A Look Back: 2002 (Con't) Dependence of the Soul

“Only by conjuring up an intense feeling of one day being dead could she appreciate how terribly good life was…” – Jostein Gaarder

I spent a good many hours last night in tears.

Man’s greatest enemy is pride. It is an enemy that can be within the self or in another’s. When another person can bear not acknowledging your existence when they are everything in your world, the scar in your heart deepens. Yet ironically, your soul grows closer to God. And I had a good enlightening time chatting with my sister and a friend’s girlfriend.

It’s nice to know there are people who have been through this pain and survive to comfort other people who are still experiencing it. God is truly remarkable to use another person’s experiences to inspire the hearts of those in agony.

Diving into the past soothes my ever-restless mind…

June 1, 2002 - Saturday
I received Embryo’s reply the other day. I was really touched. I’m really fortunate to have such good friends. There’s nothing more to ask for.

Random Thoughts
Life is so beautiful that I can’t even think of a single word fit to describe it. I can’t wait for another day!

June 3, 2002 - Monday

I’ve been reminiscing these past few days. I guess it’s because somebody mentioned somebody’s name.

As I sit here trying to put my emotions into words, I realize that there’s so much I could’ve said if only I had taken the opportunities. This goes out to both my family and my friends.

I went to visit Ate Nine yesterday at San Juan de Dios Hospital. She was rushed because her appendix was in the danger of exploding. She had already undergone a surgery wherein the appendix was removed. I’m glad she made it okay. Mom couldn’t make it so she wrote a letter, which I handed to Ate Nine. Ate Nine sadly smiled at me and said, ‘Pakisabi kay Auntie, salamat.’

Anyway, Kuya Alex was here and I saw him reading my letter to Ate Odette. Since Ate Abbie and I were going to the Hospital and he was about to leave, we decided to leave altogether. I found out we were going to ride in Kuya Chris’ car.

I have no complaints. I love my cousins. Only I just wish Kuya Chris didn’t do what he did. Pretend as if he didn’t promise me anything. I can understand his not being able to commit but I can’t understand why he has not apologized for standing me up. It hurt me.

Someone very dear to me used to do that. He’d promise something but he never got around to doing just what he said. I’m too experienced with broken promises. I don’t believe they’re made to be broken. But if promises are really made to be broken, then apologies should be given when they are due.
 

I keep saying Ivan’s name at the most unexpected times. Sometimes I find myself thinking of his name unintentionally. I don’t want to assume as if I know what I’m feeling. I don’t. I’m okay now, better than before. But if ever a question arises as to whether I still love him, I would just probably smile. After all, a smile can mean many things.
    

Am I scared of college? Now that I think of it, no. It’s actually the thought of not being able to choose the path that I want that scares me. It doesn’t matter what I finish or what degree I’ve attained. It’s how I live my life. It’s what summarizes everything.

I wish a Melchizedek would walk into my life…

…Because I’m certainly at the point when I’m about to give up my Personal Legend.
 

I’ve been having these dreams. In my dreams, I felt loved. There was this person that felt very special to me and whenever he entered the dream, I could feel my heart start pounding. He’d stand a few feet away and in these dreams, I always tried to make ways for him to stand closer to me. Our friends are always with us. I don’t know these friends of ours. I don’t even know him. What was really nice was the sound of soft music playing in the air.
         

I like Regine’s concert last night. Especially when she sang What Kind of Fool Am I? I’ve liked that song ever since I was in fourth grade.
 

‘What kind of fool am I?

What do I know of life?

Why can’t I cast away this mask of clay and live my life?

Why can’t I fall in love like any other girl?

And maybe then, I’ll know…

…What kind of fool I am.’
 

More

I called Youthbuild a while ago. They gave me the contact person at Tagig. His name’s Mr. Ely Bispo. Mom’s worried about the place being near a squatter’s area. May the Lord keep watch over me.

June 6, 2002 - Thursday

‘Time flies…time dies…’

There’s so much to accomplish…so many dreams to realize. I can almost hear a voice saying, ‘So what’s stopping you?’

Nothing. *Sigh* Everything.

I can abandon everything to follow my heart’s desires. But it won’t be easy abandoning responsibilities, etc. I am being called by the night…by the wind…by the sun and the earth…by God.

But I’m not ready to turn my back on people that depend on me. 

‘Will I lose my dignity…? Will someone care…? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare…?’

There’s so much to find…to touch and caress, to satiate the eyes…to quench the thirst of the abandoned soul…music to express…to reach out with words…thoughts…prayers. Love to fulfill. Measures to take. Tears to wipe. Seconds to count. Stories to hear…truths to marvel at…nature to romance…

…Life to live.

Unlike this very moment wherein my life is at a standstill. 

I can feel the void inside me. A space yearning…desperately needing to be filled. A part of me untouched by love…a part that needs to be healed…needs to fly.

I am grateful for what I have and where I am right now. Only I cannot escape knowing I can be more than what they surmise me to be.

June 7, 2002 - Friday

I bought two new books at affordable prices and a sketchpad. Where Only The Moon Rages by Cristina Pantoja Hidalgo and One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez are both nice books. The latter won a Nobel Prize and the former was made by the same author who won the Manila Critics Circle’s 1993 National Book Award for Fiction with her Tales for a Rainy Night (which I’m also planning to buy).

I surfed the net today. I took two LOTR quizzes. First one was which-elf-are-you-in-the-movie kind of thing. I ended up being Legolas with my answers. The second one was which-fellowship-actor-are-you thingy. And I ended up being Orlando Bloom.

Hmm…odd.

Anyway, I also went to this website that gives you your hobbit name based on your first and last name. So I’m Rosie-Posie Proudfoot of Standelf.

And I finally have an elven name. It’s Rávion.
 

I don’t know what to say about my friends’ e-mails. I’m really speechless.   

June 8, 2002 - Saturday

I am devoid of emotions…at least emotions that could be put into words. A father knows the place he has to take in his daughter’s life. It is not for me to dictate but for him to do of his own will. It is not for me to demand him to love me but for me to accept whatever he deems me worthy of receiving.

It’s too late to write what I’ve done many months ago. Still I will write things down.

Mom and Mama left one afternoon on a mission to help a friend in trouble. I had nothing to do so I went through some stuff here. Rummaging through a shelf, I found our cassette recorder and some tapes (they’re the small kind). I put one of the tapes in the player and played it without a second thought as to what I might hear. As the tape slowly played, I suddenly heard my uncle’s voice, Tito Dan. He was speaking to someone, a man whose voice was very familiar. I listened to their conversation for a few minutes before I realized what was going on.

Tito was speaking to my Dad over the phone. Apparently Tito was at our house during a celebration (I’m not sure if it was my grade school graduation) and he was speaking to my Dad who was at the time, working overseas. He was begging my Dad to care for me. Dad seldom talked. He replied only a couple of times, saying he does care for me. Several times Tito told him that I needed him, that my body was failing me and that it has begun to refuse any kind of food that I take. I reckon this was the time I was rushed to the hospital when I was thirteen. Then Tito told Dad that he’d give the phone to my other uncle, Uncle Jun. They talked very briefly. Then Tito Dan talked again to my dad, telling him with hardly any pause that he should care for me. Dad said something about having talked to me already. Then Tito Dan passed the phone to my mom. They started talking, etc. At this point, I stopped the player.
 

I’ve heard enough.

I understand why Mom taped conversations with my Dad.

I have nothing else to say except that I understand.
    

As of now, I feel as if I’ve reached a spiritual plane I never knew existed. My soul feels afloat, calmed in its silence. I only wish my Mom would stop telling me to depend on my him. He loves me; I believe it so. Only his love feels hollow. It cannot embrace me…I cannot feel its foundations comforting me. He wasn't around when I was growing up. I never heard him say a single word of encouragement when I was crumbling down…when my dreams were collapsing. He left us and returned to visit without so much as an explanation. Or an apology. And when I embraced him with the kisses and tears of a child beset with agony and joy for her father, he laughed at me, amused.

When I was a child, he left me to my own devices to build what his departure destroyed. And I survived. My faith had raised me.

I trust we will still gain much of what we should have had.

I trust in what the Lord has planned. 

I trust the road that I am traveling because I am following my Personal Legend.

June 11, 2002 - Tuesday

There are moments when my soul becomes silent in languid contemplation.
Silence…a deafening mutual agreement of the high powers.

Later

What I aim to achieve is beyond the comprehension of the people that assume to know me. My heart is under so much strain that it feels as if it’s about to burst. I am not alone. My friend and family care for me. My conscience continuously reminds me of these facts.

Then why do I feel so empty…?

Why do I feel so lonely that I can feel everything inside me crumbling down?

Why do I feel as if I’m not understood enough to be loved entirely…?

Why do I feel as if I don’t belong…?

Right now, I’m about to cry. But I can’t. My eyes are already filled with so much tears that I can hardly see what I’m writing. Only there seems to be something that keeps on holding them back.  Pride? Fear? I don’t know. They won’t fall. I won’t let them.

My heart is broken but it’s sonorously beating as if never hurt.
 

I can’t live up to the expectations anyone has of me. I think back on the times when I sat on a soft couch, scared of admitting how I felt, trying to control my fear by losing myself in the entrancing designs of the blue and grey marbled floor. After hearing several words of encouragement, I collected all my guts and let out what I’ve been so afraid of saying aloud. ‘I’m a failure…’

She took my hand in hers and started to tell me I was wrong…that I was worth more than everything precious in the world. Tears started to flow from my eyes. Tears I never imagined I kept. I needed to hear someone say it. And she did.

I’ll be forever grateful to Ms. Anne, our first year guidance counselor and my friend.

More

Where Only The Moon Rages is nice. What really touched me was the story The Woman in The Lighthouse. It has a suitable ending. The conversations crossed the boundary of fiction. I think it deserves a big round of applause.

June 12, 2002 - Wednesday

Mom had another fit today. Her kidney started to hurt this morning. And I called Tito Dan for help. Only he seemed distracted. Anyway, I asked help from Papu who gave me PGH’s number. And then I asked Der’s help to ask for DSWD’s number. If not for both of them, I would simply lose my mind.

I called Dr. Ed Gatchalian and whoever answered was really helpful. He made me choose between PGH and Manila Doctor’s. I told him I preferred PGH, muttered my thanks and clambered up the stairs to tell my Mom the good news.

When we got there, everything went well. Except when we were fixing my mom’s room (we chose ward because it was what we could afford). Unfortunately, there were no vacancies. And the deposit was two thousand six hundred pesos, which was far from my reach considering there were so many tests my Mom needed to take.

So I told the clerk to reserve us for Monday and that we’d come back instead.
 

It has been a long day. But I was able to bear it along with my family because we knew God was watching us. He sent us His blessings.

On the way home, I looked out the window and tried to take in everything I was seeing. And what I noticed was there was something serene about everything. I don’t know how to explain it but the people, the traffic, the sky, the trees…everything seemed in harmony with one another. Remembering how bad I felt yesterday, I couldn’t help but shake my head and smile. The Lord always knows when I need a boost. There’s a rainbow after every storm. I have found my home.

Everything belongs to one another…just as I belong to everything.

June 14, 2002 - Friday

Dad sent me my allowance the other day. I wasn’t expecting it to arrive. I’m thankful…grateful. God works in mysterious ways. Dios ti agnina.

More

I’ve just bought a Josh Groban cd. I’m listening to the song You’re Still You. And I’ve suddenly realized…

…Falling in love with all that is around me has become part of my existence. I constantly fall in love with everything…with everyone. I used to think my heart would never beat again. But now that I think of it, during the times I was shattered…it was love that healed me.
 

Love that is patient and kind…Love that is not jealous or conceited or proud. Love that is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable…love that does not keep a record of wrongs. Love that is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love that never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience that never fail…

…Love that is eternal.

This love that I fill my heart with. Let it be said that love is not always happy. Let it be remembered that love leads to many laughs just as it ends in many tears. But love is something that exceeds everything. It transcends even the most hopeless…the loneliest. I am complete. Love without expectations and you’ll understand how I, lonely as I am, could be complete.
 

‘I look up to everything you are…in my eyes you do no wrong.

And I believe in you…although you never asked me to.

I will remember you…and what life put you through.
 

And in this cruel and lonely world…

…I found one love.

You’re still you.

After all…you’re still you.’

June 16, 2002 - Sunday

We went to Tito Dan’s place today. Mom talked to Aunt Lyn. We all talked to her but not for long because she was tired and we wanted her to rest. I went to an internet café. It was okay.

June 17, 2002 - Monday

I’ve printed my UP forms. I hope I get in.

Random Thoughts

I am surrendering to the One Being I can completely trust. Lead me, Lord.
 

June 19, 2002 - Wednesday

I went to Las Piñas to ask assistance for my UP college application form. And I was completely overwhelmed by the warmth Ms. Marian and Ms. Lhou showed me. I know that I’m no longer under the wings of ESS but when I asked for help from them, they were entirely ready and willing to aid me. I’ll never forget the kindness they showed me for the rest of my life.

First I went inside the registrar’s office. Ms. Marianne told me that there were no problems about them helping me get in but what would really make matters difficult is the question What have been my activities during the entire time I stopped from school? She asked me to look for Ms. Lhou and then return with her to discuss about the matter.

I looked for Ms. Lhou at the Preschool Building but Ms. Josie told me she wasn’t there. She asked how I’ve been and asked where I’m studying. I told her the truth; that I stopped because we had financial problems. She just nodded sympathetically and told me that Ms. Lhou was in a meeting at the Guidance Office.

When I got there, Ms. Lhou just stepped out of the meeting and told me to wait for her and that she’d call when she was free because the meeting wasn’t over yet. While I waited, a certain counselor recognized me and chatted with me. She asked if I was still going out with Brady. I politely grinned and said, ‘No, ma’am.’ She asked the same questions Ms. Josie asked me and I told her the same answers. She told me to pray and never forget that the Lord is always present. I nodded again, in agreement. What made the conversation odd was the fact that I was amused with what she said. Smiling at me, she said, ‘Buti na lang nagbago ka na.. Dati kasi diba para kang rebel?’ I tried to explain what really happened to me, why people perceived me that way while I was in Seton. But I looked at her and stopped myself, returning her smile with a quiet one. People don’t always know the revolution that takes place in your soul; the distress you are solely suffering…and then they create conjectures as if learned in the ways of life. When she looked away, I was human enough to shake my head, more amused than ever.

Ms. Lhou soon came out and we proceeded to the registrar’s office. We waited for Ms. Marian to finish conversing with two parents and then we approached her. She said UP was difficult to enter, especially in my case, I’m asking Seton for aid and they don’t have a clue as to what really happened to me for a year. I asked if my journal would be of help but she didn’t hear me. Ms. Lhou explained eloquently about the UP system. Finally Ms. Marian said there were no problems on Seton’s part, they would give me the assistance I need but I need to prove that I did not enroll for any school during the year I was inactive. I thanked her profusely and Ms. Lhou and I proceeded again to the Guidance Office because she was going to call UP to ask about my case. After several minutes she came back, telling me that I could apply for second semester ’02-’03. She jotted down the info I needed on a piece of paper (which I lost when I passed it to Mama) and then told me to call her and inform her of the outcome.
 

June 20, 2002 - Thursday

Dad texted his annual gross income last night. It’s 317,520 pesos.

We went to UP Diliman today to get a Second Sem Application Form. Everything went well. I asked Dianne for help and I was very overwhelmed because of her swift response. Soon, I was able to find the Admissions Office, talk to Ms. Laila Torres and acquire a form.

I don’t feel too well. I feel very tired but I can’t rest tomorrow because I have to process my UP form. May the Lord bless me.
 

I asked John for Ms. Lhou’s numbers. He was very kind to help me. We’re going to see each other tomorrow at Coco’s place.

And Gole texted (or should I say ‘Ben’?). He said he knew an R&B band that’s looking for a vocalist of something. Then he told me he believed in my potential. That is probably the best…and most unbelievable compliment I’ve ever heard. I love that guy. Not cause it’s an ego thing.

Simply because it’s nice to have someone believe in me, regardless of whether I’m really capable of being what the person thinks. The Lord is working in my life and He takes my worries away. Thank you.

June 22, 2002 - Saturday

I went to Seton yesterday to follow up my form. The registrar’s assistants told me to come back around one thirty. So Ms. Lou and I talked and she suggested I should just leave the form with her and she’d pass it to Ms. Marian. I thanked her profusely and went on my way to file a copy of my Form 137 (because I passed my original to PVAO and Ms. Lou advised me to file a new one at the Registrar’s Office). So I proceeded to the Registar’s Office and asked if I could file a Form 137. But the assistants said they didn’t know about the procedure. Then I was asked if I had already talked with Ms. Marian. I answered, ‘Opo.’ Then this one assistant repeated every single detail I told them about my conversation with Ms. Lou, only she made each statement sound like a question.

Ex. ‘You talked to Ms. Marian?’

      ‘Ms. Lou told you to come here?’

      ‘And what else did she tell you?’

I don’t know why it was so difficult for her to understand that I was telling the truth. Maybe that’s how things really work at the Registrar’s Office. Then the assistant told me to come back around one. I replied, ‘Sige po, babalik na lang po ako.’ I didn’t specify when but I didn’t come back yesterday. In the first place, Ms. Lou and I already talked and she knew I was going to leave already.
 

I went to Coco’s place. But first, Paps and Nicco picked me up from Frio. Nicco was very kind to drop my Mom off at Caffé. Then we went to Papu’s place. We sang a little (Papu/piano; Nicco/piano and guitar).

Then Buffy (Apple) called. We talked for a while. Then after a few moments, we went to the party. I was texting Kitkat the whole time because she was in Manila and she wanted to come to the party but she couldn’t. Anyway, when we got there, we greeted everyone with enthusiastic hugs and kisses. I saw John and we talked a couple of times.
 

June 25, 2002 - Tuesday

I’m anxious for school. I hope I pass.

My vision has become blurry. As time goes on, the blurring increases.

I wonder if it’s something serious.
 

June 26, 2002 - Wednesday

I’ve just finished reading One Hundred Years of Solitude. It’s hauntingly beautiful. Of all the events that occurred, what really wrecked my heart was the death of the child of the last Aureliano. His death was so gruesome that I couldn’t help but feel its image embedded forever in my mind. It was so cruel…so unfair for a child to suffer so much in such a way. Grabe.

Anyway, Kuya Chris arrived today and introduced a new network in such an effective way that when he closed his explanation, saying, ‘Think about it’ I said, ‘I don’t have to think about anything anymore except where to get the 3000 pesos for membership.’

I hope the Lord leads me where He sees me fit.
 

June 28, 2002 – Friday

I’m so inspired. I don’t know why though. Someone up there loves me.

I went to Las Piñas to get my UP form. I owe my entire future to Ms. Lhou. Thanks!

More

What I’m about to write here may sound absurd but it’s how I feel. A part of me has been crushed under an indescribable weight. Deirdre has changed more than all of my friends combined. It is not for me to judge her. All that I am entitled to do is to honor the truth in my feelings. And I’m sad because she’s so distant and I can’t seem to reach her anymore. But I still dearly love her. She’s still the sister I never had.
 

June 30, 2002 - Sunday

I went down today, to call Ms. Lhou and ask for her help with the finalization of my passing the UP requirements. When we finished talking, I called up Carla. I didn’t have much to say except ‘take care’. I hope she’ll always take care of herself. I know she’s very smart and she can take care of herself but I just don’t want her to get hurt.