I woke up waiting. I passed the day waiting. Evening came. And I’m still waiting.
Traveling back in time…
April 16, 2002 - Tuesday
I just woke up. Something happened to Mom a while ago while I was still sleeping. She’s just told me her ordeal. Every morning, Mom takes out the containers that belong to the man who brings them here. He leaves them here every afternoon because we don’t have enough containers for the amount of water he delivers. Anyway, he picks them up very early in the morning.
Mom went out to the corridor with them and before tying them up with straw to keep the containers together (and also to prevent anyone from ste them), she glanced at the people already awake on the floor opposite us, above us and below us. Her eyes strayed at the group on the ground floor who have been causing fear for the past few months. They also looked up at her but they didn’t intimidate her. She turned around to resume fixing the containers with the straw. As she was tying them up, she heard a noise from the ground floor. Trembling, she ducked just in time. A gunshot pierced the air. She rushed inside the house and told my Aunt and cousins who were awaken up by the noise.
April 17, 2002 - Wednesday
Mom went out to the corridor with them and before tying them up with straw to keep the containers together (and also to prevent anyone from ste them), she glanced at the people already awake on the floor opposite us, above us and below us. Her eyes strayed at the group on the ground floor who have been causing fear for the past few months. They also looked up at her but they didn’t intimidate her. She turned around to resume fixing the containers with the straw. As she was tying them up, she heard a noise from the ground floor. Trembling, she ducked just in time. A gunshot pierced the air. She rushed inside the house and told my Aunt and cousins who were awaken up by the noise.
April 17, 2002 - Wednesday
‘Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong to carry on…
…Coz I know I don’t belong here in heaven.’
I’ve been texting Rocel. I invited her to go swimming with me. It didn’t matter where. I wanted to cheer her up because the Embryo trip to Splash Island (which she has been very enthusiastic about) was cancelled. She said she swims at BFRV Clubhouse everyday and added, ‘kasi ang layo mo naman kasi…’
I know she said that without any intent of making me feel depressed but that’s what I felt at the moment. Why? Simple. Because it’s the truth. I do live far away from her. What difference will it make if I invite her to swim with me when she swims everyday? Nothing.
I feel like a great burden is pulling me down. I can’t free myself from it though I try with all my might. I feel so little…so helplessly insignificant.
This is loneliness indeed. But it is also some crude form of bliss. To love and not expect love in return. Love is not a responsibility. It’s a choice…created by free will…regardless of consequences. I am hurt in this manner but it’s not what’s important to me. I don’t care anymore about the pain stirring in me so cruelly that I cannot even produce tears to express it. What matters is that I loved them so perfectly in every way conceivable. To have grasped an opportunity to love them in this lifetime is already a blessing in itself.
The reader may now be doubtful, wondering if I am still human because to be human is to want affection in return, to expect to be loved as much, to be needed, to be wanted, to be longed for…
…Yes. It exists in me…the need to feel all these things. They are part of the human in me. But my heart has been through all kinds of circumstances that it no longer beats naturally. Rejection has played such a big part in transforming my demeanor today. Rejection, lingering sadness, a strong sense of being unfathomable, retreat to quiet solitude (as a result of being unfathomable in the simplest ways)…
…All of these influenced me in such a way that only a miracle can change who I’ve already become. And why should it not influence me? Isn’t it foolish to think that to be constantly rejected is mere coincidence? And why should I not be rejected?
John used to mark my every footstep as the footfalls of someone burdened with great pain. I thought I had concealed my inner self very successfully. But when he said those things…I could only shake my head. I am either very ineffective or he’s very perceptive.
Is it wrong to feel so sad when in truth, it was caused by the desire to be understood entirely, to be accepted unreservedly and even to be liked fondly?
Apathy…absence of empathy…
What do all these terms aim to achieve? The existence of distinction between sentiments?
*Sigh*
There is something greater than reciprocated love and you know what it is? When the love that you give is needed from you to provide. To be columns of strength. To be wings of hope. To be an inspiration…
The night grows cold…cruel with its sudden gusts of freezing air…
I’ve been texting Rocel. I invited her to go swimming with me. It didn’t matter where. I wanted to cheer her up because the Embryo trip to Splash Island (which she has been very enthusiastic about) was cancelled. She said she swims at BFRV Clubhouse everyday and added, ‘kasi ang layo mo naman kasi…’
I know she said that without any intent of making me feel depressed but that’s what I felt at the moment. Why? Simple. Because it’s the truth. I do live far away from her. What difference will it make if I invite her to swim with me when she swims everyday? Nothing.
I feel like a great burden is pulling me down. I can’t free myself from it though I try with all my might. I feel so little…so helplessly insignificant.
This is loneliness indeed. But it is also some crude form of bliss. To love and not expect love in return. Love is not a responsibility. It’s a choice…created by free will…regardless of consequences. I am hurt in this manner but it’s not what’s important to me. I don’t care anymore about the pain stirring in me so cruelly that I cannot even produce tears to express it. What matters is that I loved them so perfectly in every way conceivable. To have grasped an opportunity to love them in this lifetime is already a blessing in itself.
The reader may now be doubtful, wondering if I am still human because to be human is to want affection in return, to expect to be loved as much, to be needed, to be wanted, to be longed for…
…Yes. It exists in me…the need to feel all these things. They are part of the human in me. But my heart has been through all kinds of circumstances that it no longer beats naturally. Rejection has played such a big part in transforming my demeanor today. Rejection, lingering sadness, a strong sense of being unfathomable, retreat to quiet solitude (as a result of being unfathomable in the simplest ways)…
…All of these influenced me in such a way that only a miracle can change who I’ve already become. And why should it not influence me? Isn’t it foolish to think that to be constantly rejected is mere coincidence? And why should I not be rejected?
John used to mark my every footstep as the footfalls of someone burdened with great pain. I thought I had concealed my inner self very successfully. But when he said those things…I could only shake my head. I am either very ineffective or he’s very perceptive.
Is it wrong to feel so sad when in truth, it was caused by the desire to be understood entirely, to be accepted unreservedly and even to be liked fondly?
Apathy…absence of empathy…
What do all these terms aim to achieve? The existence of distinction between sentiments?
*Sigh*
There is something greater than reciprocated love and you know what it is? When the love that you give is needed from you to provide. To be columns of strength. To be wings of hope. To be an inspiration…
The night grows cold…cruel with its sudden gusts of freezing air…
April 19, 2002 - Friday
Mom’s been sick for the past three days. Tito Dan has recommended Celebrex for her and B12 vitamins. I think she’s anemic due to her kidney stones. All the symptoms that she’s showing right now indicate kidney failure though I pray with all my heart that I’m wrong. She’s pallid, weak and can barely stand from being so weak. Her whole body aches. The Lord is our strength.
Very weak, she woke up early in the morning and asked me what were the proper words. ‘I would just like to ask…?’ or ‘I would just like to inquire?’ I told her any of the two would do. She came back later and told me that Aunt Linda’s package has just arrived and she wanted to tell Tita Emie because Makro won’t deliver it until Tuesday. I told her ok, just take care (coz she’s still feeling dizzy) and she went out to use our neighbor’s phone. She came back a few minutes later and she had this strange expression. I asked her what happened. She said she told Tita Emie about the package and Tita replied, ‘Bakit? Sinong tumawag? Hindi ba sila makapaghintay?’ Mom said she was the one who called because she was just doing what Aunt Lyn told her to do. Aunt Lyn told her, ‘Keep an eye on the package Cora.’ After Mom explained, she said Tita replied, ‘Ay di bale na Ate Cors, tatawagan ko na lang ang Makro’
Very weak, she woke up early in the morning and asked me what were the proper words. ‘I would just like to ask…?’ or ‘I would just like to inquire?’ I told her any of the two would do. She came back later and told me that Aunt Linda’s package has just arrived and she wanted to tell Tita Emie because Makro won’t deliver it until Tuesday. I told her ok, just take care (coz she’s still feeling dizzy) and she went out to use our neighbor’s phone. She came back a few minutes later and she had this strange expression. I asked her what happened. She said she told Tita Emie about the package and Tita replied, ‘Bakit? Sinong tumawag? Hindi ba sila makapaghintay?’ Mom said she was the one who called because she was just doing what Aunt Lyn told her to do. Aunt Lyn told her, ‘Keep an eye on the package Cora.’ After Mom explained, she said Tita replied, ‘Ay di bale na Ate Cors, tatawagan ko na lang ang Makro’
I guess she was expecting Tita Emie to say, ‘Ay Ate Cors, tinawagan mo? Salamat ha, panatag na ang kalooban namin.’ Or something like that.
It’s no big deal. Mom isn’t affected by it. I guess you can say people naturally have these expectations as a result of the efforts they exert and when these expectations aren’t met, they can’t help feeling a bit disappointed. But Mom’s the kind of person who dismisses all these with a laugh…while I am always indifferent, regardless of the circumstance.
April 22, 2002 - Monday
It’s no big deal. Mom isn’t affected by it. I guess you can say people naturally have these expectations as a result of the efforts they exert and when these expectations aren’t met, they can’t help feeling a bit disappointed. But Mom’s the kind of person who dismisses all these with a laugh…while I am always indifferent, regardless of the circumstance.
April 22, 2002 - Monday
*Sigh*
I feel like there’s something I should do. How can they judge Mama when they weren’t even around during those years she carried her responsibility on her own?
I can’t stand this.
I feel like there’s something I should do. How can they judge Mama when they weren’t even around during those years she carried her responsibility on her own?
I can’t stand this.
Kuya Lloyd, my cousin who’s a military man, arrived a couple of days ago from Zamboanga. He dropped by the day before, waiting for Kuya Mike because he had plans for both of them. Mom entertained him while they waited. After several hours, Kuya Mike arrived. But he was so drunk that they wouldn’t be able to enjoy the night anymore so Kuya Lloyd accompanied him to his flat on the second floor and he slept there also.
The following day (which was yesterday) they went up here. Tito Dan called up Mom and told her that if she was feeling better, it would be nice of her to drop by because the packages from Aunt Linda have already arrived. So we all decided to go anyway because Kuya Lloyd also wanted to see Tito Dan, the uncle he’s never seen before. Mom, Kuya Lloyd, Ate Abbie, Kuya Mike and I took a cab. As soon as we arrived, we were warmly welcomed and soon everyone was having fun.
After lunch, we settled in their living room and started to sing songs from Tito and Tita’s collection of videoke vcd’s. We sang the whole afternoon away. Tito and Tita began to open the packages and hand us our respective things. When it was getting dark, Kuya Mike (already a bit intoxicated) became lenient. He started talking about his family.
After concluding the day’s activities, we said goodbye to Tito Dan and Tita Emie and went home.
When we arrived, Mom handed the packages for Aunt Del and Kaye. Kuya Lloyd invited some friends over for drinks. Kuya Lee, Ate Abbie’s friend, arrived. They drank for a little outside the flat and then they (including Kuya Lloyd) said goodbye, telling us that they’d continue their drinking at one of the friend’s house. Mom was relieved because she was getting worried that one of the Task Force would come up and start a commotion. It was a good day.
Other Thoughts
After lunch, we settled in their living room and started to sing songs from Tito and Tita’s collection of videoke vcd’s. We sang the whole afternoon away. Tito and Tita began to open the packages and hand us our respective things. When it was getting dark, Kuya Mike (already a bit intoxicated) became lenient. He started talking about his family.
After concluding the day’s activities, we said goodbye to Tito Dan and Tita Emie and went home.
When we arrived, Mom handed the packages for Aunt Del and Kaye. Kuya Lloyd invited some friends over for drinks. Kuya Lee, Ate Abbie’s friend, arrived. They drank for a little outside the flat and then they (including Kuya Lloyd) said goodbye, telling us that they’d continue their drinking at one of the friend’s house. Mom was relieved because she was getting worried that one of the Task Force would come up and start a commotion. It was a good day.
Other Thoughts
I texted Ate Nine and asked if she would like to come with us (I didn’t specify who we were) to Sta. Mesa. She said some other time nalang because she had plans for the day. Two hours after sending the message, we arrived at Sta. Mesa. We were already singing in the living room when I thought it would be nice to have Ate Nine around so I asked Ate Abbie to invite Ate Nine. Ate Abbie’s first message was something like, Ate, where are you? She replied, ‘In the condo, kaw san ka?’ I was dumbfounded.
*Shaking head*
Ate Abbie invited her over and Ate Nine said I’ll text you later. When we were about to go home, Ate Nine texted her. The message was, ‘Abbie san na kayo? Wag muna kayo alis sunod kami ni Mama.’
Been texting my grandmother yesterday. I texted her good morning around 7AM. She replied around 11AM saying “Chai, mabuti naman ako”. I texted her again and I told her to take care of herself. She finally called around 4PM telling me that she couldn’t reply because she had glaucoma in her right eye. She sounded so enthusiastic, caring, etc. over the phone that I was overwhelmed.
April 22, 2002 - Monday
*Shaking head*
Ate Abbie invited her over and Ate Nine said I’ll text you later. When we were about to go home, Ate Nine texted her. The message was, ‘Abbie san na kayo? Wag muna kayo alis sunod kami ni Mama.’
Been texting my grandmother yesterday. I texted her good morning around 7AM. She replied around 11AM saying “Chai, mabuti naman ako”. I texted her again and I told her to take care of herself. She finally called around 4PM telling me that she couldn’t reply because she had glaucoma in her right eye. She sounded so enthusiastic, caring, etc. over the phone that I was overwhelmed.
April 22, 2002 - Monday
I’ve been wanting to eat as much Coco Crunch as I like for the past few days. Mama surprised me with a box of it a while ago. Thanks very much Mama!
April 25, 2002 - Thursday
April 25, 2002 - Thursday
Mom talked to Kuya Mike and Ate Nine about their lives. Both of them cried, surrendering to the fact that they were both very lonely.
I hope they’d both take Mom’s lessons about life to heart because truly hers are the lessons that make life worth living.
April 27, 2002 - Saturday
Kuya Chris went up here and visited us. I was really pleased because things were cleared up and everything went well. Mom told him the sides of the story he was unable to hear before and I showed him a copy of the letter I made. He admitted how he used to think that everything I owned, I asked for. That’s why he felt more indifferent towards me since he believed he saw unequal affection was showered upon us.
I don’t blame Kuya at all for what he believed in. Others have shared his beliefs. That’s why as early as fifth grade I began to make poems about how the world has closed its heart and shut me out without even giving me a fair chance to prove myself innocent. Those poems weren’t done in bitter contempt but were created with sad acceptance.
He encircled the words, ‘When I received, I did not ask’ three times. After the last sentence, he broke down and cried, saying he misses Ate Odette and he wants his bonding with her back. I cried because I was already familiar with what he felt although now, I know there’s nothing I can do to get her back unless she returns of her own free will.
I feel very much for my cousins. We all have emptiness in our cores that we can’t express…or maybe are wiser to not show. I don’t know.
He understood and comforted us by simply being here. We conversed and it was pleasant because we reached a common ground. A commotion issued soon because of a misunderstanding between my Mom and Kuya Chris but it soon came to pass and order was restored. I thought I would lose mom. Thank God He heard my prayers.
I hope Kuya Chris realizes, as much as everyone in the family, how we love them. There are no rivalries regarding the degrees of affection my Mom showers upon them. I hope they’d feel it in their hearts and understand how Mom loves them equally…as much as I do. He told me he’d help me get through college. He asked me if he could trust me to focus on my studies once in school. I told him I will and he can stake his life upon my words.
I’m not the kind of person who has great expectations of things. I know only that I treasure his word.
More
I was really delighted when Kuya Chris, after I spoke, exclaimed, ‘Ang sarap kausap nito!’
Again, a person who has appreciated my being me has inspired me a lot. Thanks Kuya!
Kuya told me that he’d meet me on Wednesday, 9AM to talk about the conditions regarding his sponsoring me for college. I felt very honored as I watched him store it in his 3310, in the Reminders.
April 29, 2002 - Monday
This place is hell. This family is incredibly, extremely broken.
*Sigh*
It’s 12:24 AM of the following day and I have to sleep because I’m going to Dianne’s debut party. Then on May 1, 9AM, I have to meet Kuya Chris. Around 1PM they want me to attend their band practice. My schedule’s not so hectic…
*Yawn…yawn…yawn…Zzzzzzzzzz…*
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