When all else in the present fails, it's only right to time-travel in the past.
More...
October 23, 2000 - Monday
We're moving out of the house soon. But I wasn't about to leave my glow-in-the-dark stars behind. So I spent all afternoon plucking out the stars from the ceiling. I'm very tired. Come to think of it. It was a symbolic moment. Someday, when God finally gives me the right chance, I will reach my dreams. The same way I reached for the stars.
I'm missing someone. I don't even understand why I feel this way. It's scary to be this happy. There was a time when I believed that I could feel this happy with someone from the past. Instead I felt insecure. Maybe I was close to being happy. But things always got in the way. My jealousy. His pride. If we've remained friends, I honestly believe we would've been so much happier. But things changed. People replace the emptiness in our hearts.
I'm off to a new start. With the awareness that in the process of beginning, I am bringing myself to my own destruction. I'm not expecting the friendship right now to blossom. I just never want the happy moments to end.
October 25, 2000 - Wednesday
Today's the competition for the best presentation of Mother Seton's life and works. I was on my way to the rehearsal last Tuesday when Mr. Guitarist passed by the house. Since he was also on his way to the rehearsal, we went to our classmate's house together where the practices would be held.
As expected, he was there, conducting practice as usual. And he was his usual strict self. When I saw that he was taking a break, I took a chance and talked to him, advising him to control his temper. I told him he may not mean being so cross but some people might be sensitive and get hurt. There was a distant look in his eyes as he just muttered, "Yeah".
And I did a crazy thing. I almost told him how I felt.
I asked him if I could ask him something and he told me to just ask away. A thousand alarms went off in my head. I was torn between suffering the truth to myself and disclosing the truth for him to make or break my heart. Either way, I know I'd lose him. We would all soon leave school and move on to college so I thought, why not keep the awkwardness at bay? At least for the time being.
He left with a classmate of ours at the exact same time I was leaving. I was walking ahead of the tricycle they were riding when I heard someone yell out my name. "Shai!" I turned around and saw him with his head sticking out of the side of the tricycle. I yelled out, asking if I can hitch a ride until we get to the main street. The tricycle stopped and he stepped off. He meekly asked me to get inside and he'll be the one riding behind the driver. It made me smile. I reassured him it was okay for me ride at the back of the driver instead.
Yesterday we practiced at October's house. And I gave him a letter. Just a letter saying how much I appreciated his being around. He was lying on the floor next to a classmate of ours (who was sitting when he started to read the letter). I was sitting on the floor in front of the big electric fan, which was by his feet. I then did a stupid thing. I tried to steal a glance at him just to see if he was finished reading the letter already. But when I glanced at him, he was watching me. Our eyes met so I gave a quick smile and looked hurriedly (also pathetically guiltily) away. But not fast enough to not notice the smile on his face.
Today he sat in front of me, memorizing a friend's lines. He was in a state of complete panic. He was memorizing the lines because there was a possibility that our friend, who was intended to play the role of St. Peter, might not make it for today's performance. He kept asking me to help him and I couldn't do much except encourage him and assure that things will be all right. Thank God our classmate arrived at the last minutes.
After our performance, the best thing that could ever happen happened.
WE WON FIRST PLACE WITH AN AVERAGE OF 95%! So many weeks of rigorous rehearsal paid off. I love the class. :)
It was sheer joy at the victory we attained that made me start screaming. He was sitting in front of me with his back to me but when they said the name "Embryology", everyone in the class stood up in unison and started screaming! He turned around and we both just kept shrieking in each other's faces, holding each other at arm's length...when he pulled me in and hugged me.
I was stunned but I kept screaming and screaming out of joy and confusion and relief and pride. My mind went blank in the middle of it, though. Suddenly, I wasn't aware of anybody else around me. Just the fact that I've just embraced somebody I've fallen in love with...
1st Realization...
October 28, 2000 - Saturday
I'm human. Life has molded me into a poet. God has given me an unpredictable destiny. There are countless reasons why love can make a person transform. A total conversion. An odious reformation. Parting pushes apart. Loving pushes further apart. Or at least, loving the right person at the wrong time. Stubborn as any adult can be, I refuse to admit it. And yet the truth is like a burning reminder. The mark of agony is evident from my actions. I'm a blubbering fool. I refuse to love. It hurts a great deal. To give and give despite knowing the fact that it might not be the same way around. I'll walk again with a ready smile. Mummified. Bearing heartaches only the vessel of self can hear from the depths of a nightmare. Yet here I am again. Loving him with great fervor that scares me, that I fear before this charade ends, this feeling of madness will force me from my silence. Then I'd lose him...The sheer thought is unbearable...
October 30, 2000 - Monday
Isn't it amazing? How many divers go through many voyages under the sea for a precious pearl or a rare starfish? And when they find what they've been looking for...the many trials they undertook during the journey are forgotten by that single triumph. Life, I think, is like that. When you reach success, there's no point dwelling in the past heartaches. What really counts is the inspiration that helped you climb the top. The hardships serve only for our pruning. Sometimes when man reaches all his dreams, he forgets that everything happens in a cycle. He forgets that what comes up must go down. It's hard to keep life in a balance. But I think the best we can do is remember our place...remember always that there will be a chance for us to soar. And when we do...we should remember the wind that helped us fly.
I miss his company incredibly. I wish he wasn't too far. I wish there were enough reasons for me to see him right now. I wonder if he's still reading Harry Potter.
I am indulging in memories. Staying upon calm, soothing waters. A blue lagoon. A face is etched in my mind, illuminated by the gleam of the intermittent stars, marked eternal by the blue flame of the moon above.
Don't leave. At least not yet.
November 3, 2000 - Friday
I've just finished reading Crime and Punishment. The book was impressive. I felt as if I was Rodya in the story. The haze of having committed a murder. The hallucinations and persistent dreams. The challenging trial by Petrovitch. I think it had a suitable ending. Some books leave me dissatisfied, that I desire for the story to continue even though the author has put an end to the tale...
I was left pondering whether the story really captured the image of society.
I have 500 pesos in my pocket. The only remaining amount of money I have left in the whole world. If I hadn't saved it, I don't know how I would've made it to the hospital. I have recovered from the worst part of my illness. I was rushed to the hospital because I had a viral infection in my stomach from the beverage Zombie. Prior to that, my cousin and her friend took me to Texas Southmall and we ate in kind of a hurry because we needed to go to ATC afterwards since we didn't want to miss the Halloween party at one of the bars. I didn't know what to order so I asked them to order for me and they ordered Zombie, saying it was good. Unfortunately, when my stomach was acting up and I was asking them if we could go home, they thought it wasn't a serious request. When we got home, I threw up everything I ate. I thought they were going to stay until I get medical attention. But they left hurriedly in the morning, saying that they've got work. By the time they left, I was crying from the pain and Mom was crying because we didn't have money. Then I remembered I had saved 500 pesos and so I told her, asking her if it was enough. She looked instantly relieved, and so they rushed me immediately to the ER.
The vein in my left arm is still numb. Having nothing else to do, I've been watching it for hours and even counted the times it kept jerking. But I'm still weak...
Still here, trying to convalesce with thoughts of you...
November 6, 2000 - Monday
I was so exhausted yesterday that I wasn't able to write down the things that happened to me. I took the DLSU Entrance Exam yesterday. At last I saw him. During the break, I rummaged through my bag for food. When I was about to open a bag of chips, he suddenly grabbed it, opened it and started talking about how difficult the test was all the while eating eating my food and offering some to Adunaphel, who was sitting beside me (shaking my head in disbelief).
Today he and I went to the music room but when we got there, Sir Aldryn wasn't there yet so I sat down and started playing the piece "Fallin'" on the piano. He seemed distant at first but after a few minutes, he sat down beside me and started to sing the song.
Then Sir Aldryn arrived with Ms. DJ and they wanted to hear him sing one of the songs of Miss Saigon. He said he had colds but when he sang "Why God Why", it was still at performance level. After he sang, we talked about a musical and then all of a sudden fell silent. Then he asked me if I knew the song "You and I" by Petula Clark. I was surprised he asked because I did. It's one of Mom's favorite songs and she constantly requests it at every cousin's wedding. I hummed it for a bit while he continued to tell me he was going to sing it at a wedding. We were still chatting when suddenly, as if on cue, he glanced at his watch and exclaimed that it was already 5:15PM and that he needed to leave (I was, at this point, wondering if his watch was patterned after Cinderella's). I nodded, muttering, "Ok." He looked at me, bewildered, and asked, "Aren't you going home yet?" I shrugged and said, "Alright." So we walked out of campus together.
Whatever mischievous forces mocking me at my discomfort are succeeding in making my situation harder.
November 7, 2000 - Tuesday
We had our graduation picture taken today. It was nice. We got to visit the AV Room that I've been missing so much. I was lying on the wooden floor (it was okay to lie down there, since there weren't any chairs except for the bleachers-like platform in front of the projector and a couple of throw pillows/cushions on either side of the room) when he walked in. He lied down too, our heads perpendicular, while we talked. I was ecstatic when he finally remembered to bring RENT.
RENT is fantastic! It really deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. I love the songs Seasons of Love, which he introduced to me, and I'll Cover You. I'm still trying to internalize the other songs.
My high for the day? He asked me to help him fix his hair, which stuck up no matter how much gel I put (...darn mystical forces). It was nerve-racking. I was facing him, trying to fix his hair, so naturally I was looking at it while he was watching me and what I was doing. It felt incredibly awkward. But as fate would have it, he was just acting normal. He was acting, just like a friend would.
November 9, 2000 - Tuesday
I had a great day at school! Papa Bear was really funny. Despite the fact that he has a habit of cutting people in mid-sentence by swearing, I find him adorable. Like a tough big brother.
I was mocking someone about his voice, because he croaked awhile ago, and he reddened. He reached for his notebook and hit me on the head with it. I only laughed. I love Choco's company, and Salsa Dancer's company. It feels like I can forget all my troubles when I'm with them.
November 10, 2000 - Friday
We were together during lunch and we sang lots of songs from RENT. Then during break, he was walking towards the blackboard, because his name was written there as one of the pep squad leaders of the seniors in the upcoming Cheering Competition and Intramurals, at the exact same time I was reading it. Suddenly, he turned around and caught me looking at him. He grinned and walked off, cheerfully. I just found myself shaking my head, feeling idiotically happy inside.
November 12, 2000 - Sunday
We took the UST Entrance Exam yesterday. I rode the LRT for the first time from Doroteo Jose. I had fun with the girls (Gorgeous, Chinky Eyes and Doe-Eyed). Afterwards I attended the practice for the cheering auditions at Badz' place. Porsche, Badz' and I did our best. It's now in God's hands. I don't even know if I have a chance in the auditions. I do hope so. I just want my senior year to be memorable and fun. But I can't seem to concentrate. I'm missing someone's smile.
November 13, 2000 - Monday
Today, the auditions for the cheer dancers/girls were held. But first I just want to share how I enjoyed the day with him. We were sitting beside each other during English. I helped him with some things. Then after that, we had lunch together. He asked me to accompany him because he was going to buy food from the Chinese lady. We were quiet at first. Then he suddenly asked me if I was a cheerleader last year. I felt awkward. It was a delicate subject. I muttered something about not being a favorite of the crowd back then. I was prepared to hear him agree, to say that I wasn't really a people person. But he frowned, saying that if matters were business-like in nature, people should be willing to put their differences aside.
My heart swelled in gratitude as I looked at him while he continued walking towards the stall. I've been trying to find a sanctuary for years, from the fact that I've become the most hated person in school. And no matter how hard I tried to show that I'm not as bad as people think I am, solitude transformed into the only comforting companion left. Hope in finding someone who would understand, eventually died in my heart. And I've been encased in a mask ever since. But his being able to see through my flaws, and to encourage my weary soul with such simple words...it's such a wonderful feeling to know that someone knows me better than the nasty rumors flying around...the rumors that have led everyone to believe that I'm nothing more than a piece of junk.
Everyone who auditioned was great! It's a miracle if I get in... *Sigh*
When I finished dancing, Anime (October's best friend and my good friend) who had watched the entire audition called me from the left side of the stage. During the audition, he was sitting beside her. I don't know whether his presence inspired me more or added to my anxiety. After I performed, she said she heard him exclaim that it was an incredible performance and that it was flawless.
After the audition, we were asked by our teacher to close the windows of the classroom. I stayed around to help him. After doing my part, I went outside the room and waited for him while watching out for my radio in case it gets stolen (my radio was the one we used for the audition). When he finally stepped out of the classroom, he said, "Let's go!"
Then he stopped right in front of me, looked at my radio (it was on the floor), carried it without being told, and scolded me saying, "You didn't have to bring this. There's a radio in the Seton Notes office."
As we walked outside, I suddenly remembered a friend had offered me a ride in his car. I, er, didn't feel too comfortable with the offer so I asked him to hide me in case the friend sees me walking by. And he did. He blocked me from sigh with his arm.
It had been a long and tiring night. But with a last thought about him, I think this was one of the best nights I've had in all my high school life.
November 15, 2000 - Wednesday
Choco, Poet and I had lunch together. Poet started a topic about how it would be frightening to see someone who's been used to crying all his life suddenly stop crying one day. I was so caught up in what he said that when "he" slipped into the seat beside me, I threw him a look that must've seemed haughty. Apparently he seemed to think that was what I really meant because he slapped my left lef and exclaimed with a grin that I was a snob.
There are so many things in my mind right now. Hope grows thin in the other parts of my life. But then, I remember that it's all in God's plans. I should hold on to the one thing that binds me with Him.
Faith.
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