A Look Back: 2000 (Con't) The Revelation

After several hours of trying to get some sleep, I'm up again. Raised by the relentless singing at the beerhouse near our village. This time they're playing One Last Cry to the gyrating bodies of God knows what. I tried to put off posting the rest of the story but couldn't help myself. The story reads like fiction, yet every detail truly happened. I wonder if my friends from high school have identified the code names I've assigned. They probably have, such smart kids. I don't know what else to do to be able to provide a more convenient standard of living for my son. I'm trying to make ends meet but things aren't still working out the way I planned. I guess this time I have to take drastic actions.
 
In the meantime, more from the past...
 
January 8, 2001 - Monday

Today we watched Disc 1 of Crime and Punishment. Today's also our deadline for submitting our computer project. We were given until 11AM. He was absent and loathe as I am to admit it, I was getting worried. Wanting to know if he would make it, I texted him good morning. And to my shock, he replied. He rarely replies to my text messages. When it was around 10AM, I could no longer help myself so I finally asked him how he intends to submit his project. His reply was, "Bigay ko nalang sa yo." I wonder what his plans were if I hadn't reminded him.  Soon, the bell rang signaling lunch. Choco, Salsa Dancer and I went to the canteen. We were already in line, waiting for our turn to grab food when my phone suddenly rang (imagine the state of panic I was in realizing I forgot to switch it to silent mode and it was ringing in all its glory in the middle of a crowd in a school where beepers and cell phones were prohibited). It was him. Choco and Salsa Dancer started teasing me incessantly after learning who I was talking to.

"Asan ka na?" I asked, running to the corner to avoid being caught by teachers.
 
"Asa Casimiro na ko," he replied, urgency evident in his voice.

"Ok. Punta na ko sa guard," I said, knowing we were only minutes away from the deadline.
 
Ignoring my grumbling stomach, I dashed to the entrance of the school. When I got there, I saw him running towards the gate, placing a plastic bag on the table and giving instructions to the guard. Probably telling him someone would be picking up the plastic bag. My heart kind of skipped a beat when I saw he had written my name on the plastic. I called out to him and when he saw me, he seemed surprised to see me there. He smiled, exclaiming "O!" That was the only word I understood because after that he tried to talk but was getting tongue-tied. In a flurry of arms and plastic bag, I threw him a quick grin and said, "Sige na." I knew he was in a hurry so I waved goodbye, turned around and was getting ready to run to the faculty office when he shouted.

"Thank you! Tawagan nalang kita mamaya!"
 
And he did. He called. I was in the middle of studying my notes when my phone rang. Skipped another beat when I heard his voice say, "Hello." He asked about things he missed, homework and stuff like that. But what made both of us laugh was the fact that he kept getting tongue-tied. Wonder what's up.
 
January 25, 2001 - Thursday
6:55PM - 7:00PM
 
It's a late night practice of INFERNO. Our play after the successful Blessed. We weren't supposed to stay in the campus that late but for the sake of practice... :) We were rehearsing (we would be playing as demons) the dance but it was becoming extremely difficult because we couldn't do the dances effectively and we were having problems with the choreography. While the other dancers brainstormed and planned out a couple of more dance steps, I decided to take a break. I sat on the stage with my legs dangling by the shrubs. I was too busy gazing at the stars that I didn't notice he was sitting just a few feet away. We caught each other's eye and it felt awkward to be sitting far from each other so I moved closer and asked him what's up. We just gazed at the stars and I pointed at various stars I remember, showing him the constellations I knew and telling him which star was hot or cold. I was teaching him how to find the North Pole by finding the Pole Star/Polaris when suddenly a shooting star appeared and vanished as quickly. I couldn't help grinning because we were both looking at the sky at that moment, I was sure he didn't miss it. I asked him if he saw it. He seemed confused at first, "Alin?" Then he said, "Ah yun? Oo..."
 
Then it hit him.

"Teka...shooting star yun diba?" then he grew incredibly excited, "Uy!!! Sa wakas nakakita na ko ng shooting star!" He looked at me and flashed an open smile. He continued to make a fuss about it, even clapping his hands a couple of times like a kid, as he resume watching the stars...while I smiled, gazing, no longer at the sky.
 
It sounds mushy but for me, it's only poignant. The moment was poignant. Because I know there are two things I can't keep from happening and they're bound to happen sooner. First, I'll find myself telling him how I feel. And second, we'll be saying goodbye soon.
 
January 31, 2001 - Wednesday
INTRAMS...
 
February 2, 2001 - Friday
SENIORS WON OVERALL!!! GRAND CHAMPS of the Intrams AND the CHEERING COMPETITION!!! Man, I'm so happy I'm going to explode in mirth.
 
I participated in the Kuliot competition (tug-of-war) and I wrote his initials on the sleeves of my Intrams shirt. We won the game. :) Tropang Bochog is awesome.
 
Our batch was getting ready for our turn in the Cheering Competition, walking towards designated positions in the quadrangle and I was walking among them when I noticed him, already standing in the middle of the quadrangle (being one of the pep squad leaders). I started walking towards him because I wanted to wish him good luck when he saw me and started to walk in my direction. When we were close enough, we did a half-hug and wished the best for our batch. :) Not sure how much luck that contributed but God was definitely smiling down on us. I put my heart out in our performance as everybody else did, and the commanding presence of the assembled Greek Gods and Goddesses was unmistakable. We walked with power and grace, proud of our stature, every inch of our skin no longer the mortal 4th year high school student. Rather we emanated immortality, our eyes flashing anger at these lowly human beings who dared to brace us. I looked at my friends, fellow Gods and Goddesses and saw we had one thing in common. The determination to win.

I was no longer Shai. I was Hera, from head to foot, cunning, jealous queen of Zeus, holding the peacock feathers in my arms as I would a trophy. The drumbeat started slow and as we made our entrance in the middle of the batch, with the rest of the batch crouched on the ground bowing to us, all the more our competitors gazed at us in awe. The sequnce was executed flawlessly. And as we made our exit with the rest of the batch back in their original crouching position, we knew we had made our statement. We didn't come to compete. We came to conquer.
 
When they announced that we had won, we were ecstatic! It was one of the best feelings in the world, to know that everyone's efforts paid off. I will never forget it, and I'll still remember it for years to come.
 
February 6, 2001 - Tuesday
A sad day. Disclosure.

I finally told him the truth. Since I couldn't say it to his face, I gave him a copy of my journal. Yes, the journal where I recorded every smile, every song, everything that made my heart flutter and double in pain. Actually, I asked Beautiful Clouds to hand him the journal. I omitted the stuff he didn't need to read (what I was doing that day, books I was reading, etc) and retained only the most important things I wrote about him.

Embryo and Physio were in the auditorium at that time because we were taking an experimental test. During a break, I asked Beautiful Clouds to hand it to him. She has been so kind to me. If it weren’t for her, I think I would’ve gone crazy. She’s such a good friend and has always been supportive of me that I know I have a priceless treasure in my life.
The following event is the aftermath of the disclosure.

We were sitting beside each other during THE and only a couple of minutes remained before lunch break ends and the class resumes. The class is always divided into 6 groups every THE period and each group has its own table. At this point, EVERYONE in the class already knows how I feel about him.

He was the last to know.

I couldn’t bear sitting beside him in silence so I dared to talk to him. I asked if he wanted to talk.

He smiled. I’ve seen his smile numerous times before and it hurt me when I saw this one. It was clear he smiled because he felt uneasy. He politely said, “I’m not sure.” Then he looked away.

This time I couldn’t bring myself to speak with him so I scribbled, Are you okay? I slipped the piece of paper under his arm which was resting on the table. He turned his head towards me but keeping his eyes downcast, he nodded and hurriedly looked away. Then I wrote, Are you mad? He looked at it with a fixed smile. With the same downcast eyes, he slowly shook his head, muttering, “No.” In a last desperate effort to find out what he was feeling, I scribbled again on the paper, this time writing, Just terribly awkward?

To my heart’s ruin, he finally looked at me with a sad smile and murmured, “…Medyo.”

The world seemed to crash at that moment. I was prepared for it. I had expected his reaction. Still, it really is different when you’re in the actual moment. Suddenly, all the control I thought I’ve mastered disappeared. With tears blurring in my eyes, the thought of the next few days being empty flashed in my mind. I thought about his smile…laughter…the songs…our friendship…everything will change…all because I couldn’t keep a single truth to myself.

Finally, after the long struggle of concealing my feelings, I broke down and cried quietly. Leaning my head on the table and trying in vain to hide myself with my arms. Poet was sitting at my right and I looked into his eyes, despair weighing me down heavier every minute. He could see me crying while I did my best to hide it from him, who was sitting at my left. Poet, with a sad smile on his face, squeezed my shoulder and whispered, “…Don’t do this.”

The more inconsolable I became. There was no way I could easily recover from the pain and shame I was feeling inside. Too weak, numb and stupid to move of my own will, Poet steadily guided me out of the room even though our teacher was present, preoccupied with a bunch of papers and waiting for the bell to signal that lunch was over. The rest of our classmates who were in the room were too preoccupied as well, chatting with one another, laughing, singing, living life normally…completely opposite to what was happening to me.

As soon as we were outside, I leaned on the wall while Poet began to scold me gently. “Why are you doing this? Why are you letting him see you cry?” I couldn’t even speak to answer that it didn’t matter. I was ashamed, everything had turned grotesque. I was a pathetic school girl who had been trying to put depth in the smiles and laughter I enjoyed with him. In reality, it had just been a lot of gushing of stupid, mushy stuff that I’ve always felt I was incapable of. I’m more logical than that. Surely I have the capacity to face this world and “act like a man”. What happened to my armor, the one I delicately have been building up to become stronger and impenetrable since I was 12 years old? I was an idiot. And to make matters worse, I was a blubbering idiot at that.

I continued to sob in my hands while Poet continued asking me to stop crying. He said the veins in my forehead were beginning to show, and I felt him tracing one with his hand. Our classmates started to flock around us since lunch break still wasn’t over. It was the first time lunch felt like an eternity. I heard Papa Bear exclaim, “Sino pare?” and the unmistakable sound of a fist hitting a palm.

I wanted to pause at that moment and just rest. This had been my escape from reality, reality being that things were a lot worse at home, we were losing money fast and the possibility of eviction was near. Now, I can’t escape. Both my reality and my other world has transformed into places of pain. I needed to go home, and for one day, just stop hurting. The more they stopped me from leaving, the more I felt suffocated that when I finally was on my way, I was staggering, my hands were numb, it was hard to breathe and I couldn’t see clearly ahead of me.

I was already outside the building when I knew someone was behind me. I also knew who it was.

“I’ll be fine,” this time finally able to regain a little of my dignity as I wiped the tears in my eyes with hatred at them for showing. “Come on, let’s get back to class,” he encouraged. I didn’t know if I could. I asked him to go back and politely told him this was something I needed to handle by myself, that I appreciated his concern but I needed some time alone to think. He nodded, understanding and respecting the request. Such a good friend.

When I got back to our real classroom (we transfer to another classroom during THE and leave our bags in our original classroom), I heard hurried footsteps behind me. Beautiful Clouds and Hermione came running after me. When they finally caught up with me, they told me the least thing I was prepared for.

He was crying.

They said he went out of the room, asking our classmates about the commotion and my whereabouts. When they told him I was crying and that I had left, he sat on the bench. Sunrise sat beside him and gently patting his shoulder, asked, “What happened ba?” That’s when they said he broke down.

I was really confused now. Maybe he felt guilty, thinking it was because of him that I left abruptly, hence the tears. Nonetheless, I didn’t want him to cry. I was worried. I went back with them to class but then the class was over and someone approached me and told me that Angelic Voice had asked him if he felt something for me. They said, his reply was “…Hindi ko alam…”

We got the chance to talk after the class. The only people left in the classroom, I explained that I just wanted to be honest, because I realized I needed to tell him myself before other people beat me to it. He thought about it for a while and said he appreciated my good intentions. I told him…that almost everyone knew. And that Nanette also knew. He was surprised and asked what they said and how they reacted. I told him they were also surprised. There was an awkward silence after that.

Then I said, “I’m sorry…” and explained that I didn’t know what to do so I asked them for advice. He said it was okay.

“So what should I do?” I then asked him.

He smiled uneasily and answered, “Basta, move on na…”

I fell quiet for a while, pondering. Then I asked, “Does that mean I should forget you?”

“No, it doesn’t mean that…” came his quick reply.

“Does that mean I should forget how I feel about you…?”

“No, it doesn’t mean…” then horror struck him. “I mean, ikaw! Bahala ka, kung anong mas makakabuti sayo…” he replied with an awkward smile. He said he then needed to go home so we said our goodbyes. I was still sitting on top of the table in the empty Embryology classroom, my head bowed, lost in thoughts…when I heard footsteps by the door.

He came back.

“Um…Shai?”

I looked up.

“Thank you nga pala sa notebook…” he said, this time finally smiling the familiar smile I’ve seen many times before. Tears sprung in my eyes. “You’re welcome,” I choked, forcing a smile as cheerful as his. With a last flash of his grin, he turned and left.

2nd Realization.

February 7, 2001 – Wednesday

We practiced for INFERNO today. But most importantly, I spoke with Nanette.

6:30PM – 8:30PM. She said I should pursue my feelings because one of us needs to carry the other. One of us needs to be strong for the other. I need to think about that.

Afterwards, we stayed at the basketball court. I was with Choco, Poet, Usher, Papa Bear, Swimming Varsity and Jester. We were chatting by pairs when Poet suddenly blurted out. “Ambigat ni Shai magsulat.”

To my surprise, Usher and Choco agreed.

I was overwhelmed. Then they asked me how I’ve been.

I decided to answer comically, so I said, grinning “There’s still my ex…”

It was only after that I made the remark when I realized I had made a bad joke because of their reaction. They fell silent. Choco looked at me uneasily, and said, “Haven’t you heard?” I asked, “Heard what?” Usher followed. He said my ex and Rose were already dating. They were actually more than dating. They were officially together. Then they all looked at me, anticipating my reaction. I wasn’t surprised.

I’ve been sure all along that I knew him better than he knew himself. And their being together finally has proven it. I’ve been vindicated. All those months of fighting and jealous tears, of suspicious busy dial tones and of hearing about him being spotted somewhere with someone, the cold treatment both groups gave me, the feeling of losing something I wasn’t sure I was losing because he kept denying it, the moment I remember vividly up to this day when I was in the PE room on the fourth floor looking out the window and seeing them suddenly in the hallway on the third floor in the building across, him stooping on the ground to tie her shoelaces. Vindication. I did know him well after all. I remember how we broke up, vividly, even way before Embryo became tight. I was sitting on the table right outside the canteen and had asked him earlier to meet there. He answered in such bad temper that he had a lot of things to do. But I had asked him again, this time, with restrained pain in my voice. He must’ve noticed because he took a second look at me and agreed. When he arrived, he sat on the table across me. I expressed my gratitude to him for the 3 years we were together, and for the years longer than that that we were friends. And then I told him I knew I was no longer making him happy. So to save him from the burden of thinking of enough reason to break up with me, I’ll do him a favor and set him free. To be with her. I smiled again, in tears, and told him to take care. He was in tears, looking down at me from the table he was sitting on, agony and relief on his face and before he could say something, I walked away.

A few days after that, people told me things I didn’t even want to know about. There were long hours of conversation that lasted until morning. They were now frequently seen in campus, having lunch together, being together all the time. Until, in the present, with my friends sitting in the basketball court, they finally confirmed what I’ve known ahead of everyone else. The parting did him well. He’s happy now. As for me, I’m hopeful time will come the pain of having lost someone before anything beautiful even began would end and things would become bearable again in this world.

A Look Back: 2000 (Con't)

It's late afternoon, around 5PM. All the windows in the room are open and though the sun is slowly making its way to rest and prepare for a new day, I've never fully appreciated the beauty of life than when I am writing, unbound by tasks that need to be completed. Like freefalling. You don't think, you just jump. I don't process, I just write. And write more. With all the time in the world. The independence to look inwardly. To examine where I am and where I should be heading.

More from the past...

November 16, 2000 - Thursday

I had a great day today! We had an activity in Homeroom wherein we were supposed to write three things about ourselves and make other people guess who we were. When Ms. Lhou read my paper, I looked at my classmate, just to make others think I wasn't the one being described. "Unpredictable, Music Lover, Crazy". All of a sudden, he raised his hand and blurted out, "Si Shai daw po!". I felt my cheeks grow hot. At this point, I had already informed close friends regarding my feelings so the littlest association of my name with anything to do with him stirs them up. I was painfully aware of their knowing stares and suppressed giggles. Ms. Lhou looked at him and asked, "Daw?" referring to the uncertainty in his voice if he had guessed correctly. He said, "Ay hindi...Si Shai po! (with conviction)"

I passed the cheering auditions!!! Yes! I'm so happy :). Since the theme of our entry would be Greek Gods and Goddesses, I get to play as Hera.

Somebody up there loves me!

November 19, 2000 - Sunday

I'm basking in memories. My best friend used to be around all the time. We used to be together almost everyday. Just watching TV or pigging out or listening to music or watching movies. But now, being alone has done me more good. I've been given all the time I need to understand who I've become and how to improve myself. Thanks to RENT. It has been such an inspiration.

An excerpt. "I should tell you, I should tell you...I have always loved you. You can see it in my eyes."

November 20, 2000 - Monday 

I've just finished reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. It was awesome! I wish I could join the Triwizard Competition.

We had our first batch meeting today for the upcoming intramurals. Nanette reminded me of Dumbledore. She has his commanding presence.

I was impressed awhile ago. We, the choir, were practising in the auditorium earlier and we were supposed to write down our names on a piece of paper. I asked him to write my name since he grabbed my pen to write his name first. And he did. He wrote down my complete name, with the middle name. I'm amazed he remembered.

The audition for the Math Jingle was also held awhile ago. Salsa Dancer and I had agreed to be groupmates but since we didn't know who else to invite and a group with an incomplete number of members would be disaqualified, we grabbed a couple of people regardess whether they wanted to join us or not. We grabbed Mr. Guitarist (who created the concept but didn't know which group to join) and Chinky Eyes. We were still short of one member so we wrote down Buffy's name (since she was the only left available because she was absent). I provided the back-up vocals for the song. I was incredibly shy because the song's message was serious but the tune was light (we used Awitin Mo as the tune). Good thing Salsa Dancer performed as the comic relief.

November 22, 2000 - Wednesday

While waiting for cheering practice to start, I was staring at nothing in particular, singing Fallin' at the top of my lungs in the corridor. Suddenly, someone outside the classroom joined me in singing the song. I turned around to see who it was and I was stunned to see him grinning as he continued to sing the song. I took my eyes off of him and saw Beautiful Clouds grinning at me from inside the classroom.

Our group was chosen to represent the class in the Math Jingle Competition! We'll be competing with classes from different levels. I'm so excited!

November 23, 2000 - Thursday

It's Mama's birthday today. Sis greeted her through my cell phone. My high for the day?

WE WON 1ST PLACE IN THE MATH JINGLE! WHOO-HOO!!!

At least now I can say that I've contributed a little something to the Embryo Hall of Awards. We were really nervous since the Maria Matika group (the Juniors' representative) was really good. They were able to capture the audience (Well, majority of the audience was composed of their batchmates). There were no Seniors. We really expected Embryo to come watch and support us. Since there were high expectations every time a member of the class joins contests, we really needed our support group. But Seton Notes members were not in school at that  time, so the class was reduced to a few people. The few people who were left couldn't attend because they had class. I really felt like crying.

So we were sitting on the floor in front of the stage, nail-biting, nervously waiting for our turn...when somebody suddenly tapped me on the shoulder. It was him, and right behind him was Doe-Eyed. Salsa Dancer and I couldn't hide our grins. We stood up and saw that some of our friends had also arrived. While waiting for our turn, he kept asking me to help him with the adjectives he needed for his emcee stint. Finally, it was our turn to perform. My hands felt stiff and I made a couple of mistakes, nevertheless, we got through it. And when they announced that we won (we were all sitting on the floor and he was sitting in front of me), he turned around, threw his arms around me and we both started screaming excitedly. Seem familiar? *Grin* Yeah you go, Embryo!

Choco and I made plans to go to the mall later that night because she had to pick something up from a store. We were already in the FX when Enigma suddenly appeared and got in the FX with a friend. That's when I realized how much I missed her. She was the only person I showed my real self to and the only person who understood my imperfections. I wanted so much to befriend her when she was still in Seton but I didn't think I was worth her time. But there was one incident when we toured the school, just the two of us. It was a bit unnerving how she read me so easily. She noted that everytime I write a letter, I always start with apologies. She added that, there was something about me...about the way I write. That there's so much passion in the words, as probably the writer also has. I've put up defenses ever since I realized that pain was real. Then I learned to savor it ever since I realized it was inevitable. Only I never admitted...that it hurt. That I was too weak to be strong. That I was too much of a coward to make a difference and establish my own place in the world. But when we talked that day, she made me feel some form of belongingness. It made up for all the years I've been lonely. I owe her a lot. Thanks, Ms. ______.

November 27, 2000 - Monday

I saw how the pressure of handling our batch was affecting Nanette. I wish there was something I can do to help her.

November 29, 2000 - Wednesday

We were having our on-the-job-training during our THE class so we lingered outside the canteen. When the bell rang and it was time to get our bags upstairs. I lingered a bit with him and Buffy. They were chatting and I was absent-mindedly tying my hair up real high when he suddenly broke through my trance. "Alam mo, ang ganda mo ng ganyan. Dapat ganyan na lang ayos nyo sa cheering." :)

November 30, 2000 - Thursday

October and I bought a gift for Anime. Then we ate with her family afterwards at CPK. After that, we watched CATS at Choco's while preparing our entry for the Recycled Christmas-Tree Contest.

December 3, 2000 - Sunday 

We went to school riding in Batt. Com's pick-up. It was such a challenge holding on since it was raining hard and we had to prevent the Christmas tree we made out of recycled phone directories from getting drenched. Cursing Nurse broke down and cried...and I felt the same way. Only I was too exhausted to cry. I just wish we'd win this contest because God knows we worked hard for it. Now it just need a few finishing touches, and voila! I hope Cursing Nurse is feeling better now. Also, Poet has expressive hands. I noticed them when he was fixing the tree.

The rain makes me feel lonely.

December 6, 2000 - Wednesday

He was absent today. Something to do with an errand. Poet liked RENT. It's wonderful that he was able to connect with the story the same way I was. And we won 2nd place in the Recycled Christmas Tree-Making Contest! It's been a great year! Thanks to Cursing Nurse and the terrific class. :)

December 7, 2000 - Thursday

Poet and I had a chance to sit down and talk. We seemed to have this connection. A connection between two lonely people...lonely because we feel isolated from the rest of the world. Like nobody else understands us. There seems to be this kind of boundary that separates us from the rest of the world that even though we're within the crowd, our search for real companionship surfaces. He thought the rumors he heard about me were true. It hurt me so much to realize that those rumors spared no one. It reached and deceived him as well.

I've never shown my true self to anybody. What made me live this way was the fact that I realized the world didn't even have a small space for me. I'm not worth knowing. I am as boring and disinteresting as boring and disinteresting gets. Poet said something only one other person said...one who saw through my defenses and found me. "You have such passion in you. The way you sing, the way you talk, the way you write...it's even in your eyes." I've concealed myself for years, wearing a mask that fooled many. Only Enigma nad Poet saw through the mask. Saw the withered soul behind these eyes. Everything is still the same. But at least now, there's two of us, sharing the same soul.

December 10, 2000 - Sunday

I was too tired to write about my day out with the girls. We went to Festival Mall. It was loads of fun! We ate at Sbarro's and watched Charlie's Angels. Lawyer, Choco and Chinky Eyes are the best girl friends anyone can ever have. We even had our picture taken. It was only after we had our picture taken did we learn that we all had problems that day. So we ended up sharing our troubles, listening emphatically to one another and offering comfort as best we could.

I want to ask him if we could go to the Graduation Ball together. He had asked me first but I don't know if that was serious and I'm not sure how to bring the subject up. Wish me luck.

December 16, 2000 - Saturday

I love this day! We had our Christmas party at school. As I got to the classroom, the first one to greet me Happy Holidays was him. He stepped out of the room just when I was in a hurry because I was assigned to bring barbecue and I was running late. He beamed when he saw me, hugged me and kissed the air beside my cheek, cheerfullly saying, "Merry Christmas!" I smiled and choked back, "Merry Christmas..." When I got in, I almost placed the letters I made for everyone in the barbecue platter and almost started giving barbecue to everyone. *Disoriented*

The part wherein we were taking pictures was fun! Everyone was game whenever someone called out, "Picture!!!" Everyone made a mad dash to be in front of the camera in time. When Jester dashed for the boys' comfort room with the camera (he was supposed to take a picture with ALL of us in it), what the heck, the girls followed! Too bad Ms. Trigo wasn't around to catch us *Grin*.

Only one thing prevented me from enjoying the night from start to finish. He left early. So I called him up. I asked him why the curfew. He said it was because his sister went home early and he had to accompany her. He asked me what happened after he left so I told him people began dancing with one another, including Choco and Pokemon *Smiling from ear to ear*. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was fixing their Christmas lights. It was 10Pm and he was fixing Christmas lights? It struck me as funny so I laughed, and he laughed. I said, "Ok. Good night! Merry Christmas!" He said the same thing, only in a different order so I sort of responded according to that and he was doing the same thing. We kept saying, "Ok, good night, Merry Christmas!" for 20 seconds I think. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all. But I don't really know how long I can keep this up.

December 18, 2000 - Monday

Choco texted me something weird. She said there was a big possibility he feels the same way.

I think I need to lie down.

December 20, 2000 - Wednesday

We went to Taguig and we're here at my Uncle's flat. We're going to stay for the night. Anyway, we heard there were so many things going on between my Uncle's family and my Aunt's family. I'd rather not write about them. I don't want to remember them when I read this in the future.

December 26, 2000 - Tuesday

How do you paint life in the most concrete way possible? ...See it through my eyes. For the past few days, we've been running from one place to another, asking relatives to help us in our dire situation. We know where we're sincerely welcome, and where our presence is severely detested. Some people are happy to see our downfall. Those people, sadly, are of our own blood and kin. I'm going to work hard to achieve my goals. I want to go to Broadway. Maybe someday I'll be lucky... Maybe someday I'll be successful... Maybe, just maybe, our paths would cross again.

January 2, 2001 - Tuesday

Classes resume tomorrow. He sort of...well...I don't know what to make of it. I asked if we could go to the Graduation Ball together (been planning to tell him there) and he replied, "I don't know because I'm not sure yet..." Now I'm confused. Was that a "no"? Or a "wait"? I can't read between the lines. Help me out here. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe it's meant for me to tell him while there's still time. Anyway, I feel strangely excited about life. I don't know why. I just feel inspired this year...

A Look Back: 2000 (Con't)

When all else in the present fails, it's only right to time-travel in the past.

More...

October 23, 2000 - Monday

We're moving out of the house soon. But I wasn't about to leave my glow-in-the-dark stars behind. So I spent all afternoon plucking out the stars from the ceiling. I'm very tired. Come to think of it. It was a symbolic moment. Someday, when God finally gives me the right chance, I will reach my dreams. The same way I reached for the stars.

I'm missing someone. I don't even understand why I feel this way. It's scary to be this happy. There was a time when I believed that I could feel this happy with someone from the past. Instead I felt insecure. Maybe I was close to being happy. But things always got in the way. My jealousy. His pride. If we've remained friends, I honestly believe we would've been so much happier. But things changed. People replace the emptiness in our hearts.

I'm off to a new start.  With the awareness that in the process of beginning, I am bringing myself to my own destruction. I'm not expecting the friendship right now to blossom. I just never want the happy moments to end.

October 25, 2000 - Wednesday

Today's the competition for the best presentation of Mother Seton's life and works. I was on my way to  the rehearsal last Tuesday when Mr. Guitarist passed by the house. Since he was also on his way to the rehearsal, we went to our classmate's house together where the practices would be held.

As expected, he was there, conducting practice as usual. And he was his usual strict self. When I saw that he was taking a break, I took a chance and talked to him, advising him to control his temper. I told him he may not mean being so cross but some people might be sensitive and get hurt. There was a distant look in his eyes as he just muttered, "Yeah".

And I did a crazy thing. I almost told him how I felt.

I asked him if I could ask him something and he told me to just ask away. A thousand alarms went off in my head. I was torn between suffering the truth to myself and disclosing the truth for him to make or break my heart. Either way, I know I'd lose him. We would all soon leave school and move on to college so I thought, why not keep the awkwardness at bay? At least for the time being.

He left with a classmate of ours at the exact same time I was leaving. I was walking ahead of the tricycle they were riding when I heard someone yell out my name. "Shai!" I turned around and saw him with his head sticking out of the side of the tricycle. I yelled out, asking if I can hitch a ride until we get to the main street. The tricycle stopped and he stepped off. He meekly asked me to get inside and he'll be the one riding behind the driver. It made me smile. I reassured him it was okay for me ride at the back of the driver instead.

Yesterday we practiced at October's house. And I gave him a letter. Just a letter saying how much I appreciated his being around. He was lying on the floor next to a classmate of ours (who was sitting when he started to read the letter). I was sitting on the floor in front of the big electric fan, which was by his feet. I then did a stupid thing. I tried to steal a glance at him just to see if he was finished reading the letter already. But when I glanced at him, he was watching me. Our eyes met so I gave a quick smile and looked hurriedly (also pathetically guiltily) away. But not fast enough to not notice the smile on his face.

Today he sat in front of me, memorizing a friend's lines. He was in a state of complete panic. He was memorizing the lines because there was a possibility that our friend, who was intended to play the role of St. Peter, might not make it for today's performance. He kept asking me to help him and I couldn't do much except encourage him and assure that things will be all right. Thank God our classmate arrived at the last minutes.

After our performance, the best thing that could ever happen happened.

WE WON FIRST PLACE WITH AN AVERAGE OF 95%! So many weeks of rigorous rehearsal paid off. I love the class. :)

It was sheer joy at the victory we attained that made me start screaming. He was sitting in front of me with his back to me but when they said the name "Embryology", everyone in the class stood up in unison and started screaming! He turned around and we both just kept shrieking in each other's faces, holding each other at arm's length...when he pulled me in and hugged me.

I was stunned but I kept screaming and screaming out of joy and confusion and relief and pride. My mind went blank in the middle of it, though. Suddenly, I wasn't aware of anybody else around me. Just the fact that I've just embraced somebody I've fallen in love with...

1st Realization...

October 28, 2000 - Saturday

I'm human. Life has molded me into a poet. God has given me an unpredictable destiny. There are countless reasons why love can make a person transform. A total conversion. An odious reformation. Parting pushes apart. Loving pushes further apart. Or at least, loving the right person at the wrong time. Stubborn as any adult can be, I refuse to admit it. And yet the truth is like a burning reminder. The mark of agony is evident from my actions. I'm a blubbering fool. I refuse to love. It hurts a great deal. To give and give despite knowing the fact that it might not be the same way around. I'll walk again with a ready smile. Mummified. Bearing heartaches only the vessel of self can hear from the depths of a nightmare. Yet here I am again. Loving him with great fervor that scares me, that I fear before this charade ends, this feeling of madness will force me from my silence. Then I'd lose him...The sheer thought is unbearable...

October 30, 2000 - Monday

Isn't it amazing? How many divers go through many voyages under the sea for a precious pearl or a rare starfish? And when they find what they've been looking for...the many trials they undertook during the journey are forgotten by that single triumph. Life, I think, is like that. When you reach success, there's no point dwelling in the past heartaches. What really counts is the inspiration that helped you climb the top. The hardships serve only for our pruning. Sometimes when man reaches all his dreams, he forgets that everything happens in a cycle. He forgets that what comes up must go down. It's hard to keep life in a balance. But I think the best we can do is remember our place...remember always that there will be a chance for us to soar. And when we do...we should remember the wind that helped us fly.

I miss his company incredibly. I wish he wasn't too far. I wish there were enough reasons for me to see him right now. I wonder if he's still reading Harry Potter.

I am indulging in memories. Staying upon calm, soothing waters. A blue lagoon. A face is etched in my mind, illuminated by the gleam of the intermittent stars, marked eternal by the blue flame of the moon above.

Don't leave. At least not yet.

November 3, 2000 - Friday

I've just finished reading Crime and Punishment. The book was impressive. I felt as if I was Rodya in the story. The haze of having committed a murder. The hallucinations and persistent dreams. The challenging trial by Petrovitch. I think it had a suitable ending. Some books leave me dissatisfied, that I desire for the story to continue even though the author has put an end to the tale...

I was left pondering whether the story really captured the image of society.

I have 500 pesos in my pocket. The only remaining amount of money I have left in the whole world. If I hadn't saved it, I don't know how I would've made it to the hospital. I have recovered from the worst part of my illness. I was rushed to the hospital because I had a viral infection in my stomach from the beverage Zombie. Prior to that, my cousin and her friend took me to Texas Southmall and we ate in kind of a hurry because we needed to go to ATC afterwards since we didn't want to miss the Halloween party at one of the bars. I didn't know what to order so I asked them to order for me and they ordered Zombie, saying it was good. Unfortunately, when my stomach was acting up and I was asking them if we could go home, they thought it wasn't a serious request. When we got home, I threw up everything I ate. I thought they were going to stay until I get medical attention. But they left hurriedly in the morning, saying that they've got work. By the time they left, I was crying from the pain and Mom was crying because we didn't have money. Then I remembered I had saved 500 pesos and so I told her, asking her if it was enough. She looked instantly relieved, and so they rushed me immediately to the ER.

The vein in my left arm is still numb. Having nothing else to do, I've been watching it for hours and even counted the times it kept jerking. But I'm still weak...

Still here, trying to convalesce with thoughts of you...

November 6, 2000 - Monday

I was so exhausted yesterday that I wasn't able to write down the things that happened to me. I took the DLSU Entrance Exam yesterday. At last I saw him. During the break, I rummaged through my bag for food. When I was about to open a bag of chips, he suddenly grabbed it, opened it and started talking about how difficult the test was all the while eating eating my food and offering some to Adunaphel, who was sitting beside me (shaking my head in disbelief).

Today he and I went to the music room but when we got there, Sir Aldryn wasn't there yet so I sat down and started playing the piece "Fallin'" on the piano. He seemed distant at first but after a few minutes, he sat down beside me and started to sing the song.

Then Sir Aldryn arrived with Ms. DJ and they wanted to hear him sing one of the songs of Miss Saigon. He said he had colds but when he sang "Why God Why", it was still at performance level. After he sang, we talked about a musical and then all of a sudden fell silent. Then he asked me if I knew the song "You and I" by Petula Clark. I was surprised he asked because I did. It's one of Mom's favorite songs and she constantly requests it at every cousin's wedding. I hummed it for a bit while he continued to tell me he was going to sing it at a wedding. We were still chatting when suddenly, as if on cue, he glanced at his watch and exclaimed that it was already 5:15PM and that he needed to leave (I was, at this point, wondering if his watch was patterned after Cinderella's). I nodded, muttering, "Ok." He looked at me, bewildered, and asked, "Aren't you going home yet?" I shrugged and said, "Alright." So we walked out of campus together.

Whatever mischievous forces mocking me at my discomfort are succeeding in making my situation harder.

November 7, 2000 - Tuesday 

We had our graduation picture taken today. It was nice. We got to visit the AV Room that I've been missing so much. I was lying on the wooden floor (it was okay to lie down there, since there weren't any chairs except for the bleachers-like platform in front of the projector and a couple of throw pillows/cushions on either side of the room) when he walked in. He lied down too, our heads perpendicular, while we talked. I was ecstatic when he finally remembered to bring RENT.

RENT is fantastic! It really deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. I love the songs Seasons of Love, which he introduced to me, and I'll Cover You. I'm still trying to internalize the other songs.

My high for the day? He asked me to help him fix his hair, which stuck up no matter how much gel I put (...darn mystical forces). It was nerve-racking. I was facing him, trying to fix his hair, so naturally I was looking at it while he was watching me and what I was doing. It felt incredibly awkward. But as fate would have it, he was just acting normal. He was acting, just like a friend would.

November 9, 2000 - Tuesday

I had a great day at school! Papa Bear was really funny. Despite the fact that he has a habit of cutting people in mid-sentence by swearing, I find him adorable. Like a tough big brother.

I was mocking someone about his voice, because he croaked awhile ago, and he reddened. He reached for his notebook and hit me on the head with it. I only laughed. I love Choco's company, and Salsa Dancer's company. It feels like I can forget all my troubles when I'm with them.

November 10, 2000 - Friday

We were together during lunch and we sang lots of songs from RENT. Then during break, he was walking towards the blackboard, because his name was written there as one of the pep squad leaders of the seniors in the upcoming Cheering Competition and Intramurals, at the exact same time I was reading it. Suddenly, he turned around and caught me looking at him. He grinned and walked off, cheerfully. I just found myself shaking my head, feeling idiotically happy inside.

November 12, 2000 - Sunday

We took the UST Entrance Exam yesterday. I rode the LRT for the first time from Doroteo Jose. I had fun with the girls (Gorgeous, Chinky Eyes and Doe-Eyed). Afterwards I attended the practice for the cheering auditions at Badz' place. Porsche, Badz' and I did our best. It's now in God's hands. I don't even know if I have a chance in the auditions. I do hope so. I just want my senior year to be memorable and fun. But I can't seem to concentrate. I'm missing someone's smile.

November 13, 2000 - Monday

Today, the auditions for the cheer dancers/girls were held. But first I just want to share how I enjoyed the day with him. We were sitting beside each other during English. I helped him with some things. Then after that, we had lunch together. He asked me to accompany him because he was going to buy food from the Chinese lady. We were quiet at first. Then he suddenly asked me if I was a cheerleader last year. I felt awkward. It was a delicate subject. I muttered something about not being a favorite of the crowd back then. I was prepared to hear him agree, to say that I wasn't really a people person. But he frowned, saying that if matters were business-like in nature, people should be willing to put their differences aside.

My heart swelled in gratitude as I looked at him while he continued walking towards the stall. I've been trying to find a sanctuary for years, from the fact that I've become the most hated person in school. And no matter how hard I tried to show that I'm not as bad as people think I am, solitude transformed into the only comforting companion left. Hope in finding someone who would understand, eventually died in my heart. And I've been encased in a mask ever since. But his being able to see through my flaws, and to encourage my weary soul with such simple words...it's such a wonderful feeling to know that someone knows me better than the nasty rumors flying around...the rumors that have led everyone to believe that I'm nothing more than a piece of junk.

Everyone who auditioned was great! It's a miracle if I get in... *Sigh*

When I finished dancing, Anime (October's best friend and my good friend) who had watched the entire audition called me from the left side of the stage. During the audition, he was sitting beside her. I don't know whether his presence inspired me more or added to my anxiety. After I performed, she said she heard him exclaim that it was an incredible performance and that it was flawless.

After the audition, we were asked by our teacher to close the windows of the classroom. I stayed around to help him. After doing my part, I went outside the room and waited for him while watching out for my radio in case it gets stolen (my radio was the one we used for the audition). When he finally stepped out of the classroom, he said, "Let's go!"

Then he stopped right in front of me, looked at my radio (it was on the floor), carried it without being told, and scolded me saying, "You didn't have to bring this. There's a radio in the Seton Notes office."

As we walked outside, I suddenly remembered a friend had offered me a ride in his car. I, er, didn't feel too comfortable with the offer so I asked him to hide me in case the friend sees me walking by. And he did. He blocked me from sigh with his arm.

It had been a long and tiring night. But with a last thought about him, I think this was one of the best nights I've had in all my high school life.

November 15, 2000 - Wednesday

Choco, Poet and I had lunch together. Poet started a topic about how it would be frightening to see someone who's been used to crying all his life suddenly stop crying one day. I was so caught up in what he said that when "he" slipped into the seat beside me, I threw him a look that must've seemed haughty. Apparently he seemed to think that was what I really meant because he slapped my left lef and exclaimed with a grin that I was a snob.

There are so many things in my mind right now. Hope grows thin in the other parts of my life. But then, I remember that it's all in God's plans. I should hold on to the one thing that binds me with Him.

Faith.

Second Part of the Day

Amazing what the staved mind can produce. I'm writing in this blog at the same time preparing to launch the other one.

Now that I think about it, things have been in a cycle.
Always this time of year.
Always this many entries.
Always the misery and loneliness acting as a catalyst to the fuel behind the pen.
Always the series of rain, the restless dawns, the muted dusks.


Then this.


The pain unmasked reveals itself in words only the broken or those once broken can comprehend.


A friend said I always open up but reveal nothing. It's a very good observation. The same can be said for my poetry. At times, even my prose.

My own rhythm strikes the flow. I used to casually shrug the forms taught in school. When you're born with the passion to write, it stays volatile regardless of how many forms you've been introduced to. It can adapt for a while to survive the trend, but sooner or later, it will grow restless, eager to take its flight. Thinking it must fly away or die. Am I referring to my writing style or to myself? Both.


The fever coupled with these dark clouds make the weather even more ominous. The sound of my son's voice occasionally brings me back. After having read Brida, I sought to harness my thoughts, my focus, my reality. Sometimes, the Phoenix is too strong to train. It must be let free every now and then. Otherwise it would burn from inside out. That would be of no great importance if only it wasn't in me. I'm not ready to burn from within.


Blood, alive as red nail polish, pumped by a dying heart. A friend once said he was disappointed I was no longer "emo". What is emo, anyway? A passing fad? A kind of music? Atypical fashion for the youth?


The suffering passes by, evolves, returns but there are moments of happiness during the breaks. Simple things that are worth doing, great distances worth crossing. The cross I bear is mine alone. Pain strikes and it's not prevented, deflected, avoided. Welcome pain. Only right to pay up.

God is more forgiving with me than I am with myself.

Leaving now to prepare for Lola's 40 Days. I'll be back in the evening to rave some more.

......random thoughts inside the ravaged mind.

...i never thought i'd be able to put enough sense and guts together to write at least some of my thoughts. or emotions. or be coherent enough to string something together.

...people don't trust what they can't explain. - this is a line from a song. and don't lines speak the truth? i can't even write enough sense right now. mom is speaking with me as i type. i'm playing the role of writer and attentive daughter at the same time. the tumult of thoughts is unbearable. chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. was it back in fourth year college that a professor said it helped bring on good vibes? the way she explained it back then was less casual and more scientific, of course. right now, my brain is on overdrive of common things. common things? pablo neruda wrote a book, "ode to common things". i loved the book. a friend introduced it to me and i bought the book for him. gift-wrapped it nicely, too. not sure if he still remembers it, though. that friend has changed. or to be more precise, i have.

...starting with the word "everyone" seems unfair since i know 3 or 4 persons who transcend the commonness of the world. finally, mom's falling asleep and i can continue more accurately. most people i know cannot grasp what i'm going through. i'm not surprised. if they do, they probably have a big heart or are probably going through the same thing. the rest take one look at me and make generalizations only expected of them. mom's up again. i can't write.

...okay she's asleep again. as i was saying, i don't really know how to describe what i'm feeling. the tears come and go. the feeling of hopelessness wafts through my senses every evening like a mist spiked with poison. probably reminiscent of a familiar scene in a popular fictional trilogy. my friends called a certain poem i made, vampire poetry. and maybe rightfully so. blood is drawn figuratively and literally and the boundary between sense and sensibility is still static. i dare not confirm the tragedy of it all. my friends have been hilariously varied.

...there are some i have tried to be open with and some that i have been completely open with. the difference between the two is that with friends i have been completely open with, i had been extremely secretive. only they pursued the truth. the friends i have tried to be open with have been people who had a warped view on things. maybe that's unfair. or accurate. i don't care at this point. so many things that i don't care about at this point. there are really just people in the world whom you want to give a part of your broken soul to, try to open a conversation with "i think i have a problem with..." and they finish things off by saying, "we all have problems, i'm going through an even worse thing, you're better off than other people..."

...in lilet's class, she said it was absolutely lacking of manners and etiquette to respond with "i understand" or "i know" to a client's frustration. maybe the same thing goes for counseling. there is no way you can completely understand what the other person is going through. again, not unless you are going through the exact same thing. i hardly heard "i understand". it was always "i'm going through something a lot worse than what you're going through." and why bother sharing then. since that's the case, i find myself listening most of the time, holding back the dam of emotions that's threatening to burst out, offering empathy instead although every inch of me craves the same empathy being delivered.

...so many facades played. always mindful of the less able. i can never show weakness at home. my son and my mom need me as a pillar of strength. there are days though that even the ridiculously strong falter. when you know that you've been the strength of people who have been hanging on desperately to you to surrvive, it's only just to realize they can't be the same source of strength when you feel weak. when that happens, i travel. travel and travel and travel, the miles just go on and on, the clumps of trees zooming by, the mountains in the horizon looming like as if from a familiar dream and the rain sticking to the windows like sudden cuts on wrists. i'm a different person when i get to my destination. another world awaits. the loneliness ends impossibly. then the travel back home restarts. death seems like an avid fan whose kiss is always an inch away. the only person stopping it from touching my skin is my son.

...imagine if my son had not come to being. i would have not even made it to this age. twenty-seven years is a long time to be walking this earth. i had grown weary when i reached the age of twelve. felt absolutely restless and found nothing amusing by the age of seventeen. and finally, realized either i am the last of my kind or the only one in this world and became a wizened soul at twenty-three. he's my rabbit's foot. or pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. God's own gift to my involuntary call for help.

..."but i try to open up to what i don't know. because reason says i should've died three years ago..." - Rent, Jonathan Larson

...so many people passed away this year. even late last year. our misery is our own but the joy is entirely that of those who are now at peace with God.

...i long for peace as well. i don't want to keep taking things for granted. i want to embrace today before it becomes a memory. i want to show appreciation for everything and everyone that's helped me push forward, not minding that they're stumbling along with me. i want to be helped and be helpful in the long run. being stuck like this is not fun. everything from the past becomes clear. everything in the future gets hazy. my son keeps me breathing. when the numbness begins, absolutely imperative to be beside him, to have him in my line of sight, to hear his voice, see his smile. cannot afford being in a room without him. not unless the room is devoid of things that can impose harm then i feel more confident being in it for five minutes.

...and what of eating? or sleeping? the cycle goes on without even being thought up. the money is just as scarce only the source of love has multiplied. this is still a point of gratitude. to God. at least he's fighting my battle with me.

...i think i will rest now. i'd love to believe my child needs me. and i am determined to get better. lacking one parent with one impaired parent left, he certainly deserves more than this...