Life is full of positive and negative energy. To harness positive thoughts, one is on the path to being a victor in life. I read an interesting piece of advice today, written by Norman Vincent Peale but the deed was shared only to him by another. He said he had cut a card and placed it in his wallet and whenever he felt troubled or needed to make an important decision he would take out the card and read whichever side would come up first. On one side was written, "Expect a miracle" while on the other side was written, "God is on your side".
This is truly remarkable. Because both reminders communicated one thing. When you have God on your side, you can expect miracles to happen.
As I was churning the thought in my head, I prayed silently in my heart. Expect a miracle. Expect a miracle. God is on your side.
For some odd reason, I suddenly had the urge to text a friend about another friend. My heart was hammering in my chest the entire time I was waiting for a reply, nevertheless, I waited patiently.
Soon came the reply. And I felt as if a gush of warm water flowed from the top of my head to the very tip of my toes. I had been praying for God's miracle to start on rather a very challenging mission. Whenever I would lose the strength to believe that it could ever come real, I kept remembering that when Jesus was living, he himself had said in Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." I have been asking and He had heard my prayer.
I keep praying it will continue, this reformation that seems so colossal to others yet so minute to such a magnificent God. God is word after all. As soon as said, it is as good as done.
Delving into the past once more...
August 4, 2002 - Sunday
I took the UPCAT yesterday. We were the first to arrive at Malcolm Hall. The test was so difficult that I wouldn’t be surprised if I fail. Nevertheless, I feel extremely enlightened.
When you trust everything to the Lord, nothing worries you anymore. When you count your blessings in life instead of spending time thinking about the difficult trials, everything glows with a natural beauty.
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Hmm, a Chinese guy who was also taking the UPCAT (means if he passes he’ll also start second semester this year) got my attention. He looked at everything around him in such an apprehensive way that I felt a strong urge to make him feel comfortable in the setting.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to talk to him because the proctors began to lead us to our respective seats. After the exam, I told Mom about it and I was surprised to know that Mom actually got to stand beside him and she pitied him because according to her, there was this girl who, hurrying, bumped into him but didn’t bother to apologize. The guy only continued to look as if he was in a trance, smiling absentmindedly.
I had lunch with Ten and we had a very nice conversation. It was nice to know that we shared the same feelings regarding our friends.
August 7, 2002 - WednesdayI’ve been very preoccupied lately by trivial matters. Before anything else, Mama bought me a birthday present. LOTR!
It was really nice of her. Mom bought me a birthday present last month. I promised myself I wouldn’t watch it, not until I’m through with the UPCAT. I’ve kept my promise. I’ve been having loads of fun watching the Star Wars Trilogy.
I am so fortunate to have the love of two wonderful mothers. Their gifts were heartwarming but I am profoundly happier with simply having their presence in my life.
When Mama gave me the film, there was a free poster along with it. It was a picture of Elijah Wood with a smaller picture of Frodo and Sam at the bottom (right corner).
Now that I think of it the things I’ve done were silly, true, but I don’t regret doing any of them. It seems insanity to admit your true feelings for a person but it doesn’t really seem that way to me, especially when you’ve accepted right after falling in love how big is the possibility of not being loved in return. This sort of point of view sets you apart. It sets you free. It makes you transcend the boundaries of your own feelings. It is agony to love alone but it is also joy to love without expectations.
I am surviving the foolishness of my feelings only because I have entrusted everything to the Lord. I am living only the destiny He has written for me.
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Kuya Chris arrived today. Mama confronted him. He couldn’t believe it. He said that during the entire time that he was told stuff, Ate Lai was in the backseat, ‘nagbubuyo’. The world turns in the palm of the Lord. It is no bigger than a walnut.
August 10, 2002 - SaturdayI have so many dreams and I think not one of them is impossible to reach. It is like looking at an object from different angles. I have reached some. I have yet to make some come true.
But the really inspiring thing about all these dreams is the fact that I know that the Lord is always present.
When I was young, I used to believe that Michael Jackson was my special guardian. I cannot describe it well but somehow I feel as if he has something that is similar to what I have. Michael Jackson, from the books I’ve read, used to go around and visit people at their homes to talk about God. There were many instances when people approached him and he taught them about God and His teachings. So when the rumors spread and he was prosecuted for a crime he did not commit, I was hurt because I strongly believed in his innocence.
In a distant spiritual way, the Lord always used Michael Jackson to move me. There were many instances when I’ve felt Him working in my life. Like for example, when I was younger, I used to spend hours alone in the master’s bedroom of our house in Gloria Diaz. Sometimes I’d dance and sing. Sometimes I’d write. Sometimes I’d play music and reflect on life.
During that afternoon, as I sat on the bed listening to music and thinking about life in general, I arrived at a point wherein all I could think about is my family. At that moment I felt weighed down by a feeling of emptiness, of helplessness. In my mind, I asked God to help me forget the feeling of loneliness because I felt as if I was about to burst from so much heartache.
As I sat there, waiting for nothing in particular, there was a knock on the door. Mama walked into the room with a smile on her face. Holding out her hand, I saw that she had bought me a cassette tape of Michael Jackson’s History album. I smiled at her, thanking her for her generosity. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and went out.
Opening the tape, I decided to play Tape II because I was already familiar with the songs in Tape I. Scanning the titles of Tape II I considered what was most interesting. Finally, my eyes rested on You Are Not Alone. I wondered if the song was nice. I played the Side B and as the music started, I felt something stir in me.
The lyrics felt as if they were flowing right into me, washing over me with a feeling of serenity. Smiling to myself, I silently prayed and thanked God for letting me hear such words at the time I needed to hear them most.
Another example of the Lord reaching out to me through MJ is through the dream I had when I was fourteen years old (during this time, my adoration for MJ was beginning to wane). We had classes that day and while working on some arrangement, our teacher chatted with us.
Since we were working on angels, she asked us if we knew the names of our angels. Seeing the confusion on our faces, she smiled and told us she knew the name of her angel. We began asking her in unison how.
'Before you go to sleep, do not think of anything else except your angel. Pray with all your heart. The first name that you think of when you wake up the following morning is your angel’s name.’
With that in mind, I anticipated for evening to come. Finally tucked in bed, I thought of how my angel would look like. Beautiful face. Flowing robe. Emanating light. Thinking about these details over and over again…I fell asleep.
It wasn't long before I started dreaming. I was aware of the fact that I was sleeping therefore I knew that what was happening was a dream.
I was surrounded by fog. Wanting to see what’s beyond the mist, I parted them with my hands. I was surprised to see that I was in a familiar hallway. I was in our house (at Panlilio). Suddenly, I heard a commotion, coming from our living room. There was a huge crowd gathered there, including my family.
Then I heard a familiar voice shouting amidst the din, ‘She’s still asleep! She’ll wake up soon.’ I realized the person who shouted was referring to me. Then another person began to speak, straining to be heard amidst the noise.
‘I need to see her. She’s my friend. I need to see her.’
Unable to contain my curiosity, I began to work my way through the crowd. Reaching the gap in the middle of the crowd, I gasped, unable to believe my eyes. MJ was standing right in front of me. In the three years that I’ve looked up to him, there was never an instance wherein I’ve dreamt of him. Then when my adoration for him was beginning to wane, he showed up in my dream.
‘Michael?,’ I whispered, barely able to speak, ‘Wha--? Michael Jackson? How come you’re here? How come you know who I am?’
He greeted my amazement with a loving smile.
‘I can’t answer your questions. Right now, I just need to give you something important.’
‘What is it?’ I asked, confused.
He embraced me. Suddenly, all those years of loneliness, despair, pain and frustration melted away. I began to cry, overwhelmed by the feeling of peace that finally settled in me. He had comforted me.
‘Don’t cry. I’m here,’ he said, beginning to pull away, ‘I need to go. I just came to see you and now I have to leave.’
My tears continued to flow. He smiled. ‘Don’t cry. I’ll be around.’
Suddenly mist gathered and enveloped the entire scene, including the crowd that fell silent during our whole conversation.
I found myself opening my eyes and seeing the real world, able to remember the entire dream. Feeling peaceful, I smiled to myself and inaudibly whispered the first name that came to mind.
‘…Michael…’
Real as these experiences were, some people might think they’re silly. I am not surprised with those who would think this way. Nevertheless, everything in one’s life happens for a purpose. And if going through these things paved the way for my betterment as a person and as a servant of God, then I believe that MJ became one of the many instruments used by God to inspire me to live this life.
August 15, 2002 - Thursday
Just read my mail.
Random Thoughts
If I were to express myself through painting, it would be in abstract art. Art is art. Do you ever wonder how the sea is able to contain the whole universe, be it day or night? We are reflections of one another. The universe may be vast from one point of view.
When I write, it becomes small and I can caress it in the palm of my hand. It's wondrous. It is truly beautiful. Everything that was created is sublime. When there is darkness, there is light. When there is measurement, there is conclusion. Distance can be measured. And I love this truth because when there is measurement, there is a beginning and an end. Therefore no matter how far I am from what I love, I know that the distance can be conquered.
How I love what cannot change! Only, it does not exist because there is no such thing as permanence. Love dies. Love begins. I am traveling without leaving or going. Exploring. Being led by music to everywhere. Who is there to share who I am? The wind is answering me. I am writing because I can understand what it is saying. Speaking in the universal language.
My beach. Sand. It is calling out to me. Asking me to sing without words. And I am humming because I love it. The moon is in my eyes. Dreaming without slumber.
Someone is walking along the shore. I am moved to smile because I am familiar with the person. He is drawing me in the sand. And as soon as he is finished, the waves steal the drawing away. But he is still there. His footprints are immeasurable. No fear. The drawing has faded. I am still there.
August 16, 2002 - FridayI’ve just finished watching Emergency. A man with Buerger’s disease was featured and it was not long before I realized I have seen him before. I have dreamed about him. Exact face. Exact colors. Exact shapes. I keep dreaming about scenes in the future. I wonder if anyone else dreams about the future frequently.
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Lola arrived. It’s Tito Nonoy’s birthday today. We ate lunch at Kuya Pajing’s house on the first floor. Then Lola asked me to text Dad and remind him to greet Tito Nonoy. Kuya Pajing texted him also, reminding him about some cd. Then he started to ask Dad how much a DVD player costs. I took the opportunity to ask Dad how much a playstation 2 costs because I told him what Ten told me; that PSII is more affordable outside of the country.
He kidded around, saying ‘1by1 lang, inaatake na ako ng nerbyos.’ Then he told me that the PSII costs $300. He asked me also to find out how much it costs here in the Philippines and text it back. I told him I was interested in PSII because of KingdomHearts (cool new game from Squaresoft) then I told him it costs about $250 here (I even added that even though I’m 18 I’m still a kid). He replied, ‘That’s better. Don’t worry by next month I’ll send it to you. Promise.’
I was so overwhelmed with Dad’s gesture that I told him I love him repeatedly, thanking him and everything. He couldn’t help pointing out that I was sipsip. I replied I love him.
It’s really nice to have this kind of relationship with Dad.
It’s really nice to have the same relationship with Mom.
I’m a lucky kid.
I love them.
August 20, 2002 - TuesdayIt’s my birthday today. Lots of people greeted me. Kuya Pangga and his friend even paid me a visit. Thank you everyone.
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The Beatles really made great music. Lord, thanks for keeping watch over everyone today.
August 21, 2002 - WednesdayI just found out that PS2 costs about 19k, modified and everything. I feel bad about telling Dad the wrong information. Nevertheless, if he chooses not to buy me one, I would understand. Life is simple. I am me.
August 24, 2002 - SaturdayLola just called me up. She said Ms. Beth called her up. And I think Dad also called her up. They’re all asking if I’m already in school. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for them to understand that I’m still waiting for the results of the exam and I’m still about to try for DLSU again.
I have a strong faith. But I am honest enough to admit the truth that the people around me are putting so much pressure on me. Ever since I wasn’t able to continue my studies, I’ve felt so disappointed with myself. It’s primarily because I have failed the expectations of my loved-ones. If they felt disappointed with me, imagine how much more disappointed I was with myself. I should not expect a single word of confidence…of consolation…but my human heart longed for it.
I don’t want to write everything Lola said. All I know is that I am faceless in a crowd. Not one can see my face. I feel foolish. I keep putting my trust in people…but I keep ending up disappointed.
Nevertheless, there’s a reason for all that I am facing. I will be strong to inspire others.
Another poignant night to embrace…
August 26, 2002 - MondayToday is Kaye’s first day of work. Mom and I took turns to help Aunt Del with Gian. I put Gian to sleep for his afternoon nap.
Mama called this morning. She was nearly run over in Pasay. She said she was disoriented after she had a conversation with Ate's Dad. He called her vile names and told her so many painful things that it was simply impossible for her not to cry. After Mom and Mama talked, Mom decided to call Ate. Mom began to cry as soon as she heard her voice because she began crying on the other line as well, saying how much she loves Mom and how much she wishes to talk to her in person with the exception of Mama. They will try to talk later. Ate said she would try call at the store near our house.
Thank God for making Mom an instrument of peace.
August 28, 2002 - WednesdayWe met with Ate yesterday. We were very excited to see her. She helped Mom join the network she was working in. I’m going to help her as much as I can. We all discussed about things. It’s a good thing they finally learned the truth about things. About Aunt Josie, Kuya Gani, etc. It’s such a wonderful blessing to have her in my life again.
I mailed Dad. I explained to him why I didn’t inform him about my taking the UPCAT, etc. Then I explained how since my allowance didn’t arrive on schedule, I wasn’t able to process my application in time. I’d be processing my application for third sem, which will be on November according to the man I’ve spoken to at the admissions.
Then at the very end I told Dad how I’ve always tried to be a good daughter to him and how I will always be faithful to my responsibilities as a daughter. I told him not to worry too much about my studies because I believe the Lord has plans for us. I asked him to pray for me so that I would pass the UPCAT. But if I don’t, it’s the Lord’s will.
Thanks for everything that’s happening in our lives.
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I can’t attend the birthday celebrations of my friends because I don’t have my allowance therefore I don’t have any gifts or semi-formal clothes. I can’t be there for the people who’ve always been here with me.
I am so depressed and there’s nothing to make me feel better. My silence is ever profound. I am detached from the real world and although I allowed it to happen, don’t want to accept it. I want to belong but even in the company of my friends, I can’t seem to fit in. It’s not their fault. It’s mine. I simply don’t know how. It’s not because I’m not trying. If I weren’t trying I wouldn’t be going to the various meetings we’ve had over the past year since we’ve graduated. But even in my efforts, I can’t bridge the gap between reality and me. What I have are my dreams. They’re keeping me alive. When I feel like a gaping hole is about to engulf me, I dream and survive.
Is there dignity in this procedure?
Is there courage in admitting fear, pain, depression, and carelessness…?
Is it folly to sing heartrending songs to no one?
I am dancing in rhythm with the universe and swaying…ever so slowly to fall…to rise again…and fall…and rise once more…
Is there honor in admitting failure…?
Is it obsession to continuously feel agony when you know all the efforts you make to aid a friend from going astray are futile…?
There is no surrender. Only passion to continue.
August 30, 2002 - FridayAunt Linda sent some books, all inspirational and I’ve just finished reading two Guideposts mags. I’ve just started reading The God of All Comfort by Hannah Whitall Smith. It’s startlingly factual. God incarnated Himself in Christ therefore Christ is a revelation of God.
I’ve tried sharing what I’ve read with Mom but just as I was starting, she interrupted and said something about not accepting anything other than what is written in the Bible and that the Bible is covered in mystery that no person can comprehend it unless God chooses to reveal its mystery to the person He has chosen.
I understand and completely agree with what she said so I tried to tell her that I agree only I think the woman who wrote the book had a point about Jesus Christ but she continued to talk and I could no longer interrupt her with my opinion. Then she got irritated with me, telling me that when I explain myself, I should control my temper. I told her it’s not temper because I’m not angry, I’m only passionate because of my conviction. Then she told me to control my passion.
*Sigh*
‘Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup. They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe. Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind, possessing and caressing me…
…Nothing’s gonna change my world…nothing’s gonna change my world…’
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In my previous entry I had many questions. It’s as if the Lord heard me and we received a box of inspirational books, one of which is beginning to answer my questions. Dios Ti Agnina.
August 31, 2002 - SaturdayYesterday I was busy all day making ends meet. Trying to convince Tita Julie to have an audience with us was a nice challenge. I remember having told her, ‘So how about it Tita? An audience with Ate and me might be the very thing you need to be reassured that our company is efficient and reliable.’
When she agreed, that’s when I realized how good it felt to win someone’s trust. The Lord truly listens to our prayers.
Aside from Tita Julie, I also tried convincing Tito Ronald, Jico and Pam. Pam and Jico were very generous in saying they’d help me out by looking for people who are interested. Tito Ronald was the one who was very enthusiastic. We’re already setting up a meeting next week. I hope the Lord’s blessing go with us.
Anyway, today we met up with Tita Julie. When we arrived at her house, she told us to eat dinner first because she said she knew we were already hungry. She cooked spaghetti with white sauce. It was really good (I love pasta!). Ate Laila explained the company. Soon Ate and Kuya Jes mingled with us and we talked about operations, cancer, etc.
Tita Julie said she would sign up on Wednesday because she doesn’t have enough money yet because her taxi broke down. And the next time we come back, she would bring some of her friends so that they can listen to the presentation also. Dios Ti Agnina.
Mom also brought along some of the things Aunt Linda sent for Ate and Ate Lai.
When we got home, Ate thanked Mom for everything.
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Dad texted me. Actually I texted him yesterday, asking him if he had already read the e-mail I sent. He said he was quite busy but he’ll read it soon. Then he said he was pleased because he’s been working hard lately and my message gave him the rest he wanted. I was touched. I told him to take it easy because he might get sick. Then I asked him if I could have a little extra in my allowance because I needed to have my teeth checked.
Then he said something about, ‘Sayang, meron pa naman Lion dito.’ (Lion Chocolate Bars are my favorite in the whole wide world!) I replied, excitedly, ‘Papa! Papa! Lion! Lion!’ Then he said, ‘Doctor’s advice. Kapag ok na anak’. I was a little bit disappointed but I understood that it’s also for my own good. Then I said good night, love you, miss you and take care. I also added, ‘Mom and I are always praying for you.’ He replied, ‘Thanks take care u 2’.
Then this morning I received his gud pm text (delayed). He said he sent me 9k for my teeth. I thanked him, told him I love him and wished him a good day. Thanks Dad.
Lord…
‘If I never knew you, if I never had this love…I would have no inkling of how precious life can be.
And if I never held you, I would never have a clue how at last I find in you the missing part of me.
In this world so full of fear, full of raging lies…
I can see the truth so clear in your eyes.
…So dry your eyes.
And I’m so grateful to you. I’d have lived my whole life through lost forever…if I never knew you.’
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