In the meantime, more from the past...
January 8, 2001 - Monday
Today we watched Disc 1 of Crime and Punishment. Today's also our deadline for submitting our computer project. We were given until 11AM. He was absent and loathe as I am to admit it, I was getting worried. Wanting to know if he would make it, I texted him good morning. And to my shock, he replied. He rarely replies to my text messages. When it was around 10AM, I could no longer help myself so I finally asked him how he intends to submit his project. His reply was, "Bigay ko nalang sa yo." I wonder what his plans were if I hadn't reminded him. Soon, the bell rang signaling lunch. Choco, Salsa Dancer and I went to the canteen. We were already in line, waiting for our turn to grab food when my phone suddenly rang (imagine the state of panic I was in realizing I forgot to switch it to silent mode and it was ringing in all its glory in the middle of a crowd in a school where beepers and cell phones were prohibited). It was him. Choco and Salsa Dancer started teasing me incessantly after learning who I was talking to.
"Asan ka na?" I asked, running to the corner to avoid being caught by teachers.
"Asa Casimiro na ko," he replied, urgency evident in his voice.
"Ok. Punta na ko sa guard," I said, knowing we were only minutes away from the deadline.
Ignoring my grumbling stomach, I dashed to the entrance of the school. When I got there, I saw him running towards the gate, placing a plastic bag on the table and giving instructions to the guard. Probably telling him someone would be picking up the plastic bag. My heart kind of skipped a beat when I saw he had written my name on the plastic. I called out to him and when he saw me, he seemed surprised to see me there. He smiled, exclaiming "O!" That was the only word I understood because after that he tried to talk but was getting tongue-tied. In a flurry of arms and plastic bag, I threw him a quick grin and said, "Sige na." I knew he was in a hurry so I waved goodbye, turned around and was getting ready to run to the faculty office when he shouted.
"Thank you! Tawagan nalang kita mamaya!"
And he did. He called. I was in the middle of studying my notes when my phone rang. Skipped another beat when I heard his voice say, "Hello." He asked about things he missed, homework and stuff like that. But what made both of us laugh was the fact that he kept getting tongue-tied. Wonder what's up.
January 25, 2001 - Thursday
6:55PM - 7:00PM
It's a late night practice of INFERNO. Our play after the successful Blessed. We weren't supposed to stay in the campus that late but for the sake of practice... :) We were rehearsing (we would be playing as demons) the dance but it was becoming extremely difficult because we couldn't do the dances effectively and we were having problems with the choreography. While the other dancers brainstormed and planned out a couple of more dance steps, I decided to take a break. I sat on the stage with my legs dangling by the shrubs. I was too busy gazing at the stars that I didn't notice he was sitting just a few feet away. We caught each other's eye and it felt awkward to be sitting far from each other so I moved closer and asked him what's up. We just gazed at the stars and I pointed at various stars I remember, showing him the constellations I knew and telling him which star was hot or cold. I was teaching him how to find the North Pole by finding the Pole Star/Polaris when suddenly a shooting star appeared and vanished as quickly. I couldn't help grinning because we were both looking at the sky at that moment, I was sure he didn't miss it. I asked him if he saw it. He seemed confused at first, "Alin?" Then he said, "Ah yun? Oo..."
Then it hit him.
"Teka...shooting star yun diba?" then he grew incredibly excited, "Uy!!! Sa wakas nakakita na ko ng shooting star!" He looked at me and flashed an open smile. He continued to make a fuss about it, even clapping his hands a couple of times like a kid, as he resume watching the stars...while I smiled, gazing, no longer at the sky.
It sounds mushy but for me, it's only poignant. The moment was poignant. Because I know there are two things I can't keep from happening and they're bound to happen sooner. First, I'll find myself telling him how I feel. And second, we'll be saying goodbye soon.
January 31, 2001 - Wednesday
INTRAMS...
February 2, 2001 - Friday
SENIORS WON OVERALL!!! GRAND CHAMPS of the Intrams AND the CHEERING COMPETITION!!! Man, I'm so happy I'm going to explode in mirth.
I participated in the Kuliot competition (tug-of-war) and I wrote his initials on the sleeves of my Intrams shirt. We won the game. :) Tropang Bochog is awesome.
Our batch was getting ready for our turn in the Cheering Competition, walking towards designated positions in the quadrangle and I was walking among them when I noticed him, already standing in the middle of the quadrangle (being one of the pep squad leaders). I started walking towards him because I wanted to wish him good luck when he saw me and started to walk in my direction. When we were close enough, we did a half-hug and wished the best for our batch. :) Not sure how much luck that contributed but God was definitely smiling down on us. I put my heart out in our performance as everybody else did, and the commanding presence of the assembled Greek Gods and Goddesses was unmistakable. We walked with power and grace, proud of our stature, every inch of our skin no longer the mortal 4th year high school student. Rather we emanated immortality, our eyes flashing anger at these lowly human beings who dared to brace us. I looked at my friends, fellow Gods and Goddesses and saw we had one thing in common. The determination to win.
I was no longer Shai. I was Hera, from head to foot, cunning, jealous queen of Zeus, holding the peacock feathers in my arms as I would a trophy. The drumbeat started slow and as we made our entrance in the middle of the batch, with the rest of the batch crouched on the ground bowing to us, all the more our competitors gazed at us in awe. The sequnce was executed flawlessly. And as we made our exit with the rest of the batch back in their original crouching position, we knew we had made our statement. We didn't come to compete. We came to conquer.
When they announced that we had won, we were ecstatic! It was one of the best feelings in the world, to know that everyone's efforts paid off. I will never forget it, and I'll still remember it for years to come.
February 6, 2001 - Tuesday
A sad day. Disclosure.
I finally told him the truth. Since I couldn't say it to his face, I gave him a copy of my journal. Yes, the journal where I recorded every smile, every song, everything that made my heart flutter and double in pain. Actually, I asked Beautiful Clouds to hand him the journal. I omitted the stuff he didn't need to read (what I was doing that day, books I was reading, etc) and retained only the most important things I wrote about him.
Embryo and Physio were in the auditorium at that time because we were taking an experimental test. During a break, I asked Beautiful Clouds to hand it to him. She has been so kind to me. If it weren’t for her, I think I would’ve gone crazy. She’s such a good friend and has always been supportive of me that I know I have a priceless treasure in my life.
The following event is the aftermath of the disclosure.
We were sitting beside each other during THE and only a couple of minutes remained before lunch break ends and the class resumes. The class is always divided into 6 groups every THE period and each group has its own table. At this point, EVERYONE in the class already knows how I feel about him.
He was the last to know.
I couldn’t bear sitting beside him in silence so I dared to talk to him. I asked if he wanted to talk.
He smiled. I’ve seen his smile numerous times before and it hurt me when I saw this one. It was clear he smiled because he felt uneasy. He politely said, “I’m not sure.” Then he looked away.
This time I couldn’t bring myself to speak with him so I scribbled, Are you okay? I slipped the piece of paper under his arm which was resting on the table. He turned his head towards me but keeping his eyes downcast, he nodded and hurriedly looked away. Then I wrote, Are you mad? He looked at it with a fixed smile. With the same downcast eyes, he slowly shook his head, muttering, “No.” In a last desperate effort to find out what he was feeling, I scribbled again on the paper, this time writing, Just terribly awkward?
To my heart’s ruin, he finally looked at me with a sad smile and murmured, “…Medyo.”
The world seemed to crash at that moment. I was prepared for it. I had expected his reaction. Still, it really is different when you’re in the actual moment. Suddenly, all the control I thought I’ve mastered disappeared. With tears blurring in my eyes, the thought of the next few days being empty flashed in my mind. I thought about his smile…laughter…the songs…our friendship…everything will change…all because I couldn’t keep a single truth to myself.
Finally, after the long struggle of concealing my feelings, I broke down and cried quietly. Leaning my head on the table and trying in vain to hide myself with my arms. Poet was sitting at my right and I looked into his eyes, despair weighing me down heavier every minute. He could see me crying while I did my best to hide it from him, who was sitting at my left. Poet, with a sad smile on his face, squeezed my shoulder and whispered, “…Don’t do this.”
The more inconsolable I became. There was no way I could easily recover from the pain and shame I was feeling inside. Too weak, numb and stupid to move of my own will, Poet steadily guided me out of the room even though our teacher was present, preoccupied with a bunch of papers and waiting for the bell to signal that lunch was over. The rest of our classmates who were in the room were too preoccupied as well, chatting with one another, laughing, singing, living life normally…completely opposite to what was happening to me.
As soon as we were outside, I leaned on the wall while Poet began to scold me gently. “Why are you doing this? Why are you letting him see you cry?” I couldn’t even speak to answer that it didn’t matter. I was ashamed, everything had turned grotesque. I was a pathetic school girl who had been trying to put depth in the smiles and laughter I enjoyed with him. In reality, it had just been a lot of gushing of stupid, mushy stuff that I’ve always felt I was incapable of. I’m more logical than that. Surely I have the capacity to face this world and “act like a man”. What happened to my armor, the one I delicately have been building up to become stronger and impenetrable since I was 12 years old? I was an idiot. And to make matters worse, I was a blubbering idiot at that.
I continued to sob in my hands while Poet continued asking me to stop crying. He said the veins in my forehead were beginning to show, and I felt him tracing one with his hand. Our classmates started to flock around us since lunch break still wasn’t over. It was the first time lunch felt like an eternity. I heard Papa Bear exclaim, “Sino pare?” and the unmistakable sound of a fist hitting a palm.
I wanted to pause at that moment and just rest. This had been my escape from reality, reality being that things were a lot worse at home, we were losing money fast and the possibility of eviction was near. Now, I can’t escape. Both my reality and my other world has transformed into places of pain. I needed to go home, and for one day, just stop hurting. The more they stopped me from leaving, the more I felt suffocated that when I finally was on my way, I was staggering, my hands were numb, it was hard to breathe and I couldn’t see clearly ahead of me.
I was already outside the building when I knew someone was behind me. I also knew who it was.
“I’ll be fine,” this time finally able to regain a little of my dignity as I wiped the tears in my eyes with hatred at them for showing. “Come on, let’s get back to class,” he encouraged. I didn’t know if I could. I asked him to go back and politely told him this was something I needed to handle by myself, that I appreciated his concern but I needed some time alone to think. He nodded, understanding and respecting the request. Such a good friend.
When I got back to our real classroom (we transfer to another classroom during THE and leave our bags in our original classroom), I heard hurried footsteps behind me. Beautiful Clouds and Hermione came running after me. When they finally caught up with me, they told me the least thing I was prepared for.
He was crying.
They said he went out of the room, asking our classmates about the commotion and my whereabouts. When they told him I was crying and that I had left, he sat on the bench. Sunrise sat beside him and gently patting his shoulder, asked, “What happened ba?” That’s when they said he broke down.
I was really confused now. Maybe he felt guilty, thinking it was because of him that I left abruptly, hence the tears. Nonetheless, I didn’t want him to cry. I was worried. I went back with them to class but then the class was over and someone approached me and told me that Angelic Voice had asked him if he felt something for me. They said, his reply was “…Hindi ko alam…”
We got the chance to talk after the class. The only people left in the classroom, I explained that I just wanted to be honest, because I realized I needed to tell him myself before other people beat me to it. He thought about it for a while and said he appreciated my good intentions. I told him…that almost everyone knew. And that Nanette also knew. He was surprised and asked what they said and how they reacted. I told him they were also surprised. There was an awkward silence after that.
Then I said, “I’m sorry…” and explained that I didn’t know what to do so I asked them for advice. He said it was okay.
“So what should I do?” I then asked him.
He smiled uneasily and answered, “Basta, move on na…”
I fell quiet for a while, pondering. Then I asked, “Does that mean I should forget you?”
“No, it doesn’t mean that…” came his quick reply.
“Does that mean I should forget how I feel about you…?”
“No, it doesn’t mean…” then horror struck him. “I mean, ikaw! Bahala ka, kung anong mas makakabuti sayo…” he replied with an awkward smile. He said he then needed to go home so we said our goodbyes. I was still sitting on top of the table in the empty Embryology classroom, my head bowed, lost in thoughts…when I heard footsteps by the door.
He came back.
“Um…Shai?”
I looked up.
“Thank you nga pala sa notebook…” he said, this time finally smiling the familiar smile I’ve seen many times before. Tears sprung in my eyes. “You’re welcome,” I choked, forcing a smile as cheerful as his. With a last flash of his grin, he turned and left.
2nd Realization.
February 7, 2001 – Wednesday
We practiced for INFERNO today. But most importantly, I spoke with Nanette.
6:30PM – 8:30PM. She said I should pursue my feelings because one of us needs to carry the other. One of us needs to be strong for the other. I need to think about that.
Afterwards, we stayed at the basketball court. I was with Choco, Poet, Usher, Papa Bear, Swimming Varsity and Jester. We were chatting by pairs when Poet suddenly blurted out. “Ambigat ni Shai magsulat.”
To my surprise, Usher and Choco agreed.
I was overwhelmed. Then they asked me how I’ve been.
I decided to answer comically, so I said, grinning “There’s still my ex…”
It was only after that I made the remark when I realized I had made a bad joke because of their reaction. They fell silent. Choco looked at me uneasily, and said, “Haven’t you heard?” I asked, “Heard what?” Usher followed. He said my ex and Rose were already dating. They were actually more than dating. They were officially together. Then they all looked at me, anticipating my reaction. I wasn’t surprised.
I’ve been sure all along that I knew him better than he knew himself. And their being together finally has proven it. I’ve been vindicated. All those months of fighting and jealous tears, of suspicious busy dial tones and of hearing about him being spotted somewhere with someone, the cold treatment both groups gave me, the feeling of losing something I wasn’t sure I was losing because he kept denying it, the moment I remember vividly up to this day when I was in the PE room on the fourth floor looking out the window and seeing them suddenly in the hallway on the third floor in the building across, him stooping on the ground to tie her shoelaces. Vindication. I did know him well after all. I remember how we broke up, vividly, even way before Embryo became tight. I was sitting on the table right outside the canteen and had asked him earlier to meet there. He answered in such bad temper that he had a lot of things to do. But I had asked him again, this time, with restrained pain in my voice. He must’ve noticed because he took a second look at me and agreed. When he arrived, he sat on the table across me. I expressed my gratitude to him for the 3 years we were together, and for the years longer than that that we were friends. And then I told him I knew I was no longer making him happy. So to save him from the burden of thinking of enough reason to break up with me, I’ll do him a favor and set him free. To be with her. I smiled again, in tears, and told him to take care. He was in tears, looking down at me from the table he was sitting on, agony and relief on his face and before he could say something, I walked away.
A few days after that, people told me things I didn’t even want to know about. There were long hours of conversation that lasted until morning. They were now frequently seen in campus, having lunch together, being together all the time. Until, in the present, with my friends sitting in the basketball court, they finally confirmed what I’ve known ahead of everyone else. The parting did him well. He’s happy now. As for me, I’m hopeful time will come the pain of having lost someone before anything beautiful even began would end and things would become bearable again in this world.
"Asan ka na?" I asked, running to the corner to avoid being caught by teachers.
"Asa Casimiro na ko," he replied, urgency evident in his voice.
"Ok. Punta na ko sa guard," I said, knowing we were only minutes away from the deadline.
Ignoring my grumbling stomach, I dashed to the entrance of the school. When I got there, I saw him running towards the gate, placing a plastic bag on the table and giving instructions to the guard. Probably telling him someone would be picking up the plastic bag. My heart kind of skipped a beat when I saw he had written my name on the plastic. I called out to him and when he saw me, he seemed surprised to see me there. He smiled, exclaiming "O!" That was the only word I understood because after that he tried to talk but was getting tongue-tied. In a flurry of arms and plastic bag, I threw him a quick grin and said, "Sige na." I knew he was in a hurry so I waved goodbye, turned around and was getting ready to run to the faculty office when he shouted.
"Thank you! Tawagan nalang kita mamaya!"
And he did. He called. I was in the middle of studying my notes when my phone rang. Skipped another beat when I heard his voice say, "Hello." He asked about things he missed, homework and stuff like that. But what made both of us laugh was the fact that he kept getting tongue-tied. Wonder what's up.
January 25, 2001 - Thursday
6:55PM - 7:00PM
It's a late night practice of INFERNO. Our play after the successful Blessed. We weren't supposed to stay in the campus that late but for the sake of practice... :) We were rehearsing (we would be playing as demons) the dance but it was becoming extremely difficult because we couldn't do the dances effectively and we were having problems with the choreography. While the other dancers brainstormed and planned out a couple of more dance steps, I decided to take a break. I sat on the stage with my legs dangling by the shrubs. I was too busy gazing at the stars that I didn't notice he was sitting just a few feet away. We caught each other's eye and it felt awkward to be sitting far from each other so I moved closer and asked him what's up. We just gazed at the stars and I pointed at various stars I remember, showing him the constellations I knew and telling him which star was hot or cold. I was teaching him how to find the North Pole by finding the Pole Star/Polaris when suddenly a shooting star appeared and vanished as quickly. I couldn't help grinning because we were both looking at the sky at that moment, I was sure he didn't miss it. I asked him if he saw it. He seemed confused at first, "Alin?" Then he said, "Ah yun? Oo..."
Then it hit him.
"Teka...shooting star yun diba?" then he grew incredibly excited, "Uy!!! Sa wakas nakakita na ko ng shooting star!" He looked at me and flashed an open smile. He continued to make a fuss about it, even clapping his hands a couple of times like a kid, as he resume watching the stars...while I smiled, gazing, no longer at the sky.
It sounds mushy but for me, it's only poignant. The moment was poignant. Because I know there are two things I can't keep from happening and they're bound to happen sooner. First, I'll find myself telling him how I feel. And second, we'll be saying goodbye soon.
January 31, 2001 - Wednesday
INTRAMS...
February 2, 2001 - Friday
SENIORS WON OVERALL!!! GRAND CHAMPS of the Intrams AND the CHEERING COMPETITION!!! Man, I'm so happy I'm going to explode in mirth.
I participated in the Kuliot competition (tug-of-war) and I wrote his initials on the sleeves of my Intrams shirt. We won the game. :) Tropang Bochog is awesome.
Our batch was getting ready for our turn in the Cheering Competition, walking towards designated positions in the quadrangle and I was walking among them when I noticed him, already standing in the middle of the quadrangle (being one of the pep squad leaders). I started walking towards him because I wanted to wish him good luck when he saw me and started to walk in my direction. When we were close enough, we did a half-hug and wished the best for our batch. :) Not sure how much luck that contributed but God was definitely smiling down on us. I put my heart out in our performance as everybody else did, and the commanding presence of the assembled Greek Gods and Goddesses was unmistakable. We walked with power and grace, proud of our stature, every inch of our skin no longer the mortal 4th year high school student. Rather we emanated immortality, our eyes flashing anger at these lowly human beings who dared to brace us. I looked at my friends, fellow Gods and Goddesses and saw we had one thing in common. The determination to win.
I was no longer Shai. I was Hera, from head to foot, cunning, jealous queen of Zeus, holding the peacock feathers in my arms as I would a trophy. The drumbeat started slow and as we made our entrance in the middle of the batch, with the rest of the batch crouched on the ground bowing to us, all the more our competitors gazed at us in awe. The sequnce was executed flawlessly. And as we made our exit with the rest of the batch back in their original crouching position, we knew we had made our statement. We didn't come to compete. We came to conquer.
When they announced that we had won, we were ecstatic! It was one of the best feelings in the world, to know that everyone's efforts paid off. I will never forget it, and I'll still remember it for years to come.
February 6, 2001 - Tuesday
A sad day. Disclosure.
I finally told him the truth. Since I couldn't say it to his face, I gave him a copy of my journal. Yes, the journal where I recorded every smile, every song, everything that made my heart flutter and double in pain. Actually, I asked Beautiful Clouds to hand him the journal. I omitted the stuff he didn't need to read (what I was doing that day, books I was reading, etc) and retained only the most important things I wrote about him.
Embryo and Physio were in the auditorium at that time because we were taking an experimental test. During a break, I asked Beautiful Clouds to hand it to him. She has been so kind to me. If it weren’t for her, I think I would’ve gone crazy. She’s such a good friend and has always been supportive of me that I know I have a priceless treasure in my life.
The following event is the aftermath of the disclosure.
We were sitting beside each other during THE and only a couple of minutes remained before lunch break ends and the class resumes. The class is always divided into 6 groups every THE period and each group has its own table. At this point, EVERYONE in the class already knows how I feel about him.
He was the last to know.
I couldn’t bear sitting beside him in silence so I dared to talk to him. I asked if he wanted to talk.
He smiled. I’ve seen his smile numerous times before and it hurt me when I saw this one. It was clear he smiled because he felt uneasy. He politely said, “I’m not sure.” Then he looked away.
This time I couldn’t bring myself to speak with him so I scribbled, Are you okay? I slipped the piece of paper under his arm which was resting on the table. He turned his head towards me but keeping his eyes downcast, he nodded and hurriedly looked away. Then I wrote, Are you mad? He looked at it with a fixed smile. With the same downcast eyes, he slowly shook his head, muttering, “No.” In a last desperate effort to find out what he was feeling, I scribbled again on the paper, this time writing, Just terribly awkward?
To my heart’s ruin, he finally looked at me with a sad smile and murmured, “…Medyo.”
The world seemed to crash at that moment. I was prepared for it. I had expected his reaction. Still, it really is different when you’re in the actual moment. Suddenly, all the control I thought I’ve mastered disappeared. With tears blurring in my eyes, the thought of the next few days being empty flashed in my mind. I thought about his smile…laughter…the songs…our friendship…everything will change…all because I couldn’t keep a single truth to myself.
Finally, after the long struggle of concealing my feelings, I broke down and cried quietly. Leaning my head on the table and trying in vain to hide myself with my arms. Poet was sitting at my right and I looked into his eyes, despair weighing me down heavier every minute. He could see me crying while I did my best to hide it from him, who was sitting at my left. Poet, with a sad smile on his face, squeezed my shoulder and whispered, “…Don’t do this.”
The more inconsolable I became. There was no way I could easily recover from the pain and shame I was feeling inside. Too weak, numb and stupid to move of my own will, Poet steadily guided me out of the room even though our teacher was present, preoccupied with a bunch of papers and waiting for the bell to signal that lunch was over. The rest of our classmates who were in the room were too preoccupied as well, chatting with one another, laughing, singing, living life normally…completely opposite to what was happening to me.
As soon as we were outside, I leaned on the wall while Poet began to scold me gently. “Why are you doing this? Why are you letting him see you cry?” I couldn’t even speak to answer that it didn’t matter. I was ashamed, everything had turned grotesque. I was a pathetic school girl who had been trying to put depth in the smiles and laughter I enjoyed with him. In reality, it had just been a lot of gushing of stupid, mushy stuff that I’ve always felt I was incapable of. I’m more logical than that. Surely I have the capacity to face this world and “act like a man”. What happened to my armor, the one I delicately have been building up to become stronger and impenetrable since I was 12 years old? I was an idiot. And to make matters worse, I was a blubbering idiot at that.
I continued to sob in my hands while Poet continued asking me to stop crying. He said the veins in my forehead were beginning to show, and I felt him tracing one with his hand. Our classmates started to flock around us since lunch break still wasn’t over. It was the first time lunch felt like an eternity. I heard Papa Bear exclaim, “Sino pare?” and the unmistakable sound of a fist hitting a palm.
I wanted to pause at that moment and just rest. This had been my escape from reality, reality being that things were a lot worse at home, we were losing money fast and the possibility of eviction was near. Now, I can’t escape. Both my reality and my other world has transformed into places of pain. I needed to go home, and for one day, just stop hurting. The more they stopped me from leaving, the more I felt suffocated that when I finally was on my way, I was staggering, my hands were numb, it was hard to breathe and I couldn’t see clearly ahead of me.
I was already outside the building when I knew someone was behind me. I also knew who it was.
“I’ll be fine,” this time finally able to regain a little of my dignity as I wiped the tears in my eyes with hatred at them for showing. “Come on, let’s get back to class,” he encouraged. I didn’t know if I could. I asked him to go back and politely told him this was something I needed to handle by myself, that I appreciated his concern but I needed some time alone to think. He nodded, understanding and respecting the request. Such a good friend.
When I got back to our real classroom (we transfer to another classroom during THE and leave our bags in our original classroom), I heard hurried footsteps behind me. Beautiful Clouds and Hermione came running after me. When they finally caught up with me, they told me the least thing I was prepared for.
He was crying.
They said he went out of the room, asking our classmates about the commotion and my whereabouts. When they told him I was crying and that I had left, he sat on the bench. Sunrise sat beside him and gently patting his shoulder, asked, “What happened ba?” That’s when they said he broke down.
I was really confused now. Maybe he felt guilty, thinking it was because of him that I left abruptly, hence the tears. Nonetheless, I didn’t want him to cry. I was worried. I went back with them to class but then the class was over and someone approached me and told me that Angelic Voice had asked him if he felt something for me. They said, his reply was “…Hindi ko alam…”
We got the chance to talk after the class. The only people left in the classroom, I explained that I just wanted to be honest, because I realized I needed to tell him myself before other people beat me to it. He thought about it for a while and said he appreciated my good intentions. I told him…that almost everyone knew. And that Nanette also knew. He was surprised and asked what they said and how they reacted. I told him they were also surprised. There was an awkward silence after that.
Then I said, “I’m sorry…” and explained that I didn’t know what to do so I asked them for advice. He said it was okay.
“So what should I do?” I then asked him.
He smiled uneasily and answered, “Basta, move on na…”
I fell quiet for a while, pondering. Then I asked, “Does that mean I should forget you?”
“No, it doesn’t mean that…” came his quick reply.
“Does that mean I should forget how I feel about you…?”
“No, it doesn’t mean…” then horror struck him. “I mean, ikaw! Bahala ka, kung anong mas makakabuti sayo…” he replied with an awkward smile. He said he then needed to go home so we said our goodbyes. I was still sitting on top of the table in the empty Embryology classroom, my head bowed, lost in thoughts…when I heard footsteps by the door.
He came back.
“Um…Shai?”
I looked up.
“Thank you nga pala sa notebook…” he said, this time finally smiling the familiar smile I’ve seen many times before. Tears sprung in my eyes. “You’re welcome,” I choked, forcing a smile as cheerful as his. With a last flash of his grin, he turned and left.
2nd Realization.
February 7, 2001 – Wednesday
We practiced for INFERNO today. But most importantly, I spoke with Nanette.
6:30PM – 8:30PM. She said I should pursue my feelings because one of us needs to carry the other. One of us needs to be strong for the other. I need to think about that.
Afterwards, we stayed at the basketball court. I was with Choco, Poet, Usher, Papa Bear, Swimming Varsity and Jester. We were chatting by pairs when Poet suddenly blurted out. “Ambigat ni Shai magsulat.”
To my surprise, Usher and Choco agreed.
I was overwhelmed. Then they asked me how I’ve been.
I decided to answer comically, so I said, grinning “There’s still my ex…”
It was only after that I made the remark when I realized I had made a bad joke because of their reaction. They fell silent. Choco looked at me uneasily, and said, “Haven’t you heard?” I asked, “Heard what?” Usher followed. He said my ex and Rose were already dating. They were actually more than dating. They were officially together. Then they all looked at me, anticipating my reaction. I wasn’t surprised.
I’ve been sure all along that I knew him better than he knew himself. And their being together finally has proven it. I’ve been vindicated. All those months of fighting and jealous tears, of suspicious busy dial tones and of hearing about him being spotted somewhere with someone, the cold treatment both groups gave me, the feeling of losing something I wasn’t sure I was losing because he kept denying it, the moment I remember vividly up to this day when I was in the PE room on the fourth floor looking out the window and seeing them suddenly in the hallway on the third floor in the building across, him stooping on the ground to tie her shoelaces. Vindication. I did know him well after all. I remember how we broke up, vividly, even way before Embryo became tight. I was sitting on the table right outside the canteen and had asked him earlier to meet there. He answered in such bad temper that he had a lot of things to do. But I had asked him again, this time, with restrained pain in my voice. He must’ve noticed because he took a second look at me and agreed. When he arrived, he sat on the table across me. I expressed my gratitude to him for the 3 years we were together, and for the years longer than that that we were friends. And then I told him I knew I was no longer making him happy. So to save him from the burden of thinking of enough reason to break up with me, I’ll do him a favor and set him free. To be with her. I smiled again, in tears, and told him to take care. He was in tears, looking down at me from the table he was sitting on, agony and relief on his face and before he could say something, I walked away.
A few days after that, people told me things I didn’t even want to know about. There were long hours of conversation that lasted until morning. They were now frequently seen in campus, having lunch together, being together all the time. Until, in the present, with my friends sitting in the basketball court, they finally confirmed what I’ve known ahead of everyone else. The parting did him well. He’s happy now. As for me, I’m hopeful time will come the pain of having lost someone before anything beautiful even began would end and things would become bearable again in this world.
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