A Look Back: 2002 (Con’t) New Year

I have been too dependen lately. I don’t know what to do anymore. There’s no money at the house. Dad would be sending funds next week. For now, I have no idea how we can get by. I am neck-deep in debt. And it’s not healthy for the raving mind to keep thinking, I can’t provide. I can’t provide. I can’t provide. There’s no food. There’s no food. There’s no food. My son and mom would go hungry. My son and mom would go hungry. My son and mom would go hungry.

If only I were Katniss…

Nowhere to go but the past.

January 10, 2002 - Thursday

I feel…strange. I don’t want to write it down but I told Kitkat and while texting her, I remembered what she once told me. Better for one to suffer than both. As these words echoed in my head…I felt a faint throb of pain inside me.

In the depths of my soul…

…I’ve heard these words before.

Later

I’ve just received a text message from Outback Steakhouse. They want me to call them back for my interview. I told Dad about it because I didn’t want to work without his blessing. Sad to say, he didn’t approve. He didn’t tell me why and I did not feel the need to ask him. I just told him ‘I understand. I will no longer push through with it’. He told me ‘Thanks for understanding, I love you for that.’

January 14, 2002 - Monday

My computer experienced some problems for the past few weeks. I’ve only been able to use the computer again just now, thanks to Dad’s good friend. So much has happened since the last time I wrote here...I can’t remember every little detail…I try but it feels as if a cloud is hanging over my memory. Faces, words, places…they’re swimming in my head without definite form…

January 17, 2002 - Thursday

I lost my files…Thank God I made a duplicate. It’s with my friends.

I feel strange. Lately I’ve been dreaming the same dream. If not the same dream, the same thing…and the same person. I risked my whole self on a single letter and if it does not create a spark, I guess I’m really meant to be what I am now.

Rejection’s always been around me. It follows me around like a pest…or ironically speaking, like a loyal mongrel. I wouldn’t be surprised if my letter gets trashed like all others.

I feel so little. Like a single grain of rice against the forces of the universe. Life feels like an endless contest.

*Sigh*

I just want to be happy and contented but life is never that easy. I have to move forward, build dreams and attain ambitions because our needs and wants are hardly ever quenched. I’ve just taken another perilous journey.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes sleeping becomes very difficult. I lie uncomfortable. Eyes closed, my mind explores. So many images, blurred and clear, reminiscing words spoken to me in the past…dreaming of scenes I want to occur; enlightened by the realizations made at the end of the day…burdened by the frustrations of a defeated heart…

I try to sleep for such a long time that I begin to wonder if these images are in my head because my mind is exploring in full awareness…or maybe they are the dreams of one already asleep.

But when I open my eyes, I realize that two hours have passed by…

…Rest has not yet visited.

January 22, 2002 - Tuesday

Mom’s been helping solve a problem because she was called and asked to intervene.

January 23, 2002 - Wednesday

We went to the agency where Kuya Jojo works. I’ve become “Siga”, Kaye has become “Nuno” and Ate Abbie has become “Lamya”. Toink.

January 25, 2002 - Friday

It’s 6:24 AM.

The morning feels empty. Probably because there are no windows near to where I’m sitting, hindering me from seeing the beauty of the sky.

A couple of weeks ago, I tried to write a letter to someone who greatly interests me. But as bizarre as it sounds, something always delayed me from being able to send it. I won’t go into details but it took me three days before I was finally able to send it. My computer even broke down that’s why I wasn’t able to type and print.

Now that it’s on its way, I’ve been praying with all my heart to receive a reply.

Later

Aunt Josie reckons that I also want to go to Japan. I do want to as a character designer for Squaresoft.

Random Thoughts

I feel trapped...emotionally chained to feeling the same thing over and over again. I am at a loss for words. I don’t understand why I feel this way. I feel like I’ve so much to say, so much to explore, so much to find…yet the images in my mind sum up to this one world that I’ve been holding on for a long time. I’m living a fantasy. 

Because when I write I say things I feel deep inside. But when I begin to read what I wrote, it glows in front of my eyes like an ember of the past…an unreal image.

February 14, 2002 - Thursday

I’ve been asking Dad to send my allowance. His friend will be arriving tomorrow to fix the computer and I don’t have anything to offer him. But Dad said I should go to Tito Boy’s place in Cavite because he sent my allowance there…

*Sigh*

February 15, 2002 - Friday

Ate Kier, mama’s niece, is asking help from me with her book report. It’s an English novel made by a Filipino writer, F. Sionil Jose. I scanned the book a while ago and I have to admit, I think I’m going to enjoy it although I also have a feeling that it would be ‘challenging’ to comprehend.

February 23, 2002 - Saturday

*Sigh* It’s Apple’s debut party today at the Farm (I’ve seen the place last year). Two weeks ago, I was so caught up in preparing for her party. Now, I won’t be able to go because I’m still trying to recover from my illness.

 

Mom told me that she’s observed this about me. Every time I’m overly enthusiastic about something, I get sick. It’s only now that I’ve realized that what she said is true because during the year Michael Jackson visited the Philippines for his HIStory World Tour, I got sick, too.

I was watching the T.V. as the plane touched down. As he finally stepped out, I felt sick, all of a sudden…cold and dizzy. I went to my room to rest and when I didn’t join the family for dinner, Mom entered my room and took my temperature. A few minutes later, Mom confirmed (by the thermometer) that I had a slight fever. Jeez.

February 24, 2002 - Sunday

I’m having a rough time trying to answer the questions regarding the book Gagamba. They’re really confusing so I asked a friend for some help. I’m really lucky to have such a friend who’s willing to take some time off for me.

February 27, 2002 - Wednesday

I texted Rica yesterday and asked her to help me sort my papers in UST. It was very nice of her to agree. I’m more than delighted.

Everyday, as I wake up, I feel changed in some little way…like I’m improving on something. It’s difficult to explain.

Random Thoughts

Prevalent springtime fresh from the sun, jovial and loving…the little butterflies suddenly swimming down fragrant paths…accenting the humorous clouds…

March 3, 2002 - Sunday

I am very honored by what Ate Kier’s done. She gave me a book. It’s To Be Free by one of our own, Edilberto K. Tiempo. I helped her, expecting no reward except the fulfillment that comes from being able to be of use to someone, and she’s bestowed upon me an honor. I am really moved. To me, one of the most precious material gifts I can ever receive is a nice book. There is absolutely nothing like it. Just recently, I bought three, all by Anne Rice. The Witching Hour, Lasher and Taltos are all fantasy fiction books (and were all introduced by Carla, my very good friend) and my buying them proves my hunger for all forms of artful fantasy. Her works are very spellbinding.

Random Thoughts

I am currently involved in a powerful book, a great novel and a piece of art. At first glance, Les Misérables can abolish the very zest of hope for an early finish. But once you start to immerse in the complexity of the story, you feel as if it stirs the core of your soul…as if the book toys with your emotions and tests the foundations of your beliefs. I’ve read the foreword wherein some people think that Victor Hugo has made a great web of digression and added the story as an afterthought. But I think the digressions make the entire story more wonderful.

More

Ate Abbie has met this guy that she says is both very moving and scary at the same time. She showed me an example of his message on her phone and I was impressed with the way he stitched the words together. She said he’s a poet and that he’s sensitive to everything but his depth scares her. I told her only another sensitive romantic poet rivals his sensitivity (because she said he notices every object and interprets them) and I said he’s a bit like Pablo Neruda. She asked help from me to ask him to mellow down because he was becoming too emotional for her. And I told her if you want him to mellow down then just tell him flattery can get him everywhere but they should both lessen their being maudlin and start their friendship another way. Then I had second thoughts about it because it seemed too sharp. I told her to consider it but she said it was ok already. After a while, she said he did mellow down but she didn’t like it because it’s not that she didn’t like the guy, it’s her not liking relationships for the time being that’s restraining her from taking a chance. So I told her to talk to him and tell him how she really feels because he deserves to know the truth since he’s being completely truthful with her about how he feels. I told her that his being sensitive was praiseworthy in itself because if he wasn’t sensitive, he wouldn’t text her ‘Okay’ after her message…meaning that he’s being sensitive to her needs that’s why he has suddenly ‘hibernated’ in her cell phone. She texted him after a few hours, asking how he’s been. He answered with some lines from Tonight I Can Write.

March 6, 2002 - Wednesday

I slept early last night because today we would be going to UST to fix my papers. Kuya Pangga came over last night and brought the money that Tito Boy sent me, the same money I’ll be using for UST. I thanked him and after a while, he left with his friends. I played with Gian, my nephew, for a short while, read a couple of pages of Les Misérables, prayed and thanked the Lord, and finally got ready to sleep, quite eager for the following day. As soon as I fell asleep, I began to have nice and peaceful dreams, so nice and peaceful that I knew I wouldn’t be able to remember them when I wake up. Then in the middle of slumber, as if blending with my dreams, I heard a baby, crying and voices conversing, the urgency in their tones unmistakable.

I woke up. I saw Mom carrying Gian and the rest of the family huddled around them. He was crying but it didn’t sound like he was just hungry or he just couldn’t get to sleep. We were all worried. After Mom played with him by making noises while we sang Christmas carols at the top of our voices, he calmed down and we eased up. After chatting with my cousins, I excused myself and proceeded to our room. I tried to sleep again. I woke up five hours later and found Mom sleeping beside me. I woke her up and told her we must prepare early.

After saying my prayers and finishing up with morning rituals, my Mom and I got ready to go. Mama arrived and she accompanied us. We got there an hour early so I waited for Rica outside her building.

I didn’t take notice of the time so when Rica finally went out, it felt like only a minute had gone by when it was really an entire hour. We exchanged pleasantries and finally proceeded inside and up to the second floor to the registrar’s office. While waiting, she and I chatted about Embryo, about our other friends and their plans for the future and lastly, about Ivan. She started teasing me. I was indifferent, just shrugging her remarks off.

Finally, she made a joke, unaware that she had nailed the remark through me.

‘Lam mo, may naiibigan na nga yung iba eh…’

I shrugged, made an ugly face, said ‘I don’t care’ and turned my back on her while she, the Rica that she is, laughed with a reverberating glee…her peals echoing in my ears. On the other hand, my whole mind went blank.

I walked up to the registrar bearing an awkward mien and inquired. The registrar told me that I wouldn't be able to enter UST even if I passed last year because I wasn’t able to enroll and that meant that my slot had been forfeited. She said I should take an entrance exam again but they’d be holding them in September because the ones they were holding for the first semester were already closed. During this fascinating exchange of words, she explained everything to me with an air of pomposity that should’ve irritated me. But I just stood there, awkward, nodding as if I were a child, listening to the instructions of how to make a nuclear device.

I walked back to Rica and explained to her and we walked to the canteen where Mom and Mama would be waiting for me. She and I parted ways there and I walked towards Mom and Mama and explained everything to them. They were stunned, mixed emotions written all over my Mom’s face. I told them not to worry because when I prayed, I told the Lord ‘to lead me where He sees me fit…to direct me where I would be of most service to Him…’ Mom told me not to worry, too because she isn’t rushing me to finish college. I am really fortunate to have such an understanding mother. We may make our plans but the Lord always has the last say.

We went home quite calm, making plans about other universities. After changing into comfortable clothes, I went straight to the computer and here I am now.

I don’t know how I feel. I am cleaved in two. I feel continuous joy and dismal pain.

I don’t know where I am heading. And though I should feel fear from the uncertainty imposed by untimely occurrences, I feel light of heart…because the Lord’s spirit dwells in my soul. I feel His unconditional love and I am free from fear. I am not afraid of a tiresome journey because every step leads me to beautiful places…beautiful because He is with me.

On the other hand, there is a pang in me because as ridiculous as this sounds…the mere mention of Ivan’s name reminds me of a candle that melted my heart with a sweet malady that I have still not fully recovered from. I have quarantined the sickness but it is not terminated.

Random Thoughts

Do not wake the tenderness of your heart, self. Remember that this is your weakness. To hope for being worthy of love is ridiculous. I have so much love to give but not with that tenderness of heart. It caused my downfall.

…It will not be my bane again.

March 7, 2002 - Thursday

I can feel the unmistakable dismay of all those around me. They are disappointed (while some of them snicker at my misfortune) because I am unable to go to college at the start of the school year. Perhaps it occurs to them that the little talent that I have, however minute, is still something I should put to use. How about me, how do I feel?

I feel as a person in my place should feel. I am dismayed, too. The entire year last year, I spent pining to go to special training classes for writing. But our lack of financial means strained me from reaching my dream. However, I’ve completely turned myself, day and night (and the wee hours) into a student, learning what I can from encyclopedias, books, maps, dictionaries, and, last but not the least, the Bible.

The dearth of means for proper education is something I did not let discourage me. What I understand, and am concentrating on, is the fact that, however insufficient, I should make use of other things in order to gain wisdom and knowledge as close as to what a university offers. I must admit that this task is, on one hand, very difficult because I am my own sole judge. There is no one to weigh my intelligence but me. On the other hand, the advantage of self-education is I can go over a lesson as much as I feel the need and want to do so.

But even if I have compensated well for what I lack, it is still not satisfactory when compared to the specialization a college can offer.

And this is what’s weighing my heart down like an anchor.

March 9, 2002 - Saturday
It’s Tita Emie’s birthday today. I greeted her a while ago.

I was reading Les Misérables a few hours ago when in the middle of turning the page, I suddenly remembered having this dream a few months ago. In the dream, I was reading Part Two of Les Misérables, lying flat on my belly and in the act of turning the page. And it was exactly what I was doing at the moment.

Odd…

March 12, 2002 - Tuesday

A few days ago, Mom went to Sta. Mesa to visit Tita Emie and Tito Dan to talk about Tito Dan’s winning case. The briefest explanation I can write about the background of the case is that Tito Dan’s filing it because of their neighbors’ loathsome attitude towards them.

Anyway, Mom came home a little intoxicated and she had with her some of the stuff Aunt Linda sent us. I was astounded when I saw that Aunt Linda gave me two pieces of beautiful jewelry plus a jewelry box. Words fail me. Thanks very much from the bottom of my heart, Aunt Lyn.

She also sent tapes and told us to listen to them and pretend that she’s here for the meantime. As soon as I pressed the play button, Mom went berserk, whining and groveling, yanking her hair out, rolling over, burying her head in my pillow all the while yelling out, ‘Uwi ka na Manang…’

At least now I know I don’t have to go to the circus to see stunts when I could just watch a forty eight year old woman do amazing feats. Kidding aside, I understand how she feels even though I don’t have a sibling. I hope they get to see each other soon.

Aunt Linda also sent the email addresses of Kuya Anthony and Ate Maria. What I don’t understand is how come none of our relatives here in the Philippines write them back and thank them for their support? Mom didn’t need to give them the address anymore because it’s written on the boxes and are displayed for all to see. Anyway, it doesn’t matter because when I write I always make it a point to say, ‘in behalf of everyone’.

My cousin, Mama and I went to the mall today to buy the materials for Gian’s invitations.

I’m very tired and somehow feel like I’ve suddenly lost the zeal for something I can’t quite determine.

March 14, 2002 - Thursday

Ate Nine arrived yesterday. And my heart is grieving. So is mom’s. She keeps calling herself a name…a name too hard for us to bear. With each repetition, my heart breaks.

I love her. I cannot say enough. I can only feel much.

…And weep.

March 17, 2002 - Sunday

Ate Nine invited us the other day to hang out and drink at her new place which Mom and Mama helped find for them. Mom, my two cousins and I gladly accepted the invitation. They served us tequila and this beverage they drink in Japan and it was sort of nice because we got to spend time with one another since she’s been away for a long time. Yesterday, I had my hair cut short. As in, short.

I really thought I would regret it but it actually turned out well…great, in fact. I feel like a load’s been taken off of my shoulders (literally), thanks to Ms. Christi.

Der called and we chatted for a while. I really miss her and John and everyone! I can’t wait to see them!

March 18, 2002 - Monday

Whew…I really don’t know how to start narrating everything that happened today.

I woke up around 2:30 in the morning because I couldn’t sleep well. So I sat up and read my works in the PC. Mama was already awake and she prepared a warm glass of Milo for me. I was hesitant at first because I’ve stopped drinking it ever since I got sick. I drank it anyway, thanking Mama for her effort. A few minutes later, my ulcer started acting up. That’s when I remembered what happened to me when I was in sixth grade. I drank Milo and got dehydrated because I was rehearsing for my MJ performance the following day. I was rushed to the hospital.

I turned off the computer and prayed silently for the Lord to prevent anything bad from happening. I woke up a few hours later, feeling a little better. Mom prepared 2 cups of tea for me and it helped me a lot. Soon, everyone in the house woke up and started to prepare for Gian’s baptism.

As soon as we finished the preparations, the other godfathers arrived at the house. Soon, we went down to the Church while I walked beside my cousins. When we got there, that’s when we realized the strong grip of tension that was choking us. Everyone was worried because it was common knowledge that Kuya Chris didn’t want to see Mic at the Baptism and at the reception afterwards. Everyone was afraid of him and wanted to obey what he wanted. But Mom escorted all of us to the Church and she, herself, accompanied Mic and his brother, Kitty inside. Before she left, she told Ate Nine and Kaye to take care of Mic and Kitty if ever something happens. She told Ate Nine to proceed to Tito Dan’s place afterwards if it’s fine with her. She made a promise to come back even though I had a feeling she wouldn’t because of certain matters.

The event in the Church went well. Afterwards, we got ready to proceed to McDonald’s Glorietta, where the reception would be held. Kuya Chris wasn’t able to attend the Baptism but he was going to pick up Ate Abbie, Aunt Del, Kaye and the baby. Ate Nine, Aunt Josie and I went ahead because we wouldn’t be able to fit in Kuya’s car.

As we reached the Tulungan, Auntie Josie gave me Ate Nine’s watch. She said it would look good on me and that after replacing the battery, it would work out fine. Meanwhile Ate Nine was buying three cans of Royal for us.

I thanked both of them and we walked outside. We took a taxi. While riding, I think Ate Nine called Kuya. We went inside Glo and they made a short stop at the money exchange. Then we made our way towards McDo.

We were hesitating to go in because the banner said “Happy Birthday Gian!” Then Aunt Del, Ate Abbie, Kaye and the baby arrived.

Then we saw Mic, Gian’s father arrive. Ate Nine and I caught each other’s eye and we felt the grip of tension again.

Ate Nine, Ate Abbie, Aunt Josie and I talked about what would happen if Kuya sees Mic there. We were afraid that he would fly into a rage if he learns Mic followed. So, thinking it best for the child and no one else, Kaye approached Kitty, Mic’s older brother, to kindly ask him to tell Mic to leave. Kitty, thinking it also best for the child, talked to Mic and soon he left.

Reality stayed in my mind as I thought of how I would feel if I was in Mic’s place. I was hurting for him because I couldn’t do anything to help.

Kuya arrived and after pleasantries, Aunt Del admitted to him that Mic was there. Kuya asked where he was now. Aunt Del said we, the family, asked him to leave because we were thinking of the consequences. Then, to our surprise, Kuya said we shouldn’t have asked him to leave because no matter what happens, he’s still the child’s father and it can’t be helped if he wants to see his child.

I was full of regret upon learning that he said that. It’s because we were all scared of what would happen if he catches Mic and then in the end, it was all right for Mic to be there after all.

When we got to Sta. Mesa, we told Tito about what happened and he texted Tita Bea (Mic’s mother), sending her his apologies in behalf of the family.

Mom called Tita and as soon as Tita Bea heard Mom’s voice, she began to cry over the phone so we hurried to get home because I also wanted to apologize for the pain that we have caused them.

We proceeded to the seventh floor while Mama proceeded to 402 to tell Kaye to follow us.

Tita Bea welcomed us warmly and after we sat down, Kaye arrived. She started to cry because she was feeling helpless, because she couldn’t decide for herself since she doesn’t have the means to keep her baby alive. Tita Bea comforted her by telling her, ‘Tahan na Klang. Wag ka nang umiyak.’

Everything sailed smooth. We listened to her as she explained her side. She narrated to us how unfair Kuya Chris was. When they weren’t helping, meron daw nasasabi. When they were finally helping, meron pa ring nasasabi. Anyone who’s broad-minded can understand everything and everyone. I, on my part, just want the best for the child’s upbringing. After clearing things up, Kitty arrived. Shortly after, his friends arrived.

Soon, everyone started to enjoy because the tension disappeared.

I felt glad afterwards because I finally understood how good their intentions were for the child. I just wish that everything would work out well for Gian’s sake.

More

I had a dream last year (See My Slumber) about Michael Jackson and Britney Spears doing an act together. And sure enough, I’ve just watched the news and saw them preparing to record a song together.

Ate Abbie’s suitor came over here but she wasn’t around.

March 20, 2002 - Wednesday

Mom and I are getting worried. Mama may have good intentions for us but we feel that there’s something off in her methods. Mama’s been asking for food from all the stores here without our knowledge that sometimes my Mom and I are just surprised to find her with a big smile on her face and plastic bags full of food beside her. Mom and I are truly moved by her selfless effort but we sometimes feel that she doesn’t have to do anything to please us. Just seeing her healthy and in fellowship with the Lord is my happiness and Mom’s. We always remind her to pray to God but she forgets.

*Sigh*

Mom can’t help feeling frustrated that sometimes she cries and asks me for advice. I, on the other hand, am the usual Shai that she knows. Clueless. The Lord will guide us through this, I know.

Later

I called my friends today, asking help for my Tito Dan. Tito’s Aunt is pawning a piece of land, 213 square meters, Villasis, 120000 Pesos. Originally, the price is 100000 pesos but since Tita Emie needs 20000 for her own case, I added.

I hope the Lord listens to our prayers.

More

Der passed her exams. Thank you God.

March 21, 2002 - Thursday

This philosophy may be incorrect for others but this is how I feel. To me, when I do something that does not lessen my love for the Lord, it is not a sin. I uphold this belief because I know in the depths of my soul that this is true. Love is such an expandable word. It is one word but it has countless meanings. Respect. Trust. Understanding. Kindness. Patience. Selflessness.

Like the text message.

‘I am human not perfect. But inside this imperfection lies a heart that values You the best way it knows how.’

I believe and cling to this belief. I am not unique. But what I hold true to my heart is the ever-growing love that I feel for God.

1 Cor 13:13

‘Meanwhile these three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love.’

March 27, 2002 - Wednesday

We thought a blackout would occur last night so, I guess, in good faith, Kaye bought snacks so that, according to her, we would be able to have something to eat while suffering the dark. I obliged. When we came back, she started to talk about the things that were affecting her life. Marvin came up here a short while after. We found out that he hasn’t done his book report. Kaye contributed to the conversation (since she once attended the school Marvin was now studying in), saying she had a similar project when she was in fifth grade. Assuming she still knows the school’s system of assigning book reports, I asked her something. She answered in a weird way.

My head is spinning…I’m taking it out on writing and thinking.

Later

Les Misérables, Victor Hugo

“Happy is he, even though he suffers, whom God has endowed with a spirit worthy of both love and misfortune…The state of the soul that loves and suffers is sublime.”

A Look Back: 2001 (Con't.) Daughter, Revisited.

I've recently discovered a few things about myself. God truly moves in unpredictable ways. Just when you think He's tested your great capacity to endure suffering, He gives you another surprise to see how you'll handle it. I won’t fail Him. Know why? Because He’s fighting this fight with me.

November 17, 2001 - Saturday

There are feelings that not even words could mend.

We went to the wake last night with my cousin, Kuya Pajing, his wife Ate Aileen and their son, Gio. During the trip, we felt rather comfortable. I had a sense of foreboding but did not feel the need to share it so I kept quiet the entire way.

When we arrived, Kuya Jun, Tito Erning’s oldest son was the first to say hello to us and after settling down, he dropped the bomb. Turning to my mom, he said rather amusedly, “Tita, dadating si Tito ah.”

Mom looked at him with the barest hint of interest and asked, “Kailan?”

“Ngayon. Sinundo na nga nina Ean eh.”

Funny, after that she looked at me. I told her I knew. She asked me how come I didn’t tell her. I told her I didn’t know technically but I had a feeling something was up and that when we arrive at the wake, he’d be present. After a few moments, Kuya Eric and Kuya Carlo (my cousins, Tita Vicky’s sons) arrived. Shortly after that, Tita Vicky, Kuya Ean, Lola and Ellaisa arrived with Dad.

I didn’t think his visit was ominous. I’ve long forgiven him and forgotten our past misunderstanding. But there was one thing that pained me very much. My relatives withheld information about my father. If not for Kuya Jun, we wouldn’t have known. We deserved to know at least to be prepared for what was coming.

 

After several hours, Kuya Ean (Tita Vicky’s youngest son) sat in front of me and I gave him dagger looks and hints. Sad to say, I wasn’t able to keep the tears from falling. He thought I was crying because Dad wasn’t spending time with me and because I was feeling out of place within my own family.

He talked to me and told me that the situation was chaotic and therefore things are a bit hard for Dad. He reckoned I should give him space to breathe because, according to him, if Tito Erning had died a natural death, it would’ve been easier for Dad to accept. He added (though I’m not quite sure if he used the same words), that in the kind of gathering we were in, one shouldn’t feel left out. One is responsible for one’s space and if he wants to belong, he has to compose his own group.

Actually, his rationalization was in vain because I didn’t feel any of the things he thought I was feeling. I was hurt, yes, but not by the reasons he assumed.

 

He was pertaining about the family’s unnatural way of making me feel singled out. I’ve felt out of place ever since I was young because I was barely informed about family gatherings, so I kind of grew up ignorant of relatives’ names and ranks. But I learned to cope with it as I was growing up so it didn’t bother me now.

 

Kuya explained that under the circumstances, Dad needs his space and cannot be expected to provide me the attention that I wanted. Here is where he’s very wrong. I’ve always tried to be an understanding person and last night only proved that I understood what Dad needed, thus explains my being distant from him. I know when to place another person’s needs before mine.

What Kuya failed to discern was the fact that the family failed to inform me about my own father’s homecoming. My mother is a very understanding woman and had we been informed about my father’s arrival, the awkward situation last night could’ve been avoided. The situation last night was exhausting. I had to go from one parent to another parent and be the same child without making the other feel more or less loved.

Kuya Ean pointed out that I wasn’t the only one having a dilemma. Kuya Pangga (my cousin) was there, smack-dab in the middle of Tita Julie (his mom) and Ellaisa (his 6-year-old half sister). He said that, in order to be comfortable, Kuya Pangga created his own space with his own group.

I could do the same thing, of course.

 

But I didn’t want to. Because in doing so, I wouldn’t be ignoring one of them. I’d be ignoring both of them. I have a tendency to strive for the happiness and comfort of the people dear to me. I have not the mind to abandon any of them…yet I have not the heart to ignore my own pain. Certain family members knew of his coming home. If they, at least, informed me about his arrival, Mom could’ve decided to pass. But since they did not tell me, I was torn apart last night. What if Dad came with Tita Beth. I would’ve been ripped threefold.

 

There was no need for tears last night. Yet they blossomed from my depth. It had been quite a task, pleasing both of them without making the other feel less tended. Still, I understand, accept and only hope that next time at least one family member would care enough to consider the tiny but existing me.

November 19, 2001 - Monday

The Leonid Storm was splendid! I’ve never seen anything quite like it. It even bears my zodiac sign.

*Smile*

I’ve finished reading The Fellowship of the Ring and Two Towers. I want to start reading the last book The Return of the King but Mom told me to rest my eyes for a bit. I guess I’m not really resting them since I’m typing right now.Tolkien has sucked me into his books and I’m breathless with anticipation. Masterful work!

 

November 21, 2001 - Wednesday

We went to the wake last night. Things were okay. Dad wasn’t there. But today, he visited me here at Tenement. I guess it’s because Tito Albert’s come home from Canada. He brought my printer, and we tried installing the scanner but it didn’t work because we didn’t have a printer cable.

I miss my friends…

November 22, 2001 - Thursday

I feel silly. Last night, I finally finished journeying with Tolkien’s characters in their quest. I can’t find words to describe how I feel. There’s a part of me that longs for the story’s continuation. Similar to what Master Samwise had said, the fellowship has finally gone where I can’t follow.

*Sigh*

I’m already beginning to miss Frodo…

But…Frodo lives…

November 23, 2001 - Friday

It’s Mama’s birthday today. Ate Odette texted me, asking me to greet Mama a happy birthday for her.

More

I can no longer hide my private thoughts from those who pursue, only because they want to know me effortlessly…

November 21, 2001 - Wednesday

We went to the wake last night. Things were okay. Dad wasn’t there. But today, he visited me here at Tenement. I guess it’s because Tito Albert’s come home from Canada. He brought my printer, and we tried installing the scanner but it didn’t work because we didn’t have a printer cable.

I miss my friends…

November 22, 2001 - Thursday

I feel silly. Last night, I finally finished journeying with Tolkien’s characters in their quest. I can’t find words to describe how I feel. There’s a part of me that longs for the story’s continuation. Similar to what Master Samwise had said, the fellowship has finally gone where I can’t follow.

*Sigh*

I’m already beginning to miss Frodo…

But…Frodo lives…

November 23, 2001 - Friday

It’s Mama’s birthday today. Ate Odette texted me, asking me to greet Mama a happy birthday for her.

More

I can no longer hide my private thoughts from those who pursue, only because they want to know me effortlessly…

November 24, 2001 - Saturday

Yesterday was the last day of Tito’s wake. After Dad installed the printer, he went on his way. We also prepared to go to Santa Ana. There were so many people when we arrived. Ate Abbie accompanied us by the way (my cousin/mother side). We settled ourselves outside the hall because it was too hot inside. Soon our group grew. After a few minutes, Dad arrived with Lola, Tita Beth, Alirez and Maan (Ms. Beth’s daughters). I was unchanged. I always know what Dad seems to be thinking that I had expected them to come. Mom however had those glassy eyes again. I greeted them.

The funny thing was when Lola twisted my pinkie finger. It was while I was absent-mindedly looking around. She got hold of my pinkie finger and clandestinely started trying to dislocate it, trying to force me without words to kiss Tita Beth and her children. The twisting actually hurt but what hurt most was the extent of the action an old woman was willing to do to force her granddaughter in a very amiable but uncomfortable position. But I was, at that moment, not equipped to fight the current of the river that travels the byways of the world.

I kissed the air beside Tita’s cheek and greeted her daughter. I thought Maan was alone.

Anyway it makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Treat others the same way you want to be treated. Still, that doesn’t always happen. We can’t please everybody. Sometimes, it even feels like we can’t please anybody.

Kuya Ean settled himself on the seat beside mine (he’s like John but more brooding. Hmm…Jean and John…Same names, the other one’s French though) We talked about certain things like…Ate Nine. Ate Abbie and I enjoyed teasing him to his utmost discomfort. Anyhow, I noticed this person with blond hair ever since we arrived because he strangely reminds me of Lestat. Kuya Ean and I were talking when he came over and said he wanted to be introduced. So Kuya acquainted us with each other. He’s ok. I’m not really good with names so unfortunately I forgot his. He kept saying he knew a lot about me and mentioned something about my eighteenth birthday. I nodded, silently wondering how he came to know those things about me. He also mentioned La Salle and a few other things. Anyway, I finally understood when he said he was Maan’s uncle. Dad probably told him about me. Anyway, what happened next was the low for the night.

At the exact same time, Maan approached him and whispered something in his ear. He looked at her and then he introduced her to my mom. She looked at my mom (according to Ate Abbie who was in full view of everything) and raised an eyebrow.

Mom changed after that. I think her point is one good turn deserves another. I guess if it happened to other people, they would seize the opportunity to speak out.

But me…

…I cannot say words that are not meant for me to speak. Who am I to cause pain upon others? I used to be reckless. But now I know that the only one who has utmost authority is Him up there. Worry does not exist in me if worry pertains to reputation. Let the world see that I try my best to make ends meet even if some people think I shouldn’t make an effort at all and refuse to consider the ridicule as part of real life. Who am I to defy the fate I’ve been created to take…?

 

I will stand by her, revealing to the world how she is the entire universe in my life. The Lord is my light. My heart is at ease with obstacles as long as He is with me. We are human, creating our own space on earth, dissatisfied by merely living. Our need for change is great.

Greater still would the change be if it made us the best of who we can be. When my brief visit is over, I will face Him, alone. I have nothing to be proud of. I am streaked by human follies. How beautiful the brave who wears his poverty with pride, his poverty of body and soul.

He is not ashamed of being a small man in a big universe.

Someday, I’ll change the world. I only pray I will not die before my time…and I pray to have humble wisdom. Whatever glory I will earn, it is not for me. It is because and for God.

Random Thoughts

I am an only child yet I am everyone’s sibling.

If all the sufferings persevered by a mortal count as good deeds in heaven…the place would be packed.

‘…But in the end, it doesn’t even matter…’

My mind is running wild with so many thoughts. And my heart is frenzied from feeling so many emotions. How is it possible to disguise love when love itself is as bare as truth? I believe I’m living an ephemeral life…

…How then can I make moments eternal with my remaining time?

My friends reckon I deserve to be loved…therefore I shouldn’t think lowly of myself. I’m one of the many battered souls, true, but love lights up my face like newly born hope. Still, I can’t help but think…

…We love those who cannot love us back…

…And we cannot love back those who love us well…

Must everything exist in a cycle…?

Reckon I start a philosophy.

About life being more like a horizontal line.

That’s as perfect as a car with square wheels.

The heart must always be forgiven for its bursts of passion. It is reckless. It does not see who gets hurt in the way. That’s why our eyes are on our heads, to see above our self-beating hearts. Imagine man, having eyes as many as the pineapple’s…I reckon nobody will get run over in any way ever.

November 27, 2001 - Tuesday

I thought my pc wouldn’t work anymore. Something happened to it yesterday. So I had to open the CPU and do what Tito Ronald told me. He told me to take out the battery and wait for five seconds before putting it back again. It worked except that I was so distracted that one of the pins of the monitor cord got a dent. I straightened it out and it worked, thank God. I cut my finger. I used to be afraid of seeing blood but curiously, I merely wiped it off and forgot all about it.

Um…yesterday, a friend called it quits (about our friendship). It started like this. We went to ATC for the Harry Potter movie. He was among the few people who turned up.

Being in the same group as he, I didn’t feel comfortable but I didn’t feel too awkward either. When we decided that we weren’t going to watch because Calai won’t be able to go home early (the next showing was around 6PM) we decided to eat first and then just spend the day roaming around. When we got to a beauty store, he didn’t come in with us. So we went in and after a few minutes, went out to accompany him…only to find him gone. Calai tried texting him but he wasn’t replying. I knew I was the reason why he left. So after our group parted ways, I texted him. I asked him why he left without saying goodbye.

He told me if he didn’t say goodbye then what the hell did he say when we talked at Magic Wand. I remember that he did say goodbye to me there, but I really never considered it as a serious matter because we would still be friends despite my family and I moving to another place.

Anyway, I tried to convince him that it wasn’t really goodbye. But he refused to listen. He told me over text that it was his last message. Then he said “Goodbye my tragic poet” (I remember telling him during our high school days that I wanted to be one of the tragic poets). The fact that he still remembers that moment was…quite touching.

Today I sent him a quote, telling him that although he has his own life I would still care about him. Then he sent me a message I’ve heard before, on a foggy February night.

‘I love you.’

Actually, cute yung pic message. But I know I’m causing him pain…

…The same pain I’ve felt once.

November 30, 2001 - Friday

I spent the day with my friends. Actually, I spent most of the day with Calai. We watched HP. Wicked.

Met with John, but we both needed to hurry to other places so we didn’t get to talk very long. I gave him the Odes to Common Things. I’m glad I was able to see him.

I’m moved by Der’s letter…utterly touched.

Even if I don’t mention her name often here, it doesn’t mean that I’m not thinking about her. I remember her always, especially when I feel down. I recall her words and feel instantly a new surge of strength reviving me. I’m just very grateful for everything and for everyone.

 

December 1, 2001 - Saturday

How wonderful! It’s the first day of December. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. Anyway, John sent me so many messages last night because of the book I gave him. His mirth is already more than enough happiness for me. Knowing I was able to touch him in a way…it was very overwhelming. I was also overwhelmed with Der’s letter. I reached out and she took me in her arms, comforting me. Once more, I’m moved more than words can explain.

I tried to text my special friend.

The first message I sent him was ‘helo. am I disturbing you?’

To my surprise he tried calling me. But I didn’t answer his calls. I told him I’m not good in conversing. Then he left a message in my voice mailbox. I told him it’s no good either. I can’t retrieve the messages because I’ve forgotten my security code (pathetic, no?) Finally, he texted back…

‘I want 2 say Im sori & I want u 2 hear me say it. U always disturb me. U always visit me in my dreams. U always occupy my thoughts evrydy. Do u disturb me? Yes. But I wont have it any other way!’

*Stunned* I told him I know I’m causing him some unexplainable pain. And I don’t want it to be that way. Again, he replied.

‘If u r pain, strike me again. I wld rather have pain than sweet comfort.’

*…* I told him I’d rather be sweet comfort than pain. But I can’t offer him that comfort. I tried explaining my position. Then to my messages, he answered.

‘Im not forcing u 2 anythn. Dis is my choice. I’ve always knwn ur a star I cnt reach. I prmsd myself if I snt dat msg I wld mean it. I jst want u 2 know 1 thng: There’s a guy called ……. dat loves u no mater wat.’

…

All I know is that what he feels for me overwhelms me. How can I prevent myself from hurting him? His feelings are all too familiar…what really saddens me is the fact that as much as I want to be the help he needs to forget his feelings, I’m not the one that can help him.

December 2, 2001 - Sunday

It’s Aunt Del’s birthday today (we live under the same roof). I made her a card from the PC and I’m very pleased to know that she liked it. The only down side of her birthday was the big fight she had with my cousin, Kaye. It’s because Kaye was on the ground floor with her friends. She told Aunt Del that she’s going to buy something and Aunt Del told her to be quick. So when she saw how slow Kaye was walking, she started yelling at her from the fourth floor. Kaye, being humiliated, shouted at Aunt Del as soon as she entered the flat. They argued for minutes, and I heard occasional slaps here and there from the other room. I didn’t want to butt in because I know it’ll only make matters worse. But when I heard what Kaye was saying after Aunt Del went out of the flat…*Heartbreak*

She said she didn’t care if it was her mom’s birthday, she’ll ram her horns against anybody she wants to. Then talking to her 2-month-old baby, she was muttering about how someday she’ll get a rich man and leave her mom alone.

…Everything changes…

Later

Our flat is packed with so many delightful people that Mama is having a hard time sleeping. Kaye and Aunt Del made up.

…Everything changes…

The next reflection is something I made as I sat in the kitchen, away from the gathering crowd outside.

Random Thoughts

‘Sometimes I feel like the whole universe dwells in me. Every occurring thought moves at the same pace but all in different directions. This is the reason why there is either a subtle description or an absence of expression.

My emotions meddle in the affairs of my mind, complicating my life. And before I know it, I am standing on the tip of my finger, gawking at the world spinning rapidly around me. Closing my eyes, the event makes me smile. Because in me, there is a soft humming sound, whispering blurred images of thought and feeling…

It is not the world that spins, after all.

I am half-beaten by a short-lived bliss and the countless memories contributed by charming smiles. My mind kept all of these, not to cause worse torment and ache, but to forestall me from realizing that there is life after love. And sure enough, I remembered and survived.

How am I liken to Aragorn? I am not half elven-blooded king or noble healer. Yet we are of the same kin.

`It is better…far better to be known so well by few than to be known so vaguely by many.

I continue to stare at the horizon...not to search for signs of salvation but to look deep into the eye of He who hardly rests. I see his eye as soon as morning comes, peeping through clouds of fading gray. And as I watch the death-cold stars, I see his eye again…His eye that seems to seek the dark corners of alleyways and graveyards...

…For any sign of a servant who remains faithful.

My placid grins try to pierce His eye, aiming to convince Him of this worthless search. I was there, standing right below the evening sky. But because of the dirt stains upon my shirt, there is no recognition for the soul who pleaded to experience the world.

My heart beats ever faster every day…shortening the years to minutes…lengthening the dreams to sighs.’

December 5, 2001 - Wednesday

‘May sikreto akong sasabihin sayo.

Mayroong nangyaring hindi mo alam. Ito’y isang lihim, itinagong kay tagal…

…Muntik na kitang minahal.

Noo’y hindi nakayang ipadama sayo…ang nararamdaman ng pusong ito.

At hanggang ngayon ay naaalala ka…

…Muntik na kitang minahal.

Ngayon ay aaminin ko na…na sana nga ay tayong dalawa.

Mga tanong mo’y iniwasan ko. Akala ang pag-ibig mo’y di totoo.

Di ko alam kung ano ang nangyari…

…Damdamin ko sayo’y hindi ko nasabi…
Hanggang ang puso mo’y napagod sa paghihintay kay tagal…

…Saka ko lang naisip…

…Muntik na kitang minahal.’

I can relate to this song…

I can’t give him (or anyone for that matter) a chance because…I simply can’t. There are so many things I have to take care of and to bear another thing; I am completely confused and tired. I hope he understands that it is utmost necessary for my survival to focus on one direction. I know it’s difficult for him. But it’s also difficult for me. In short, we’re both having a hard time; and knowing that he won’t try to move on, my heart is terribly burdened with the thought that I’m hurting somebody without intending to. We’re good friends and that’s the way I want us to be. I hope he respects what I feel, the same way I respect how he feels. If I didn’t care about him, I would’ve just recklessly said yes.

Can love grow in days or weeks?

Can love dwell in one reason alone?

Calai told me that if she was in my place, she’d be scared, too but I’m braver than her so I should take my chances.

God knows it takes a higher degree of bravery to tell someone that there’s little chance in order to save that person from experiencing more pain.

I’m giving my priorities the attention I’ve never given them. This is who I’ve never been. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I can take on anything.

He hardly knows who I am and where my heart has been.

Right now, my relationship with the Lord gives me the most inspiration and will to go on. I’ve never been this close to Him except when I was still a child.

I hope he understands and respects what I need right now.

...Sadly enough, he doesn’t know what I need that’s why he doesn’t understand me.

And the most irritating thing about this is he belittles himself and tells me how he’ll wait in a corner and come only when I need him.

He makes me feel as if I have been cruel to him.

…Makes me feel like I’ve done him a great wrong…

It’s making matters worse…

December 6, 2001 - Thursday

I’ve finally finished writing my letter for him. I hoped he would understand and respect also what I feel. I’ve gone through what he’s going through and indeed, it‘s not a pleasant place. But I am not the one who can take him out of there. He has to make an effort to move on. I don’t want him to stay there.

I don’t know if I should give him the letter.

Mom had a glimpse of my journal. And as expected, she cried by the truth of my words. They were not tears of sadness but of relief. I am glad because in some way, I have comforted her.

December 8, 2001 - Saturday

We went to Fortmax Resort in Merville. It was okay except for the fact that as soon as we arrived, over thirty men turned up. There were only five women in the resort, Me, Ate Abbie, Kaye and two other.

*Shudder*

Just when we were getting spooked, Mom arrived with guess-who?

Kuya Marc Anthony! Kuya Marc is Mama Fely’s nephew and we grew up together in the old house at Gloria Diaz. I’ve really missed him!

Mama’s family is warning her that she should stay away from Mom and me because according to them, we wasted all of her money. What hurts me the most is she can’t bring herself to tell them the truth.

Mom and I are taking the blame. Is that fair…? Or shall we speak out and break our silence…? The shadow reaches all parts of the world.

December 9, 2001 - Sunday

I am feeling no better. My old world creeps up to me and threatens to make me cold and vulnerable once more. The Lord above controls my spirit. Where I am now is where He has intended me to be. Man has brought me my ailments, not the Lord. Even if He let them come to me to serve as a challenge, I accept them as blessings. The Lord only gives blessings. Man makes his own sufferings.

If only I am void of feeling, I might survive the brimming teardrops such men and women cause. If only in my dreams, I could escape the bruises they inflict upon my spirit, I would wake every day wearing a brighter smile. They listen to lies and judge upon their fellowmen using such lies to summarize a person. They use vile words that discourage the innocent from finding true happiness. They label the blameless, names such as ‘plague’ and not only insult the innocent, but also insult the God who made them.

Lord, how cruel and unfaithful Your children have become...

My hands are endlessly bleeding for they cease to acknowledge that reaching for them causes me agony. I am no better than a piece of wood rotting in the rain or a dead leaf newly fallen from a dying tree or an old woman withering from polluted love. I am no better than the lowest scum in the universe for I am a sinner. My love for You is all that matters. You are the father who never left my side. You are the tree of which shade gave me rest. You are the food of which I ate after years of famine. You are the peace that settled in me after my exhausting battles.

A man, who has been corrupted by many things, in this similar situation might say, ‘Why must I give praise to the Lord’s name? He drowns me in many sufferings!’

Why, Lord, loving You is the greatest privilege anyone can imagine. I do not love You just because I want to grasp salvation. I love You because You alone are my life…my king…my friend…my teacher…my brother…my healer. The being that suffered for me, who laughed with me, who traveled with me, and most of all, the one who died for me when I became corrupted myself. All of who I am and all of what belongs to me summarize only to one thing…one matter…You.

…And You have made me the richest person in the world with Your love!

You are the greatest, the commandant of the future, the timeless songs of the past, the perfect fruit of the present…and I adore You for You are my friend.

You alone have seen who I am. You have gazed at the whole of my spirit. Men spoke of how You will judge the entire universe. But when I asked forgiveness, You forgave…and the scales tipped over. Your love and understanding for me won over the much pain I’ve caused You. I asked for Your heart once and gave it a beating, and when I returned to give it back, You cried when You saw it battered. And yet as my hand held it out, You didn’t take it. You entrusted it to me once more, giving me a second chance.

You raised and embraced me like a brother…a father…a mother…a teacher…

…A loving king to his treacherous servant…

All my filth was washed away by Your undying love and forgiveness.

From there, I more than understood what is love…I felt real love for the first time.

You have already done so many wonderful things for me. You never, not even once, inflicted pain upon me.

I am Your faithful servant. I want to show You how much I love You. I want You to feel the same love You made me feel. With these dreams, I plan to help the people find their way to You.

You did not ask me to do anything for You. You did not command me to preach…or judge…or foretell…or perform miracles.

But I am moved by Your love for me that I long to show You how much I love You as well.

Until my visit is over, I will strain to reunite them with You, so that I might once again be able to see the smile upon Your face upon reconciling with Your long-lost children.

…This entry is for you.

December 11, 2001 - Tuesday

I was too tired to write what happened yesterday. We went to Cavite yesterday to visit Lola and to give my letters to Tita Vicky. When we got there, it was okay. I was playing with the kids for a while (Tito Boy’s) and then it started.

Lola asked me to buy a 300-peso credit for my cell so I did. When I got back, Mom asked me to text Dad. Lola asked me to mention her bill to Dad. Dad texted back, telling me that he’s a little short on cash but he’s going to send something next week. Mom told me to text him, “How ‘bout my Merry Christmas?”

So I did. His reply was, “555 na muna tayo. Sanay naman tayo dyan.” I replied, “Oo nga, pandesal, mantikilya at asukal. Take care of yourself. Don’t overwork. Too much stress is bad for you.”

Then, I told Lola and Mom about it. They started chatting while I kept my eyes glued to the T.V. because I was trying to understand the Animé over their loud voices. Then Mom suddenly said, “O, nakasimangot ka na. Wag ka nang magtampo kay Papa mo.”

I looked at her sideways. My stare meant to tell her “What are you talking about?”

But she teased me all the more. I got pissed. If I was my old self, I would have just ignored her and get back to watching. But I’ve changed. I can’t stand someone talking about me in a way that leads others to believe that I’m feeling something that’s not true.

That moment scarred me and I cried. Because Mom emphasized how hurt I am when he’s not sending anything. She used to do that a lot before, when Dad came home and we went to visit him in Cavite (he stays with Lola every time he comes home).

During that time, she kept saying that I shouldn’t be sad because Dad has finally come home and that I should wipe off the frown on my face. I stared at her, trying to ask her with my eyes to stop. But she didn’t.

I cried and cried while I was watching the TV, my face unmoved by emotions. I want them to know that in some way, I am my own person.

Gone are the days of childhood plays.

Gone are the hours of timeless keeping.

Gone are the minutes of spirited rays.

Gone are the years of soulless weeping.

December 12, 2001 - Wednesday

I watched several movies. Hmm…The Perfect Storm…Bedazzled…Training Day…Here on Earth…The Thirteenth Warrior.

The last movie was fascinating. Two years ago, on my birthday, Ate Vaebz (my cousin’s wife) gave me a present. It was Michael Crichton’s Eaters of the Dead.

At first, I thought I wouldn’t be interested in it because the cover didn’t look appealing but soon, I was swept off my feet. It was the kind of adventure I wanted to be part of.

Other Thoughts

I have a weird feeling that I would be having a tough year next year in school. One year is such a long rest that I feel I am about to get myself into something difficult. Whatever it is, I only hope I would be strong enough to handle it. May the Lord keep watch over me.

Later

I had a weird dream (see Dec 12, My Slumber).

December 14, 2001 - Friday

I woke up around 1:30 AM from a dream. When I looked at the TV (it was off), I saw a man dressed in white in it. He was smiling. When I turned around, nobody was there.

I told Aunt Del and my cousin, Kaye about it and they said, “Meron talagang nagpaparamdam.”

A ghost or an angel? Hmm.

December 15, 2001 - Saturday

Rented a couple of movies for the whole family. The One…Original Sin…Trip…Dracula 2001.

So far, I’ve watched Original Sin. It was a predictable story.

Later

I have just watched Dracula 2001.

My mother and I are offering my relatives (father side) a business that makes earning money easy. I have just received a message from them.

I cannot fully remember it because as soon as I had read it, I erased it. It was, in a certain way, an unpleasant message because it lacked consideration and courtesy…

Clearly enough, someone, who hardly cared if his/her lack of manners offends other people, made the message.

I think it goes like this. ‘Chai, sabi ni Kuya Erick kay Lola, di daw cla interesado sa inaalok ninyo. Kaya wag na kayong mag-abala. Lola Feding!’

I was barely affected by the message because I didn’t know who owned the number. Tito Dan (from my mother side) was the one who started the chain of the business and Mom was supposed to accompany him tomorrow to visit my relatives’ house (father side). Mom just called him to inform him but she didn’t mention the exact message. She said Tito Dan told her he was already looking forward to going to their place tomorrow. She said he sounded disappointed.

I am terribly…lost.

I can’t help but think that every family has their Sackville-Bagginses.

Random Thoughts

Our eyes are made of glass. They crack at witnessing every moment of truth. And finally they break. Soon the blood gushes from our eyes as we blink them away, refusing to believe that we feel the pain inside. We are rebels against our own hearts…for to hear the bells that so beautifully ring, the downfall is graceful and endless.

Rave against feeling and sight. Eat all that is offered; refuse not a single ounce of spineless love and malignant lie. Remember that the world is beautiful beneath man’s feet. Life is like a river of gold, glinting of promises, cleansing and revitalizing.

Defeat is shame upon my cheek…and I am a fool to wear it hidden behind an unseen cloak.

December 16, 2001 - Sunday

Aunt Linda sent Book 1 and 2 of the Harry Potter series! I’m at a loss for words. To think, we’re not close and already…I feel like she’s one of the few relatives I have whom I can have a special bond with. Thanks.

December 19, 2001 - Wednesday

We went to BF yesterday to get my yearbook. I went to National Bookstore and Powerbooks to get Tin a little something and me a little something and to glimpse the preview of The Lord of the Rings. I bought The Hobbit.

If only I could open a black hole to visit Middle-Earth, I would. The only time I’ve visited such a place was in dreams that didn’t last very long. I am overwhelmed with desire to have a quest like Bilbo’s or Frodo’s.

I’ve begun to understand why Mama is the way that she is and why during her birthday, she was the one who gave gifts (very much like a good-natured hobbit). I’ve only begun to understand that this is because she’s never been wholly happy in her entire life and perhaps making other people happy gives her her share of happiness. I reckon that’s the only time she feels most complete.

There’s a part of me that pities her. But more than half of me exude with love for her. Because her attempts to disguise herself are anything but successful.

I want to take her pain away. I want to heal her of the wounds that had never closed. I want to shower her with gifts money can never buy. But I can’t do much except love her and hope in a way my love for her would compensate for all the tribulations she’s gone through.

Random Thoughts

I have never felt this way for such a long time that I am surprised at how I feel. I feel a great dislike for the world today. ‘I want adventure in the great wide somewhere.’ I want to be on a quest to overthrow a force of evil and even though not quite sure if my abilities would qualify me as a worthy person, my heart beats ever faster at the prospect of daring a new place…a new life. I want to live many years and look back seeing that I lived it to the fullest. I want to draw a mighty sword and give a thundering battle cry. I want to feel the meadows and streams and rocks beneath my feet. I want to feel the sun and the stars and the moon and the clouds above me.

Basically it’s Tolkien’s work that started in me this maddening thrive for adventure. I want to be an elf-lord or a lost princess or a river nymph or a giant tree or an elf-queen or a worthy servant or a gallant horse.

I can’t sleep tonight…

…For even the faeries at night need light.

The yearbook brings fond memories. Yet the pang grows a little more every day.

There is a great moment stirring in me. I am one of a lost kind, bearing an endless song.

I am a person of immeasurable dreams. And I am not ashamed of it.

For these dreams madden me with desire to make them come true.

I am afflicted with despair yet I am overflowing with hope.

There is no surrender.

As long as the faces around me remain long, the eyes remain hopeful, the voices remain cheerless and the laughter remains empty, I will be on an endless quest to bring back the treasure of my people they lost long ago…

…Faith.

December 20, 2001 - Thursday

I slept round 3AM and woke up around 7AM. Mama left early, telling me that she’d only make a phone call and soon come back. When she returned, she woke Mom up bearing news. She said she called Ate and she was welcomed warmly. She said that Ate had invited her over for Christmas Eve until Christmas. Mom and I rejoiced because, at long last, they would finally reconcile with one another.

May the Lord bless them and help them work things out for the better.

I had a haircut at the parlor my cousin works at. The place was nice and cozy.

December 22, 2001 - Saturday

Kuya Pangga and Ate Abbie accompanied me to BF, to Tin’s party. I can’t help but feel extremely happy, seeing my friends again. They gave me Christmas gifts. Er…I wasn’t able to get them anything because of certain reasons. But it was extremely sweet of them.

We went to Coco’s place afterwards. John was a bit down. He seemed present, living the moment but…floating in a remote level of feeling and thought.

Karen and I exchanged a few words and I felt glad because we were able to talk as well as any good friends. We used to have a gap because of Brady etc. but it’s nice to know we’re over that. She reminds me of John because she’s very nice to talk to.

When majority of our friends went home, John and Coco started doing comic stunts like singing er…’songs’ with interpretations. The place was flying with Denise’s gifts for the boys.

It got very cold soon so I borrowed Pat’s polo for a while.

After the Simbang Gabi (er…which we didn’t finish), we had a chat during breakfast. After several odd observations of the Filipino/English translation of things, we were soon laughing and finally a bit over our sleepiness. When food once more occupied our attention, Coco’s dog howled in the background. John, staring into nothingness, spoke his thought aloud, “Ang asong Nauulol…Sa umaga.” We were all stunned and soon laughing again when Karen remarked, “Parang pelikula ah.”

I’m still thinking about how Coco feels. Men aren’t the only ones breaking and trampling hearts pitilessly. Some women break hearts, too. But let’s not blame a person for hurting another. There are many reasons why these things happen and I still strongly believe (like Keng) that if things don’t turn out the way we want them to, it’s because something better is heading our way.

Random Thoughts

I remember something someone once said. ‘I am a fraud and a liar.’ Perhaps I should be more honest with myself. Maybe through honesty, I’ll be able to recuperate (successfully) from the past.

Seeing Ivan there was a stabbing reminder. He went to Coco’s place after Tin’s party. And we exchanged a ‘Hey’ and ‘How are you’. Curious…hmm. I saw him standing by his car, cigarette stick in hand, talking with some of our friends. Not that I’m ‘anybody’ in his life to have any say on what he wants to do. It just…caught me off guard. Let’s just say he’s not exactly in my list of likely people getting the hang of cigarettes.

Soon, he was leaving. He was about to walk towards his car when he stopped in front of me and asked me with his familiar smile regarding how I would commute. I told him somebody would pick me up early in the morning. Still smiling, he nodded in comprehension. Then we hugged our good-byes.

It was normal for the whole family (Embryo). Everyone kissed the air beside everyone’s cheeks and hugged when they’ve just arrived and when they’re about to leave. There was nothing different about the way he kissed and hugged Dawn (Ahem…I like for you to be still) or Denise.

Except that when it was our turn to say goodbye to one another…

…There was a sudden spark of great pain in me.

We backed off, returning to our places.

…

Even now, as I wander around in our flat, unconscious of what is occurring…his presence continues to linger in my arms…his breath upon my cheek…the echo of his farewell in my ear.

I am maddened with hatred for this feeling.

…The most difficult thing about loving him is…

…I cannot lose someone who was never mine.

Fool…

...A fool graced by the evanescent shadow of affection…

Later

Mom is saying all sorts of things about how I don’t love her and how I may be thinking she’s not a good mother because of her lack of education. I grow tired of this repetitive pain she inflicts. She kidded me about someone with a simple word, “Breakup?”, conveying the message that he and I broke up or something similar. I became silent for quite some time because it was a touchy subject. When she asked why I seemed like in a bad mood, I told her with a sad smile, “Because of the word “Breakup”.

I didn’t mean it as a personal grudge against her. I loathe the word…the word and the word alone. But it seemed that my answer wasn’t enough to convince her that I love her and I despise the word. It’s a touchy subject for me because breaking up means parting ways. And just thinking of our parted ways…Ivan’s and mine…without so much as goodbye…I become numb. When I was telling her about my friends…I was actually giving her an idea about how I was feeling the same way they were. I was actually telling her that I am heart-broken because stupid as it sounds and stubborn as I am, I still love Ivan even if he doesn’t love me in return.

Then she started talking about how she’s never done anything right in her entire life. There are no words fit to describe how hurt I am because it’s untrue. I am enraged with pain from her sharp words. I love her truly and will never dare to fight back or hurt her unintentionally or intentionally. And for her to think so many things…for her to dislike my friends who have loved her from afar as a mother…for me to hear words that would bruise any soul and make me remember Kitkat’s “Don’t make mountains out of molehills.”

I am enveloped in teardrops. Because she is my mother and she is being honest and she loves me and she thinks all sorts of stuff about me that I wouldn’t even dream about…because my heart loves her ten times greater with every teardrop she sheds.

It is better to be silent…while this vision of myself keeps repeating in my mind. I am falling, falling from a great height.

Later

Mom said she had a nightmare. That Mama walked in the flat, panicked, telling her I was missing. So Mom started yelling out my name. But she didn’t find me.

The night calls out my name.

December 23, 2001 - Sunday

We’re on speaking terms again. I can’t help but realize that mom is a true person…a real woman…as unpredictable as the weather. But I love her more because there’s no one else like her. Mom, you mean everything to me. I love you.

Random Thoughts

Aladdin’s line in a particular song in the third sequel made my heart swell with familiarity:

‘You don’t understand. There is so much that you don’t see.

Just think if you can what growing up had to be like for me.

Your father’s a man who taught you who you are…

…Mine was never there.

So how can you say…I don’t come out of thin air?’

More

Mama’s leaving tomorrow because she’s going to spend the holiday with Ate Odette. I’m very happy for her. I hope God blesses them all.

December 24, 2001 - Monday

The night is so beautiful. I just came home from Cavite with Mom.

We visited Lola and picked up what Dad sent me.

Loneliness…a cry from the wells of my soul.

December 25, 2001 - Tuesday

Almost everybody in the family (mother side) is persecuting us because of vehement lies. But no matter what they say, I won’t retaliate. Because I know better that I’m not the person they think I am.

I’m going to apply for a job in January. I hope I get accepted. If I don’t, well, tough.

My heart is fluttering.

I want to seek the cause of my half-emptiness…

Sublime voices are lifting me up to the light…

But I am falling.

December 27, 2001 - Thursday

It’s 7:30 AM and I just woke up. I don’t usually wake up this early but I did and it’s because of Mom’s near bursting out of hurt and pain from what her sibling had done.

Based on what I’ve heard, she was able to pit everyone against everyone…

*Sigh*

The Lord is our sole judge and He will not let his people become oppressed.

December 28, 2001 - Friday

I’m about to go to Glorietta to check out some books and other things.