I've repeatedly tried to put this off, always rationalizing that the day's full of activities ahead to allot even a few minutes time to blog on what been lingering on my mind.
They say, God is Word. I've practiced this since I encountered it July of this year (2010, in case you're reading this years after). When you think about God being the Word, you realize instantly that what you say is as good as done. Because God IS the word. It's the simplest act of love and faith. It's been what I've applied on my work and affected what I've achieved of my last quarterly EDP score, on my aspirations of being a freelance writer and choreographer, and being a single mother, able to successfully rear a child to become a man after God's own heart.
Yet sometimes, there are certain truths that come to life and no matter how hard we try to ignore them, they are begging to be acknowledged. So I did. With my mind, but not with my lips. I could agree that things were happening that were not under my control, but I never admitted them out loud.
Well, this entry is dedicated to that attempt. Foolish or brave in its core, I'm uncertain. All I know is that this is acknowledgment for what simply is.
Last Sunday, I went to Victory Church. The enemy definitely made himself palpable from Sunday morning up until I successfully finished the service. I got up, waited for my cousin and her boyfriend to wake up, and when they did, I told them I was going to Victory. You're probably thinking, what's so special about that idea? It's as common as people going to church every Sunday. Well, it was extraordinary. Because for the longest time since I left my previous job, I have neglected going to any church, or temple, or any places of worship. It was not because I defied Him. I didn't go because I was ashamed.
So many ups and downs have happened, and He's been true to His word, that He's the Living God. And yet here I was, still feeling lost and small and insignificant in the great currents of life. I found small pieces of happiness and I pursued them, if it means saving my life, extending it a bit more to have a better grasp at things. I would travel for hours, looking for love and acceptance, for a world outside my world that might see me differently, and the worst part of it is, He's been with me the entire time. It only me who's neglected to converse again with Him.
So my cousin and her boyfriend said they couldn't go since they already attended service the day before. That meant I had to go alone. I didn't mind. I was determined. I got ready and rode the jeep without confirming the destination it's bound for. When it stopped in front of SM Bacoor instead of going straight to Zapote, I realized I definitely had a challenger up in my face. So I got off the jeep. And decided to walk to Victory, a good 30 minutes away, and offer the exercise as a simple act of love for Him.
I passed by so many people, so many vehicles, street children who knew ten times as many foul words as the average adult, beggars whose faces were gaunt with hunger, people who seemed covered in coal dust speaking with entities that couldn't be seen, homeless women carrying their infants in tattered clothes...and I wept inwardly. These people are of my own race. I am limited by my own status from helping them. And yet in their eyes, such strong resolve to continue. While here I was, teetering dangerously between life and death with every breath I take.
Victory soon appeared in front of me. I entered, feeling like a man having come from a desert that did not have an oasis, parched for God's word. I listened and was distracted every now and then, but the service was beautiful, the worship ten times as fulfilling for my personal need to praise and thank Him.
I did it. I reached Victory.
...
Peachy if the story ended there.
But it goes on. Being a jobless, single mom with mountains of challenges to overcome on her own on top of trying to constantly put food on the table is no easy task. There's also mom to support. Hunger elongates the face but sharpens the senses. It shatters fantasies and makes you equipped to face life's greatest adversaries. God created this world, rich and teeming with resources, but we've put such a deranged value on everything that only the affluent can truly enjoy the "best" things in life. Or at least the "best man-made" things in life.
I'm a mother of two. My son, and my mom. I don't always have both love and money. But at the end of the day, I will always have faith. Just like what a good friend said once, "We've lived this long, Shai. There must be a reason we've lived this long." I can't trust myself to always make the best decisions or to come out on top. But I always will trust Him, the one who's truly in charge.
Friends of mine who have three children, who are separated, who have been physically, emotionally and psychologically abused, who are mothers trying to struggle along to provide the best kind of life for their young ones...we all are in the same circle. And they have earned my respect tenfold than some friends who have unfairly criticized them. A woman's strength might every now and then falter, but the One hand who made us all never will. And I have faith, that if He is strong for a young woman who is a responsibility all to herself, then He must be much stronger for women like us, with children formed out of love who deserve only the best in life, who would be raised to become men and women worthy of inheriting the earth as God's gift to their parents, and their parents before them.
So I acknowledge this entry as a confirmation. I confirm that I am submitting myself entirely to God's plans. I rest my worries and when they come again upon sunrise, I will fight all 1440 minutes to rest then once more.
In hope and faith and love, for my favorite passage below.
"For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is his name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back, as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit-a wife who married young, only to be rejected,' says your God. For a brief moment I abandoned you. But with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger, I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you,' says the Lord the Redeemer. To me this is like the days of Noah, when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth. So now I have sworn not to be angry with you, never to rebuke you again. Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you."
- Isaiah 54: 5-10
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