A Look Back: 2002 (Con’t.) A Journey to a Bolder Self

Yesterday, I attended a very enlightening service of Victory. It was about John 21:15-17.

When they have finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.” Again, Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.”

It was a very enlightening service. It was only when Pastor Sonny explained that in the Old Testament, different words were used for the word love that I truly understood the story. He said the Greek word the Jesus used was agapeo, which meant unconditional love, and that when he had asked Peter, Peter had replied with the Greek word fileo, which meant brotherly love. Hence Jesus asked it again, reaching down to Peter’s level by omitting the comparison (more than these) and used the word agapeo once more. Yet Peter’s response was the same, he used the word fileo. Lastly, Jesus reached out once more to Peter, this time using the word fileo as well, and this is why Peter got hurt. Because it seemed somehow he knew in himself that he couldn’t answer Jesus’ love according to how he was loved by Jesus.

It got me thinking. How do I love Christ? Is He my priority? Do I love Him unconditionally that if He asked of me everything I deem important, would I be able to give these all up for Him? I am doing my best to regain my strength. By reading books and praying.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” - Psalm 34:18

The Psalms save my life. God saves my broken heart. I will come out of this all the stronger and all the wiser, and trust that every ounce of pain I feel now would be used by God for His grand design, and that my heart would receive comfort from this agony at His intended time.

Delving back in the past…

May 1, 2002 - Wednesday
Two of my plans got cancelled. I wasn’t able to attend Dianne’s party because I wasn’t feeling well so I stayed home and rested. And Kuya Chris didn’t arrive. I didn’t text him to ask what happened. When he made that promise (to visit on Wednesday, as he put it) I had prepared myself to understand if he failed to come. And I do understand.

The practice occurred. Ate Abbie was still not here around 12NN so I was lounging around and Mom told me to wait for Ate Abbie. She texted, telling me that she was still at the promotions and asked me to wait for her so that we could both go down to Aunt Josie’s flat on the second floor together. I told her ok. Around 12:45nn, I texted her again, asking her where she is. She didn’t reply but after ten minutes or so, she entered our flat and asked, ‘San si Shai? San si Shai?’ I was surprised; I thought she was worried that I had gone down ahead of her. Turns out she’s the one who stopped by at 241 to sign up our attendance and said, ‘Akyatin ko muna si Shai, Te’ to which the other replied, ‘Sige.’

*Sigh*

Nevermind. I’m used to these things anyway. Anyway, we practiced. It was okay. We were having trouble with Emotions.

May 2, 2002 - Thursday
Marvin just came up here with the spotlight. Ever since Mom told Ate Nine the truth about Aunt Josie, Mom’s been asking Kuya Mike to return our spotlight. It happened to be with him because when we were moving things out from BF, he took the spotlight and said, ‘I-una ko na to Anti para masafety ko na’ meaning he was going to take the spotlight to Taguig while we were still packing our other things.

Here’s what happened lately. The other day, when we were gathered in 241 for the meeting, Mom went down. As she entered the flat, Aunt Josie turned her back and went to the kitchen. Mom stayed for a while and then left but as she was leaving, she turned to Kuya Mike and said, ‘Mike, yung spotlight iakyat mo’ to which Kuya Mike only replied, ‘Opo.’

Now as Ate Abbie was walking on the ramp, Marvin saw her and approaching her, told her, ‘Ate Abbie, yung spotlight daw, kunin mo na daw sa bahay.’ So Ate Abbie went down to 241 and upon entering, asked Aunt Josie about the spotlight. She replied in a confused tone, ‘Wala pa, di pa nahahalughog ni Mike. Teka nga Abbie, bakit ba may mga ganun? Ibinigay na tapos kinukuha pa. Michael, ibinigay ba yun sa yo?’ Kuya Mike didn’t respond. Ate Abbie asked him this time, ‘Kuya, ibinigay ba yun sa yo?’ Kuya Mike looked at Ate Abbie first and then at Aunt Josie then replied, ‘Hindi.’

Then Aunt Josie began her tirade about how Ate Abbie might be hearing things here at 402 about her and she’s not being told about it. Ate Abbie replied, ‘Auntie, kung pwede labas na kaming magpipinsan dyan. Away niyo yan ni Auntie Cora.’

Then she went home. Marvin came up a few minutes later with the spotlight. When asked if he wanted to enter our flat, he replied, ‘Wag na lang Auntie.’

May 3, 2002 - Friday 

I had a dream last night but as most fascinating dreams, I’ve forgotten about it the moment I woke up. I lived today the way I’ve lived yesterday, taking a bath, eating, napping, reading, etc.

While I was reading, I suddenly felt as if a hazy fragment of the dream I had came back to me. I paused for a while, pondering with all determination. Then I remembered a part of the dream I had.

I had passed away. I was upright but nevertheless dead. I felt light and completely carefree that soon the feeling caused me to float upwards. I continued to drift, ascending slowly until the clouds were within reach…until I felt them brush my cheeks…until I felt them gathering nimbly upon my feet. Suddenly I noticed a sort of structure beside me, settled upon a cluster of clouds. There were people inside, behind what appeared to me as a bronze gate. Their face didn’t show any trace of emotion. They simply stared at me as the sentiments I felt slowly caused me to drift towards them. Then a booming noise broke the stillness of the surroundings. I heard a powerful voice begin to speak. ‘Remain here…until I come…’ I understood and smiled in acknowledgment as the gates swung open and I entered, greeting the people inside with an impassive face.

More

Carla just texted me. It was very nice of her to remember me.

May 7, 2002 - Tuesday 

Kuya Alex texted me (he also sent the same message to Ate Abbie). He was asking us for a copy of The Circle of Life (The Lion King). I printed it for him. Later he texted me around 11:55pm to tell me to text the lyrics instead because he needed the copy right away. I did.

I’ve been texting my Embryo friends. I asked Trisha to watch Spiderman with me. She told me to try to get the others because she wanted a fairly big crowd. I did as she told. I was able to invite one other person while she was able to invite also one other person.

There is no need to get out of the house. But I have to be away from home now and then…in order to have something to look forward to when I am outside.
 

Later

I started reading The Alchemist last night…

I’ve just finished reading it this morning. What can I say…? There are no words.

*Sigh*

I’m glad I read it. I’m glad my friends somehow helped me find the book. My worst fears about life have vanished. I feel ready to try and be part of something bigger than me.

More

I am tired of dealing with our family squabbles. Over the years, Mom tried keep everyone together. 

Family…

*Deep Thinking*

There was not a day I felt wanted in the family. I did not feel unwanted…but I did not feel wanted either. The isolation I have shrouded myself in is the sole sanctuary I’ve found. Whenever I tried to belong, it felt like trying to penetrate a screen so finely woven, so superbly stitched. Finally, I let myself be led away by other matters.

Now that we dwell here in this building and are expected to meddle in the family affairs, I feel it all over again. The feeling of difference. They knew I was growing far from them and they let me. They nourished me with melancholy. I cannot deal with them. My heart would not let me do so. It’s not a cruel heart that decided this…only a lonely one. I love them because they are my own. I love them with a knowing affection that I cannot live and be, without feeling compassion for my own family. Only…I cannot love them and be near. And I know all of them feel the same with one another…¤

What should I do now? I should be a better person first…in order to love God with reverence, and love myself with care, to love them without reservations.

Later

I had fun with my friends this afternoon. We watched Spiderman. Trisha wasn’t able to come along. Tobey Maguire looks like an older version of Daniel Radcliffe.

Random Thoughts

What is it that my heart truly seeks? In my efforts to protect it, I’ve made it silent. Now I’m afraid to listen to it. When I do, will I still hear it beat? Faintly perhaps.

Perhaps it is still speaking in a language no one hears…in a language only the Soul of the World understands.

May 8, 2002 - Wednesday 

We went to Cavite today to visit my grandmother. She was very warm towards us and I was overwhelmed. I can hardly believe how good she made me feel. She lent me my dad’s Koran.

The mere sight of the book took my breath away. I wish to understand our Muslim brothers from a certain point of view. I am confident the Koran will help me comprehend our differences and eventually be united by a simple acknowledgment of each other’s opinions.

I asked Lola if I could borrow my dad’s vcd’s. She led me upstairs and while rummaging through dad’s boxes, I asked permission again if I could borrow his vcd’s. She exclaimed something like Why borrow?! You know that you’re the only daughter of your father. I felt elated. I’ve never heard her say things like that to me. She used to make me feel as if I’m just one of my father’s children.

As we were leaving…I suddenly felt protective of her. Like I wanted her within my sight. She’s old and nobody’s living with her in her house. I live far away and if something happens…!

I wish someone would come and stay with her now and then to ensure her safety.

More

She narrated to us her squabble with Tita Vicky and made us promise not to tell anyone. *Indifferent*

Nicole was there and we talked for a while. She told me she asked Ate Cristia for a LOTR ring.

May 9, 2002 - Thursday

Ate Nine invited me the other day to join them because they were planning to go to Laguna for their swimming trip. I said ok. Ate Abbie and I woke up early and when we got there, we had a fairly good time. I presented myself well because there is really nothing to feel bad about. If Aunt Josie and my Mom have a misunderstanding, it will not affect me and how I treat others. I asked Nicole to help me out.
 

May 12, 2002 - Sunday 

It’s Mother’s Day today. Mom and I went to Glorietta yesterday to buy a present for Lola. We weren’t able to bring it today because of certain reasons. I’d just give it to her some other time.

Mom and I had a discussion about how my relatives have been thinking I’ve been straying away from them because I think I’m superior than they are.

I’m deeply saddened by this. It is bad enough they do not understand me…

Worse, they do not even know me.

There is nowhere else to go but deeper…into the core of my soul.
 

May 13, 2002 - Monday

I don’t know how to describe what I feel. I was carrying Gian just now with one arm just to see if I could manage it and Kaye told me, ‘Ganyan rin magbuhat si Mama Bea sa taas. Isang kamay lang. Parang baboy si Gian’ And I told her, ‘Baliktad ka naman eh. Ang baboy ang kailangan ng maraming kamay.’ Then she said to my utter amazement. ‘Hindi si Gian. Yung pagbuhat sa kanya. Ambaboy.’ I was stunned but I was still able to mutter. ‘Grabe ka naman.’ Then she said, ‘Si Ate Abbie ang nagsabi non.’

*Sigh*

May 14, 2002 - Tuesday

I just opened an email account today.
 

May 15, 2002 - Wednesday

There are so many things I have to do. I want to join Habitat. I have to read the Koran. I haven’t finished every book in the Bible. There are so many books I have to read. There are so many people I have to talk to. Time is so little and yet, it feels like forever.

I’ve been contemplating these last few days…nothing in particular. Just letting my mind wander. I haven’t accomplished much in my life. I feel like I can amount to something if I put myself up to it.

My mind, my heart and my soul will never succumb and accept defeat.

I love. I live.
 

May 16, 2002 - Thursday
Random Thoughts

I feel something inside me is changing.

I’m encouraging the change because I need to evolve…in order to overcome obstacles.

May 18, 2002 - Saturday

I have succeeded. For now. I feel as if I’m Oz (Buffy).

Lola visited. We talked for a while. We haven’t received our allowances from my Dad. But she told me something amusing. Dad sent Alirez and Maan (Ms. Beth’s daughters) their allowance.

*Sigh*
 

May 20, 2002 - Monday

We went to Tito Dan’s place yesterday for the Maxigold seminar. I want to join so badly but I don’t have money to enter. I asked the Lord to bless me. I put all my trust in Him.

More

*Sigh*

May the Living God watch over my sister and change her heart.
 

May 24, 2002 - Friday 

I haven’t been writing here lately because I’ve been busy preparing myself for entrance exams for college. Der informed me a few days ago that UP was open for applications. I am really thankful for having her in my life. Not because she’s doing me favors, not because she’s being a great friend but simply because she’s who she is. There’s nobody else like her. And that’s when I’m really thankful because getting to know her and being able to have a place in her life is truly one of the most gratifying experiences one can ever have. I cannot thank her enough for being the person that she is. I really love her.

Anyway, I’ve done some researching and I’ve found out that the deadline for the applications will be on June 7 (second sem) and June 21 (SY 2003-2004). I printed the info and have been…reflecting lately on the choices I will make.

I feel excited for college. Anxious. Scared. I feel so much mixed emotions that it sometimes makes me nauseated, having to deal with different things all at the same time. I can’t wait to be educated…to specialize in something I know can benefit the society. I’ve prayed to the Lord to please, help happen what is good…what would be good, not for myself alone but for others as well. But I also told Him that I love Him earnestly and whatever comes my way is something I will always welcome with open arms for the simple reason that I trust Him and He will never give me something that won’t help me become a better person.

The problem is this. For a while, I’ve been texting my father and he hasn’t replied. It went on for a week or two and I didn’t really worry that much because he once ‘hibernated’ in my cel. It turned out he was in a business trip out in the desert and hadn’t had time to tell me. Anyway, I told him I was getting worried and I asked him to please write back soon or text.

Just recently, Lola visited (see May 18 entry). We got to talk and finally, I told her how things are going regarding my going to college. She was surprised. She thought I had already enrolled and stuff like that. I thought my father had already informed her. To make the long story short, she was clearly disappointed but I told her to trust the Lord. We walked her to the bus stop and helped her get on a jeep. She left.

This morning I called her up, asking her if there were news about my father. She sounded remorseful. She said she called my father up earlier and it so happened that my father was very angry with the Arabs because they seemed very inconsistent nowadays. Lola even mentioned something about my father having an Arab enemy. I just listened to her. Then she told me not to be ‘ano’ (hmm…I think the word ‘angry’ is the closest substitute).

She said she somehow told Tita Vicky about my college problems (that I wasn’t able to enroll again). Tita Vicky then told Ms. Beth. Ms. Beth then told my father and according to what Lola heard, my father’s reaction was, ‘Bahala siya kung ayaw na niyang mag-aral.’

Before I continue, let me just emphasize that I wrote my father a letter last March 06, informing him about the progress of my college education and when I asked him over text, ‘Did you receive my letter?’ he replied, ‘Oo.’

During that time, I thought he understood my letter’s content (the letter is in the word document ‘Popletter’) so I felt…relieved that he was able to understand how bad I felt for not being able to make it on time. When I heard Lola tell me about his reaction, I felt hurt for the first time in the long run. I couldn’t believe he was able to say something like that…say something that was so careless.

When he gave me this computer as a gift, I told myself I would give him a chance. I’ve already forgiven him for all the painful things he’s caused me but I’ve never really given him a chance to start over. So when the opportunity to compensate for all the mistakes we’ve both done came up, I grabbed it and helped myself believe things will get better. He’s hurt me again.

He doesn’t know me. All he knows are bits and pieces of information he’s got from other people. But does he know who I am, my ideas, my hopes and dreams, my spirituality, my passion and my pain…? No. I’m unfamiliar to him as unfamiliar he is to me. He walked away from my life a long time ago, pushing me away and disregarding every attempt I made to reconnect. Even during the times I told him how I felt when he finally came home to visit, he didn’t listen. He heard…but he didn’t listen. One night when he came home to visit me, I jumped in his arms and I cried and cried. I can’t even remember what went on outside of our space. All I knew was that for months I’d been writing to him, never getting a single response in return and here he was now. I clung to him and cried, sobbing, ‘Bakit ngayon ka lang?’ Days later I learned he made fun of that moment, telling my aunt, Tita Vicky how babyish I was, crying and everything.

…   
 

During those times that he wasn’t around, I never caused him any reason to be ashamed of me. I never let him down. I did what I should do as a daughter, as a student, as a Christian and as a person. Whether he did what he should’ve done as a father to me is his alone to answer.

Apart from this, I opened up myself to the idea that we might be able to reunite despite our now wide range of differences. But now as I write here, all I can feel is profound disappointment…and pain.

I think I owe it to myself to be entirely honest with how I feel. All I feel is that I respect my father because he is a part of me no matter how the world may be altered. I love him because he is my father. Only there are things I want to understand to be able to be completely free.

I’m no more than a person trying to comprehend indubitable issues.
 

May 29, 2002 - Wednesday

I mailed Embryo and finally told how I’ve been feeling. I hope they understand me. Anyway, I also texted John and when he replied, I felt my life change all of a sudden. It’s as if I remember where I should be and what I should be doing. Thanks John.