A Look Back: 2002 (Con't.) Rifts

Another day that God is smiling upon.

Another day to expect miracles.

Another day to remember God is on my side.

There is good, after all, in looking back. It strikes me funny that there were situations in the past wherein I was wiser than the person I am now. It's undeniable, though, that the experiences in the past paved the way for the situations in the present to be more understandable.

Some heartaches render you helpless to the point that you realize it's the perfect time for you to let God drive the car. It's the perfect time to realize that you have to let go of the steering wheel and just let somebody who knows the road better to drive you to your destination.

A wise woman told me that in any given situation, one must not expect anything, so as not to get hurt.

That's not right.

I expect miracles.

September 3, 2002 - Tuesday

I mailed Ms. Lhou and asked if she wanted to join R.O.L.E. I’m praying that she’ll be interested. Dad sent me my allowance today. Thanks Pop.

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An earthquake occurred between 10:29-10:31 PM. The first words I said were, ‘Oh God, Mie.’ (Mie for Mommy). My heart is still pounding.

September 7, 2002 - Saturday

We’ve spent the last few days trying to establish our downlines in the network. Mom and I slept at Ate’s place the other night. She was insisting we stay there longer but we simply couldn’t. Everything’s just wonderful with the family.

The only disappointing thing that happened to me was I got stuck in traffic that’s why I wasn’t able to accompany Der. We were supposed to watch a performance at the CCP.

I really really feel bad about how things turned out. I feel bad about letting her down.

September 8, 2002 - Sunday

I’ve just finished reading The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. I was in third/fourth grade when I first read it. It is simply moving. Parang The Alchemist ni Paulo Coelho.

I bought The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry and The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

September 9, 2002 - Monday

Today, Ate Abbie brought me to Drysdale. I was already inside when I learned that we were applying formally for work. They interviewed us separately. I messed up a little. If I don’t get accepted, I’d be happier because I’d be able to watch Samurai X and Inu-Yasha. I bought The Hound of the Baskervilles by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Tess of D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy.

Mom bumped into Epy Bata this afternoon. She’s Sonny Aguda’s wife. Sonny Aguda is the father of Alirez and Maan, Ms. Beth’s daughters. We learned so many things about Ms. Beth. And it hurts us, Mom and I, to know that Dad doesn’t entirely know what he’s gotten into. He is my father and I know that if I interfere, I would get in the way of his happiness. But I believe in the power of prayer. I have faith that the Lord will keep watch over my father and guide him

September 10, 2002 - Tuesday

I’ve just finished reading The Great Gatsby by F. S. Fitzgerald. What a tragic ending. If I were a character in that novel, I would be Gatsby himself. The part about having one dream all your life sort of made me ponder.

Later

I feel distressed over matters of which I am not entirely certain if they should concern me. There is the matter of the family and reuniting people who stubbornly refuse to reconcile. There is the matter of attending functions that are advantageous only they are entirely in the line of my simple happiness. There is the matter of realizing time every single moment every day and night.

It seems as if suddenly, time has made itself more manifest to me. There seems to be a lack of time for doing everything correctly. I want to contribute for the good of the family and in saying this; I mean repairing whatever bond there used to be.

Only now do I doubt if I should be doing what I am doing. Everyone seems to have lost interest, lost…hope in ever being a family again. As one family member once said, ‘Everyone has his own life to live, his own family to concern himself with.’

*Sigh*

I am lost. Even the colors I invent and reinvent cannot express how I feel.

I am in networking. I also applied for Drysdale.

For consecutive Wednesdays we’ve been praying at Baclaran for assistance in everything we do. I asked the Lord’s help so that we might be able to settle our financial troubles.

The Lord graciously answered our prayers by helping us join a business.

What bothers me is not how things have turned out.

On the contrary I am very deeply impassioned because the Lord loves us very much.

*Sigh*

What makes me feel uncomfortable is dealing with matters of finance. I do not want to deal with money for it buys only temporal happiness. It cannot quench my soul because my soul desires what is beyond it. Only the Lord Jesus can make me truly and entirely happy.

I humbly prayed for the Lord to lead me where He sees me fit, to provide for all of us that which we deserve and what we deserve only.

More

Things are very odd.

We went to Lolo’s grave today and prayed for his soul. Today’s his death anniversary.

Something’s not right with things. Nevertheless we believe in the Lord’s presence in our lives.

More

I’ve just had a glimpse at the TV. Mom’s been watching the news. There was a bomb threat today at the British embassy. They were showing what happened there and as I watched, I felt as if I’ve already seen everything. Now more than ever, I am sure I dreamt of what happened. Even the men passing through the metal detector. Even the man who seemed to be vacuuming the underside of a car.

September 14, 2002 - Saturday

I received several text messages from Ate.

“Sis wat news kay ma2? bgla din ako nagwori kc kay uncle bka inatake s mga snbi ko. kc mainit ulo ko pg gcing ang aga2 kc tmwag din n ma2 kya sira araw ko nun” 14:50:14

I told her I didn’t have any news also because Mama hasn’t visited for the past two-three days.

Then she said.

“Nku knkbhan n tlaga ako. dat day kc ung nkausap ako n ma2 na ngkta na cla n boni. lam nyo b no. s pasay? bka ano pgawa n flora kay ma2 s galit.” 14:58:02

I replied.

The conversation ended with my message saying that if ever something comes up I’ll text her right away.

Later this evening we texted again. She sent me business cards (numbers that Mama used in calling her) and told me to call them up. I did. No one was answering with the first number she sent me. But someone answered the second number. After greeting ‘good evening’ I asked if there was a Mr. or Mrs. Malto residing there.

In asking this I was thinking that perhaps a relative of Mama owns the number she used in calling Ate Odette up. But the man simply said, ‘Wala.’ I thanked him and hung up.

Then I texted Ate saying that my efforts were fruitless and that perhaps the second number used was a public (pay) phone. I then asked what kind of threat there was for Mama from F.

She then answered.

“D k maintndhan e. kc sbi nya bsta ayokong maiskandalo c bosing ko at pg nyari un ewan ko? usually kc tmtwag na s kin yan lagi.cyempre bka ano gawin nla ky ma2.” 21:03:49

We conversed for a while through text messaging. I told her that the fire should’ve been extinguished from the very roots. Finally I told her to relax and to remember the power of prayer.

Her last message is…

“ok tnx sis. sori s istorbo ha, ingat kau n mmy. sa mnday s bhay kau tlog para sa tues. sbay2 n tau punta s skul n tta julie.” 21:19:22

Extra

Someone texted me last August 20. I do not know who owns the number and when I called it up, the person who answered me seemed irritated because according to her, ‘they’ were in the middle of a prayer meeting.

85290156424 (the number)

The message…

“HAPI…HAPI, B-DAY I WISH U HAVE MORE B-DAY TO COME.”

September 15, 2002 - Sunday

Ate just texted me through Ate’s cel. Ate’s very worried for Mama just as we are. Ate called up and I passed the phone to Mom after we talked for a while. Then Mom and Ate talked. Ate was crying on the phone.

So I replied.

I’ll add here one text message I received from Ate Nine last June 21, 2002, 22:24:56

“Ok lng.sn dumting yung time n mkpgusp tyong dlw lng.”

September 16, 2002 – Monday

Ate has just texted me.

“Sis tmwag na c ma2. nkausap k cya. maga daw paa nya kya d mkalakad. sbi ko tmwag dyan sa inyo. Im ok na. c u l8r.”

*Whew* What a relief…

September 17, 2002 - Tuesday

It’s Gian’s birthday today. From Ate’s place, we proceeded to Punta to meet Tita Julie’s co-teachers. Ate presented the business marketing plan and I regret to say that I was not of any help in her orientation. Especially when she was being asked so many questions all at once. Hope my Ates forgive me.

We rushed home and had an accident on the road. The Lord was watching over us.

September 19, 2002 - Thursday

Mom and Kuya Chris have been arguing. He called up because Kaye told him things that Mom didn’t say. He even said that he didn’t set up a meeting with me before (May 1 and previous entries). BAKIT GANUN? ANG SAMA SAMA NG LOOB KO, NAIIYAK NA AKO. WALA NAMAN KAMING SINASABING GANUN.

Later

Kaye called Auntie Del over the phone and told her that she wasn’t the one who said all those things about the networking. She said it was all Ate Abbie’s fault.

More

I have no peace of mind as long as I am here…as long as I am near the family I loved…the family that has long pretended to love me in return. It is unfortunate enough that all my friends have revolved and I have not. It is worse that I have not a family to embrace me.

I trust the designs of the Lord and He will not let me be so unhappy for long. He knows how I used to be, how cold and malevolent I used to be. It was during the time when I felt as if there was absolutely nothing else to be happy for.

It was as if I had a beautiful painting of life and it betrayed me. I thought I was loved but I was wrong. And it led me to so much anger that I could hardly refrain myself from turning into the epitome of rage.

Now, the events are happening once more in a different format. The only difference between then and now is the fact that I have become the Lord’s servant every moment of my life. I cannot chase away my sadness because it is only natural to feel hurt when you have devoted yourself into loving every member of the family only to find out that they cannot love you back. It is truly painful.

Nevertheless, what pain begins, faith ends.

May the Lord witness how I will not be moved by trials…only my love for Him moves me.

Everything is His dwelling place.

September 20, 2002 - Friday

Pop’s text message:

‘Of course nman, hndi uuwi c ppa pag wlang PS2 I LOVE YOU.’09:24:15

September 28, 2002 - Saturday

We’ve been spending the past days with Ate. Actually we were going to visit for a day or two only. Unfortunately I suffered from a sudden case of measles. Ate provided my medicine. They took me to the doctor and I was advised to stay inside the house for 4-5 days. While I was recovering, Mom’s kidney began to ache. Then she suffered a painful attack right around the kidney area. She was crawling when we were able to finally convince her to go to the hospital with us. At the hospital, her blood and urine were examined. The result was that her blood was infected and her urine had traces of occult blood. She’s scheduled for a KUB-IVP on Monday to confirm what she has. During the entire time that we were there, her pain was eased by the IV medicines they gave her.

Things are better. We went home for a while to get more things, clothes, etc. I was carrying Gian for a couple of minutes wherein suddenly Aunt Del came out of nowhere and took the child from me. Tears threatened to come out from my eyes. But I bit my lip and kept my distress inside. I truly love the child and it hurt me that she took him away from me as if taking a box or a bundle of clothes from me.

The sadness in me is growing…gripping me until its hold is choking me and I am on the verge of tears. But tears result to more tears. I am brave because there is a great need for me to be brave.

But rain does not only fall from the sky.

MoreSeptember 12, 2002 - Thursday

A Look Back: 2002 (Con't.) The Spiritual Self

I have been reading various books since I woke up this morning. So many beautiful and interesting concepts. Toy chest, hope chest, comfort chest/drawer. I'm very excited to start. I found myself sitting in the living room, cutting out pieces of pictures from magazines and pasting them in my organizer.

Life is full of positive and negative energy. To harness positive thoughts, one is on the path to being a victor in life. I read an interesting piece of advice today, written by Norman Vincent Peale but the deed was shared only to him by another. He said he had cut a card and placed it in his wallet and whenever he felt troubled or needed to make an important decision he would take out the card and read whichever side would come up first. On one side was written, "Expect a miracle" while on the other side was written, "God is on your side".

This is truly remarkable. Because both reminders communicated one thing. When you have God on your side, you can expect miracles to happen.

As I was churning the thought in my head, I prayed silently in my heart. Expect a miracle. Expect a miracle. God is on your side.

For some odd reason, I suddenly had the urge to text a friend about another friend. My heart was hammering in my chest the entire time I was waiting for a reply, nevertheless, I waited patiently.

Soon came the reply. And I felt as if a gush of warm water flowed from the top of my head to the very tip of my toes. I had been praying for God's miracle to start on rather a very challenging mission. Whenever I would lose the strength to believe that it could ever come real, I kept remembering that when Jesus was living, he himself had said in Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." I have been asking and He had heard my prayer.

I keep praying it will continue, this reformation that seems so colossal to others yet so minute to such a magnificent God. God is word after all. As soon as said, it is as good as done.

Delving into the past once more...

August 4, 2002 - Sunday
I took the UPCAT yesterday. We were the first to arrive at Malcolm Hall. The test was so difficult that I wouldn’t be surprised if I fail. Nevertheless, I feel extremely enlightened.

When you trust everything to the Lord, nothing worries you anymore. When you count your blessings in life instead of spending time thinking about the difficult trials, everything glows with a natural beauty.

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Hmm, a Chinese guy who was also taking the UPCAT (means if he passes he’ll also start second semester this year) got my attention. He looked at everything around him in such an apprehensive way that I felt a strong urge to make him feel comfortable in the setting.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to talk to him because the proctors began to lead us to our respective seats. After the exam, I told Mom about it and I was surprised to know that Mom actually got to stand beside him and she pitied him because according to her, there was this girl who, hurrying, bumped into him but didn’t bother to apologize. The guy only continued to look as if he was in a trance, smiling absentmindedly.

I had lunch with Ten and we had a very nice conversation. It was nice to know that we shared the same feelings regarding our friends.

August 7, 2002  - WednesdayI’ve been very preoccupied lately by trivial matters. Before anything else, Mama bought me a birthday present. LOTR!

It was really nice of her. Mom bought me a birthday present last month. I promised myself I wouldn’t watch it, not until I’m through with the UPCAT. I’ve kept my promise. I’ve been having loads of fun watching the Star Wars Trilogy.

I am so fortunate to have the love of two wonderful mothers. Their gifts were heartwarming but I am profoundly happier with simply having their presence in my life.

When Mama gave me the film, there was a free poster along with it. It was a picture of Elijah Wood with a smaller picture of Frodo and Sam at the bottom (right corner).

Now that I think of it the things I’ve done were silly, true, but I don’t regret doing any of them. It seems insanity to admit your true feelings for a person but it doesn’t really seem that way to me, especially when you’ve accepted right after falling in love how big is the possibility of not being loved in return. This sort of point of view sets you apart. It sets you free. It makes you transcend the boundaries of your own feelings. It is agony to love alone but it is also joy to love without expectations.

I am surviving the foolishness of my feelings only because I have entrusted everything to the Lord. I am living only the destiny He has written for me.

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Kuya Chris arrived today. Mama confronted him. He couldn’t believe it. He said that during the entire time that he was told stuff, Ate Lai was in the backseat, ‘nagbubuyo’. The world turns in the palm of the Lord. It is no bigger than a walnut.

August 10, 2002 - SaturdayI have so many dreams and I think not one of them is impossible to reach. It is like looking at an object from different angles. I have reached some. I have yet to make some come true.

But the really inspiring thing about all these dreams is the fact that I know that the Lord is always present.

When I was young, I used to believe that Michael Jackson was my special guardian. I cannot describe it well but somehow I feel as if he has something that is similar to what I have. Michael Jackson, from the books I’ve read, used to go around and visit people at their homes to talk about God. There were many instances when people approached him and he taught them about God and His teachings. So when the rumors spread and he was prosecuted for a crime he did not commit, I was hurt because I strongly believed in his innocence.

In a distant spiritual way, the Lord always used Michael Jackson to move me. There were many instances when I’ve felt Him working in my life. Like for example, when I was younger, I used to spend hours alone in the master’s bedroom of our house in Gloria Diaz. Sometimes I’d dance and sing. Sometimes I’d write. Sometimes I’d play music and reflect on life.

During that afternoon, as I sat on the bed listening to music and thinking about life in general, I arrived at a point wherein all I could think about is my family. At that moment I felt weighed down by a feeling of emptiness, of helplessness. In my mind, I asked God to help me forget the feeling of loneliness because I felt as if I was about to burst from so much heartache.

As I sat there, waiting for nothing in particular, there was a knock on the door. Mama walked into the room with a smile on her face. Holding out her hand, I saw that she had bought me a cassette tape of Michael Jackson’s History album. I smiled at her, thanking her for her generosity. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and went out.

Opening the tape, I decided to play Tape II because I was already familiar with the songs in Tape I. Scanning the titles of Tape II I considered what was most interesting. Finally, my eyes rested on You Are Not Alone. I wondered if the song was nice. I played the Side B and as the music started, I felt something stir in me.

The lyrics felt as if they were flowing right into me, washing over me with a feeling of serenity. Smiling to myself, I silently prayed and thanked God for letting me hear such words at the time I needed to hear them most.

Another example of the Lord reaching out to me through MJ is through the dream I had when I was fourteen years old (during this time, my adoration for MJ was beginning to wane). We had classes that day and while working on some arrangement, our teacher chatted with us.

Since we were working on angels, she asked us if we knew the names of our angels. Seeing the confusion on our faces, she smiled and told us she knew the name of her angel. We began asking her in unison how.

'Before you go to sleep, do not think of anything else except your angel. Pray with all your heart. The first name that you think of when you wake up the following morning is your angel’s name.’

With that in mind, I anticipated for evening to come. Finally tucked in bed, I thought of how my angel would look like. Beautiful face. Flowing robe. Emanating light. Thinking about these details over and over again…I fell asleep.

It wasn't long before I started dreaming. I was aware of the fact that I was sleeping therefore I knew that what was happening was a dream.

I was surrounded by fog. Wanting to see what’s beyond the mist, I parted them with my hands. I was surprised to see that I was in a familiar hallway. I was in our house (at Panlilio). Suddenly, I heard a commotion, coming from our living room. There was a huge crowd gathered there, including my family.

Then I heard a familiar voice shouting amidst the din, ‘She’s still asleep! She’ll wake up soon.’ I realized the person who shouted was referring to me. Then another person began to speak, straining to be heard amidst the noise.

‘I need to see her. She’s my friend. I need to see her.’

Unable to contain my curiosity, I began to work my way through the crowd. Reaching the gap in the middle of the crowd, I gasped, unable to believe my eyes. MJ was standing right in front of me. In the three years that I’ve looked up to him, there was never an instance wherein I’ve dreamt of him. Then when my adoration for him was beginning to wane, he showed up in my dream.

‘Michael?,’ I whispered, barely able to speak, ‘Wha--? Michael Jackson? How come you’re here? How come you know who I am?’

He greeted my amazement with a loving smile.

‘I can’t answer your questions. Right now, I just need to give you something important.’   

‘What is it?’ I asked, confused.   

He embraced me. Suddenly, all those years of loneliness, despair, pain and frustration melted away. I began to cry, overwhelmed by the feeling of peace that finally settled in me. He had comforted me.

‘Don’t cry. I’m here,’ he said, beginning to pull away, ‘I need to go. I just came to see you and now I have to leave.’

My tears continued to flow. He smiled. ‘Don’t cry. I’ll be around.’

Suddenly mist gathered and enveloped the entire scene, including the crowd that fell silent during our whole conversation.

I found myself opening my eyes and seeing the real world, able to remember the entire dream. Feeling peaceful, I smiled to myself and inaudibly whispered the first name that came to mind.

‘…Michael…’

Real as these experiences were, some people might think they’re silly. I am not surprised with those who would think this way. Nevertheless, everything in one’s life happens for a purpose. And if going through these things paved the way for my betterment as a person and as a servant of God, then I believe that MJ became one of the many instruments used by God to inspire me to live this life.

August 15, 2002 - Thursday
Just read my mail.

Random Thoughts
If I were to express myself through painting, it would be in abstract art. Art is art. Do you ever wonder how the sea is able to contain the whole universe, be it day or night? We are reflections of one another. The universe may be vast from one point of view.

When I write, it becomes small and I can caress it in the palm of my hand. It's wondrous. It is truly beautiful. Everything that was created is sublime. When there is darkness, there is light. When there is measurement, there is conclusion. Distance can be measured. And I love this truth because when there is measurement, there is a beginning and an end. Therefore no matter how far I am from what I love, I know that the distance can be conquered.

How I love what cannot change! Only, it does not exist because there is no such thing as permanence. Love dies. Love begins. I am traveling without leaving or going. Exploring. Being led by music to everywhere. Who is there to share who I am? The wind is answering me. I am writing because I can understand what it is saying. Speaking in the universal language.

My beach. Sand. It is calling out to me. Asking me to sing without words. And I am humming because I love it. The moon is in my eyes. Dreaming without slumber.

Someone is walking along the shore. I am moved to smile because I am familiar with the person. He is drawing me in the sand. And as soon as he is finished, the waves steal the drawing away. But he is still there. His footprints are immeasurable. No fear. The drawing has faded. I am still there.

August 16, 2002 - FridayI’ve just finished watching Emergency. A man with Buerger’s disease was featured and it was not long before I realized I have seen him before. I have dreamed about him. Exact face. Exact colors. Exact shapes. I keep dreaming about scenes in the future. I wonder if anyone else dreams about the future frequently.

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Lola arrived. It’s Tito Nonoy’s birthday today. We ate lunch at Kuya Pajing’s house on the first floor. Then Lola asked me to text Dad and remind him to greet Tito Nonoy. Kuya Pajing texted him also, reminding him about some cd. Then he started to ask Dad how much a DVD player costs. I took the opportunity to ask Dad how much a playstation 2 costs because I told him what Ten told me; that PSII is more affordable outside of the country.

He kidded around, saying ‘1by1 lang, inaatake na ako ng nerbyos.’ Then he told me that the PSII costs $300. He asked me also to find out how much it costs here in the Philippines and text it back. I told him I was interested in PSII because of KingdomHearts (cool new game from Squaresoft) then I told him it costs about $250 here (I even added that even though I’m 18 I’m still a kid). He replied, ‘That’s better. Don’t worry by next month I’ll send it to you. Promise.’

I was so overwhelmed with Dad’s gesture that I told him I love him repeatedly, thanking him and everything. He couldn’t help pointing out that I was sipsip. I replied I love him.

It’s really nice to have this kind of relationship with Dad.
It’s really nice to have the same relationship with Mom.

I’m a lucky kid.
I love them.   

August 20, 2002 - TuesdayIt’s my birthday today. Lots of people greeted me. Kuya Pangga and his friend even paid me a visit. Thank you everyone.

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The Beatles really made great music. Lord, thanks for keeping watch over everyone today.

August 21, 2002 - WednesdayI just found out that PS2 costs about 19k, modified and everything. I feel bad about telling Dad the wrong information. Nevertheless, if he chooses not to buy me one, I would understand. Life is simple. I am me.

August 24, 2002 - SaturdayLola just called me up. She said Ms. Beth called her up. And I think Dad also called her up. They’re all asking if I’m already in school. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for them to understand that I’m still waiting for the results of the exam and I’m still about to try for DLSU again.

I have a strong faith. But I am honest enough to admit the truth that the people around me are putting so much pressure on me. Ever since I wasn’t able to continue my studies, I’ve felt so disappointed with myself. It’s primarily because I have failed the expectations of my loved-ones. If they felt disappointed with me, imagine how much more disappointed I was with myself. I should not expect a single word of confidence…of consolation…but my human heart longed for it.

I don’t want to write everything Lola said. All I know is that I am faceless in a crowd. Not one can see my face. I feel foolish. I keep putting my trust in people…but I keep ending up disappointed.

Nevertheless, there’s a reason for all that I am facing. I will be strong to inspire others.

Another poignant night to embrace…

August 26, 2002 - MondayToday is Kaye’s first day of work. Mom and I took turns to help Aunt Del with Gian. I put Gian to sleep for his afternoon nap.

Mama called this morning. She was nearly run over in Pasay. She said she was disoriented after she had a conversation with Ate's Dad. He called her vile names and told her so many painful things that it was simply impossible for her not to cry. After Mom and Mama talked, Mom decided to call Ate. Mom began to cry as soon as she heard her voice because she began crying on the other line as well, saying how much she loves Mom and how much she wishes to talk to her in person with the exception of Mama. They will try to talk later. Ate said she would try call at the store near our house.

Thank God for making Mom an instrument of peace.

August 28, 2002 - WednesdayWe met with Ate yesterday. We were very excited to see her. She helped Mom join the network she was working in. I’m going to help her as much as I can. We all discussed about things. It’s a good thing they finally learned the truth about things. About Aunt Josie, Kuya Gani, etc. It’s such a wonderful blessing to have her in my life again.

I mailed Dad. I explained to him why I didn’t inform him about my taking the UPCAT, etc. Then I explained how since my allowance didn’t arrive on schedule, I wasn’t able to process my application in time. I’d be processing my application for third sem, which will be on November according to the man I’ve spoken to at the admissions.

Then at the very end I told Dad how I’ve always tried to be a good daughter to him and how I will always be faithful to my responsibilities as a daughter. I told him not to worry too much about my studies because I believe the Lord has plans for us. I asked him to pray for me so that I would pass the UPCAT. But if I don’t, it’s the Lord’s will.

Thanks for everything that’s happening in our lives.

More
I can’t attend the birthday celebrations of my friends because I don’t have my allowance therefore I don’t have any gifts or semi-formal clothes. I can’t be there for the people who’ve always been here with me.

I am so depressed and there’s nothing to make me feel better. My silence is ever profound. I am detached from the real world and although I allowed it to happen, don’t want to accept it. I want to belong but even in the company of my friends, I can’t seem to fit in. It’s not their fault. It’s mine. I simply don’t know how. It’s not because I’m not trying. If I weren’t trying I wouldn’t be going to the various meetings we’ve had over the past year since we’ve graduated. But even in my efforts, I can’t bridge the gap between reality and me. What I have are my dreams. They’re keeping me alive. When I feel like a gaping hole is about to engulf me, I dream and survive.

Is there dignity in this procedure?
Is there courage in admitting fear, pain, depression, and carelessness…?
Is it folly to sing heartrending songs to no one?

I am dancing in rhythm with the universe and swaying…ever so slowly to fall…to rise again…and fall…and rise once more…

Is there honor in admitting failure…?

Is it obsession to continuously feel agony when you know all the efforts you make to aid a friend from going astray are futile…?

There is no surrender. Only passion to continue.   

August 30, 2002 - FridayAunt Linda sent some books, all inspirational and I’ve just finished reading two Guideposts mags. I’ve just started reading The God of All Comfort by Hannah Whitall Smith. It’s startlingly factual. God incarnated Himself in Christ therefore Christ is a revelation of God.

I’ve tried sharing what I’ve read with Mom but just as I was starting, she interrupted and said something about not accepting anything other than what is written in the Bible and that the Bible is covered in mystery that no person can comprehend it unless God chooses to reveal its mystery to the person He has chosen.

I understand and completely agree with what she said so I tried to tell her that I agree only I think the woman who wrote the book had a point about Jesus Christ but she continued to talk and I could no longer interrupt her with my opinion. Then she got irritated with me, telling me that when I explain myself, I should control my temper. I told her it’s not temper because I’m not angry, I’m only passionate because of my conviction. Then she told me to control my passion.

*Sigh*

‘Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup. They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe. Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind, possessing and caressing me…
    …Nothing’s gonna change my world…nothing’s gonna change my world…’
More
In my previous entry I had many questions. It’s as if the Lord heard me and we received a box of inspirational books, one of which is beginning to answer my questions. Dios Ti Agnina.

August 31, 2002 - SaturdayYesterday I was busy all day making ends meet. Trying to convince Tita Julie to have an audience with us was a nice challenge. I remember having told her, ‘So how about it Tita? An audience with Ate and me might be the very thing you need to be reassured that our company is efficient and reliable.’

When she agreed, that’s when I realized how good it felt to win someone’s trust. The Lord truly listens to our prayers.

Aside from Tita Julie, I also tried convincing Tito Ronald, Jico and Pam. Pam and Jico were very generous in saying they’d help me out by looking for people who are interested. Tito Ronald was the one who was very enthusiastic. We’re already setting up a meeting next week. I hope the Lord’s blessing go with us.

Anyway, today we met up with Tita Julie. When we arrived at her house, she told us to eat dinner first because she said she knew we were already hungry. She cooked spaghetti with white sauce. It was really good (I love pasta!). Ate Laila explained the company. Soon Ate and Kuya Jes mingled with us and we talked about operations, cancer, etc.

Tita Julie said she would sign up on Wednesday because she doesn’t have enough money yet because her taxi broke down. And the next time we come back, she would bring some of her friends so that they can listen to the presentation also. Dios Ti Agnina.

Mom also brought along some of the things Aunt Linda sent for Ate and Ate Lai.

When we got home, Ate thanked Mom for everything.

More
Dad texted me. Actually I texted him yesterday, asking him if he had already read the e-mail I sent. He said he was quite busy but he’ll read it soon. Then he said he was pleased because he’s been working hard lately and my message gave him the rest he wanted. I was touched. I told him to take it easy because he might get sick. Then I asked him if I could have a little extra in my allowance because I needed to have my teeth checked.

Then he said something about, ‘Sayang, meron pa naman Lion dito.’ (Lion Chocolate Bars are my favorite in the whole wide world!) I replied, excitedly, ‘Papa! Papa! Lion! Lion!’ Then he said, ‘Doctor’s advice. Kapag ok na anak’. I was a little bit disappointed but I understood that it’s also for my own good. Then I said good night, love you, miss you and take care. I also added, ‘Mom and I are always praying for you.’ He replied, ‘Thanks take care u 2’.

Then this morning I received his gud pm text (delayed). He said he sent me 9k for my teeth. I thanked him, told him I love him and wished him a good day. Thanks Dad.

Lord…
    ‘If I never knew you, if I never had this love…I would have no inkling of how precious life can be.
    And if I never held you, I would never have a clue how at last I find in you the missing part of me.
    In this world so full of fear, full of raging lies…
    I can see the truth so clear in your eyes.
    …So dry your eyes.
    And I’m so grateful to you. I’d have lived my whole life through lost forever…if I never knew you.’

A Look Back: 2002 (Con’t) Relying on a Higher Power

Things in Sendai are devastating. We might not understand what God’s plans are but I pray we will all be united, steadfast in prayer and faith that His mercy for the world still stands. May the Japanese people remain strong and may this occurrence be an opportunity for our Christian brothers and sisters to share the Good News about Jesus through doing endless good deeds.

On a more personal note, I still miss him. I felt the throb of pain especially when I was sketching their faces and I needed to start with his since he was at the leftmost. Staring into that face, so many memories started flooding my mind. But I had to keep back the tears...

Yet the pain lessens everyday. Too much pain has driven me back to God’s arms, and it’s a miracle that He has accepted me again. I keep praying for the strength to endure this day by day, step by step…until I find myself whole once again…

“No one knew better than I what you’d gone through and I wanted you to stop fighting and let me fight for you.” – Gone with the Wind
July 1, 2002 - Monday
I started the rapid reading program. I hope I learn new skills soon.

July 2, 2002 - Tuesday
I find myself singing You’re Still You a lot lately. It’s really a nice song. I’ve been occupied with the rapid reading program. Hope the Lord’s blessings go with me.

I’ve just finished watching Ally Mcbeal. Too bad they’re ending the show.  Gian has been incredibly funny today. He kept squealing. It was really cute.

Mama has fallen ill. I’m praying for her speedy recovery.

Mommy cooked carrots today. They’re my favorite. She also cooked a mix of veggies that was agreeable to my palate. I’m not much of a veggie person but they were really good.

Today was a nice day. Summarizing all the things I feel as of this moment, I think today was really a good day. I was able to meet my short-term goals. Aside from that, I feel inspired. To write, to draw, to sing, to learn, to dance, to be silly, to be serious, to be everything, to do anything.

Somebody up there really loves me.

July 3, 2002 - Wednesday
Today, I browsed through my e-mail.

I can’t explain how I feel about Carla’s. She’s truly a liberated person but it’s not enough reason for her to do the things she’s doing. I told her over mail that I’m hurt because of what she’s doing. I have no right to dictate what she should do. But I do have the right to speak my mind and speak my heart.

There aren’t enough words to describe how much I worry for her…how much I’m scared for her…how much I care about how much all of these will hurt her when everything finally sinks in.

Right now, she’s probably angry with me for feeling this way.
I want to tell her I’m sorry for feeling this way. I can’t help it.

But I can only cry.
Enough words.

July 4, 2002 - Thursday
I have no regrets. I said only what I felt. The rest is up to them. To judge me if they want to or to understand me. I texted Carla last night. I told her I’m hurting not for myself but for her. I told her I’m worried out of my wits. And I finally told her I’m sorry for feeling this way but I have no regrets.

She won’t understand what I’m saying right now. But she’ll understand someday.
And when she does, I’ll be there. Not to tell her, ‘I told you so.’
But simply to say, ‘I’m here.’

Other Thoughts
I’m starting to like Kevin Bacon’s voice.

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I feel so happy today. Rica texted me and asked me to make an interpretation of her song/stuff. I told her I’ve already sent my interpretation over the net. Then after a few hours, she told me that Ivan was asking me to interpret his. Then a couple of hours later, Dianne asked me to interpret two literary thingies.

It’s such an honor to be somehow of some help to my friends.

I’m having difficulty with Math and Physics. Hope I’d get through everything just fine.

I’ve almost forgotten how attached I used to be with Michael Jackson’s music. It’s a good thing there’s MP3.

I’ve suddenly realized…it’s neat to be a poet.

July 5, 2002 - Friday
I surfed the net today. And I found out that a certain international publishing company would be holding a 3-Day Novel Writing Contest. I’ve read the mechanics and I’ve been thinking about joining. The question is ‘Can I make a novel of one hundred pages within three days?’

I really hope so. There’s like an application fee. I need some time to think about this. I haven’t even thoroughly reviewed for UPCAT. I’m beginning to lose confidence nevertheless I have to push myself to the best I can be. So that if I fail, I’ll know it’s not because I didn’t try.

July 6, 2002 - Saturday
I feel restless. I feel like there are a million things I have to do but I have no clue what they are.  Argh.

I had the strangest dream. Wendell Ramos was in my dream. What the?

July 7, 2002 - Sunday
It’s 12:18 in the morning.
  
July 8, 2002 - Monday
I am moved by the invisible majesty of everything around me.
But most of all, I am moved by music.

More
I can’t seem to write an enough detailed account here.
The rapid reading program takes up almost all my time.

July 9, 2002 - Tuesday
I e-mailed the contest I’ve been planning to join. It’s because it was stated in their rules that one who’s aspiring to join should write at exact 12:01 AM of August 31 (Saturday) and continue on until Monday. Since I am a contestant outside of Canada, I got confused with the timelines. They replied. I was actually expecting no responses because they’re probably too busy to pay me any attention but I was wrong. The reply was actually very cordial in tone. They told me that I should write on August 31st here in the Philippines. And they even wished me luck. Neat, huh?

It’s my first time joining a contest not associated with school. In my heart, I’m fervently praying. May the Lord guide me where He sees me fit.

More
I’ve told Kitkat about my plans on joining but I didn’t mention the name of the contest. It’s because I don’t really want to tell anyone yet because they’d all be expecting something wonderful from me and I don’t want that kind of pressure on my back. I haven’t even told Mom. Actually I don’t have any plans to tell her at least not until the contest is over. To God be the glory.

July 10, 2002 - Wednesday
I had an unusually nice day. We went to UP but I wasn’t able to give them my application form because I wasn’t able to complete my requirements (Ms. Amy Gan told me I was to pass an affidavit of non-enrollment in college) so I have to return there on Friday. We went to Baclaran afterwards to pray. It was heartening to be there, among the multitude of people practicing their faith.

It has been a long time since I entered the church for I have suffered the heartache of one whose expectations of the Catholic Church were failed. But never once did I stop praying to the Lord. Every morning, at night, while taking a shower, before eating, after eating, while outside, during writing.

He occupies me and I love Him for being everywhere and in everything. I did not lose touch with my faith for my quiet times with Him sustained it even more.

When I entered the Baclaran church, I felt overwhelmed at having entered a house of prayer for Him and for the blessed mother in such a long time. As we stood at the side praying silently with our minds, I noticed the image of the Lord Jesus. I gazed at it longingly as I poured out my heart in prayer. I spoke to Him about my ambitions, my heartaches, my sins, my love, my joy and everything that I’ve felt and known for the past period of time that I have not entered His church. Suddenly, the image seemed to move as I watched the hands of the Lord Jesus motioning. I could not determine whether they were simply waving slowly in the air or whether He was beckoning to me. My heart was filled with delight while my entire body seemed as if suddenly seized by wonderment, fear and longing. I decided not to tell my mother about it or anybody else for fear of how they would react. They might say I only made it up. They might say it was only my imagination.

But that moment inspired me to strive to be the best I can be as each day comes.

The Lord knows the truth. Nothing else matters.

More
My Mom and I ate our breakfast at McDonald’s. This man (he seems American) came in and started staring at me. I was feeling uneasy. I asked Mom to order another hash brown. When she returned from the counter, she had this lopsided grin. I asked her what happened. She told me that while ordering, the man who was also ordering talked to her. It seems he asked my Mom if I was my mom’s daughter and Mom said, ‘Yes.’ Then the man said, ‘She’s very maganda.’ Mom beamed and replied, ‘Thank you.’

Then we went out to deposit at PNB (UP account). But PNB wasn’t open yet so we went back to McDonald’s. We were entering at the exact same time the man was leaving. And then he said, ‘O, she’s back. Maganda’s back.’

I just smiled politely at him.

July 13, 2002 - Saturday
I had the most grueling day yesterday. We left early to go to UP to pass my application forms. But when we got there, Ms. Amy Gan said there was something wrong with the transcript and affidavit. My math average in the form137 was different from the one in the transcript while the affidavit stated that I had not been enrolled in any universities or colleges within the Philippines. Ms. Amy said what if I enrolled ‘outside’ the Philippines. So I called up Seton and asked their help. Since yesterday was the deadline, mom, Mama and I went all the way to Las Piñas to get the transcript. After we received the transcript from the Registrar’s, we went to the canteen to buy cuapao, dumplings and kuchay (this was the best part of the day).

Then we went to Taguig to ask Atty. Rommel Villahermosa (who knows almost every member of the Nola family and who amazingly looks like a cross between Sir Albert and Fanny Serrano). Then we proceeded to UP again. I finally received my test permit. The trip home was the most irritating trip of the day. I don’t even want to go into details. Except that now I know how it must feel like to be a sardine under the African sun.

But the best thing about the whole day was our perseverance, which was inspired from knowing that nothing’s going to happen that He and we together can’t handle.

July 14, 2002 - Sunday
I’ve had a splitting headache half the day that’s why I wasn’t able to practice my speed-reading for another session. Mom talked to Aunt Linda and she also got to talk to Kuya Dan and Ate Ellen. When she told me what they told her, I felt completely touched by their generosity. Mom said they hoped I would study well and if I have plans for Broadway, Kuya Dan would help me out. They even told her that I could stay at their place. Mom said they like my way of writing.

My talent comes from the Lord and I offer Him back the glory that I attain from it.

July 18, 2002 - Thursday
We went to Baclaran yesterday. As we prayed, I felt really thankful that we were spending time together in the church.

Papu and Calai lent me their notes. Thanks!
Mom bought the Star Wars Trilogy, the last three episodes. Yay! Thanks mom!

It really was a great day.

July 22, 2002 - Monday
It’s Pop’s birthday today.

I was in the middle of sending Ate Marie (Aunt Linda’s daughter) a letter yesterday when Lola called and invited Mom and me. She wanted us to meet her tomorrow (which is today) at RFC Molino. So we met her around 10 AM and we ate at McDo, singing ‘Happy Birthday’ before taking our first bite. Afterwards, we called up Dad and greeted him. He sounded groggy. Perhaps he’s just woken up. Mom greeted him. Then as Lola was conversing with him, she said something like, ‘Kasama ko ang mag-ina mo e, kasi para naman ma-celebrate naming ang birthday mo *laugh* Ok lang ba?’

Mom’s eyes met mine and we shook our heads in disbelief.

We went to BPI Zapote Branch because all of her transactions were transferred there. I waited on Mom and Lola. Afterwards, we ate at Jollibee. Then we helped Lola find a jeep home. Then Mom and I boarded a Baclaran jeep.

That’s when Mom told me about what Lola talked to her about. She said Lola wanted to make a POA for me so that if she wants to deposit something in the bank, she can just ask me to deposit. At her age, she needs someone to run errands for her. And I’d rather her trust me than a neighbor or someone else not intimate with her.

I hope all of Lola’s problems would be over soon.

I wish Dad would be so pleased with me that he’d buy me a Sony Playstation 1.

*Helpless Smile*

I’m a kid at heart.

Today was a good day. Dios Ti Agnina.

Random Thoughts
Outside of these documents, I feel like I have no right to dream…to have wishes. Other people think I should prioritize more important things (like live in reality). I just said I wish I had a Sony Playstation 1(I wrote Dad about it several times because he told me to simply write to him if I wanted anything). Then Lola said, ‘A hinde, hinde, kailangan pag-aaral muna ang asikasuhin.’

I’m not a child anymore but I’m still a child at heart. I won’t stay this way forever. So…when’s the right time to play?

I’m not expecting anything.

I guess I just want someone to let me know that I deserve at least a few things that my heart desires…

July 25, 2002 - Thursday
We went to Baclaran yesterday to pray. I feel…enlightened.
I remember Mt. 18:20

 ‘For where two or three come together in my name, I am there with them.’

My relationship with God is truly overwhelming. Life is so much more beautiful. Only my sincere and fervent love for Him makes me triumphant in my self. I am undergoing a transition once more. Several days ago I asked Mary Mother of Christ for help. And it is truly a wonderful miracle how she has heard my prayer and rescued me from my sins. She is the reason why my spirit feels light and free now.

Most people regard today’s youth as if they are hardly capable of being genuinely devoted to God. When they do discover adolescents inspired by their faith, they seem amazed.

The parable of the sower.

July 26, 2002 - Friday
I’m having terrible tummy cramps. They’re very painful. Imagine alcohol pouring unto a cut.
  
July 28, 2002 - Sunday
I went to Eloi’s party last night. Everything went okay. I talked to Calai. I was frustrated because I wanted so much to change her views but I couldn’t. I could only advise her and the rest is up to her herself. I trust her angel.

I talked to John. The way we talked felt different from the way we used to talk before. It’s an inevitable phase. I’m feeling it more than he because I’m the one who moved away from Las Piñas. When we talked last night, I could hardly think of something to say. And then to make matters worse, Dianne (who was sitting beside Karen) suddenly turned to us and asked, ‘Do you two have a romantic relationship?’ John answered no. I said no and asked why. And she just shrugged and smiling a weird smile, said, ‘Wala.’ I felt awkward. What John and I have is something that Ally and John have. And I agree with what Ally said, that not many people can have that kind of friendship and to have one is truly a blessing.

John went to the kitchen and came back with a glass of a juice. He handed it to me. I asked him what it was for because I didn’t ask him to fetch me a glass. Then I realized I was thirsty so I thanked him and set it on the table in front of me.

I’m the kind of person whose eyes roam around a room nonstop. So I saw what Karen did. As John was about to leave the room, she stopped him and sort of teased him about the glass of juice. He simply said, ‘Ano ka ba.’

A friend is a soul in two bodies *Smile*.

I wish I had gotten some sense into Calai. While gently pleading her to think otherwise, she just kept getting into a trance.

I finally asked her, ‘Doesn’t it surprise you that other people care more about you than you care about yourself?’

She stared into nothingness, smiling faintly.

I said, ‘See? That’s because you don’t know your own worth.’

Then with the same smile she answered, ‘I have a pretty good idea about what I’m worth.’

I looked at her and said, ‘No, you don’t. Because if you do, you wouldn’t be doing these things and letting those guys treat you the way they want to.’

She fell silent and I lead her outside the house to continue our conversation.

I love her truly. I feel like a big sister. I just pray for the Lord to look after her and guide her as much as possible away from the things that would only hurt her. There are big lessons to learn in life and we learn the most important ones during our painful experiences. She’s smart and I know in my heart she doesn’t have to go through something difficult to learn something important. Please send her an angel, Lord.

I had a great time talking with Ten. She and I talked about almost everything, from video games to Josh Groban to theatre to points of view about issues. It was great. We were indifferent but we kept laughing especially when we were talking about the neat video games we’ve played. I immediately felt empty as soon as she left. As soon as she left, she texted me.
 

‘Bye ate shai! Pnta ka ng debut ko ha! That’s an ordr! Hehe. Mis talkn 2 u already! Talaga! Soul mate talaga kta kero-cha! Ingat pauwi! Ü’

Then she sent me an FF9 ringtone. IT SOUNDS NEAT! I thanked her profusely and then we said goodnight.
  
As I was leaving everyone wished me good luck. I’m taking the UPCAT on Saturday.

May the Lord lead me where I can be of most service to Him.

Random Thoughts
Earlier yesterday I felt really empty. It was because I’m getting scared that if I don’t pass the UPCAT, I would let everyone down. And as I was taking my shower, I prayed the whole time, imploring the Lord Jesus to fill me up because I felt so empty. I didn’t want to cry and feel empty because every time I do, I feel as if I’m being separated from Him. I detested that feeling. I didn’t want to be separated from Him.

I solemnly told the Lord how much I trust and love Him.

Later that day, a package arrived from Aunt Linda. When Mom opened it up, it was four guidepost publications of Angels On Earth and a hardbound book entitled Angels, Miracles and Answered Prayers.

Angels, Lord.

Thanks Aunt Lyn…from the bottom of my heart.

July 29, 2002 - Monday
I’m going to take the UPCAT this Saturday. I feel all wobbly and squishy.

I’ve just realized that when I didn’t have deadlines in my life, I was happier. Like when I write my poems, novels, etc, I feel more at ease going at my own pace.

I’m able to convey my emotions in the things that I create. I hope things turn out for the best.

Later
This is crazy. I keep reviewing and reviewing and in the middle of everything I suddenly feel the urge to stop or else I feel like I would lose my mind. I keep getting distracted by so many thoughts.

They’re nice thoughts but it’s just not the time to think about them. The frustrating thing about this is I can’t seem to control my own thoughts. I’d be in the middle of memorizing complex words in English and before I know it, I’d be holding my notebook in one hand and smiling foolishly to myself.

Argh.

July 30, 2002 - Tuesday
*Sigh*

Everything is soft and effortless. Whether I will stay this way forever is up to the one who wrote my destiny. I am living today, loving to my heart’s desire.