts
Depth. They said I had so much depth. Sometimes I even wonder if I do exist. In some twisted way, people like me exist. Someday, I’ll prove through expression...I not only exist. I am alive in my existence.
May 26, 2001 - Saturday
We sang at the San Agustin Church. It was a pretty good. And we earned some stash for it. So I bought food for Mom and the family. And I bought a book on how to speak Chinese.
May 27, 2001 - Sunday
This is the real world we’re living in. On the way to Intramuros, a street child tapped the window of the cab we were riding in. Leaning on the glass, I noticed that he was only around five or six years old. He was pleading. A
thousand thoughts occurred through my mind as I thought of what I would’ve done if only I had a little more than the cab fare.
“Sige na, te…palimos po. Pangkain lang po…”
There was a growing lump in my throat as I had the urge to get him off the street and help him live his life that way he’s supposed to be living. Playing. Eating. Studying. Living.
Someday I will have the chance to get all the children off the streets.
By the way, she's now in Egypt. Mom’s been devastated.
May 28, 2001 - Monday
I once read somewhere by the road I always travel on...
‘Ambition never comes to an end.’
May 29, 2001 - Tuesday
I said farewell to Embryo. For the time being. It just gets more and more difficult everyday to hear all those joyous stories and never being able to tell one of my own.
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