A Look Back: 2000 (Con't)

It's late afternoon, around 5PM. All the windows in the room are open and though the sun is slowly making its way to rest and prepare for a new day, I've never fully appreciated the beauty of life than when I am writing, unbound by tasks that need to be completed. Like freefalling. You don't think, you just jump. I don't process, I just write. And write more. With all the time in the world. The independence to look inwardly. To examine where I am and where I should be heading.

More from the past...

November 16, 2000 - Thursday

I had a great day today! We had an activity in Homeroom wherein we were supposed to write three things about ourselves and make other people guess who we were. When Ms. Lhou read my paper, I looked at my classmate, just to make others think I wasn't the one being described. "Unpredictable, Music Lover, Crazy". All of a sudden, he raised his hand and blurted out, "Si Shai daw po!". I felt my cheeks grow hot. At this point, I had already informed close friends regarding my feelings so the littlest association of my name with anything to do with him stirs them up. I was painfully aware of their knowing stares and suppressed giggles. Ms. Lhou looked at him and asked, "Daw?" referring to the uncertainty in his voice if he had guessed correctly. He said, "Ay hindi...Si Shai po! (with conviction)"

I passed the cheering auditions!!! Yes! I'm so happy :). Since the theme of our entry would be Greek Gods and Goddesses, I get to play as Hera.

Somebody up there loves me!

November 19, 2000 - Sunday

I'm basking in memories. My best friend used to be around all the time. We used to be together almost everyday. Just watching TV or pigging out or listening to music or watching movies. But now, being alone has done me more good. I've been given all the time I need to understand who I've become and how to improve myself. Thanks to RENT. It has been such an inspiration.

An excerpt. "I should tell you, I should tell you...I have always loved you. You can see it in my eyes."

November 20, 2000 - Monday 

I've just finished reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. It was awesome! I wish I could join the Triwizard Competition.

We had our first batch meeting today for the upcoming intramurals. Nanette reminded me of Dumbledore. She has his commanding presence.

I was impressed awhile ago. We, the choir, were practising in the auditorium earlier and we were supposed to write down our names on a piece of paper. I asked him to write my name since he grabbed my pen to write his name first. And he did. He wrote down my complete name, with the middle name. I'm amazed he remembered.

The audition for the Math Jingle was also held awhile ago. Salsa Dancer and I had agreed to be groupmates but since we didn't know who else to invite and a group with an incomplete number of members would be disaqualified, we grabbed a couple of people regardess whether they wanted to join us or not. We grabbed Mr. Guitarist (who created the concept but didn't know which group to join) and Chinky Eyes. We were still short of one member so we wrote down Buffy's name (since she was the only left available because she was absent). I provided the back-up vocals for the song. I was incredibly shy because the song's message was serious but the tune was light (we used Awitin Mo as the tune). Good thing Salsa Dancer performed as the comic relief.

November 22, 2000 - Wednesday

While waiting for cheering practice to start, I was staring at nothing in particular, singing Fallin' at the top of my lungs in the corridor. Suddenly, someone outside the classroom joined me in singing the song. I turned around to see who it was and I was stunned to see him grinning as he continued to sing the song. I took my eyes off of him and saw Beautiful Clouds grinning at me from inside the classroom.

Our group was chosen to represent the class in the Math Jingle Competition! We'll be competing with classes from different levels. I'm so excited!

November 23, 2000 - Thursday

It's Mama's birthday today. Sis greeted her through my cell phone. My high for the day?

WE WON 1ST PLACE IN THE MATH JINGLE! WHOO-HOO!!!

At least now I can say that I've contributed a little something to the Embryo Hall of Awards. We were really nervous since the Maria Matika group (the Juniors' representative) was really good. They were able to capture the audience (Well, majority of the audience was composed of their batchmates). There were no Seniors. We really expected Embryo to come watch and support us. Since there were high expectations every time a member of the class joins contests, we really needed our support group. But Seton Notes members were not in school at that  time, so the class was reduced to a few people. The few people who were left couldn't attend because they had class. I really felt like crying.

So we were sitting on the floor in front of the stage, nail-biting, nervously waiting for our turn...when somebody suddenly tapped me on the shoulder. It was him, and right behind him was Doe-Eyed. Salsa Dancer and I couldn't hide our grins. We stood up and saw that some of our friends had also arrived. While waiting for our turn, he kept asking me to help him with the adjectives he needed for his emcee stint. Finally, it was our turn to perform. My hands felt stiff and I made a couple of mistakes, nevertheless, we got through it. And when they announced that we won (we were all sitting on the floor and he was sitting in front of me), he turned around, threw his arms around me and we both started screaming excitedly. Seem familiar? *Grin* Yeah you go, Embryo!

Choco and I made plans to go to the mall later that night because she had to pick something up from a store. We were already in the FX when Enigma suddenly appeared and got in the FX with a friend. That's when I realized how much I missed her. She was the only person I showed my real self to and the only person who understood my imperfections. I wanted so much to befriend her when she was still in Seton but I didn't think I was worth her time. But there was one incident when we toured the school, just the two of us. It was a bit unnerving how she read me so easily. She noted that everytime I write a letter, I always start with apologies. She added that, there was something about me...about the way I write. That there's so much passion in the words, as probably the writer also has. I've put up defenses ever since I realized that pain was real. Then I learned to savor it ever since I realized it was inevitable. Only I never admitted...that it hurt. That I was too weak to be strong. That I was too much of a coward to make a difference and establish my own place in the world. But when we talked that day, she made me feel some form of belongingness. It made up for all the years I've been lonely. I owe her a lot. Thanks, Ms. ______.

November 27, 2000 - Monday

I saw how the pressure of handling our batch was affecting Nanette. I wish there was something I can do to help her.

November 29, 2000 - Wednesday

We were having our on-the-job-training during our THE class so we lingered outside the canteen. When the bell rang and it was time to get our bags upstairs. I lingered a bit with him and Buffy. They were chatting and I was absent-mindedly tying my hair up real high when he suddenly broke through my trance. "Alam mo, ang ganda mo ng ganyan. Dapat ganyan na lang ayos nyo sa cheering." :)

November 30, 2000 - Thursday

October and I bought a gift for Anime. Then we ate with her family afterwards at CPK. After that, we watched CATS at Choco's while preparing our entry for the Recycled Christmas-Tree Contest.

December 3, 2000 - Sunday 

We went to school riding in Batt. Com's pick-up. It was such a challenge holding on since it was raining hard and we had to prevent the Christmas tree we made out of recycled phone directories from getting drenched. Cursing Nurse broke down and cried...and I felt the same way. Only I was too exhausted to cry. I just wish we'd win this contest because God knows we worked hard for it. Now it just need a few finishing touches, and voila! I hope Cursing Nurse is feeling better now. Also, Poet has expressive hands. I noticed them when he was fixing the tree.

The rain makes me feel lonely.

December 6, 2000 - Wednesday

He was absent today. Something to do with an errand. Poet liked RENT. It's wonderful that he was able to connect with the story the same way I was. And we won 2nd place in the Recycled Christmas Tree-Making Contest! It's been a great year! Thanks to Cursing Nurse and the terrific class. :)

December 7, 2000 - Thursday

Poet and I had a chance to sit down and talk. We seemed to have this connection. A connection between two lonely people...lonely because we feel isolated from the rest of the world. Like nobody else understands us. There seems to be this kind of boundary that separates us from the rest of the world that even though we're within the crowd, our search for real companionship surfaces. He thought the rumors he heard about me were true. It hurt me so much to realize that those rumors spared no one. It reached and deceived him as well.

I've never shown my true self to anybody. What made me live this way was the fact that I realized the world didn't even have a small space for me. I'm not worth knowing. I am as boring and disinteresting as boring and disinteresting gets. Poet said something only one other person said...one who saw through my defenses and found me. "You have such passion in you. The way you sing, the way you talk, the way you write...it's even in your eyes." I've concealed myself for years, wearing a mask that fooled many. Only Enigma nad Poet saw through the mask. Saw the withered soul behind these eyes. Everything is still the same. But at least now, there's two of us, sharing the same soul.

December 10, 2000 - Sunday

I was too tired to write about my day out with the girls. We went to Festival Mall. It was loads of fun! We ate at Sbarro's and watched Charlie's Angels. Lawyer, Choco and Chinky Eyes are the best girl friends anyone can ever have. We even had our picture taken. It was only after we had our picture taken did we learn that we all had problems that day. So we ended up sharing our troubles, listening emphatically to one another and offering comfort as best we could.

I want to ask him if we could go to the Graduation Ball together. He had asked me first but I don't know if that was serious and I'm not sure how to bring the subject up. Wish me luck.

December 16, 2000 - Saturday

I love this day! We had our Christmas party at school. As I got to the classroom, the first one to greet me Happy Holidays was him. He stepped out of the room just when I was in a hurry because I was assigned to bring barbecue and I was running late. He beamed when he saw me, hugged me and kissed the air beside my cheek, cheerfullly saying, "Merry Christmas!" I smiled and choked back, "Merry Christmas..." When I got in, I almost placed the letters I made for everyone in the barbecue platter and almost started giving barbecue to everyone. *Disoriented*

The part wherein we were taking pictures was fun! Everyone was game whenever someone called out, "Picture!!!" Everyone made a mad dash to be in front of the camera in time. When Jester dashed for the boys' comfort room with the camera (he was supposed to take a picture with ALL of us in it), what the heck, the girls followed! Too bad Ms. Trigo wasn't around to catch us *Grin*.

Only one thing prevented me from enjoying the night from start to finish. He left early. So I called him up. I asked him why the curfew. He said it was because his sister went home early and he had to accompany her. He asked me what happened after he left so I told him people began dancing with one another, including Choco and Pokemon *Smiling from ear to ear*. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was fixing their Christmas lights. It was 10Pm and he was fixing Christmas lights? It struck me as funny so I laughed, and he laughed. I said, "Ok. Good night! Merry Christmas!" He said the same thing, only in a different order so I sort of responded according to that and he was doing the same thing. We kept saying, "Ok, good night, Merry Christmas!" for 20 seconds I think. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all. But I don't really know how long I can keep this up.

December 18, 2000 - Monday

Choco texted me something weird. She said there was a big possibility he feels the same way.

I think I need to lie down.

December 20, 2000 - Wednesday

We went to Taguig and we're here at my Uncle's flat. We're going to stay for the night. Anyway, we heard there were so many things going on between my Uncle's family and my Aunt's family. I'd rather not write about them. I don't want to remember them when I read this in the future.

December 26, 2000 - Tuesday

How do you paint life in the most concrete way possible? ...See it through my eyes. For the past few days, we've been running from one place to another, asking relatives to help us in our dire situation. We know where we're sincerely welcome, and where our presence is severely detested. Some people are happy to see our downfall. Those people, sadly, are of our own blood and kin. I'm going to work hard to achieve my goals. I want to go to Broadway. Maybe someday I'll be lucky... Maybe someday I'll be successful... Maybe, just maybe, our paths would cross again.

January 2, 2001 - Tuesday

Classes resume tomorrow. He sort of...well...I don't know what to make of it. I asked if we could go to the Graduation Ball together (been planning to tell him there) and he replied, "I don't know because I'm not sure yet..." Now I'm confused. Was that a "no"? Or a "wait"? I can't read between the lines. Help me out here. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe it's meant for me to tell him while there's still time. Anyway, I feel strangely excited about life. I don't know why. I just feel inspired this year...