Another day that God is smiling upon.
Another day to expect miracles.
Another day to remember God is on my side.
There is good, after all, in looking back. It strikes me funny that there were situations in the past wherein I was wiser than the person I am now. It's undeniable, though, that the experiences in the past paved the way for the situations in the present to be more understandable.
Some heartaches render you helpless to the point that you realize it's the perfect time for you to let God drive the car. It's the perfect time to realize that you have to let go of the steering wheel and just let somebody who knows the road better to drive you to your destination.
A wise woman told me that in any given situation, one must not expect anything, so as not to get hurt.
That's not right.
I expect miracles.
September 3, 2002 - Tuesday
I mailed Ms. Lhou and asked if she wanted to join R.O.L.E. I’m praying that she’ll be interested. Dad sent me my allowance today. Thanks Pop.
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An earthquake occurred between 10:29-10:31 PM. The first words I said were, ‘Oh God, Mie.’ (Mie for Mommy). My heart is still pounding.
September 7, 2002 - Saturday
We’ve spent the last few days trying to establish our downlines in the network. Mom and I slept at Ate’s place the other night. She was insisting we stay there longer but we simply couldn’t. Everything’s just wonderful with the family.
The only disappointing thing that happened to me was I got stuck in traffic that’s why I wasn’t able to accompany Der. We were supposed to watch a performance at the CCP.
I really really feel bad about how things turned out. I feel bad about letting her down.
September 8, 2002 - Sunday
I’ve just finished reading The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. I was in third/fourth grade when I first read it. It is simply moving. Parang The Alchemist ni Paulo Coelho.
I bought The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry and The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
September 9, 2002 - Monday
Today, Ate Abbie brought me to Drysdale. I was already inside when I learned that we were applying formally for work. They interviewed us separately. I messed up a little. If I don’t get accepted, I’d be happier because I’d be able to watch Samurai X and Inu-Yasha. I bought The Hound of the Baskervilles by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Tess of D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy.
Mom bumped into Epy Bata this afternoon. She’s Sonny Aguda’s wife. Sonny Aguda is the father of Alirez and Maan, Ms. Beth’s daughters. We learned so many things about Ms. Beth. And it hurts us, Mom and I, to know that Dad doesn’t entirely know what he’s gotten into. He is my father and I know that if I interfere, I would get in the way of his happiness. But I believe in the power of prayer. I have faith that the Lord will keep watch over my father and guide him
September 10, 2002 - Tuesday
I’ve just finished reading The Great Gatsby by F. S. Fitzgerald. What a tragic ending. If I were a character in that novel, I would be Gatsby himself. The part about having one dream all your life sort of made me ponder.
Later
I feel distressed over matters of which I am not entirely certain if they should concern me. There is the matter of the family and reuniting people who stubbornly refuse to reconcile. There is the matter of attending functions that are advantageous only they are entirely in the line of my simple happiness. There is the matter of realizing time every single moment every day and night.
It seems as if suddenly, time has made itself more manifest to me. There seems to be a lack of time for doing everything correctly. I want to contribute for the good of the family and in saying this; I mean repairing whatever bond there used to be.
Only now do I doubt if I should be doing what I am doing. Everyone seems to have lost interest, lost…hope in ever being a family again. As one family member once said, ‘Everyone has his own life to live, his own family to concern himself with.’
*Sigh*
I am lost. Even the colors I invent and reinvent cannot express how I feel.
I am in networking. I also applied for Drysdale.
For consecutive Wednesdays we’ve been praying at Baclaran for assistance in everything we do. I asked the Lord’s help so that we might be able to settle our financial troubles.
The Lord graciously answered our prayers by helping us join a business.
What bothers me is not how things have turned out.
On the contrary I am very deeply impassioned because the Lord loves us very much.
*Sigh*
What makes me feel uncomfortable is dealing with matters of finance. I do not want to deal with money for it buys only temporal happiness. It cannot quench my soul because my soul desires what is beyond it. Only the Lord Jesus can make me truly and entirely happy.
I humbly prayed for the Lord to lead me where He sees me fit, to provide for all of us that which we deserve and what we deserve only.
More
Things are very odd.
We went to Lolo’s grave today and prayed for his soul. Today’s his death anniversary.
Something’s not right with things. Nevertheless we believe in the Lord’s presence in our lives.
More
I’ve just had a glimpse at the TV. Mom’s been watching the news. There was a bomb threat today at the British embassy. They were showing what happened there and as I watched, I felt as if I’ve already seen everything. Now more than ever, I am sure I dreamt of what happened. Even the men passing through the metal detector. Even the man who seemed to be vacuuming the underside of a car.
September 14, 2002 - Saturday
I received several text messages from Ate.
“Sis wat news kay ma2? bgla din ako nagwori kc kay uncle bka inatake s mga snbi ko. kc mainit ulo ko pg gcing ang aga2 kc tmwag din n ma2 kya sira araw ko nun” 14:50:14
I told her I didn’t have any news also because Mama hasn’t visited for the past two-three days.
Then she said.
“Nku knkbhan n tlaga ako. dat day kc ung nkausap ako n ma2 na ngkta na cla n boni. lam nyo b no. s pasay? bka ano pgawa n flora kay ma2 s galit.” 14:58:02
I replied.
The conversation ended with my message saying that if ever something comes up I’ll text her right away.
Later this evening we texted again. She sent me business cards (numbers that Mama used in calling her) and told me to call them up. I did. No one was answering with the first number she sent me. But someone answered the second number. After greeting ‘good evening’ I asked if there was a Mr. or Mrs. Malto residing there.
In asking this I was thinking that perhaps a relative of Mama owns the number she used in calling Ate Odette up. But the man simply said, ‘Wala.’ I thanked him and hung up.
Then I texted Ate saying that my efforts were fruitless and that perhaps the second number used was a public (pay) phone. I then asked what kind of threat there was for Mama from F.
She then answered.
“D k maintndhan e. kc sbi nya bsta ayokong maiskandalo c bosing ko at pg nyari un ewan ko? usually kc tmtwag na s kin yan lagi.cyempre bka ano gawin nla ky ma2.” 21:03:49
We conversed for a while through text messaging. I told her that the fire should’ve been extinguished from the very roots. Finally I told her to relax and to remember the power of prayer.
Her last message is…
“ok tnx sis. sori s istorbo ha, ingat kau n mmy. sa mnday s bhay kau tlog para sa tues. sbay2 n tau punta s skul n tta julie.” 21:19:22
Extra
Someone texted me last August 20. I do not know who owns the number and when I called it up, the person who answered me seemed irritated because according to her, ‘they’ were in the middle of a prayer meeting.
85290156424 (the number)
The message…
“HAPI…HAPI, B-DAY I WISH U HAVE MORE B-DAY TO COME.”
September 15, 2002 - Sunday
Ate just texted me through Ate’s cel. Ate’s very worried for Mama just as we are. Ate called up and I passed the phone to Mom after we talked for a while. Then Mom and Ate talked. Ate was crying on the phone.
So I replied.
I’ll add here one text message I received from Ate Nine last June 21, 2002, 22:24:56
“Ok lng.sn dumting yung time n mkpgusp tyong dlw lng.”
September 16, 2002 – Monday
Ate has just texted me.
“Sis tmwag na c ma2. nkausap k cya. maga daw paa nya kya d mkalakad. sbi ko tmwag dyan sa inyo. Im ok na. c u l8r.”
*Whew* What a relief…
September 17, 2002 - Tuesday
It’s Gian’s birthday today. From Ate’s place, we proceeded to Punta to meet Tita Julie’s co-teachers. Ate presented the business marketing plan and I regret to say that I was not of any help in her orientation. Especially when she was being asked so many questions all at once. Hope my Ates forgive me.
We rushed home and had an accident on the road. The Lord was watching over us.
September 19, 2002 - Thursday
Mom and Kuya Chris have been arguing. He called up because Kaye told him things that Mom didn’t say. He even said that he didn’t set up a meeting with me before (May 1 and previous entries). BAKIT GANUN? ANG SAMA SAMA NG LOOB KO, NAIIYAK NA AKO. WALA NAMAN KAMING SINASABING GANUN.
Later
Kaye called Auntie Del over the phone and told her that she wasn’t the one who said all those things about the networking. She said it was all Ate Abbie’s fault.
More
I have no peace of mind as long as I am here…as long as I am near the family I loved…the family that has long pretended to love me in return. It is unfortunate enough that all my friends have revolved and I have not. It is worse that I have not a family to embrace me.
I trust the designs of the Lord and He will not let me be so unhappy for long. He knows how I used to be, how cold and malevolent I used to be. It was during the time when I felt as if there was absolutely nothing else to be happy for.
It was as if I had a beautiful painting of life and it betrayed me. I thought I was loved but I was wrong. And it led me to so much anger that I could hardly refrain myself from turning into the epitome of rage.
Now, the events are happening once more in a different format. The only difference between then and now is the fact that I have become the Lord’s servant every moment of my life. I cannot chase away my sadness because it is only natural to feel hurt when you have devoted yourself into loving every member of the family only to find out that they cannot love you back. It is truly painful.
Nevertheless, what pain begins, faith ends.
May the Lord witness how I will not be moved by trials…only my love for Him moves me.
Everything is His dwelling place.
September 20, 2002 - Friday
Pop’s text message:
‘Of course nman, hndi uuwi c ppa pag wlang PS2 I LOVE YOU.’09:24:15
September 28, 2002 - Saturday
We’ve been spending the past days with Ate. Actually we were going to visit for a day or two only. Unfortunately I suffered from a sudden case of measles. Ate provided my medicine. They took me to the doctor and I was advised to stay inside the house for 4-5 days. While I was recovering, Mom’s kidney began to ache. Then she suffered a painful attack right around the kidney area. She was crawling when we were able to finally convince her to go to the hospital with us. At the hospital, her blood and urine were examined. The result was that her blood was infected and her urine had traces of occult blood. She’s scheduled for a KUB-IVP on Monday to confirm what she has. During the entire time that we were there, her pain was eased by the IV medicines they gave her.
Things are better. We went home for a while to get more things, clothes, etc. I was carrying Gian for a couple of minutes wherein suddenly Aunt Del came out of nowhere and took the child from me. Tears threatened to come out from my eyes. But I bit my lip and kept my distress inside. I truly love the child and it hurt me that she took him away from me as if taking a box or a bundle of clothes from me.
The sadness in me is growing…gripping me until its hold is choking me and I am on the verge of tears. But tears result to more tears. I am brave because there is a great need for me to be brave.
But rain does not only fall from the sky.
MoreSeptember 12, 2002 - Thursday
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